Monday, June 13, 2016

Loss

I don't really know where to start this post. I haven't posted in so long even blogging seems foreign. This blog was created to document our struggles to parenthood. Then when we adopted our daughter I considered taking it down since we had reached our end goal... But I knew our story wasn't over. The years ticked by and we had a couple opportunities to adopt. The last of witch ended in a loss. After that loss I knew I couldn't adopt again. It was too painful. The wound seems so fresh and watching that baby girl grow via social media reopened the wound over and over again. Since we still wanted to add to our family we turned to fertility treatments once again. Which, if you would've asked me at the beginning of 2015, when we thought we were adopting again, I would've told you were beyond trying that again. For me that ship had sailed and I was not willing to board again. But with the adoption path being too painful to venture down again I knew it was time to try, at least one last time.

So in November 2015 I started BCP for IVF #2, on my daughters 3rd birthday. That cycle ended before egg retrieval. I was understimulated and I knew I could produce more eggs. After some serious consideration I opted not to cycle with that doctor again. Our only other option was to go to a big clinic in the Bay Area of CA. So I called and on Dec 22 we had our consult. I was confident this was our clinic! I hated they were 3+ hrs drive away one way, as I hate traffic and driving in general, but we knew it was a sacrifice we had to make.

IVF #3 started in March 2016. I took BCP and then started stims a few days later. By March 21st, after 10 days of stims, I was ready to trigger and I had my retrieval set for 10 am March 23rd. They retrieved 14 eggs, 9 were mature and 7 fertilized perfectly. By day 3, 5 looked perfect and 2 were growing slow. By day 5 we had 2 almost perfect ones to transfer. 3-5 more were on track to freeze the next day. We transferred these two beautiful blasts on March 28th.





Even the doctor said they were beautiful. I had my first HCG blood draw 9 days later. I was anxious about it, but was pretty sure it had worked because I was feeling so sick. On day 8 post transfer I took a pregnancy test and for the first time ever saw two lines!!




We were over the moon!! I couldn't believe after 12 years TTC and 3 IVF's I was pregnant! First beta at 9 days post transfer was 215 and then two days later 449. I was really sick with OHSS brought on by pregnancy, so I didn't enjoy the news as much as I thought I would. I had gained about 5 lbs in water weight and felt like I looked about 5 months pregnant. I cried a lot from pain. But about 6 weeks in the OHSS started to subside and just normal pregnancy symptoms remained. I was throwing up daily and nauseated all the time. I felt like I had the flu, but all of this was so welcome and appreciated because it meant I was pregnant.

At 6 weeks 5 days I went in for my first ultrasound. I was beyond nervous!!! The RE stuck the probe in and found a sac. He said the sac looked small but the baby had a good strong heartbeat at 126 bpm. Then he looked around and found a second sac!!!! TWINS!!

But the excitement was short lived. He couldn't see a heartbeat at first with Baby B. Then he did find one but it was slow and irregular. Both the baby and the sac measured right on track. But, he didn't even print out a picture for us because he was sure that twin would not survive. Que tears. So he moved back to Baby A and measured some more. The baby was measuring 3-4 days behind where it was supposed to be. He told me not to worry that it was still within range and it was not concerning.




This is the picture we got of Baby A. I looked at it the whole long drive home and cried about both of our little babies having issues.

The next two weeks while we waited for our next scan were long. I was still feeling very sick so I hoped that was a good sign and the babies were growing. We went back on May 9th, the day after Mother's Day, and I felt confident both babies would be good. We had prayed a lot and I fully expected to see a miracle. Unfortunately what we saw was not a miracle. Baby B no longer had a heartbeat and was no longer visible in it's sac. Two weeks earlier it looked just like the above pic of Baby A and this time it looked like this,





















This is the only pic I have of both babies. Baby B's sac is viable on the left and part of Baby A is on the right. But in this pic you can get an idea of how small Baby A's sac seems to be compared to Baby B's.



Here is Baby A's heartbeat. And you can see how small the sac was. But at least we head a heartbeat at 180-186 bpm. The NP seemed to be pleased with what she was seeing but I have seen enough ultrasound pics from other ladies and knew that the small sac wasn't a great sign. They released me from my RE's office with well wishes and requests for baby pictures, but all I could do was cry. I cried and cried and cried some more. We had lost one twin for sure and I was feeling uneasy about Baby A's prognosis.

I called my local OB and made and appt for that Thursday, May 12. They didn't do an ultrasound but were able to squeeze me in the next day. I was so nervous about going alone but my DH was confident since I wasn't bleeding or cramping and we had just seen the heartbeat 4 days earlier everything would be fine. I knew I shouldn't have gone alone...

