tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-64784236931105480442024-03-13T09:40:25.712-07:00One Who UnderstandsTrying to find peace and happiness while living in a fertile world.One Who Understandshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16910813050360555172noreply@blogger.comBlogger192125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6478423693110548044.post-85928874913151077102019-06-11T10:09:00.000-07:002019-06-11T14:04:45.249-07:00Baby #2It's been 3 years since I last posted. It was at a time when I wasn't sure where our story would go or how I would be able to continue. It took a long time for my heart to heal. Really there are still days I think about the two 2 year olds I should have running around driving me crazy and I get a little sad. Luckily those days are few and far between, as I realize that dwelling and wishing won't make a difference.<br />
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The last 3 years have brought heartache and joy. We were contacted by another birth mom in July 2016 about her baby girl. The baby was 3 months old and the mother was 15 at the time. She was considering adoption. The mother was in foster care and wanted a stable home for her child. We met both of them a few times and sadly she did not place.<br />
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In 2017 I contacted a local agency and we prepared our home study. We were approved in April 2018. (they are a smaller agency so it took over 6 months!) We were matched within days for being approved with a BM that was due in 2 weeks. I couldn't believe it! It was a risky situation, so our agency told us it might not happen. Sure enough her due date came and went and they didn't hear from her again.<br />
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We had a few other situations presented over the next two months and then complete silence from June-October. During this time I was praying a lot about what we should do. I wanted to contact a few other agencies and expand our reach, but that didn't feel right. I felt prompted to call our RE and set up an appt for a FET. This was the LAST thing I wanted to do. After our loss I was scared to death to be pregnant again. It took me months to reconcile these feelings. I finally called and we saw him in September 2018.<br />
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I thought the appt would be easy. He would do a saline sono and mock transfer and we would be cycling with my next period. Or so I thought. Turns out I had a fibroid inside my uterine cavity. I had to set an appt for an MRI and meet with a local surgeon. I did both and had surgery to remove the fibroid on November 2nd. It was a minor procedure much like a D&C. My OB said he got everything so I was cleared to cycle.<br />
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My RE wanted another repeat saline sono preformed. In that they saw the fibroid. My RE canceled my cycle. I talked to my OB he said the fibroid wasn't inside the cavity and I would have no difficulty conceiving. My RE wanted the rest of the fibroid to be removed but that would require major surgery like a c-section. And this fibroid is tiny, 1.5 cm. I convinced him to do another saline sono and if the cavity was clear, as I knew it would be, to allow me to cycle. He agreed. Sure enough cavity was clear and I cycle with my December cycle.<br />
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On Jan 4, 2019 we made the drive to the Bay Area to transfer one of our two remaining embryos. The transfer went smoothly and we went home. The week leading to my beta was full of ups and downs. I was sure it hadn't worked so many times. On Jan 14 I got the call, beta was 208!!! I was pregnant! Beta number 2 came back at 411, so a little less than double but they reassured me everything was fine. We had an ultrasound Jan 25 and saw one tiny heartbeat. It was magical.<br />
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My pregnancy has been full of ups and downs. I had a subchoronic hematoma and started to bleed at 7w1d and had another big bleed at 7w3d. I had spotting until I was 11w. It was hard!!! I was so sick the first trimester too. It was a lot to take in. We had our NT scan at 13w1d and no sign of the SCH and baby was perfect! And we found out we were having a GIRL!!!<br />
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I am now 25w2d pregnant with this little miracle. I can't believe how blessed we are and that things seem to be moving along smoothly. We look forward to meeting baby girl September 22nd.One Who Understandshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16910813050360555172noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6478423693110548044.post-58939799881393037782016-06-13T17:22:00.001-07:002016-06-13T17:22:41.219-07:00LossI don't really know where to start this post. I haven't posted in so long even blogging seems foreign. This blog was created to document our struggles to parenthood. Then when we adopted our daughter I considered taking it down since we had reached our end goal... But I knew our story wasn't over. The years ticked by and we had a couple opportunities to adopt. The last of witch ended in a loss. After that loss I knew I couldn't adopt again. It was too painful. The wound seems so fresh and watching that baby girl grow via social media reopened the wound over and over again. Since we still wanted to add to our family we turned to fertility treatments once again. Which, if you would've asked me at the beginning of 2015, when we thought we were adopting again, I would've told you were beyond trying that again. For me that ship had sailed and I was not willing to board again. But with the adoption path being too painful to venture down again I knew it was time to try, at least one last time.<br />
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So in November 2015 I started BCP for IVF #2, on my daughters 3rd birthday. That cycle ended before egg retrieval. I was understimulated and I knew I could produce more eggs. After some serious consideration I opted not to cycle with that doctor again. Our only other option was to go to a big clinic in the Bay Area of CA. So I called and on Dec 22 we had our consult. I was confident this was our clinic! I hated they were 3+ hrs drive away one way, as I hate traffic and driving in general, but we knew it was a sacrifice we had to make.<br />
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IVF #3 started in March 2016. I took BCP and then started stims a few days later. By March 21st, after 10 days of stims, I was ready to trigger and I had my retrieval set for 10 am March 23rd. They retrieved 14 eggs, 9 were mature and 7 fertilized perfectly. By day 3, 5 looked perfect and 2 were growing slow. By day 5 we had 2 almost perfect ones to transfer. 3-5 more were on track to freeze the next day. We transferred these two beautiful blasts on March 28th.<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-vTHXYthfasc/V1ctK8z4FTI/AAAAAAAAAOg/AXDa44B2r2Ua2a3tGTP5qsq1L-4mTyvIQCK4B/s1600/image1%2B%25282%2529.JPG" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-vTHXYthfasc/V1ctK8z4FTI/AAAAAAAAAOg/AXDa44B2r2Ua2a3tGTP5qsq1L-4mTyvIQCK4B/s320/image1%2B%25282%2529.JPG" width="239" /></a><br />
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Even the doctor said they were beautiful. I had my first HCG blood draw 9 days later. I was anxious about it, but was pretty sure it had worked because I was feeling so sick. On day 8 post transfer I took a pregnancy test and for the first time ever saw two lines!!<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-R5hIjXwKyyI/V1czbwG26zI/AAAAAAAAAPA/4sQG84xIeJsM68alggHHkxc_smgQhHzZACK4B/s1600/image1.JPG" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-R5hIjXwKyyI/V1czbwG26zI/AAAAAAAAAPA/4sQG84xIeJsM68alggHHkxc_smgQhHzZACK4B/s320/image1.JPG" width="320" /></a><br />
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We were over the moon!! I couldn't believe after 12 years TTC and 3 IVF's I was pregnant! First beta at 9 days post transfer was 215 and then two days later 449. I was really sick with OHSS brought on by pregnancy, so I didn't enjoy the news as much as I thought I would. I had gained about 5 lbs in water weight and felt like I looked about 5 months pregnant. I cried a lot from pain. But about 6 weeks in the OHSS started to subside and just normal pregnancy symptoms remained. I was throwing up daily and nauseated all the time. I felt like I had the flu, but all of this was so welcome and appreciated because it meant I was pregnant.<br />
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At 6 weeks 5 days I went in for my first ultrasound. I was beyond nervous!!! The RE stuck the probe in and found a sac. He said the sac looked small but the baby had a good strong heartbeat at 126 bpm. Then he looked around and found a second sac!!!! TWINS!!<br />
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But the excitement was short lived. He couldn't see a heartbeat at first with Baby B. Then he did find one but it was slow and irregular. Both the baby and the sac measured right on track. But, he didn't even print out a picture for us because he was sure that twin would not survive. Que tears. So he moved back to Baby A and measured some more. The baby was measuring 3-4 days behind where it was supposed to be. He told me not to worry that it was still within range and it was not concerning.<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-WNKlbwpiZRo/V1yTw-cmRHI/AAAAAAAAAPQ/1L7hs682sQsDFYtu3-hnT_gL2Mol669XQCK4B/s1600/image1%2B%25283%2529.JPG" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-WNKlbwpiZRo/V1yTw-cmRHI/AAAAAAAAAPQ/1L7hs682sQsDFYtu3-hnT_gL2Mol669XQCK4B/s320/image1%2B%25283%2529.JPG" width="240" /></a><br />
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This is the picture we got of Baby A. I looked at it the whole long drive home and cried about both of our little babies having issues.<br />
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The next two weeks while we waited for our next scan were long. I was still feeling very sick so I hoped that was a good sign and the babies were growing. We went back on May 9th, the day after Mother's Day, and I felt confident both babies would be good. We had prayed a lot and I fully expected to see a miracle. Unfortunately what we saw was not a miracle. Baby B no longer had a heartbeat and was no longer visible in it's sac. Two weeks earlier it looked just like the above pic of Baby A and this time it looked like this,<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-JMhb6Pxg_Jo/V1yUtp2Rt3I/AAAAAAAAAPc/rx1mzM-7qMMhN4EBaf-lnFLSN7InixehgCK4B/s1600/image2.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-JMhb6Pxg_Jo/V1yUtp2Rt3I/AAAAAAAAAPc/rx1mzM-7qMMhN4EBaf-lnFLSN7InixehgCK4B/s320/image2.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
