Tuesday, September 29, 2015


I guess I should start with my consult with the new doctor. It went very well. He has one of the top clinics in the country and is based out of a city a few hrs from here. He opened this new office to help women in our local area have access to better care than the other clinic that is in town. I felt very at peace with him and his ability to help us have another baby. I told him they found a fibroid at the clinic up north and he did an US to check it out. He did find a little something but compared to what the other clinic found it looked like it had gone away. It was a large black spot before and this time it was all white shaded like any other part of my uterus on the screen. He wanted me to do a hysterosonogram to be sure nothing was protruding and interfering with my lining. He also wanted to have DH do a chromosomal test to check for Y chromosome deletion. So we will see what that revels, since all other tests have been normal and there seems to be no cause for his infertility.

Today was my appt for the hysterosonogram and it went fine. An MD came in to place the catheter and fill my uterus with saline. It was nice because he was able to tell me exactly what he saw where a US tech I know cannot. He said everything looked perfect and normal. He will be sending the results to my RE and we will see if he wants to do something else to check the possible spot he saw on the US. He has mentioned possibly doing an MRI. I'm not sure. The procedure went smoothly and wasn't painful. The catheter went in smoothly and it wasn't painful. I have had some mild cramping all day but other than that no complaints.

It is strange to be at this point again. I really thought our fertility treatment days were behind us. I was ready to dive headfirst into another adoption journey. And we had, until it all fell apart. It is interesting to me how many women in the IF world pick a route and only go down that road. Meaning if they pursue adoption and are successful they do another and another until their family is complete. And even on the IVF route, women do it over and over until they are done building their families. I know a few people who have both adopted and IVF babies but it seems more seem to stick to one road or another. And I know some can only adopt. For me it was just the path we were successful with and I wanted to do what worked again. And I really didn't want Little Miss to be our only adopted child. I didn't want her to feel she was different. And maybe that's the same feeling a lot of families have.

For now I feel really good about going down the IVF road again. I actually feel really calm and at peace about it all. Which for me is a big thing since I am an avid worrier. I could have a gold medal in worrying. So here we go folks. Lets hope this roller coaster isn't as bad as the last one and that at the end there is a healthy baby!

Sunday, September 20, 2015


I have been going back and forth a lot lately about the decision we made to not continue with our latest expectant mom. There are times I have thought maybe I could have dealt with her keeping the baby for a month... Maybe I could have convinced her to come here part of the time... Maybe I missed the boat big time on this one. Her due date was Tuesday. That day DH also had to leave for emergency work out of town and still isn't back. (There are some major fires going on in our dry state so his company has to access the damage.) I just felt weepy part of the day. Then Thursday I felt really down. I hadn't slept well the days prior with DH gone and AF was coming to town. It made for a rough day. Little Miss was all I had to keep my spirits up. I had a good cry and felt better the next day.

We are still friends on FB so I was wondering if/when she was going to post something about the baby. Given she was still planning on placing her, last we talked, I thought she might not post anything because I know she was going to hide the adoption from the birth father. (I know major red flag for an adoption.) So last night I got on FB and I had a notification she had posted 2 new photos. Sure enough she had baby girl Thursday. And guess what... She won't be placing her.

In that moment I felt complete gratitude for a loving Heavenly Father who has a plan for us and that He helped me make the right choice and let go of this match 4 weeks ago. I could feel in my heart that this was not going to end the way we wanted it to and that even if she did end up placing with us after keeping baby for 2-4 weeks I would be a mess the whole time. Even after placement I would constantly wonder if she was going to take her back. Until TPR is signed and the waiting period has passed anything can happen. I am thankful I did not have to be there in the delivery room and witness this sweet baby entering the world. I know I would've fallen for her in an instant. I'm thankful Little Miss never got to meet her. I thankful we didn't have to have this all come crashing down after she was born. It was hard to let go at 36 weeks in her pregnancy. We had been with her since week 13 but it was 137x easier to let go then vs trying to now.

I feel validated in our decision. I was to scream from the roof tops "I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN!!!" and "SEE I TOLD YOU SHE WOULDN'T PLACE!!" but alas I will keep my mouth shut. Outside of myself and DH only my mom and one close friend know. I will tell others as they ask. A lot of people don't even know the adoption fell through, so I still have people asking if we are expecting her any day now. I really want to talk to her and find out when she changed her mind. I will never know, but from what I gather it seems like it happened after she gave birth. She may have been wavering in the final days but I think she held that baby in her arms and knew she couldn't let her go. Her FB post hinted at that. Although most of her FB friends had no idea she was PG, once again given she was planning on placing and hiding it from BF.