The tech put the probe in and Baby A popped up on the screen. I could immediately tell it was over. No heartbeat. My world shattered in an instant. She looked around and found Baby B as well and nothing had changed there.

I was moved to a little room to wait for the doctor. I texted DH and he came immediately to be with me. I cried while the OB talked and cried the rest of the day. My babies were dead. Game over. There was no going back. I was numb for days. The next Tuesday, May 17, I had a D&C so I wouldn't have to miscarry at home. I couldn't wait around for my body to realize my babies were dead. It felt like it would be like losing them all over again.

The procedure was simple and I woke up without pain. I slept most of the day. My womb felt so empty and strange. I wanted to rip it out of my body. It failed my babies.

It has been 4.5 weeks since we learned about Baby A passing and I wish I could say it was getting easier. But it isn't. I don't cry everyday, all day, so that's good. I can get up and get dressed, so that's good. I still feel empty and lost. Luckily I have Little Miss to keep reminding me I am a mom, and losing the twins doesn't take away that. But it's hard to be the mom she deserves when I am in such grief. It's a daily struggle to put on my best face and take things one step at a time. She talks about the babies all the time. It beaks my heart when she says she will have a little brother and sister. When she tells me it is hard to wait for the babies to come. When she says she has two babies in her tummy and she will share one with me so my uterus won't be empty. I wanted her to be a big sister so badly.

My due date was Dec 14. My kids would've been almost exactly 4 yrs apart, depending on when they came. I would've been in my second trimester officially on Wednesday. A part of me died with these babies. I will never be the same person I was before this loss. I hope this change will be one that is for the better but right now it is hard to tell. I am in such a fog. I have no hope for more kids. I have lost it all. We have technically lost 3 babies in 9 months, with our failed adoption last year. It is more than I can bear. At least right now. I am eternally grateful for my DH!!! He has been AMAZING through all of this. Totally letting me breakdown and then picking up the slack and building me back up. He is my rock. This has really brought us to a new level of love in our relationship.

We do still have two embryos that are a 5AA and 5AB to transfer. I don't know that they will implant and result in a pregnancy let alone a real live baby. And I know I can't handle another loss right now, so we will wait until I am strong enough. My OB told me at my follow up appt on Monday that my hormones are still close to pregnancy levels, so my body still thinks it is 13 weeks pregnant. That made me fell a bit better since I still feel some of them. Once my cycle resumes it will flush them out and I will feel more normal. I am hopeful some of this emotion will flush out with them as well.

I never thought I would be in this place. I really didn't believe we would ever get pregnant, and I foolishly believed if I did there was no way I would lose the baby. I mean come on, it took us 12 years and 3 IVF cycles, that just wouldn't be fair. Well life isn't fair and I know other women who have been trough so much more and still don't get their happy endings.

I was talking to an IF friend the other day about how much this journey is about loss. No matter what stage we are in, we are all learning to cope with loss. Loss of control, loss of privacy, loss of intimacy, loss of our dreams for our family, loss of embryos, loss of faith in our bodies, the list goes on and on. The reoccurring theme of IF is loss. I personally haven't learned how to deal with all of it. I know some women when they are on the other side can say it was all worth it. They can see the loss and see the reason or what it lead them to... I hope to make it to that side. I felt so sure in my faith and hope after Little Miss was born. I felt confident my Heavenly Father had a plan and I was privileged to be able to witness his desires for our family. But now I feel lost. Was this really his plan?? Why would he want any woman to experience this kind of loss? And to feel this kind of pain? Why would I be asked to bear this burden? Why did both of my babies have to die? Why did I see a heartbeat on Monday instead of having lost them both at once and being able to mourn that loss instead of keeping my hope for one alive? Why why why????

I may never have the answers to any of these questions, and this is the space I live in now. I'm going to be honest it is a hard place to be. I'm a dead baby mamma now. It's an exclusive club no one wants to belong to. All I can do is pray that I can find peace in this place and let go of the anger and pain I hold on to. But that will take time. Lots of time...