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This is the only pic I have of both babies. Baby B's sac is viable on the left and part of Baby A is on the right. But in this pic you can get an idea of how small Baby A's sac seems to be compared to Baby B's.<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-SvX25GExIuE/V1yVHStbhsI/AAAAAAAAAPk/hNuS--smBsA5LC2QzzhraVLl16T6EPH-ACK4B/s1600/image3.JPG" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-SvX25GExIuE/V1yVHStbhsI/AAAAAAAAAPk/hNuS--smBsA5LC2QzzhraVLl16T6EPH-ACK4B/s320/image3.JPG" width="240" /></a><br />
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Here is Baby A's heartbeat. And you can see how small the sac was. But at least we head a heartbeat at 180-186 bpm. The NP seemed to be pleased with what she was seeing but I have seen enough ultrasound pics from other ladies and knew that the small sac wasn't a great sign. They released me from my RE's office with well wishes and requests for baby pictures, but all I could do was cry. I cried and cried and cried some more. We had lost one twin for sure and I was feeling uneasy about Baby A's prognosis.<br />
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I called my local OB and made and appt for that Thursday, May 12. They didn't do an ultrasound but were able to squeeze me in the next day. I was so nervous about going alone but my DH was confident since I wasn't bleeding or cramping and we had just seen the heartbeat 4 days earlier everything would be fine. I knew I shouldn't have gone alone...<br />
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The tech put the probe in and Baby A popped up on the screen. I could immediately tell it was over. No heartbeat. My world shattered in an instant. She looked around and found Baby B as well and nothing had changed there.<br />
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I was moved to a little room to wait for the doctor. I texted DH and he came immediately to be with me. I cried while the OB talked and cried the rest of the day. My babies were dead. Game over. There was no going back. I was numb for days. The next Tuesday, May 17, I had a D&C so I wouldn't have to miscarry at home. I couldn't wait around for my body to realize my babies were dead. It felt like it would be like losing them all over again.<br />
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The procedure was simple and I woke up without pain. I slept most of the day. My womb felt so empty and strange. I wanted to rip it out of my body. It failed my babies.<br />
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It has been 4.5 weeks since we learned about Baby A passing and I wish I could say it was getting easier. But it isn't. I don't cry everyday, all day, so that's good. I can get up and get dressed, so that's good. I still feel empty and lost. Luckily I have Little Miss to keep reminding me I am a mom, and losing the twins doesn't take away that. But it's hard to be the mom she deserves when I am in such grief. It's a daily struggle to put on my best face and take things one step at a time. She talks about the babies all the time. It beaks my heart when she says she will have a little brother and sister. When she tells me it is hard to wait for the babies to come. When she says she has two babies in her tummy and she will share one with me so my uterus won't be empty. I wanted her to be a big sister so badly.<br />
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My due date was Dec 14. My kids would've been almost exactly 4 yrs apart, depending on when they came. I would've been in my second trimester officially on Wednesday. A part of me died with these babies. I will never be the same person I was before this loss. I hope this change will be one that is for the better but right now it is hard to tell. I am in such a fog. I have no hope for more kids. I have lost it all. We have technically lost 3 babies in 9 months, with our failed adoption last year. It is more than I can bear. At least right now. I am eternally grateful for my DH!!! He has been AMAZING through all of this. Totally letting me breakdown and then picking up the slack and building me back up. He is my rock. This has really brought us to a new level of love in our relationship.<br />
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We do still have two embryos that are a 5AA and 5AB to transfer. I don't know that they will implant and result in a pregnancy let alone a real live baby. And I know I can't handle another loss right now, so we will wait until I am strong enough. My OB told me at my follow up appt on Monday that my hormones are still close to pregnancy levels, so my body still thinks it is 13 weeks pregnant. That made me fell a bit better since I still feel some of them. Once my cycle resumes it will flush them out and I will feel more normal. I am hopeful some of this emotion will flush out with them as well.<br />
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I never thought I would be in this place. I really didn't believe we would ever get pregnant, and I foolishly believed if I did there was no way I would lose the baby. I mean come on, it took us 12 years and 3 IVF cycles, that just wouldn't be fair. Well life isn't fair and I know other women who have been trough so much more and still don't get their happy endings.<br />
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I was talking to an IF friend the other day about how much this journey is about loss. No matter what stage we are in, we are all learning to cope with loss. Loss of control, loss of privacy, loss of intimacy, loss of our dreams for our family, loss of embryos, loss of faith in our bodies, the list goes on and on. The reoccurring theme of IF is loss. I personally haven't learned how to deal with all of it. I know some women when they are on the other side can say it was all worth it. They can see the loss and see the reason or what it lead them to... I hope to make it to that side. I felt so sure in my faith and hope after Little Miss was born. I felt confident my Heavenly Father had a plan and I was privileged to be able to witness his desires for our family. But now I feel lost. Was this really his plan?? Why would he want any woman to experience this kind of loss? And to feel this kind of pain? Why would I be asked to bear this burden? Why did both of my babies have to die? Why did I see a heartbeat on Monday instead of having lost them both at once and being able to mourn that loss instead of keeping my hope for one alive? Why why why????<br />
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I may never have the answers to any of these questions, and this is the space I live in now. I'm going to be honest it is a hard place to be. I'm a dead baby mamma now. It's an exclusive club no one wants to belong to. All I can do is pray that I can find peace in this place and let go of the anger and pain I hold on to. But that will take time. Lots of time...One Who Understandshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16910813050360555172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6478423693110548044.post-71215658030234207552015-12-10T16:41:00.001-08:002015-12-10T16:41:21.537-08:00CanceledI went in for my last monitoring appt today at a local US office. SInce a tech was performing the US and not a MD I didn't get to see the screen. She let me see what my ovaries looked like on the screen after she was done, not super helpful. I have been feeling like maybe we should pull the plug on this cycle since Monday and learning I only had 4-7 good follicles. So I've been praying and thinking about it. Today when my RE's office called to tell me my retrieval would be Saturday I told her I need to speak to the RE. He called me back and said I had 3 follicles about 20 and 3 around 17. So maybe 6 eggs total. That wasn't enough for me. I'm 33, I shouldn't have responded so poorly. He said that about 1/2 of my eggs should be normal too, last visit, so then we are looking at 1-3 eggs. UGH! I told him I couldn't continue with the way things were going. He understood. But wants to try again in a few months. I want to find another clinic.<br />
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I feel like the lady who just keeps jumping ship. First with the adoption and now this. But both times I have felt peace about our decision. So that's what I need to go with. This time I just couldn't spend the $6k we were going to drop on anesthesia and the lab fees for 6 possible eggs. Last time we had 21 and 0 babies. I just need more to feel like it will work.<br />
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So here we are again. Back to square one... But with each failure we learn. So not all is lost.One Who Understandshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16910813050360555172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6478423693110548044.post-34447075968935536662015-12-07T11:52:00.002-08:002015-12-08T07:55:12.958-08:00Trying to be gratefulStims Day 8 and today was my first monitoring appt at the office. Let's start with the good news:<br />
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1. I am not at risk for OHSS this time around<br />
2. I will not be coasting so I should have better quality eggs<br />
3. We are headed for a fresh transfer once eggs are fertilized!!<br />
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Now the not so good news is this protocol seems to make my ovaries lazy. I have felt bloated for DAYS and was sure I was growing a good 20+ eggs. Nope, not even close. He measured a total of 7 follicles. Yep 7.... I was devastated. He said, "you are a reproductive endocrinologists worst nightmare. You either produce way too many eggs or nothing at all." Great. He is confident we should have at least 4 good ones in there and he said 50% at my age should be chromosomally normal. So now we'er down to two. And given my hubby has super crappy sperm maybe just one. I want to cry and throw a tantrum like my 3 year old. He didn't want to cancel. I don't really want to cancel. But am I doing all of this for one (maybe) embryo. If I was guaranteed that embroy would be one healthy baby I would do it without thinking twice. But let's be real for just a second. Last time I had 21 eggs, 17 fertilized, only 5 were good enough to transfer over two FET. And we ended with 0 babies. I know IVF is not a numbers game but the stats sure aren't on our side. Yesterday I was feeling good and was sure this was our time. Today I just want to crawl in bed and cry.<br />
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The worst part is this is what I have been praying for. I wanted to not overstimulate and be able to do a fresh transfer. So not only do I feel deflated that there isn't much going on, I feel guilty for feeling that way. UGH!<br />
