Friday, April 30, 2010

What IF....

When Mel posted the What IF Project I thought it would be really easy for me to write about the fear I have of NEVER seeing those two pink lines. That is what my original What IF was all about. I mean isn’t that something most of us fear, that it will never work… Then something changed, I know it is not if I will see them but when. So my original pick for the What IF was thrown out the window by the knowledge I now have that I will be a mom. I am still on cloud nine and feel more positive about this cycle every day, so I wanted to choose a What IF that was a little more positive and that, if it was a reality, would make this whole journey so much easier. So this is my new What IF…

What if every state passed a law that would require insurance companies to cover fertility treatments and A.R.T. so that people like me and my husband wouldn’t have to choose between their mortgage or having a family (from Melissa G)?

IF the above What IF happened, we would be able to have the family we have always dreamed of. When DH lost his job in February of ’09 we were in a very difficult situation. We had been saving all we could for IVF while still paying a ridiculously high mortgage. We decided to let go of our house instead of using our savings to pay the mortgage for 6 months. It was an agonizing decision. In the end it worked out wonderfully. (We purchased another home in this down market that is twice the size and ½ the cost of our first before our credit was ruined forever. Now our mortgage can be paid on one income.) But the point is what would have happened if our insurance covered IVF and we never had to make that decision.

I know for sure that if we had coverage for IVF we would have done it a lot sooner. We more than likely would be parents by now, and we could continue to build our family through the miracle of A.R.T. We live in Cali and some things are covered by our insurance. My ultrasounds and blood work were covered, as was my medication. I still had to pay the RE his fee and the hospital. So we paid over $10,000 out of pocket, which is not as much as most. I just wonder what it would be like if every family experiencing IF had the opportunity to pursue treatment if that is what they wanted to do. There will still be those that will opt to adopt and certainly even if insurance does cover treatment it’s no walk in the park. Certainly my OHSS was severe enough to scare me. So I do not think that IUI or IVF would be for every infertile couple.

I believe that if it was covered, infertility would not be so taboo. Maybe seeking treatment would be more openly discussed among friends, if it was seen for what it is a medical condition and not something brought on from bad luck or bad decisions. Maybe we could seek treatment earlier. I loved what Mel said in her talk on the Hill, “If the children are indeed America’s future, we’ll do more to ensure that they get here.” I hope to see this What IF become a reality in my lifetime.

Please check out this link for some basics on infertility: And this one to learn more about National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW):
And now for my What IF's....

What IF I end up with what I have always wanted and it all makes sense in the end?
What IF this journey changes me for the better?
What IF I can help just one person by sharing my story?
What IF my marriage is strengthened because of this journey?
What IF I am a better parent because I had to work so hard to get my children here?
What IF…

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Not quite sure why...

I am so happy today! I just have this smile on my face and feel like I am walking on a cloud! Now, this could change in an instant, but for this moment I am happy. I really feel like things are going well in my uterus. I feel like we have a little one, or two, growing and making their home for the next 37ish weeks. I may be totally wrong, but I cannot deny this feeling I have growing in my heart. I thank my Heavenly Father for this blessing!

I have been really mixed on the outcome the last week. I have been scared and nervous and feeling like maybe it didn't work... Then we had this amazing spiritual uplifting weekend and the good feelings are sticking around. I am so grateful.

Some have asked if I will be testing before my beta on Monday. I think I may POAS on Saturday or Sunday morning. I haven't really felt the urge, not quite sure why. We shall see what the early morning hours of this weekend bring.

I am going to join the "What IF" conversation Mel is having, but I have had a hard time thinking about the negative the past few days. I do not want to pass up the opportunity to recognize National Infertility Awareness Week, so I think I will see what I can come up with in the next few days.

To all my IF sisters, much love and happiness from this IF lady to you! Life is good!

Monday, April 26, 2010

Tears, tears, tears...

