Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Today is CD1 and I realized this will be my last drug free cycle. Next cycle I will start bcp to prep for IVF. I am ready to get the hormone party started.
I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas!
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
I am also happy to report I am finally 100% in the holiday spirit! We have a little family in our ward that could really use some gifts this Christmas, so we are going to play Secret Santa. They have 4 children, 2 girls and 2 boys. They range in age from 8 to 2. Each will get a new coat and a toy. Christmas is all about giving and I couldn't think of a better thing to give. DH and I don't need gifts. We are so blessed.
What have you done to get in the Christmas spirit?
Monday, December 7, 2009
Friday, December 4, 2009
Sweet Elle at Hope and Envy gave me the Kreativ Blog Award! Thank you Elle!!
· Share 7 things that you don't already know about me.
· Name 7 other blogs to receive this award.
· Leave a comment on each of the blogs I nominated.
· Thank the person who gave you the award.
Ok so, 7 things you didn't know about me...
1. If I could have any profession I would be a baker. I would love to open my own bakery one day.
2. I love big cities! I have always dreamed of living in a loft over some cool Thai Restaurant. (Well like 4-7 floors above it.) We have talked about moving to San Francisco several times. Maybe someday we will!
3. When I was a kid my grandmother always made us use the bathroom before bed. She would even wake us in the middle of night to use it. Now I still have to go right before bed. If I wake up in the middle of the night, which I do very often, I can’t go back to sleep until I have gone to the bathroom. (Oh pregnancy is going to be fun!)
4. I don’t like pizza.
5. I LOVE all Asian food! From Pho to sushi.
6. I love to fill out forms. I know that sounds strange, but I do. DH has never filled out a medical, DMV, or tax form since we have been married.
7. I learned to swim before I could walk. I still love the water.
I would like to nominate all the ladies over in my sidebar! I want to know 7 things about you!!
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
I'm sure I will get over it. Just not today.
Monday, November 30, 2009
We set up our tree on Saturday.
I took these with my phone, sorry they aren't very good. I bought all new ornaments last year the day after Christmas. I was so excited to put the tree up. Now we just need to get the lights up outside and we will be set. Hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving! I can't believe 2009 is coming to an end. This year went by way too fast!
Monday, November 23, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Even though I have all this insanity going on with getting ready, all my thoughts are turned to IF. I was hoping the holidays would distract me... Hoping and praying this is our LAST holiday without a baby.
Monday, November 16, 2009
While I have been away I have still been reading your blogs. I was so sad to learn that two fellow IF sister had miscarriages in the last week. Please go over and give HUGS to MeAndBaby who just had her 3rd miscarriage after IUI #7 and Baby OCD who is having her first loss after 5 failed IFV's and her first DIUI. It is so incredibly unfair to try as hard as we do and have a pregnancy end in miscarriage. After all the time, effort and money it shouldn't happen. My heart goes out to both of these amazingly strong women.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
I was thinking about our plan last night and it dawned on me that is we would've started our first IVF in March as planned I would be 8 months pregnant right now. (Well if it would've worked.) My RE gave me an EDD of December 20th. There are times it feel like it will never happen. We have waited so long and we still have months to go. Sigh... I guess I am still being taught how to be patient.
Hope you all had a happy Halloween! Thanksgiving is only 3 weeks away! I better get shopping.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Friday, October 23, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Ingredients for men's :
Vitamin C (as ascorbic acid) 120 mg
Vitamin E (as d-alpha tocopherol) 150 IU
Vitamin B6 (as pyridoxine hydrochloride) 2 mcg
Vitamon B12 (as cyanocobalmin) 6 mcg
Folate (as folic acid) 400 mcg
Zinc (as gluconate) 15 gm
Selenium (as sodium selenate) 70 mcg
Proprietary Blend: L-Carnitine fumarate, green tea (camelia sinensis) - standardized leaf extract, and Dong quai - standardized root extract (900 mg)
Monday, October 19, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Lin at Our Someday Family... gave me an award! Thank you so much Lin! So now it is my turn to pass it on.