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Next US is Thursday and then we are thinking a retrieval on Saturday. Pray for me...One Who Understandshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16910813050360555172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6478423693110548044.post-80572220699064337822015-12-05T13:17:00.001-08:002015-12-05T13:17:18.547-08:00Stims Day 6This time around has been very different. I didn't realize I was doing a completely different protocol, I mean I thought I was but wasn't 100% sure. So last time we did the normal Long Lupron Protocol. This time I'm doing an Antagonist Protocol. (Link <a href="https://www.fertilityauthority.com/articles/which-ivf-protocol-right-you" target="_blank">here</a> to read up on the difference.) I don't feel as sick this time. <a href="http://onewhounderstands.blogspot.com/2010_02_01_archive.html" target="_blank">Last</a> time <a href="http://onewhounderstands.blogspot.com/2010/03/ohss.html" target="_blank">OHSS</a> set in pretty quick. By Day 4 of stims I was losing my mind. I was anxious and all over the place. This time around I feel pretty normal. I haven't been sleeping well, so I'm overly tired and that makes me a little loopy and grumpy but I don't know that I can blame that on the meds. I have been feeling bloated since stims Day 2. I think I'm just sensitive to any changes going on. (Pregnancy is going to be fun,eh?) I don't feel like I have a ball in my belly but more like I have a golf ball on either side of my uterus. Little Miss has been a great distraction this cycle too. I am not obsessed with what is constantly going on and every little symptom because I have a 3 yr old. I can't be. And not everything is riding on this cycle, like I felt it was last time. I am already a mom. If this doesn't work we will try something else. We are hopeful it will but this doesn't feel like an end all.<br />
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I go back in Monday for my first US. I am really hoping I will be close to done. I started Ganirelix today and will only be on that for a few days to prevent my LH surge. I am happy this is almost done. It has gone by so fast this time around. It feels like we just made the decision to do IVF again and now here I am about to have my retrieval. Praying for good eggs and not too many!One Who Understandshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16910813050360555172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6478423693110548044.post-1867096275844207512015-11-30T12:55:00.002-08:002015-11-30T12:57:05.320-08:00Stims Day 1Went in for my US this morning and everything looked good. I took my two vials of Menopur right there in the office. Not the most pleasant shot but still ok. My mom went with me and learned how to give me the shot since DH is gone in the am pretty early. My side hurts a bit but other than that I'm good.<br />
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So I'm a bit nervous about this cycle. My RE was already discussing a FET, and I was like wait what??? And he said he is toning down my meds compared to last time but it is likely I will still be a good responder and we may have to freeze everything. I'm praying that won't happen. I want a fresh transfer. So fingers crossed. I stim until next Monday and then I'm back in to see how I'm doing. Weird thing, this office doesn't monitor my E2. Anyone ever had that happen? No blood draw today and not doing one next Monday either. Seems a bit strange. Especially since I had OHSS last time. It makes me a little concerned. I am grateful that this RE does all of his own monitoring. That is nice since I always have questions.<br />
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So that's it. Day 1 of shots and I start Dexamethasone tonight. But luckily I just swallow that. Easy. Wish me luck!One Who Understandshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16910813050360555172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6478423693110548044.post-9237982360256832572015-10-22T09:17:00.003-07:002015-10-22T09:17:31.587-07:00And so it begins...I talked to me coordinator on Tuesday and IVF #2 is underway. My new RE does not do BCP to start a cycle. I will start estadiol tablets on 11/14/15 and that will be the start of the meds for this cycle. I've only done 3 cycles (one fresh and two FET) but all three times I have taken BCP. The nurse said that just isn't the way this RE does things. I'm a little relieved. didn't have any issues with BCP but to not have one more thing to take is nice. Plus it also means I won't be on BCP for 6 weeks like I was anticipating.<br />
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We have a lot going on in the next two months! Little Miss will turn 3!! (Where has the time gone!?!) We also have Halloween, Thanksgiving and then Christmas. My brother and his family will be coming to stay with us for 10 days around Christmas, which will be fun! So here's to hoping they will be a great distraction during the TWW.<br />
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It still feels a little surreal that we are in this place again. It has been almost 6 years since our first IVF. It's crazy to think it has been that long. I'm excited to be back in the ring fighting the good fight. Here's to hoping this cycle is different and ends with a healthy baby. Oh and no OHSS!<br />
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<br />One Who Understandshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16910813050360555172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6478423693110548044.post-13218648215903314162015-10-16T13:26:00.002-07:002015-11-02T18:49:20.179-08:00All systems goI heard back from my RE yesterday that DH does not have a chromosome issue. That's wonderful news! He said he was ready to move forward when we were. I wrote back and told him we were ready. He then sent me a tentative calendar that looks a little something like this...<br />
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<table class="calender-container calendar_table" style="background-color: white; border-collapse: collapse; border-spacing: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: black; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; padding: 10px; width: 100%px;"><tbody style="box-sizing: border-box;">
<tr style="box-sizing: border-box;"><td colspan="2" id="ext-gen1108" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">Take folic acid 800 mcg and one 80 mg aspirin by mouth daily.<br />
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Begin taking one estadiol 2 mg tablet by mouth in the AM and PM on: 11/14/15<br />
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Take estadiol twice daily until instructed to stop below.</td></tr>
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<tr style="box-sizing: border-box;"><td class="calendar_cell_1" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 10px; vertical-align: top; width: 100px;">Thu, 11/26/15 </td><td class="calendar_cell_2" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 10px; vertical-align: top;">Take last estradiol tablets in AM </td></tr>
<tr style="box-sizing: border-box;"><td class="calendar_cell_1" id="ext-gen1106" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 10px; vertical-align: top; width: 100px;">Fri, 11/27/15 </td><td class="calendar_cell_2" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 10px; vertical-align: top;"></td></tr>
<tr style="box-sizing: border-box;"><td class="calendar_cell_1" id="ext-gen1105" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 10px; vertical-align: top; width: 100px;">Sat, 11/28/15 </td><td class="calendar_cell_2" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 10px; vertical-align: top;"></td></tr>
<tr style="box-sizing: border-box;"><td class="calendar_cell_1" id="ext-gen1104" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 10px; vertical-align: top; width: 100px;">Sun, 11/29/15 </td><td class="calendar_cell_2" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 10px; vertical-align: top;"></td></tr>
<tr style="box-sizing: border-box;"><td class="calendar_cell_1" id="ext-gen1103" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 10px; vertical-align: top; width: 100px;">Mon, 11/30/15 </td><td class="calendar_cell_2" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 10px; vertical-align: top;">Office visit for ultrasound. If cleared by the office, begin taking Menopur 75 IU, two vials by intramuscular injection in the AM. Take two dexamethasone 0.5 mg tablets by mouth at bedtime. </td></tr>
<tr style="box-sizing: border-box;"><td class="calendar_cell_1" id="ext-gen1102" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 10px; vertical-align: top; width: 100px;">Tue, 12/01/15 </td><td class="calendar_cell_2" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 10px; vertical-align: top;">Take Menopur 75 IU, two vials by intramuscular injection in the AM. Take two dexamethasone 0.5 mg tablets by mouth at bedtime. </td></tr>
<tr style="box-sizing: border-box;"><td class="calendar_cell_1" id="ext-gen1101" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 10px; vertical-align: top; width: 100px;">Wed, 12/02/15 </td><td class="calendar_cell_2" id="ext-gen1077" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 10px; vertical-align: top;">Take Menopur 75 IU, two vials by intramuscular injection in the AM. Take two dexamethasone 0.5 mg tablets by mouth at bedtime. </td></tr>
<tr style="box-sizing: border-box;"><td class="calendar_cell_1" id="ext-gen1100" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 10px; vertical-align: top; width: 100px;">Thu, 12/03/15 </td><td class="calendar_cell_2" id="ext-gen1078" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 10px; vertical-align: top;">Take Menopur 75 IU, two vials by intramuscular injection in the AM. Take two dexamethasone 0.5 mg tablets by mouth at bedtime. </td></tr>
<tr style="box-sizing: border-box;"><td class="calendar_cell_1" id="ext-gen1099" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 10px; vertical-align: top; width: 100px;">Fri, 12/04/15 </td><td class="calendar_cell_2" id="ext-gen1079" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 10px; vertical-align: top;">Take Menopur 75 IU, two vials by intramuscular injection in the AM. Take two dexamethasone 0.5 mg tablets by mouth at bedtime. </td></tr>
<tr style="box-sizing: border-box;"><td class="calendar_cell_1" id="ext-gen1098" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 10px; vertical-align: top; width: 100px;">Sat, 12/05/15 </td><td class="calendar_cell_2" id="ext-gen1080" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 10px; vertical-align: top;">Begin taking Ganirelix 0.25 mg by subcutaneous injection in the AM. Take Menopur 75 IU, two vials by intramuscular injection in the AM. Take two dexamethasone 0.5 mg tablets by mouth at bedtime. </td></tr>
<tr style="box-sizing: border-box;"><td class="calendar_cell_1" id="ext-gen1097" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 10px; vertical-align: top; width: 100px;">Sun, 12/06/15 </td><td class="calendar_cell_2" id="ext-gen1081" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 10px; vertical-align: top;">Take Ganirelix 0.25 mg by subcutaneous injection in the AM. Take Menopur 75 IU, two vials by intramuscular injection in the AM. Take two dexamethasone 0.5 mg tablets by mouth at bedtime. </td></tr>