I have been a big crying mess the last few days. Holly moley I hope this is a good sign. I know it is still too early to really tell one way or the other. I'm sure all the tears are due to the hormones I am forcing into my body. Good times. I actually feel better today than I did last week. Today is 7dp3dt. I don't know that that is a good sign. I am trying really had not to freak out and realize that what will be will be. Good or bad. Easier said than done, I know.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010


I have waited so long to type that kind of title. I was so excited on Monday to finally have the opportunity to have embryos in my uterus! Let me recap the day for you.

Transfer was set to begin at noon. I was instructed to be at the hospital by 10:30 am. My mom was taking me and we got there a little bit before 10:30. While I was checking in with the receptionist, the phone rang. She had just started writing my name and I was a but annoyed that she didn't finish before answering the phone. "I am checking her in right now," she said. She got off the phone and told me they were running ahead of schedule and were ready for me. She had the one of the ladies check me in right away, even though there were like 10 people in front of me. We checked in and went up the elevator. We sat out in the waiting are for about 5 min and a nurse came out to take us back. She took my bp 134/105, whoops I guess I was a little nervous. I promised it was never that high. She said she would check it again later.

We went to my little holding room and I changed and got ready. The nurse came in with some bottled water and told me to start drinking. I reassured her I would not need very much, my bladder is the size of an acorn, I don't think she believed me. Then the OR nurse came in and my RE not much later. He told me we had 2 out of 3 embryos to transfer and that one had not survived. He said one was perfect and the other a little slower growing. My mom was quite concerned that one was slow growing, I told her not to worry that what would be would be.

They came to wheel me in a little after 11:15. They moved me over to the nifty IVF bed and got me into position. My RE slid some leg warmers on my feet and the nurse placed them into the "this-is-not-a-joke-don't-move" stirrup. Then they pulled my gown back to my naval. I had no clue I would be so exposed. I guess I should have figured since they have to do an external u/s. Luckily having to pee occupied all my thoughts. My RE got me prepped and ready while the other RE, the one I have never met because he only does IUI's, held the wand in position. They made sure the catheter was in the right place and then removed it and stuck it back in with the embryos. The RE holding the u/s turned the monitor so I could see the white spot that was located in the center of my lining. "And that's them right there," he said. I was amazed. I had real live things inside me. Then my RE emptied my bladder with a catheter. I was in heaven at that point. Embryos in, pee out! The nurse checked my bp again 90/70, perfect.

I laid in the OR for 15 min and was then transferred to another bed and taken to the recovery room. (All of the IVF's are performed at the hospital next to the RE's office, but they hold all the IVF patients in a separate area. Which is nice.) I stayed in the 45* angle with my feet above my head for an hour and then they slowly transitioned me to sitting up. I felt so incredible after it was all done. I still feel pretty great!

Bed rest the last 48 hrs has not been very fun. It is hard to stay in bed with your hips propped up. I am glad that part is over. Now begins the wait until my beta on May 3rd. I do have 2 pee sticks in the house and I'm sure I will use one before then.

Monday, April 19, 2010


Everything went great today. We had 2 embryos survive the thaw. One perfect and one slow growing. Both are now resting nicely in what will be their new home for the next 9 months!

The transfer was pretty uncomfortable. I was pretty positive my bladder was going to leak all over our RE. Luckily I was able to keep it all in. The RE graciously emptied it for me when we were done. I am on cloud nine thinking about these little things growing in me. I will update more later.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Bed rest

I need some advice, after an ET how long should you be on bed rest? My RE recommends at least 24 hrs. I was thinking more along the lines of 48 hrs. We are doing a 3dt so I think I need longer than a 5dt. I don't know. I want to be as careful as possible. I think most of us would stay in bed a week if we knew we would get a BFP at the end of a cycle. So ladies, what did you do?

On another note I cannot stop smiling. That was my FB status update today. I am so ready to do this. It is going to work! I love happy thoughts!

Thursday, April 15, 2010

All systems are go!

