Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Well hello old friend

It's been months. Sorry for my lack of posting. I just haven't felt like I have had much to say in this space. Little Miss is 14 months old!! It is amazing and wonderful and tiring to have a toddler. She is amazing and I feel blessed every second of every day that I get to be her mommy. She is the light of my life!

As she approached her first birthday my thoughts turned to possibly giving her a sibling. It is funny, you go through all we do and the end goal is just to have one healthy baby. Well we have reached that end goal so it feels funny and even a little selfish to want more. I have really wrestled with this thought. I have laid awake at night and felt ungrateful that just down the hall I have a little miracle sleeping in her crib peacefully. I'm not sure if you ladies who are on the other side feel this. I feel like the world is saying, "really you spent all this time to just have a child, and now that you have her you want MORE?!?! How dare you!" Fertile people don't experience this, I'm sure. But alas I do want another baby. And if I'm being perfectly honest, which I try to be in this space, I really want that baby more for Little Miss than I do myself. Siblings are wonderful. I am the oldest of a large family and I love it. I can't imagine one day of my life without my sibs. I can't imagine a life for LM that didn't include at least one little brother/sister to love. So where does that leave us?

DH and I have discussed possibly pursuing another adoption, like the normal way most people do. Since we were BEYOND blessed that LM's adoption situation just fell in our laps. Then there is the IVF #2 option... DH was recently blessed with a great job and just moved to a permanent position with benefits that will cover part of one cycle. There are also the 3 little embryos we have on ice back at our old clinic. (Which I doubt will amount to much given our history with the embryos from dreaded IVF #1)

So those are our options. I have been praying and pondering what direction we should go. Each one carries ricks and possible heartache. But the wonderful thing about this time around is my arms will not be empty at the end. I am already someone's mommy and if she is the only child who calls me mom I will consider myself blessed beyond measure.