<tr style="box-sizing: border-box;"><td class="calendar_cell_1" id="ext-gen1096" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 10px; vertical-align: top; width: 100px;">Mon, 12/07/15 </td><td class="calendar_cell_2" id="ext-gen1082" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 10px; vertical-align: top;">Office visit for ultrasound. Take Ganirelix 0.25 mg by subcutaneous injection in the AM. Bring three vials of Repronex 75 IU with you to the office. Take two dexamethasone 0.5 mg tablets by mouth at bedtime. </td></tr>
<tr style="box-sizing: border-box;"><td class="calendar_cell_1" id="ext-gen1095" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 10px; vertical-align: top; width: 100px;">Tue, 12/08/15 </td><td class="calendar_cell_2" id="ext-gen1083" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 10px; vertical-align: top;"></td></tr>
<tr style="box-sizing: border-box;"><td class="calendar_cell_1" id="ext-gen1094" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 10px; vertical-align: top; width: 100px;">Wed, 12/09/15 </td><td class="calendar_cell_2" id="ext-gen1084" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 10px; vertical-align: top;"></td></tr>
<tr style="box-sizing: border-box;"><td class="calendar_cell_1" id="ext-gen1093" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 10px; vertical-align: top; width: 100px;">Thu, 12/10/15 </td><td class="calendar_cell_2" id="ext-gen1085" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 10px; vertical-align: top;">Anticipate egg harvest today or within the next three days. </td></tr>
<tr style="box-sizing: border-box;"><td class="calendar_cell_1" id="ext-gen1092" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 10px; vertical-align: top; width: 100px;">Fri, 12/11/15 </td><td class="calendar_cell_2" id="ext-gen1086" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 10px; vertical-align: top;"></td></tr>
<tr style="box-sizing: border-box;"><td class="calendar_cell_1" id="ext-gen1091" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 10px; vertical-align: top; width: 100px;">Sat, 12/12/15 </td><td class="calendar_cell_2" id="ext-gen1087" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 10px; vertical-align: top;"></td></tr>
<tr style="box-sizing: border-box;"><td class="calendar_cell_1" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 10px; vertical-align: top; width: 100px;">Sun, 12/13/15 </td><td class="calendar_cell_2" id="ext-gen1088" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 10px; vertical-align: top;"></td></tr>
<tr style="box-sizing: border-box;"><td class="calendar_cell_1" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 10px; vertical-align: top; width: 100px;">Mon, 12/14/15 </td><td class="calendar_cell_2" id="ext-gen1089" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 10px; vertical-align: top;"></td></tr>
<tr style="box-sizing: border-box;"><td class="calendar_cell_1" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 10px; vertical-align: top; width: 100px;">Tue, 12/15/15 </td><td class="calendar_cell_2" id="ext-gen1090" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 10px; vertical-align: top;">Anticipate embryo transfer today or within the next three days. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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It scared me a bit! I mean I sat there and looked at his plan and thought, "ohmygosh! Are we really going to do this again?!?!?" This time will include new meds I did not use in IVF #1, Menopur, dexamethasone, ganirelix, and Repronex. Any of you ladies have any experience with any of them? We have been out of the fertility office for 5 years, so I'm sure these are meds that have taken over and hopefully proven to be more effective than what we used for round 1. It scares me that I will know by Christmas if it worked. So it will either be a great celebration or a devastating blow. It makes pulling the trigger to do it a little harder. But on the same note, I want to get it done before 2016. (Since our deductible will be applied to the new year.)<br />
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AF is due any day now... So I need to call and get my BCP ordered. Big decisions are so not my thing. Actually decisions are hard for me in general. This one is a hard one to make and carries so much risk emotionally, financially and physically. Wish me luck!!One Who Understandshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16910813050360555172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6478423693110548044.post-60501498797804432762015-09-29T19:17:00.001-07:002015-09-29T19:17:41.789-07:00HysterosonogramI guess I should start with my consult with the new doctor. It went very well. He has one of the top clinics in the country and is based out of a city a few hrs from here. He opened this new office to help women in our local area have access to better care than the other clinic that is in town. I felt very at peace with him and his ability to help us have another baby. I told him they found a fibroid at the clinic up north and he did an US to check it out. He did find a little something but compared to what the other clinic found it looked like it had gone away. It was a large black spot before and this time it was all white shaded like any other part of my uterus on the screen. He wanted me to do a hysterosonogram to be sure nothing was protruding and interfering with my lining. He also wanted to have DH do a chromosomal test to check for Y chromosome deletion. So we will see what that revels, since all other tests have been normal and there seems to be no cause for his infertility.<br />
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Today was my appt for the hysterosonogram and it went fine. An MD came in to place the catheter and fill my uterus with saline. It was nice because he was able to tell me exactly what he saw where a US tech I know cannot. He said everything looked perfect and normal. He will be sending the results to my RE and we will see if he wants to do something else to check the possible spot he saw on the US. He has mentioned possibly doing an MRI. I'm not sure. The procedure went smoothly and wasn't painful. The catheter went in smoothly and it wasn't painful. I have had some mild cramping all day but other than that no complaints.<br />
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It is strange to be at this point again. I really thought our fertility treatment days were behind us. I was ready to dive headfirst into another adoption journey. And we had, until it all fell apart. It is interesting to me how many women in the IF world pick a route and only go down that road. Meaning if they pursue adoption and are successful they do another and another until their family is complete. And even on the IVF route, women do it over and over until they are done building their families. I know a few people who have both adopted and IVF babies but it seems more seem to stick to one road or another. And I know some can only adopt. For me it was just the path we were successful with and I wanted to do what worked again. And I really didn't want Little Miss to be our only adopted child. I didn't want her to feel she was different. And maybe that's the same feeling a lot of families have.<br />
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For now I feel really good about going down the IVF road again. I actually feel really calm and at peace about it all. Which for me is a big thing since I am an avid worrier. I could have a gold medal in worrying. So here we go folks. Lets hope this roller coaster isn't as bad as the last one and that at the end there is a healthy baby!One Who Understandshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16910813050360555172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6478423693110548044.post-16275629085318900702015-09-20T07:50:00.001-07:002015-09-20T11:15:26.675-07:00GratefulI have been going back and forth a lot lately about the decision we made to not continue with our latest expectant mom. There are times I have thought maybe I could have dealt with her keeping the baby for a month... Maybe I could have convinced her to come here part of the time... Maybe I missed the boat big time on this one. Her due date was Tuesday. That day DH also had to leave for emergency work out of town and still isn't back. (There are some major fires going on in our dry state so his company has to access the damage.) I just felt weepy part of the day. Then Thursday I felt really down. I hadn't slept well the days prior with DH gone and AF was coming to town. It made for a rough day. Little Miss was all I had to keep my spirits up. I had a good cry and felt better the next day.<br />
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We are still friends on FB so I was wondering if/when she was going to post something about the baby. Given she was still planning on placing her, last we talked, I thought she might not post anything because I know she was going to hide the adoption from the birth father. (I know major red flag for an adoption.) So last night I got on FB and I had a notification she had posted 2 new photos. Sure enough she had baby girl Thursday. And guess what... She won't be placing her.<br />
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In that moment I felt complete gratitude for a loving Heavenly Father who has a plan for us and that He helped me make the right choice and let go of this match 4 weeks ago. I could feel in my heart that this was not going to end the way we wanted it to and that even if she did end up placing with us after keeping baby for 2-4 weeks I would be a mess the whole time. Even after placement I would constantly wonder if she was going to take her back. Until TPR is signed and the waiting period has passed anything can happen. I am thankful I did not have to be there in the delivery room and witness this sweet baby entering the world. I know I would've fallen for her in an instant. I'm thankful Little Miss never got to meet her. I thankful we didn't have to have this all come crashing down after she was born. It was hard to let go at 36 weeks in her pregnancy. We had been with her since week 13 but it was 137x easier to let go then vs trying to now.<br />
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I feel validated in our decision. I was to scream from the roof tops "I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN!!!" and "SEE I TOLD YOU SHE WOULDN'T PLACE!!" but alas I will keep my mouth shut. Outside of myself and DH only my mom and one close friend know. I will tell others as they ask. A lot of people don't even know the adoption fell through, so I still have people asking if we are expecting her any day now. I really want to talk to her and find out when she changed her mind. I will never know, but from what I gather it seems like it happened after she gave birth. She may have been wavering in the final days but I think she held that baby in her arms and knew she couldn't let her go. Her FB post hinted at that. Although most of her FB friends had no idea she was PG, once again given she was planning on placing and hiding it from BF.<br />