Part of me still hopes she will change her mind down the road. Her situation is so much worse than most. And this poor little innocent baby is in for a hard ride. She has no support and will be kicked out of the home she is currently a fo.ster chi.ld in. Back when she changed her mind the first time she had ONE friend who said she would take her and the baby in for a few months until she could get on her feet. Then that friend backed out a week later. When we talked about it when she came to visit I asked her what she would've done had she kept the baby, been homeless, she said she didn't want to think about it and we changed the subject. Those who are single moms know how hard being a single mom is. Even if you have a great support system all the responsibility falls on your shoulders. My heart just breaks for her and baby girl as I can see the cards are stacked against them. I know motherhood puts a fire under you like nothing else, so maybe that will be enough for her to do everything she needs to to get her life together. But so much of what she is facing is out of her control, and that is the part I worry about the most.

I'm grateful for the closure this brings me. And now I can move on and hope for success in the future. I have an appt with the new IVF clinic in town on Wednesday. I hope it will be great and I will feel like this is the right option for us. After going to the info meeting at the adoption agency I didn't feel that was the right path of us, at least not right now, so I was left feeling stuck and lost. So I'm hopeful maybe doing IVF again is what we are supposed to do.

Friday, September 4, 2015

Let's get the ball rolling again

Since we are now back at square one with baby #2 we figured, let's get things rolling and start the adoption process for real with an agency. Oh and we might as well use those last 3 Day 1 2PN embryos from IVF #1. So I have a consult appt set up with the old clinic for October 15th. 

The adoption path looks a little something like this from here; Step 1 ~ We have a free information meeting this coming Tuesday to get info on the agency. Then we have to pay a $25 application fee and a $500 enrollment fee to get the ball rolling. Step 2 ~ Get our classes set up and pay around $3k for them. They only hold them once a quarter and the next ones are the first three Saturdays in November. Which doesn't work since one falls on Little Miss' 3rd birthday. And they run from 9-1 so 4 hrs. It looks like we will have to wait a few months to get those set up. Step 3 ~ Home Study and lots of personal questions no one really wants to tell a perfect stranger (or even a close friend ie. how often do you and your partner have intercourse?) need to be answered. Those fees will run us about $8500. After that is all completed we will officially be a waiting family. I have a play date set up with a friend who adopted their DD from the same agency Saturday. I'm going to ask her about BM fees and other things that may not be included in the fees mentioned above. Once placement occurs there is a $5k finalization fee. So all together we are looking at around $17k or a little less to go this route. 

The FET path looks a little something like this: Step 1 ~ Consultation with RE. Step 2 ~ Blood work. Step 3 ~ Prep for transfer. Step 4 ~ Transfer. We have insurance coverage for some of the costs and back 5 years ago when we were on the IVF roller coaster a FET with our office was around $1.5k. Since we do have a deductible we will end up paying for most of the fees before anything is covered. But this is obviously a much cheaper option!

I swore after the horror or IVF #1 I would never go back to this office. But since we moved back to our home town and the office is less than 3 miles from our new home I figured I might as well give the last 3 embryos a try. The good news is since we did IVF #1 another IVF clinic has opened in our hometown. So if we decide to possibly move on to IVF #2 we have options. I don't think with all the anxiety I feel over doing another cycle I could emotionally handle traveling 3-4 hrs to the other clinics that are in the state of CA to do a cycle with them. I'm not super hopeful about these little 3 embryos amounting to a real live baby, but I don't feel right leaving them in cold storage forever or destroying them when it took SOOOO much to create them. But this clinic better not try to do a full work up on me and DH when I have zero intention of cycling with them again. Well with a fresh cycle that is. 

I must admit I am a bit jaded after our recent adoption failure. I don't know that I have it in me to fail again. And I'm really scared that if we go that route we will fail again. I feel peace about that situation ending. I really feel it was right for us, but that doesn't mean it isn't hard. EM is due in 9 days. 9 days!! It's hard not to think about what might have been had I just gone along with her plan... But then again I feel like she won't end us placing in the end anyway. It's so back and forth for me. I'm confused why that situation had to be part of our journey to baby #2. I guess we may never know why. All I know is I'm ready to make something happen so we are going to get all the info we can and then do what we can to bring another baby home. 

To be continued...