Here are the rules:
1. You Can Only Use One Word!
2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers
3. Alert them that you have given them this award!
4. Have Fun!
The Fun Part
1. Where is your cell phone? Purse
2. Your hair? Brown
3. Your mother? Amazing
4. Your father? Loving
5. Your favorite food? Chocolate
6. Your dream last night? Strange
7. Your favorite drink? Water
8. Your dream/goal? Motherhood
9. What room are you in? Office
10. Your hobby? Baking
11. Your fear? Rape
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Home
13. Where were you last night? Running
14. Something that you aren’t? Tall
15. Muffins? Blueberry
16. Wish list item? IVF
17. Where did you grow up? Cali
18. Last thing you did? Text
19. What are you wearing? Clothes
20. Your TV? There
21. Your pets? Remi
22. Friends? Missing
23. Your life? Waiting
24. Your mood? Content
25. Missing someone? Mom
26. Vehicle? Camry
27. Something you’re not wearing? Socks
28. Your favorite store? Target
29. Your favorite color? Red
30. When was the last time you laughed? Now
31. Last time you cried? Sunday
32. Your best friend? Hubby
33. One place that I go to over and over? Work
34. One person who emails me regularly? AM.R
35. Favorite place to eat? Sushi
Friday, October 2, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
I didn't break down at all, not even after it was all over. I do hate conversations ALL about birth and babies, and that is what baby showers are all about. So I mostly listened in and gave a supportive ear without adding anything to the conversation. The gifts were the hardest part, but I kept busy by making sure mom-to-be could reach each one and them I re-packaged them afterwards.
Thank you for all your supportive words. I have sworn off throwing baby showers indefinitely.
Friday, September 25, 2009
I wish I lived in this dream world. It gives me great hopes for our upcoming IVF cycle.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
I hardly know her.
This is her 4th, yes 4th, child.
Her second boy. (Her youngest is a boy. He's 5.)
Did I mention it is this Saturday...
I don't want to do this.
I don't want to do this...
Why did I offer??
I must be losing my mind!
Actually I think it is my way of saying, "Look I am playing nice. I am ok and have accepted my infertile state. Can I please have a baby now?"
Pathetic, I know.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
I really appreciated his honesty. I think both DH and myself were able to give him our insight into what E feels is happening in their marriage. One of the biggest faults dear J has is he doesn't take responsibility when he hurts E's feelings. He feels it is her fault she took something the way she did. I tried to explain he can't do this, and he wasn't really getting it. Then DH stepped in and gave him a harsh lesson in taking responsibility for his actions. (I just love him.) This is a lesson DH has learned over the last 6 years. If something he says hurts my feelings he need to own that and try to communicate better.
We learned a lot more about both J and E. Sweet E has some very self destructive behavior that is obviously affecting not only their marriage, but also her children. Yes, J has things he needs to work on, but E has to pull herself out of this bad place she is in where she hates J and herself.
I don't know what we can really do to help. DH has always felt I needed to speak out more when E is out of line. I have told him it is not my place, I don't need her to hate me too. Now let me say she is not doing anything like getting drunk or doing illegal drugs. Her bad habits are pity eating, spending $$, and drinking energy drinks, to name a few. (There are a few worse ones I don't think should be mentioned.) But when she was at our house venting Tuesday night DH wanted me to stick up for J and try to get her to talk to him. I feel she needs a place she can vent where she feels like she isn't judged. I have decided that from now on, she will not do this with me in front of her children. It is not healthy and they don't need to hear it. I am also going to try to encourage her to go to counseling. They have done marriage counseling, which didn't help too much, but I think she needs to do one-on-one sessions.
Thank you so much for all your comments on my last post. I really feel like I am at a loss and could use any advice I can get! And yes, we are a very different couple than they are. We have had 6 years to work on things just the two of us and E was pregnant with her first when they got married. So I think our relationship has a totally different dynamic.
Most importantly J said he has full faith E will return to the path she needs to be on. He knows this is just a big bump in the road and they will be ok. I hope he is right.
*As a little side note. I talked to DH about the not having kids comment he made last night and told him how much it hurt me. He apologized and said that was not what he meant. We just got in a new order of his Fertil.ity B.lend junk so hopefully that will help. We are moving forward.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Let me give you an example, last night she escaped to my house. I am pretty sure when her 4 children realized their mother was missing her husband informed them she had left them. Something like, "she left us. Can you believe that?!" I received a sobbing call from her 11 year old around 9:06 pm, right after she left, asking if I knew where his mom was. I told him she had just left and was on her way home.
I don't know what to do to help my friend. I really think they are just going through a bad year and need to continue to work at things. She is to the point where she wants to leave. I am wondering if it is better to do so given the current circumstances. Now let me also say her husband is not abusive or cheating. He is an overall good man who is just plain stupid at times.
So now, how this relates to me, seeing them argue over kids stuff is making my DH wonder why people have kids. I know he knows that the kids are not the issue, but he sees them as something more to strain a marriage. He told me he feels fortunate that we don't have them yet. Oh he drives me nuts! I think he was just saying it because that is how he felt at that moment. I wish he would think before he speaks.