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Part of me still hopes she will change her mind down the road. Her situation is so much worse than most. And this poor little innocent baby is in for a hard ride. She has no support and will be kicked out of the home she is currently a fo.ster chi.ld in. Back when she changed her mind the first time she had ONE friend who said she would take her and the baby in for a few months until she could get on her feet. Then that friend backed out a week later. When we talked about it when she came to visit I asked her what she would've done had she kept the baby, been homeless, she said she didn't want to think about it and we changed the subject. Those who are single moms know how hard being a single mom is. Even if you have a great support system all the responsibility falls on your shoulders. My heart just breaks for her and baby girl as I can see the cards are stacked against them. I know motherhood puts a fire under you like nothing else, so maybe that will be enough for her to do everything she needs to to get her life together. But so much of what she is facing is out of her control, and that is the part I worry about the most.<br />
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I'm grateful for the closure this brings me. And now I can move on and hope for success in the future. I have an appt with the new IVF clinic in town on Wednesday. I hope it will be great and I will feel like this is the right option for us. After going to the info meeting at the adoption agency I didn't feel that was the right path of us, at least not right now, so I was left feeling stuck and lost. So I'm hopeful maybe doing IVF again is what we are supposed to do.<br />
<br />One Who Understandshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16910813050360555172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6478423693110548044.post-35546271481805189072015-09-04T14:35:00.000-07:002015-09-04T14:35:00.383-07:00Let's get the ball rolling againSince we are now back at square one with baby #2 we figured, let's get things rolling and start the adoption process for real with an agency. Oh and we might as well use those last <a href="http://onewhounderstands.blogspot.com/2010/03/fert-report.html" target="_blank">3 Day 1 2PN</a> embryos from IVF #1. So I have a consult appt set up with the old clinic for October 15th. <div>
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The adoption path looks a little something like this from here; Step 1 ~ We have a free information meeting this coming Tuesday to get info on the agency. Then we have to pay a $25 application fee and a $500 enrollment fee to get the ball rolling. Step 2 ~ Get our classes set up and pay around $3k for them. They only hold them once a quarter and the next ones are the first three Saturdays in November. Which doesn't work since one falls on Little Miss' 3rd birthday. And they run from 9-1 so 4 hrs. It looks like we will have to wait a few months to get those set up. Step 3 ~ Home Study and lots of personal questions no one really wants to tell a perfect stranger (or even a close friend ie. how often do you and your partner have intercourse?) need to be answered. Those fees will run us about $8500. After that is all completed we will officially be a waiting family. I have a play date set up with a friend who adopted their DD from the same agency Saturday. I'm going to ask her about BM fees and other things that may not be included in the fees mentioned above. Once placement occurs there is a $5k finalization fee. So all together we are looking at around $17k or a little less to go this route. </div>
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The FET path looks a little something like this: Step 1 ~ Consultation with RE. Step 2 ~ Blood work. Step 3 ~ Prep for transfer. Step 4 ~ Transfer. We have insurance coverage for some of the costs and back 5 years ago when we were on the IVF roller coaster a FET with our office was around $1.5k. Since we do have a deductible we will end up paying for most of the fees before anything is covered. But this is obviously a much cheaper option!</div>
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I swore after the horror or IVF #1 I would never go back to this office. But since we moved back to our home town and the office is less than 3 miles from our new home I figured I might as well give the last 3 embryos a try. The good news is since we did IVF #1 another IVF clinic has opened in our hometown. So if we decide to possibly move on to IVF #2 we have options. I don't think with all the anxiety I feel over doing another cycle I could emotionally handle traveling 3-4 hrs to the other clinics that are in the state of CA to do a cycle with them. I'm not super hopeful about these little 3 embryos amounting to a real live baby, but I don't feel right leaving them in cold storage forever or destroying them when it took <a href="http://onewhounderstands.blogspot.com/2010_03_01_archive.html" target="_blank">SOOOO</a> much to create them. But this clinic better not try to do a full work up on me and DH when I have zero intention of cycling with them again. Well with a fresh cycle that is. </div>
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I must admit I am a bit jaded after our recent adoption failure. I don't know that I have it in me to fail again. And I'm really scared that if we go that route we will fail again. I feel peace about that situation ending. I really feel it was right for us, but that doesn't mean it isn't hard. EM is due in 9 days. 9 days!! It's hard not to think about what might have been had I just gone along with her plan... But then again I feel like she won't end us placing in the end anyway. It's so back and forth for me. I'm confused why that situation had to be part of our journey to baby #2. I guess we may never know why. All I know is I'm ready to make something happen so we are going to get all the info we can and then do what we can to bring another baby home. </div>
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To be continued...</div>
One Who Understandshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16910813050360555172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6478423693110548044.post-52073393710174051662015-08-24T11:45:00.002-07:002015-08-24T11:45:47.413-07:00The end...It all came to an end Friday night. I called to talk to expectant mom (EM) and she said she and her foster mom had decided she was going to BF for month and keep baby girl at foster mom's home. I told her she had to do what she thought was best and that is also what I had to do. And what is best for us is to sever ties with her at this point. I told her as a mom I cannot spend 30 days and nights away from a child that I was meant to parent.<br />
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It was a really hard decision. Actually, that's not true, the decision was easy, having to say it was hard. I know she feels betrayed and abandoned by us. I don't really know why since she is the one who changed the rules last minute but I know she feels those feelings and to her they are real. I feel betrayed and sad. Sad for baby girl who doesn't have a say and who will most likely be kept by a BM who is not ready to parent. I feel sad that her foster mom hasn't helped lead her in a more positive direction. When we adopted Little Miss, M's mom was such a positive influence and really supported M. She told her things she thought she should and shouldn't do to make the process easier. She let M decide what she did and didn't want to do but really having a mom who has given birth and raised children she knows the bond that is present between mom and baby and what will make placing a baby for adoption more difficult. I was so so so thankful for her.<br />
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DH still thinks EM will come around and realize she has made a mistake. I'm not so sure she will. And even if she does I'm not sure I want to continue on this roller coaster. It was so strange when we talked Friday night. The only thing she said the whole time was "ok". It was like she had no emotional attachment to us being the parents of her child. She didn't show remorse or sadness that we were saying we could no longer continue down this path with her. Maybe that is another red flag. Or maybe she just didn't known what to say. I really feel like after we talked on Wednesday and I told her it wasn't going to work for our family she knew it was over and decided she didn't want to place with us. I think that's why the time range went for 2 weeks to a month. She said she still plans on placing... I guess she will have to contact an agency and see if they will work with her. I really feel she will not place in the end. I don't know how any mom could preform all "mom duties" for a month and still relinquish rights in the end. And another obstacle she will face is she wants a VERY open adoption. We already have that with M, so for us that was no big deal but I know a ton of adoptive families that only want phone calls, pictures and letters back and forth.<br />
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A big part of my heart feels relief. There were things about this situation that were hard, a lot of things. So I have to believe that this is the Lord's way of protecting me from more heartache had we continued with her. Now we are in limbo again... Gosh how I hate this part. Thank goodness for our AMAZING daughter who fills our hearts with joy! She is my constant reminder that no matter what the battle it is so worth it! </div>
One Who Understandshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16910813050360555172noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6478423693110548044.post-47293429078568685162015-08-20T15:47:00.002-07:002015-08-20T15:47:34.358-07:00Beyond the limitsSo I don't really know what to title this post. Adoption is so hard for so many reasons. One of the big ones is that until TPR has been signed you feel like all the cards are in the BM's hands. You feel like you have to bend to her will so that she is comfortable and sees you are willing to include her wishes when caring for her child. But really my friends, why do we let this happen? We as adoptive parents have a say too and when we feel something is beyond what we can handle we need to speak up. Que our current situation.<br />
