Monday, August 24, 2015

The end...

It all came to an end Friday night. I called to talk to expectant mom (EM) and she said she and her foster mom had decided she was going to BF for month and keep baby girl at foster mom's home. I told her she had to do what she thought was best and that is also what I had to do. And what is best for us is to sever ties with her at this point. I told her as a mom I cannot spend 30 days and nights away from a child that I was meant to parent.

It was a really hard decision. Actually, that's not true, the decision was easy, having to say it was hard. I know she feels betrayed and abandoned by us. I don't really know why since she is the one who changed the rules last minute but I know she feels those feelings and to her they are real. I feel betrayed and sad. Sad for baby girl who doesn't have a say and who will most likely be kept by a BM who is not ready to parent. I feel sad that her foster mom hasn't helped lead her in a more positive direction. When we adopted Little Miss, M's mom was such a positive influence and really supported M. She told her things she thought she should and shouldn't do to make the process easier. She let M decide what she did and didn't want to do but really having a mom who has given birth and raised children she knows the bond that is present between mom and baby and what will make placing a baby for adoption more difficult. I was so so so thankful for her.

DH still thinks EM will come around and realize she has made a mistake. I'm not so sure she will. And even if she does I'm not sure I want to continue on this roller coaster. It was so strange when we talked Friday night. The only thing she said the whole time was "ok". It was like she had no emotional attachment to us being the parents of her child. She didn't show remorse or sadness that we were saying we could no longer continue down this path with her. Maybe that is another red flag. Or maybe she just didn't known what to say. I really feel like after we talked on Wednesday and I told her it wasn't going to work for our family she knew it was over and decided she didn't want to place with us. I think that's why the time range went for 2 weeks to a month. She said she still plans on placing... I guess she will have to contact an agency and see if they will work with her. I really feel she will not place in the end. I don't know how any mom could preform all "mom duties" for a month and still relinquish rights in the end. And another obstacle she will face is she wants a VERY open adoption. We already have that with M, so for us that was no big deal but I know a ton of adoptive families that only want phone calls, pictures and letters back and forth.

A big part of my heart feels relief. There were things about this situation that were hard, a lot of things. So I have to believe that this is the Lord's way of protecting me from more heartache had we continued with her. Now we are in limbo again... Gosh how I hate this part. Thank goodness for our AMAZING daughter who fills our hearts with joy! She is my constant reminder that no matter what the battle it is so worth it! 

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Beyond the limits

So I don't really know what to title this post. Adoption is so hard for so many reasons. One of the big ones is that until TPR has been signed you feel like all the cards are in the BM's hands. You feel like you have to bend to her will so that she is comfortable and sees you are willing to include her wishes when caring for her child. But really my friends, why do we let this happen? We as adoptive parents have a say too and when we feel something is beyond what we can handle we need to speak up. Que our current situation.

So I called to talk to our expectant mom Sunday and talked to her foster mom first for a min. EM has been insisting on breast feeding baby girl. I really think it is a bad idea but realize it is important to her so I figured if she wanted to BF in the hospital we would be ok with that. Then she mentioned she wanted to BF for a "little bit" after baby was born. Um... ok. We talked about her coming home with us for "a few days" post birth. So anyway, back to Sunday night. Her foster mom brought up the BF thing and said I really needed to "let her fulfill her teenage fantasy" and let her BF for a bit after the delivery, and that she thought BM should take the baby home for 2 WEEKS to BF and then she would give her to us. WHAT?!?!?! But we could come visit her whenever we want so not to worry. OMG!! I about lost it! Lucky for her I am not a blurt out what is in my head kind of girl so I decided to think and pray about it before discussing it with BM.

I knew this was going to be a situation I could not deal with. As adoptive parents we are asked to take on a child just like we would had we given birth to that child. There is no difference in the love we feel for them or the bond. And tell me what mom would let another mom take her baby for two weeks to BF, no matter how often she could visit, none of them would! I would be a wreck for two weeks. Not knowing how she was doing all the time, if BM was bonding too much and likely to change her mind, if all her needs were being met. I would totally not be able to function. And I have Little Miss at home who I NEED to function for. She needs me and is my #1 priority.

So last night I called to talk to BM and she brought up the BF subject. She was actually quite excited about her and her foster mom's "plan" to keep baby girl for two weeks. After that she thought she could pump and continue to give her milk. I let her finish and then said this is not going to work for us. I told her it would break my heart for her to keep her for two weeks. I said DH only gets two weeks off work for bonding and her to be somewhere else wouldn't work. I think I said, this just won't work for our family and I'm really sorry like 67 times. She was speechless and really didn't know what to say. She said that we would work it out but really for me this is a deal breaker. If she can't come to our side we will probably be pulling out on this situation. I feel bad about it, she is 34.5 weeks prego now. But I have to do what is right for my family. I told her we loved her and just needed to do what was best for us. I'm still not sure what the outcome will be but I am glad I could stand up for myself and our family.

I really feel this is WAY beyond what should be requested of an adoptive family. Now had she contacted us after the birth of baby girl and had been ready to place then, it would be a different story. And I believe that if she still hopes to place that is what she will have to do if she decides to stick with keeping baby girl for 2 weeks. I don't even know of an agency that would think this was a good idea. I know it will make it a million times harder for her to stick to her plan. But really the bottom line is that as the mother of that child, or perspective mother, I cannot allow her to be cared for by anyone but myself for any amount of time post birth. Or days I should say.

Adoption is hard. IF is hard. This all just stinks. Please keep us in your prayers if you are the praying type...