Thursday, December 10, 2015

Canceled

I went in for my last monitoring appt today at a local US office. SInce a tech was performing the US and not a MD I didn't get to see the screen. She let me see what my ovaries looked like on the screen after she was done, not super helpful. I have been feeling like maybe we should pull the plug on this cycle since Monday and learning I only had 4-7 good follicles. So I've been praying and thinking about it. Today when my RE's office called to tell me my retrieval would be Saturday I told her I need to speak to the RE. He called me back and said I had 3 follicles about 20  and 3 around 17. So maybe 6 eggs total. That wasn't enough for me. I'm 33, I shouldn't have responded so poorly. He said that about 1/2 of my eggs should be normal too, last visit, so then we are looking at 1-3 eggs. UGH! I told him I couldn't continue with the way things were going. He understood. But wants to try again in a few months. I want to find another clinic.

 I feel like the lady who just keeps jumping ship. First with the adoption and now this. But both times I have felt peace about our decision. So that's what I need to go with. This time I just couldn't spend the $6k we were going to drop on anesthesia and the lab fees for 6 possible eggs. Last time we had 21 and 0 babies. I just need more to feel like it will work.

So here we are again. Back to square one... But with each failure we learn. So not all is lost.

Monday, December 7, 2015

Trying to be grateful

Stims Day 8 and today was my first monitoring appt at the office. Let's start with the good news:

1. I am not at risk for OHSS this time around
2. I will not be coasting so I should have better quality eggs
3. We are headed for a fresh transfer once eggs are fertilized!!

Now the not so good news is this protocol seems to make my ovaries lazy. I have felt bloated for DAYS and was sure I was growing a good 20+ eggs. Nope, not even close. He measured a total of 7 follicles. Yep 7.... I was devastated. He said, "you are a reproductive endocrinologists worst nightmare. You either produce way too many eggs or nothing at all." Great. He is confident we should have at least 4 good ones in there and he said 50% at my age should be chromosomally normal. So now we'er down to two. And given my hubby has super crappy sperm maybe just one. I want to cry and throw a tantrum like my 3 year old. He didn't want to cancel. I don't really want to cancel. But am I doing all of this for one (maybe) embryo. If I was guaranteed that embroy would be one healthy baby I would do it without thinking twice. But let's be real for just a second. Last time I had 21 eggs, 17 fertilized, only 5 were good enough to transfer over two FET. And we ended with 0 babies. I know IVF is not a numbers game but the stats sure aren't on our side. Yesterday I was feeling good and was sure this was our time. Today I just want to crawl in bed and cry.

The worst part is this is what I have been praying for. I wanted to not overstimulate and be able to do a fresh transfer. So not only do I feel deflated that there isn't much going on, I feel guilty for feeling that way. UGH!

Next US is Thursday and then we are thinking a retrieval on Saturday. Pray for me...

Saturday, December 5, 2015

Stims Day 6

This time around has been very different. I didn't realize I was doing a completely different protocol, I mean I thought I was but wasn't 100% sure. So last time we did the normal Long Lupron Protocol. This time I'm doing an Antagonist Protocol. (Link here to read up on the difference.) I don't feel as sick this time. Last time OHSS set in pretty quick. By Day 4 of stims I was losing my mind. I was anxious and all over the place. This time around I feel pretty normal. I haven't been sleeping well, so I'm overly tired and that makes me a little loopy and grumpy but I don't know that I can blame that on the meds. I have been feeling bloated since stims Day 2. I think I'm just sensitive to any changes going on. (Pregnancy is going to be fun,eh?) I don't feel like I have a ball in my belly but more like I have a golf ball on either side of my uterus. Little Miss has been a great distraction this cycle too. I am not obsessed with what is constantly going on and every little symptom because I have a 3 yr old. I can't be. And not everything is riding on this cycle, like I felt it was last time. I am already a mom. If this doesn't work we will try something else. We are hopeful it will but this doesn't feel like an end all.

I go back in Monday for my first US. I am really hoping I will be close to done. I started Ganirelix today and will only be on that for a few days to prevent my LH surge. I am happy this is almost done. It has gone by so fast this time around. It feels like we just made the decision to do IVF again and now here I am about to have my retrieval. Praying for good eggs and not too many!

Monday, November 30, 2015

Stims Day 1

Went in for my US this morning and everything looked good. I took my two vials of Menopur right there in the office. Not the most pleasant shot but still ok. My mom went with me and learned how to give me the shot since DH is gone in the am pretty early. My side hurts a bit but other than that I'm good.

So I'm a bit nervous about this cycle. My RE was already discussing a FET, and I was like wait what??? And he said he is toning down my meds compared to last time but it is likely I will still be a good responder and we may have to freeze everything. I'm praying that won't happen. I want a fresh transfer. So fingers crossed. I stim until next Monday and then I'm back in to see how I'm doing. Weird thing, this office doesn't monitor my E2. Anyone ever had that happen? No blood draw today and not doing one next Monday either. Seems a bit strange. Especially since I had OHSS last time. It makes me a little concerned. I am grateful that this RE does all of his own monitoring. That is nice since I always have questions.