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So I called to talk to our expectant mom Sunday and talked to her foster mom first for a min. EM has been insisting on breast feeding baby girl. I really think it is a bad idea but realize it is important to her so I figured if she wanted to BF in the hospital we would be ok with that. Then she mentioned she wanted to BF for a "little bit" after baby was born. Um... ok. We talked about her coming home with us for "a few days" post birth. So anyway, back to Sunday night. Her foster mom brought up the BF thing and said I really needed to "let her fulfill her teenage fantasy" and let her BF for a bit after the delivery, and that she thought BM should take the baby home for 2 WEEKS to BF and then she would give her to us. WHAT?!?!?! But we could come visit her whenever we want so not to worry. OMG!! I about lost it! Lucky for her I am not a blurt out what is in my head kind of girl so I decided to think and pray about it before discussing it with BM.<br />
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I knew this was going to be a situation I could not deal with. As adoptive parents we are asked to take on a child just like we would had we given birth to that child. There is no difference in the love we feel for them or the bond. And tell me what mom would let another mom take her baby for two weeks to BF, no matter how often she could visit, none of them would! I would be a wreck for two weeks. Not knowing how she was doing all the time, if BM was bonding too much and likely to change her mind, if all her needs were being met. I would totally not be able to function. And I have Little Miss at home who I NEED to function for. She needs me and is my #1 priority.<br />
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So last night I called to talk to BM and she brought up the BF subject. She was actually quite excited about her and her foster mom's "plan" to keep baby girl for two weeks. After that she thought she could pump and continue to give her milk. I let her finish and then said this is not going to work for us. I told her it would break my heart for her to keep her for two weeks. I said DH only gets two weeks off work for bonding and her to be somewhere else wouldn't work. I think I said, this just won't work for our family and I'm really sorry like 67 times. She was speechless and really didn't know what to say. She said that we would work it out but really for me this is a deal breaker. If she can't come to our side we will probably be pulling out on this situation. I feel bad about it, she is 34.5 weeks prego now. But I have to do what is right for my family. I told her we loved her and just needed to do what was best for us. I'm still not sure what the outcome will be but I am glad I could stand up for myself and our family.<br />
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I really feel this is WAY beyond what should be requested of an adoptive family. Now had she contacted us after the birth of baby girl and had been ready to place then, it would be a different story. And I believe that if she still hopes to place that is what she will have to do if she decides to stick with keeping baby girl for 2 weeks. I don't even know of an agency that would think this was a good idea. I know it will make it a million times harder for her to stick to her plan. But really the bottom line is that as the mother of that child, or perspective mother, I cannot allow her to be cared for by anyone but myself for any amount of time post birth. Or days I should say.<br />
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Adoption is hard. IF is hard. This all just stinks. Please keep us in your prayers if you are the praying type...One Who Understandshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16910813050360555172noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6478423693110548044.post-5252970016657462782015-07-28T10:13:00.002-07:002015-07-28T10:13:17.927-07:00Back on trackWell it has been a stressful few weeks as BM has been thinking over her decision. We have prayed and fasted a lot. The greatest blessing is I have really felt peace this whole time. I was so sad for BM and baby girl when she was thinking about keeping her, but I know it is 100% her right to do so. And as hard as it was to see her consider that choice, I'm grateful she did because in the end she decided to stick to her adoption plan. And now her faith in what she is doing is firm.<br />
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She came to stay with us this weekend and we had a wonderful time. I know her seeing us interact with Little Miss and as a couple helped her see what a loving family can look like. It was wonderful to talk to her and get to know more about her. Her story is tragic and makes me so grateful for everything I have. I am thankful we can welcome her into our family and she will forever be part of our lives. She has a good head on her shoulders and my hope is that this is the turning point for her.<br />
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So if all continues to go well we should be a family of four in a little more than a month! Eek!! Time to bust out the baby gear once again!One Who Understandshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16910813050360555172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6478423693110548044.post-1368444218570086952015-07-06T08:59:00.001-07:002015-07-06T08:59:41.064-07:00Second ThoughtsIt's been a difficult few days. Our birth mom to be has been a little distant lately. We live about an hour south of her, so we text to keep in touch. The last couple weeks she hasn't been replying much and it has just felt different. On Friday I texted to say Little Miss' birth mom M wanted to reach out to her. She sent me a long message back saying she was having second thoughts about adoption and didn't realize she wold love this baby. My heart broke. She said she was only feeling anger and distance from the baby at first because of the birth father but recently she has really fallen in love with baby girl. <div>
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At first I was sad for our little family who most likely will not be getting another addition in September, but then the more I thought about it I am really just sad for her. She doesn't understand that birth moms place their babies out of LOVE. And extreme love at that! Birth moms put the needs of the child they love before their own. It made me sad that she didn't know that. We had talked a few times about how love drives the decision behind adoption, but maybe she didn't quite get it. </div>
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To say that she is going to be fighting an uphill battle if she does keep this baby is an understatement. I won't go into detail here. I will only say she is not living with her family and comes from a VERY rough background. She has had more hardships in her almost 18 years than most of us will ever have. I'm sad that she will be bringing an innocent child into such a situation. Even teen moms who live at home with two parents and full support from their family (emotional and physical) have hardships with raising a child, and she doesn't even have that. </div>
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I'm sorry I hope that didn't sound like I was calling her out. She has every right to keep her child. I just want so much more for her and bay girl. I was 30 when Little Miss was born. I had waited 9 years for her, was in a stable marriage, was able to stay home full time to take care of her, and I was still shocked by how demanding motherhood was. It is so rewarding and I am grateful every second, but it is hard. It takes everything you have physically and emotionally, especially in the beginning. It gets easier as the weeks and months pass but then each stage brings new challenges. I just worry about her. I want to help but really don't know how at this point.</div>
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I will continue to pray and hope she will find that love is what she needs to give baby girl more than what she can right now. If any of you are the praying type, will you join us in this journey. She still has about 10 weeks left in her pregnancy, so anything is possible. She didn't say that she had completely changed her mind, just that she was feeling overwhelmed and couldn't make the decision now. So there is still hope... </div>
One Who Understandshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16910813050360555172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6478423693110548044.post-52188117695444776342015-04-26T21:29:00.000-07:002015-05-19T21:44:19.497-07:00Here we go again!Life has been nothing short of crazy the last few weeks! We were living in one city and decided our rental was just too small for the three of us, so we started looking for another rental in a city about 20 miles to the east. We found a great house and moved in two weeks before our lease was up. Six days later DH got a job promotion in our hometown! (which is about 200 miles S of where we just moved to.) Luckily our new landlords were very understanding and allowed us to get out of our lease. So three weeks after we moved to our new rental we moved again! Insane! Especially with a two year old. And since we wanted to buy a home and really set down roots in our hometown we moved in with DH's parents until we found our forever home. The good news is that after living here for two weeks we found it and have been in escrow for a week!<br />
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But the really big news happened on March 23rd. I was laying in bed while Little Miss napped and a friend called to say she knew a teen mom who was looking to place her baby for adoption and she wanted to meet us! I was floored, but thought ok well I still need to talk to this birth mom before I get too wrapped up in this. Not more than 5 minuted later my phone rang and it was the birth mom!! We talked for a few minutes and decided we were a good match for what she was looking for in the family she wanted to place with. I told her we should meet and she agreed. Since we were in the middle of moving we set a time for the week after we moved. it was a long three week wait. The day of the meeting I felt 100% peace. We sat and talked for about an hour and learned a lot about her. She has a long heart wrenching past that I won't talk about here, but suffice it to say she is not in a position to raise a child and baby daddy isn't either. The amazing thing was that at her young age she recognizes this and really wants what's best for her baby. She is due at the beginning of September.<br />
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She didn't know what she was having when we met because she had a doctor that wasn't really concerned about her or the baby. But luckily the fried who initially called to tell me about her is a NP for a great doctor. And both my friend and the new doctor happen to be adoptive moms. So they will take good care of her and make sure the hospital is aware of the situation and adoption friendly.<br />
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She had her first meeting with the new OB and loved her. She also found out she is having a...<br />