The point, how do I support my friend without letting all of this bad mojo affect my marriage??
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Thank you, thank you, thank you for all the support!
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
It all started Saturday night when we were on our way home from a fun filled weekend with our family. DH was talking about the bonus he was hoping to get in December. He has been working really hard at his new job and doing very well. He made the comment, “I will keep it all for myself.” Um, no, our marriage has never been this way. We do live the yours-is-mine principle, so I knew he was somewhat joking about keeping it for himself. I said, “Oh, I thought you would be adding it to our IVF fund.” I guess that was not what he had in mind. He went on to tell me that he doesn’t think we will ever get to the point were we can stick $10-15K into treatment. He doesn’t see how we could ever save that kind of money. Life just happens and we need to save “x” amount before we can even think about doing this. And basically how he still needs to be able to have fun with some money before we do all of that. (Hello, what has been going on the last 5 years!?!?) All I heard was, “it’s never going to happen, I’m not ready, your dream is not mine.” I cried and was silent for a long time. We discussed some more, which was going nowhere, and decided to sleep on it.
Sunday I was so sad I couldn’t go to church. I called a friend to teach my class and stayed in bed most of the day. I didn’t eat anything. I was just too upset. He apologized and tried to explain what he meant. Obviously what was said and what I heard were two different things. I felt like few things were resolved and we left it at, yes we would do treatment... but who knows when.
Monday I came to work and decided I was just going to move on. I had to find another “thing” to take up my time. I was still devastated, but like I said in my first post, I would not force him into this. I needed him to be on board 100%. And as hard as it was to accept, I love him more than my desire to have children. So last night he couldn’t really get why I was still depressed. I told him how I felt and what I thought he was saying. Turns out I was still getting it wrong. We are still going to shoot for December, but that looks like a long shot given that we are still a considerable amount away from our goal. He wants to be sure we still have money left over in our savings when our first cycle is over. I can understand that. Our plan is for me to stay home after our miracle comes, so somehow in his mind that translates into me getting pregnant and stopping work all in one day, which will NOT be the case. So to appease him we will have a cushion before we start treatment.
Please tell me I am not the only one with a DH who freaks out a bit about the financial aspect of IVF. Have any of your husbands freaked out? I know he wants to be a parent, but for him it would be so much easier if it just happened. (Which he has admitted he still thinks it will. Hello! We have severe MFI! Obviously he needs to listen a bit more at our RE appointments.) Our RE even asked if we wanted to use donor sperm for our IVF. My reply, “thank you, but no. If we were going to go that route I could just use an OPT and inseminate myself! Thank you very much.” I want to at least try to have my husband’s child. I mean we haven’t even had one cycle yet, why would he put that out there so early?? He isn’t sterile. Ok, getting off track. My point in all of this is I feel like I am the only infertile lady who has a DH who still freaks out about doing IVF, even after 5 yrs of trying and several MD’s who have told us we will never get pregnant on our own. I really thought we were past this stuff. I really thought we were on the same page. I think we are, it’s just getting the money to do it and helping him feel comfortable with writing that check.
*Sorry to any of you who may have read my venting session yesterday. I just needed to put it out there, and after I did, I realized I was being dramatic and needed to hold off until all sides were considered.
**Also, I am not opposed to using donor sperm if it comes to that. I was just using our RE’s comment as a bench mark for where our MFI is. I hope I did not offend anyone.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Even this year, as we started our work-up with our RE, I was sure I would be pregnant by my birthday. August seemed so far away in January... Now we are here. It didn't take long at all. My dreams of having a family are still on hold but ever closer. Maybe next year.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Pick jaw up off floor and push eyes back into sockets.
And she just had her first OB appointment last week. Did I mention she lived with her grandmother, my co-worker, when she conceived?? Oh and she was on BCP to help prevent this kind of a mess. But at 16 who can really expect her to take that tiny pill everyday at precisely the exact same time as the day before as noted in the instructions.
My first words out were, "She's pregnant! B is pregnant!" "I wish I could give it to you," was her reply. I wish so too!
I would like to say that there are not two, but three guarantees in this life... death, taxes, and undeserved pregnancies.
***Yes, she will be keeping the baby and raising it with her drug abusing mother and mom's new live-in boyfriend. B's boyfriend is out of the picture, surprise, surprise.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
The rules of the “One Lovely Blog Award” are: Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link. Pass the award to other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.
