Monday, May 24, 2010


Today is our 7 year wedding anniversary. All I can say is time has flown by! I feel so blessed to have married my best friend. I have enjoyed the last 7 years immensely. This journey through IF has not been easy, but it has been bearable with DH by my side. I hope this will be our last anniversary as a family of 2.

Thursday, May 20, 2010


I am feeling better. Thank you for all of your love. This IF journey is just hard sometimes. Ok, maybe ALL the time! I had a bloggy friend who got a BFN after her IVF today and my heart broke for her. All the feelings of disappointment and failure flooded back in. If you have a second, go over and support Mrs. A.

I guess part of the reason I am so on edge about this next FET, which still isn't officially scheduled by the way, is that if this doesn't work we are done for a while. We cannot afford another fresh cycle, and it will be a bit before I am ready to go back to that. (After all the happened with my last cycle.) I wonder how likely I would be to have OHSS again... anyone know??

I am just taking life day by day and hoping I can find the energy to cycle again. I know it is only a FET, but getting another BFN would hurt so much. I don't know how some of you ladies do it cycle after cycle. It is too hard. Trying to find that positive person that was here a few weeks ago. I think she is buried real deep. She might be hiding in a corner. I'm sure I'll find her, eventually.

Thursday, May 13, 2010


I am trying really hard to get the hope back from last cycle. It was hard to get a BFN when I was SO sure it worked. I know that it is His plan, I just don't get it. How do you revive the hope that seems to be lost?

We have the 9 embryos left and after that we are back to square one. We have been praying a lot about possibly switching clinics. I do like my RE and his staff, but there are just some things I would like to be different. I would like to have a more active role in my care. I felt like I had to pull the info I wanted out of the IVF "nurse". The real nurse at the clinic, that did my u/s, was always more than happy to tell me everything, but I only saw her for all of 2 min. So it was hard to get all the info out. I just felt like they didn't think I was a well informed woman who wanted to know as much as possible about my blood work, medication, embryos, etc. I felt like they told me the bare minimum, and when I asked for more it was a hassle. It really bothered me... But the location is wonderful and they are a couple thousand dollars less than other clinics.

The cost isn't the main hurdle, it is location. Our clinic is 1 hr south of us and our families live in the same city. So I always have a place to crash and a sister or my mom to go with me to my appointments. The other 2-3 clinics we have been looking at are 1-2 hrs north. We have no family or friends that live close by. So that means I would have to travel both ways on the days of my appointments. Plus I would not want to go alone, so I would have to find friends from church to go with me. DH may be able to go to a few, but his work is not super flexible. The stress and anxiety of trying to line up fiends to go with me may be more of a hassle and hindrance than it is worth. I'm not sure.

IF just sucks!

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Moving forward

Thank you again for all your support. You ladies are simply the best! Today is CD1 and I feel totally at peace with everything. Do I wish today I was celebrating being almost 5w pregnant instead of CD1, yes, but that is not the way things worked out this time. I know that the Lord has a plan and we just have to have faith and trust in Him.

So our next step will be going back to transfer our remaining embryos in July. We have a family vacation planned for the last week in June to Pismo Beach and I want to be able to ATV and kayak without having to worry about possibly being pregnant. (Since I would be in the middle of our 2ww if we did a transfer in June.) This vacation will be hard because DH’s youngest sister will be 7 months pregnant. I would’ve been 13 weeks if this cycle would’ve worked. So I’m sure pregnancy and birth will be all the women, MIL and my two other SIL’s, will be talking about. Plus we will be having a baby shower for her since we all live pretty far away from each other.

We have 9 day 1 embryos left. I think we will unfreeze all in hopes to get two perfect ones to transfer back. I first wanted to take out 5 and hope for 2, but given that we had 8 growing when we thought we would do a fresh transfer, before my OHSS got really bad, and only 3 became good embryos, I think we will do all 9. I don’t want to do all the hormones and get prepped and not have any high quality ones to transfer. The good news about freezing day 1 embryos is they are not as affected by the freeze thaw process, according to my RE. Hopefully that will be the case and we can have success in July.

I don’t know how you ladies do all that you have. Going through one failed cycle was really yucky. And mine wasn’t even a fresh transfer, so the likelihood of failure was much higher. Now looking back I don’t know how I thought it would work. My clinic has very low success rates with frozen transfers. I remember saying that to the IVF nurse when she said we would likely skip the transfer and freeze all embryos. Her response, “When I first started here we didn’t have ANY pregnancies from frozen transfers, but now we’ve had like 7! In fact my best friend had twins from a frozen transfer.” Really, did she think that would make me feel better?!? A whole 7 pregnancies, now I really want to freeze everything. I felt like I had just flushed $10k down the drain. Maybe we can bring that total up to 8! HAHAHA!

Monday, May 3, 2010

Got the call

I was really hoping that the pee stick was lying. Nope, nurse at the RE office called, negative.

Thank you for all the love and support. I cannot tell you how much each virtual hug helps. I love you ladies! I couldn't make it through this without you.

Sunday, May 2, 2010


I peed on a stick this morning at my mother's urging. It was negative. I know it's not fully over until the blood test, but it feels over. Today is 12dp3dt. It would've been positive if I was... Tears, lots of tears.