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<b><span style="color: magenta; font-size: x-large;">GIRL!!! </span></b><br />
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We are beyond thrilled to add another little lady to our family and for Little Miss to have a little sister. I know we still have a LONG way to go before we have another baby in our home but we are keeping the faith that she will stick with her plan and place her baby. I'm trying to keep the negative voices out of my head and stay positive.<br />
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So it looks like 2015 will be one crazy awesome year for our little family!One Who Understandshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16910813050360555172noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6478423693110548044.post-67050766956361655552015-01-27T13:06:00.001-08:002015-01-27T13:06:39.053-08:00Adoption situationYesterday I was contacted by a friend who lives in the city we moved from. She has bio children and then they adopted their last child through the state much like we did with Little Miss. She was my guide while we went through our adoption process. She has kind of come to be known as the "adoption lady" in the area we lived in. So when she called yesterday, I was hopeful she was calling about a potential adoption situation, and she was!<br />
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So here's the scoop. Baby girl was born in September. BM and BF were together at the time but have since split and neither can do it on their own. The BM has other children who are also no longer in her care. (One of which is being adopted by another family we know.) They are considering placing baby girl. There have been a few families that have offered to take her but my friend put it perfectly when she said, "but really we are looking for her forever family. Not just a family who is willing to be her guardians for a while." So she thought of us and called to ask how I felt. So how do I feel about this???<br />
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Well first I feel excited there is a possibility of adding to our family again. I also feel a little strange because this baby will not be a newborn, and I never really pictured adding a child to our family that was more than a few weeks old. Will I love and be able to connect with her the way I was able to with Little Miss? I know that may sound totally selfish and strange, but this is my space and I want to be totally honest. I worry about the traumas she has already witnessed in her sort life on this earth. What kind of affect will that have on her? And then there is her birth family and all the loss that will be felt on their end and how will that relationship play out.<br />
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There is so much loss of control with IF, and then when you add in adoption even more loss of control, and now add in that the child will be a little older... I think letting go of control is what this trial has taught and continues to teach me. With Little Miss I did not get to control the environment she was grown in. But once she was born I was in charge of protecting her and keeping her from things that were harmful. With this little one she has had a lot happen in the few short months of her life. It breaks my heart. And it could still be many more months before the ball is rolling with a placement.<br />
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I'm so thankful for this space to voice my feelings and deepest thoughts about family building. As you can see this really is a maybe situation but I feel conflicted and want to be able to talk about it. Other than DH and the friend who called I don't have anyone to discuss it with. There is no plan in place yet, so I can't really talk about it with family or friends. I guess we will wait and see how things go. In the mean time we are still planning on cycling in the next few months, so unless something happens with this situation that is still our plan. It's crazy to think where life can sometimes take you.One Who Understandshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16910813050360555172noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6478423693110548044.post-58041089178779857002015-01-11T15:15:00.000-08:002015-01-16T06:59:42.105-08:00New Year and next stepsWe had our meetings with the Nurse Coordinator (NC) and the Financial Coordinator (FC) in November. They both were quick meetings. Both were supposed to take 1-2 hrs and we were in and out in 30 min. The NC appt was really just a review for me. Nothing new. The FC appt was new since we have never had coverage of IVF. The cycle still will cost us around $6k. And that's with our insurance covering $7k. That cost does include meds and such. It does not include acupuncture, which I am hoping to try this time around. So add in another $1-2k for that. Yikes!<br />
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Our plan is to move forward with a cycle in the next few months. We are moving from our current rental sometime in March. I was kind of hoping to start with my January cycle, but then I would be cycling and moving. No woman needs that kind of stress! Plus my hope is our next home will be closer to the clinic making all those daily US and BW appts a lot easier. So maybe April... We decided to wait until the new year so we could meet our deductible and out-of-pocket max all at one time. No sense in starting a cycle in December and have to pay all of those costs again in January. And once those costs are met we will have 100% coverage for the rest of the year. (Not for the actual IVF but everything else.)<br />
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I am still really nervous about the whole thing. I have a 2 yr old I have to accommodate now and find a sitter and also try not to lose it with when I am crazy on hormones. How do you moms out there do it with a little one at home and cycling? Last time I remember feeling like I was pretty crazy and I don't want to be like that this time. Fingers crossed this cycle won't be as traumatic.<br />
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When I called the office way back in July it felt like an eternity to wait for our consult. Now here we are in January and the thought of cycling in the next few months makes me scared. We all know the "what if's" that come along with this process, so no need for me to hash that all out here. I'm just so lost in this space where we once again find ourselves. I feel blessed we can cycle again and hating the fact that we have to. Will I ever accept that this is my lot in life? Part of me feels that accepting that is releasing a part of me that holds out hope that one day I will just be pregnant. No shots, no ultrasounds, no checks written, just pregnant. It's time to let go... It's just so dang hard.<br />
<br />One Who Understandshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16910813050360555172noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6478423693110548044.post-46432022379421123292014-10-25T12:45:00.003-07:002014-10-25T14:12:10.089-07:00I love technologyModern day technology sure makes life fun. It is such a nice way to keep in touch with people all over the world. Ok, for me I mostly just keep up with people locally, let's be honest. There are times when FB has one too many pregnancy photos or announcements, but to be honest, I feel like the days of everyone getting prego are gone. Most of my friends are well past baby number 3 or 4, so many are done with the family growing stage. I'm still in my early 30's, but when friends start popping out babies in their early 20's, most are almost done by now. It's kind of nice. Sure Little Miss is the same age as some families 4 or 5 child, but I'm ok with that.<br />
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Anyway, the point of this post was to invite any of my readers who would like to keep up with our little family of 3 via Insta.gram to follow me on the site. My account is private, so you will have to request to follow. My account name is chaniraye. It is mostly pics of Little Miss, so for those who would prefer not to see a cute sassy 2 year old daily, I would suggest you just continue to follow our journey here and not on IG. My posts on IG are not related to IF just a fun way to document our sweet little girl and the fun stuff our family does. I have a few IF ladies I follow and it is so fun to see their adventures in motherhood. After all you ladies have been with me for a LONG time now. Some of you know more about our family than IRL friends do. It's how great trials bond the hearts of many together. And for most of us IF is the biggest hurdle we will have to overcome. So come see what our life is really like.One Who Understandshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16910813050360555172noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6478423693110548044.post-59988201052962137722014-10-21T12:09:00.001-07:002014-10-21T12:09:52.723-07:00First StepFriday we had our initial consult with the clinic here in our new city. It was a very through appointment. They have you feel out an extensive questionnaire online before your appointment and then our RE went over all of it with us. We talked a lot about <a href="http://onewhounderstands.blogspot.com/2010_02_01_archive.html" target="_blank">cycle #1</a> and <a href="http://onewhounderstands.blogspot.com/2010/03/ohss-will-be-death-of-me.html" target="_blank">OHSS</a>. I told the RE this time I CANNOT have that happen. I have an almost 2 year old at home, I can't be down in bed for 2.5 weeks. They have new protocols in place to help women who are sensitive like me. And they have different triggers than they did in 2010. And she said if I still have OHSS they can induce my period 4 days after retrieval, so that means only a few days of suffering. I felt good that this cycle wouldn't end like last cycle. Which was my #1 concern with doing IVF again.<br />
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After talking in her office for about 90 mins we went to an exam room where she did a physical exam and ultrasound. Physical exam went well. The ultrasound revealed a fibroid outside my uterus. I don't know anything about fibroids, other than what I have read on your blogs, so I don't know how long I've had it or if it will need to be removed before we cycle. They will do a <span style="color: #545454; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="line-height: 18.2000007629395px;"><a href="http://www.webmd.com/infertility-and-reproduction/guide/hysteroscopy-infertility" target="_blank">Hysteroscopy</a></span></span> and check the inside of my uterus before we cycle to determine if I will need to have surgery to remove it. I was really sad they found something wrong with my uterus. I guess it's good it isn't anything major. I was on cycle day 12 when we met and she was able to count lots of follicles and see the lead follicle and see I was about to ovulate. She said she guessed I would not have any issues with my AMH levels. (This is the hormone they now measure instead of FSH)<br />