I would like to pass this award along to these great girls:
1. Sassyiflady at The Sassy Infertile Lady
2. Lorza at Baby Making Journey
3. IF Optimist at IF Optimist, then...
4. Rebbecca at Crazy Lady Ramblings
5. Liddy at The Unfair Struggle
6. Hope.Fatith.Patience at Hope.Faith.Patience
7. Illanare at My word fly up, my thoughts remain below
8. Hillary at Making Me Mom
I know that there are supposed to be more, but so many people have received this lately. Thank you to all my readers. This journey is hard enough, we should not travel alone!
Friday, August 7, 2009
Imagine my surprise when a good friend sent me a message on facebook asking the question I haven't heard in years. She said, "You have been sick a lot lately. Are you sure it is not a miracle pregnancy... it has been know to happen." Right. Things like pregnancy don't just happen when your husband has a sperm count like mine. IF we get pregnant with IVF/ICSI that will be a miracle! Falling pregnant by ourselves, impossible.
This friend and I started trying at the same time. She is now expecting her third son in the next few weeks. For her, yes, babies happen. Maybe that is why she doesn't get it. All those stories of people trying for 11 years and now are expecting twins after they stopped trying, do not have our issues. Or the ones that adopt and then go on to have 12 biological children. (Yes, this happened to a family I knew growing up.) This will not be our fate. God gives us all different trials and blessings. I have come to accept that. It's ok.
Why can't the rest of the world accept my infertility?
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Especially for those of you who may not find the "deed" as enticing as it once was. All I can say is "THANK YOU" to whoever invented this!!
Thursday, July 30, 2009
I know I do when I see a pregnant woman or a mother holding a newborn. But over the coarse of the last year or so I have learned a lot about envy. I know we have heard a million times how it is poisonous. How it can kill any relationship. Well now I am finally starting to really get it.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Now I know that she is late but will be here soon enough. I know that this month will not be "the month". I know my nausea, fatigue, thirst, etc. are not early pregnancy symptoms. I know I am not pregnant.
On the flip side, these past five years have taught me to value AF because she means we have another chance. I have learned to enjoy intimacy with my husband because, for us, it will not produce a child. I have gained a broader understanding of the human body and what a wonder it is that anyone gets pregnant by accident!
Taking the good with the bad is all any of us can do in our situations and pray that hope is not gone forever.
Monday, July 20, 2009
I am concerned about feeling like a number, but we wont know if we don't consult with them. Lots of wonderful women have said great things about them.
As for the loan, we are still kind of up in the air. I really think it would give us peace of mind. (No we have NEVER borrowed money from my parents.) So we would owe them, but the extra interest the 401k would charge my mom would go directly into her account, so it would increase the amount. We are going to save like crazy and see what we can come up with in the next few months. Time just goes by so quickly!!
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
DH and I went to see Transformers with some friends. Saturday night. I took my phone out to turn the ringer off and my mom was calling me. I told her we were getting ready to watch a movie and usually she would say, "Oh, ok. Well call me later." This time she proceeded to talk, so I knew something was up. She told me that she has a retirement account she wants to pull $9k dollars out of so we can get the "baby show" on the road. She can pull it out without penalties as long as it is for an emergency. We would pay her back over the next few months. I told her no way! She said she wanted me to talk it over with DH and call her back. So as we waited for the previews to start I told him about it. He said no way. I was sad, but relived at the same time. He said he would rather take out an infertility loan. I called her to tell her our decision. She said, "Well tell him he better hurry up or I am just going to take out the money anyway."
Now the more time I have had to think about it, the more I want to do it. We are about 5-6 months away from having all our money saved. That is IF we do everything right. This way we could do it now and just pay my mom with the money we were going to save. My mom will not hold anything over our heads, she is wonderful. She just desperately wants grandchildren, and she knows how much we want to be parents. My brother and his wife have a 1 year old daughter who my mother adores, but my sister-in-law is not the kindest person. Plus they live in Utah and we get to see them maybe once a year. So to her it is not "real", for lack of a better word.
What should we do??
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Option #1: The one we had our first consult with Dr. Know-it-all, is the closest and we have family that reside in the this location. So when I am having daily bw/us I can rely on someone to be with me and a place to crash so I don't have to travel back and forth daily if I would prefer not to make the trip. Problem I he is not my favorite and doe not have super good stats according to the SART report. [2007 report: <35 - 17 cycles - 5 live births]
Option #2: The RE clinic that is 1.5 hours away in the Bay Area. They are a large clinic and have descent stats on the SART report. On the bulletin board I belong to lots of women recommended them. They are expensive, but are offering a 25% discount for IVF. [2007 report: <35 - 62 cycles - 32% live birth]
Option #3: The RE that is 3 hours away. I know no one in this town and am not quite sure how all the logistics would work out. I fell drawn to this clinic for some reason. His clinic is fairly priced and has a very kind staff. I have a close friend that cycled there and ended up with triplets from her first cycle 5 years ago, we both have severe MFI. He has 100% success with MFI diagnosis for 2007. Now he did only do 8 total cycles of <35 age group.