I woke up feeling really great today. No real reason, I just knew it would be a great day. I went in the RE's office expecting this my first u/s and I would need to come back on Monday. Apparently my body is amazing right now and my ute knows just what to do because my transfer is set for MONDAY!!! My lining is at 8.8 and has a beautiful 3-layer look. I guess that is what they want. So no more u/s or blood work. Which is nice because the lab lady jacked my are a bit today. DH is a bit worried since he told his work at the earliest it would be the 22nd. I told him sorry but all systems are go! Now I am just praying our 3 little embies un-freeze perfectly and 2 look as perfect as they did the day they were frozen.

I am so happy!!

Monday, April 12, 2010

Happy 101

I have been very happy lately. I think the final little ailments from the OHSS are FINALLY gone and I am starting to feel like me again! (YEAH!) So this post really fits in well.

I was given the Happy Blog Award by Rebecca at The road less traveled. If you don't know her, you should! She is a beautiful blogger and a great support during times of so much pain. I am so grateful for her friendship.

The rules: List 10 things that make your day & then give this award to 10 bloggers.

1. Having a partner in all of this that I truly love and adore and who has been my rock.

2.Not having side effects from the hormones I am currently putting in my body.

3. Having bloggy friends who are the only ones, other than DH, who know "the whole story". And who have supported me through all of this crap.

4. Knowing that I am not alone in the land of IF.

5. Good chocolate leftover from Easter.

6. Yummy local honey bought at a Farmer's Market.

7. Having a beautiful place to come home to at the end of the day.

8. Planning DH's 35th birthday surprise. (Even of it was spoiled a bit today.)

9. A wonderful loving and supportive family and great friends.

10. Knowing there is a plan for all of us and feeling at peace with that.

The 10 bloggers that I’d like to pass this award on to…
4. R.J.
7. Jem
8. Tracey
10. Sarah

These are amazing ladies and I am so thankful for them.

I go back to the RE Thursday. I am hoping my body is still doing what it needs to.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Seeing blue

Today was the first day I could use the Estradoil the way it was intended, since AF left yesterday. (BTW this means sticking the tiny blue pill up inside my lady parts, for those that don't know.) I guess I didn't give another thought to the tiny blue pill until I went to take my first bathroom break a few hours later. I whipped and, "oh my heavens what is this blue junk!?!" Oh yeah, calm down, it is the aftermath of sticking a blue pill up my vajay-jay. Got it. Infertility, how fun you can be, making me see colors I thought I would never see on a sheet of TP. I felt like screaming out, "My discharge is blue!! It's blue!!" (think of Kate Hudson in "Bride Wars" when her new "wedding hair" is unveiled only to reveal the color was botched and she now has blue hair.) I'm sure some of you veterans out there are thinking well what did you think would happen sticking a blue pill up there? I guess I didn't think about it.

Tomorrow I start my patch. I wonder what adventures that will bring....

(By the way I am getting more pumped about this cycle. I cam to the conclusion that thinking the worst will not make it any easier when the worst happens. So why not be positive and think the best?!)

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

First appt

I had my first appointment yesterday for my FET. It went smoothly. Everything looks good. I asked about our embryos. IVF coordinator said we have 9 2pn (day 1 embies). I was like, "Um what about the other 8 they left out when we thought we would do a transfer. I know 5 were slow growing, but 3 were apparently great." Her response, "Oh well those often don't make it by the time we go to freeze. There is no report here that we froze any embryos. I can go check your file." Um, yes please do! Hello!! After what felt like an hour she comes back and says, "yep, you have 3 that were frozen and 5 slow growing that they discarded." Exactly as I thought. Way to give a girl a minor heat-attack. We knew about the 9, we want to use the 3 this time. I am hoping we can use the 9 for babies number 2+ (or 3+ if we get twins this first time. A girl can dream.)

I am trying really super hard to stay positive this time. This is going to work!! I keep telling myself this over and over. It will work. My body has responded beautifully to everything. It has started my menstrual cycle when needed, grown follicles, perfect uterine lining, etc. So I keep telling myself that our only issue is fertilization and now that we have passed that hurdle I will get pregnant. Once those embryos are in they will implant and everything will go according to plan. Like I said, a girl can dream right...

(PS We are looking at a transfer date of April 20-24)