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There are many things that make me feel good about this clinic. One of the big things is the RE's (there are 4 that rotate) will do <u>all</u> of the monitoring during my cycle. Last time I saw my RE at the consult and then egg retrieval. A NP reviewed all the labs and US's while I cycled. It felt very disconnected, so I'm happy this clinic is different. There are new procedures in place that will "hopefully" keep me from experiencing OHSS once again. There are lots of new things in place to make the cycle a success; Blast transfer, genetic screening on me and DH before cycling, vitrification of embryos instead of freezing, and more.<br />
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So the next step is to wait for the nurse coordinator to call and get us in to get the hysteroscopy set up and blood work for both of us. DH need to give his sample so we can see where his count is at now. We will also meet with the financial coordinator to see what all this will cost us. We are VERY blessed DH's new insurance will cove some of the costs. I'm guessing will will spend about $3-4K out of pocket. Which is a lot better than last time. We still have a few things to do before we actually cycle and if anything shows something unfavorable it will push us back even more. But here's to getting back on the horse! One Who Understandshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16910813050360555172noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6478423693110548044.post-70161410128872571462014-08-13T09:47:00.001-07:002014-08-13T09:47:11.383-07:00RescheduledSo I have had to reschedule our initial consult. Now we are set-up for October 17th. Yes, over two months away! Is that crazy or what?!?! DH has pointed out to me that really we are in no hurry to start the insanity again, and he is right. I want another baby so bad... but I am really dreading the whole IVF process. Last time was so hard and taxing physically and emotionally. I really had decided I didn't want to do it ever again. Then our miracle arrived and we had the opportunity to experience adoption. And let me tell you ladies, it was one of the most amazing and hardest times of my life. The pain of IVF, for me, had nothing on adoption. The difference being our adoption was successful so that at least made me think I could go through adoption again.<br />
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Bottom line is IF is a really hard trial. I am grateful for the opportunity to get to try for Baby #2 and I can't wait to see how he/she will join our family.One Who Understandshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16910813050360555172noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6478423693110548044.post-84760685877411702392014-07-18T11:48:00.003-07:002014-07-18T11:48:44.602-07:00Answered PrayersSometimes when we are on this long and hard journey to our children we feel alone. Like God has forgotten us and our prayers are going unanswered. I have felt this way often. I know what I want is a righteous desire so why aren't children coming to our family? I really felt this way a few months ago when we contacted a couple that was looking to place their little girl, due in July, for adoption. I posted about it <a href="http://onewhounderstands.blogspot.com/2014/03/my-heart-hurts.html" target="_blank">here</a>. Before we knew their decision my prayer to my Heavenly Father was, "please Lord just let them want to meet us. But Thy will be done." I thought if we just had a chance to meet them they would get to know us and possibly fall in love with us. Alas, my prayer was not answered and they told us we were not the right fit. It was hard not to feel rejected. I let it go and realized that baby girl was not meant to be ours. I have come to have a strong testimony that the children who come to our family, by whatever means, will be OURS. Ones who were always meant to be in our family. So knowing that made it a little easier to move on.<br />
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I had a feeling that for some reason they wouldn't place their baby. And I had also offered a prayer for that, that the Lord would protect our hearts from that heartache. About once a month or maybe every 6 weeks I would check the website they had up for applying couples to see if they had any news. It didn't change.<br />
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Well today I noticed they said baby girl came early in mid June and they were no longer accepting applications for families. No mention of what ended up happening. So I looked on FB since we had a mutual friend of a friend. Turns out they did change their minds and decided to parent. <br />
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I realized my prayer was answered. He kept me from a heartbreak I didn't need and maybe couldn't have handled at this point in our journey. I feel so blessed and feel my faith and hope renewed that He is aware of me. And He will never leave me alone. Even when prayers seem unanswered, that is not the case. He has a plan and it is far better than what we can even imagine. I am so grateful for that and that sometimes when I ask He says no.One Who Understandshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16910813050360555172noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6478423693110548044.post-7264346708187017132014-07-16T17:02:00.002-07:002014-07-16T17:02:26.956-07:00Putting on my big girl pantiesI finally called the clinic to set-up an appointment. I put it off for weeks and even as the phone rang I almost hung up. I finally reached the appointment line only to be told I had to leave a message and they would call me back on Monday, since I called on a Friday. Very anticlimactic. <div>
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They called back Monday morning. Little Miss was trying to grab the phone and talk to grandma, since in her mind that is the only person we ever talk to on the phone. It was a little funny since the lady who called was obviously a little annoyed I had a 20 month old being herself interrupting our call. I wanted to say, um hello, that's what happens when you call at YOUR convenience and not mine. I called you during nap time, you did not. So now you will have to have some patience lady! </div>
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Anyway, our initial consultation is set-up for August 20th at 3 pm. I'm a little nervous and excited. To be honest I'm not looking forward to cycling again. Anyone who has read my blog for a few years knows how <a href="http://onewhounderstands.blogspot.com/2010/03/ohss-will-be-death-of-me.html" target="_blank">IVF #1 ended</a> and probably understands why. I have to tell myself not all cycles end with OHSS and they have the records from my last cycle so this one is bound to be better. Oh please Lord let it be better. And with any luck it will end with a squishy baby in our arms. I tell myself it is one step at a time. We will meet with the RE and see how we feel. Maybe that will be the end of it. I really don't know. One step at a time. </div>
One Who Understandshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16910813050360555172noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6478423693110548044.post-38708142130979817342014-06-22T22:16:00.000-07:002014-06-22T22:16:58.086-07:00Inadequate So I'm having one of those "Man IF really Sucks" kind of days. An ex-friend who I am still friends with on FB just announced they are expecting baby #3. Her second daughter is just a few days younger than Little Miss. After seeing her cute little family announcing another little person will be joining their "team" I felt deflated. I don't know why pregnancy announcements still do this to me. Ok, that's a lie, I do know why. They are the reminder, that I don't need, that I am incapable of conceiving a child. They make me feel so inadequate.<br />
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So now boys and girls, it is time to make the big decision. Do we pursue another adoption or take our chances and give IVF one more try? Our home sold a little over a month ago, with that came the financial resources to make either option more than just a dream. I feel BEYOND blessed we are in this position... but at the same time I feel so much pressure to make the right decision. What if I choose IVF and it ends like IVF #1? What if I choose adoption and we have a BM who changes her mind? I know these are the realities of "baby making" for us. There is no escaping the what if's that come with IF. And today is one of those days when it just makes me a little angry. That may sound ungrateful but it's where I'm at today.<br />
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<br />One Who Understandshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16910813050360555172noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6478423693110548044.post-17301025260542035732014-05-14T15:23:00.002-07:002014-05-14T15:23:46.451-07:00It's true...I'm happy to report that making friends post-parenthood is a lot easier than making them without kids. I finally feel like I fit in! Well kind of. Being a SAHM my only social outlet is church. So I was a little concerned that maybe making friends would be hard and take a long time. Last time we moved to a new place it took well over a year maybe even two before I had friends I actually hung out with. It was rough, but I worked so I had ladies at work I socialized with, so I was fine. But now the only adult interaction I get is from DH. (Not complaining here ladies! I wouldn't trade life with Little Miss for my former life for even a second!) My concern was I was going to feel lonely and not really enjoy this new place if I didn't make friends and fast. Well the good news is I have a little mommy group I am hanging out with now. And it's wonderful! None of them have struggled to have kids, and obviously none have adopted, so we are not really alike in how we became moms, but I'm not going to let IF define me. It has for far too long. I am the one who has allowed it to do so and now I am saying enough! I'm sure some of the moms will think it's strange we have almost 11 years of marriage behind us and we are both in our 30's (DH's almost 40!) and our daughter isn't even 2, but who cares! When you move to a new place you are given the chance to start fresh so that is what I am going to do. IF will always be a part of my life. I am ready for baby #2 but have no clue how or when a second child will come to our family. IF doesn't go away just because I'm a mom. But it isn't the center of my world. That role has been taken over by a fun and sassy little 18 month old! Life is good!One Who Understandshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16910813050360555172noreply@blogger.com1