So my fellow bloggers I need your help!! I'm not sure which RE to choose from. I am so confused. What would you do??
Thursday, July 2, 2009
The nice thing is every section is separate, so it can be as big or small as you want. Ours is larger than what they have pictured here. We have gone a few months without a couch. (I got really tired of our old one, so one day I just stuck it out on our front lawn with a sign. It was gone within an hour. Our small Ikea loveseat was all we were left with.) When we had our offer accepted on the new home I told DH the first thing we were going to do is buy a new couch. We looked for a few weeks and finally found this one. Now we can have guests over again!
Monday, June 22, 2009
I am not upset by her news. I feel genuinely happy for her. It will be fun to have a baby around to love and hold that I can pass back when I am done. She is so gracious with letting me hold her little one now and I adore that little girl. And I know that the Lord has a time for us. And it will come. Things have been so crazy around here with DH new job and moving into our new house. I am so grateful we had to postpone IVF for a bit. I cannot imagine trying to cycle or being newly pregnant. Hopefully things will calm down a bit after the big move on Saturday and we will be able to relax. Here's to a wonderful July!
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Three years ago my younger sister and her then husband found out they were pregnant. They had been trying for 18 months, just a few months less than us, and she was so excited. I remember crying all afternoon. "They don't even have a good relationship. Why would the Lord bless them with a baby and not us?" I remember telling DH. I couldn't talk to her for weeks. I was so grateful we didn't live in the same town so I didn't have to see her everyday. He pregnancy was perfect. She wasn't sick, she felt good, life was great. She went in on a Monday for her 25 week ultrasound to learn the sex of the baby... there was no heartbeat... I called her that morning to see what the results were. She answered in hysterics and gave me the news. I left work and drove the hour south to be with her. I was there most of the week and went to the hospital with her for her c-section that Friday. When it was all over with they brought in her little guy so she could see him for a bit. He was perfect. They never did find out what went wrong with the pregnancy. Her baby boy did not have a liver, but the doctors couldn't tell her why.
At the moment she called me to tell me she was pregnant I would have given anything to switch places with her. And by the end I was so grateful I didn't have to go through all of that. She and her husband divorced last year after 5 years together and now she feels like it was a blessing they didn't have any children together, but it doesn't make her loos any less painful. It doesn't make her miss what would have been. We all have our trials and none of us know what the whole story is. I pray that the next time I see a baby bump I will be able to think about this instead of envy to be in that woman's shoes.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Friday, June 12, 2009
1. I truly believe everything happens for a reason.
2. I still run and jump into bed sometimes when it is dark and my husband isn’t home. (I guess to avoid monsters.)
3. I am an avid researcher. I had a co-worker who loved to ask me questions because I know so many random things, and she knew if I didn’t know the answer I would find it. I just like to know things.
4. I am the oldest of six children.
5. I am Mormon and very active in my church. (Which explains the 5 younger siblings)
6. I love water. I drink it by choice.
7. I prefer to drive barefoot.
8. I am only 5’2” but I say, “I am 5’4”, on good days.”
9. I love to write. I am not saying I am good at, I just really enjoy putting my thoughts down on paper.
10. Baking is my all time favorite thing to do. I love to get lost in a new recipe.
11. I am a small person. Not just in height or weight, just in general. My 9 year old sister calls me a midget. All of my siblings are taller than me, except the 9 year old, by at least 5-6 inches. My one and only brother is 6’3” and once weighed in at 270 lbs. (He now weighs close to 170) People still cannot believe we have the same mother and father.
12. My DH and I still act like newlyweds. We celebrated 6 years in May and just love to be with one another. I really lucked out in the marriage department.
13. My favorite TV show is The Office.
14. I will try any kind of food once.
15. I love to wear black.
16. I am a morning person. I just love the rush and energy of a new day.
17. I think it is fun to quote random movies.
18. I am a really feisty little person.
19. I love sushi.
20. I love modern design.
21. I do not have a green thumb. I have killed every pant I have ever owned.
22. I love getting stuff in the mail. Even if I know it is coming. It is like Christmas in July!
23. I love to dance. Even when there is no music. I have a song always running in my head.
24. I can memorize things really quickly, which really came in handy when I was in school.