So that's it. Day 1 of shots and I start Dexamethasone tonight. But luckily I just swallow that. Easy. Wish me luck!

Thursday, October 22, 2015

And so it begins...

I talked to me coordinator on Tuesday and IVF #2 is underway. My new RE does not do BCP to start a cycle. I will start estadiol tablets on 11/14/15 and that will be the start of the meds for this cycle. I've only done 3 cycles (one fresh and two FET) but all three times I have taken BCP. The nurse said that just isn't the way this RE does things. I'm a little relieved.  didn't have any issues with BCP but to not have one more thing to take is nice. Plus it also means I won't be on BCP for 6 weeks like I was anticipating.

We have a lot going on in the next two months! Little Miss will turn 3!! (Where has the time gone!?!) We also have Halloween, Thanksgiving and then Christmas. My brother and his family will be coming to stay with us for 10 days around Christmas, which will be fun! So here's to hoping they will be a great distraction during the TWW.

It still feels a little surreal that we are in this place again. It has been almost 6 years since our first IVF. It's crazy to think it has been that long. I'm excited to be back in the ring fighting the good fight. Here's to hoping this cycle is different and ends with a healthy baby. Oh and no OHSS!


Friday, October 16, 2015

All systems go

I heard back from my RE yesterday that DH does not have a chromosome issue. That's wonderful news! He said he was ready to move forward when we were. I wrote back and told him we were ready. He then sent me a tentative calendar that looks a little something like this...

Take folic acid 800 mcg and one 80 mg aspirin by mouth daily.

Begin taking one estadiol 2 mg tablet by mouth in the AM and PM on: 11/14/15

Take estadiol twice daily until instructed to stop below.
Thu, 11/26/15 Take last estradiol tablets in AM 
Fri, 11/27/15 
Sat, 11/28/15 
Sun, 11/29/15 
Mon, 11/30/15 Office visit for ultrasound. If cleared by the office, begin taking Menopur 75 IU, two vials by intramuscular injection in the AM. Take two dexamethasone 0.5 mg tablets by mouth at bedtime. 
Tue, 12/01/15 Take Menopur 75 IU, two vials by intramuscular injection in the AM. Take two dexamethasone 0.5 mg tablets by mouth at bedtime. 
Wed, 12/02/15 Take Menopur 75 IU, two vials by intramuscular injection in the AM. Take two dexamethasone 0.5 mg tablets by mouth at bedtime. 
Thu, 12/03/15 Take Menopur 75 IU, two vials by intramuscular injection in the AM. Take two dexamethasone 0.5 mg tablets by mouth at bedtime. 
Fri, 12/04/15 Take Menopur 75 IU, two vials by intramuscular injection in the AM. Take two dexamethasone 0.5 mg tablets by mouth at bedtime. 
Sat, 12/05/15 Begin taking Ganirelix 0.25 mg by subcutaneous injection in the AM. Take Menopur 75 IU, two vials by intramuscular injection in the AM. Take two dexamethasone 0.5 mg tablets by mouth at bedtime. 
Sun, 12/06/15 Take Ganirelix 0.25 mg by subcutaneous injection in the AM. Take Menopur 75 IU, two vials by intramuscular injection in the AM. Take two dexamethasone 0.5 mg tablets by mouth at bedtime. 
Mon, 12/07/15 Office visit for ultrasound. Take Ganirelix 0.25 mg by subcutaneous injection in the AM. Bring three vials of Repronex 75 IU with you to the office. Take two dexamethasone 0.5 mg tablets by mouth at bedtime. 
Tue, 12/08/15 
Wed, 12/09/15 
Thu, 12/10/15 Anticipate egg harvest today or within the next three days. 
Fri, 12/11/15 
Sat, 12/12/15 
Sun, 12/13/15 
Mon, 12/14/15 
Tue, 12/15/15 Anticipate embryo transfer today or within the next three days. 


It scared me a bit! I mean I sat there and looked at his plan and thought, "ohmygosh! Are we really going to do this again?!?!?" This time will include new meds I did not use in IVF #1, Menopur, dexamethasone, ganirelix, and Repronex. Any of you ladies have any experience with any of them? We have been out of the fertility office for 5 years, so I'm sure these are meds that have taken over and hopefully proven to be more effective than what we used for round 1. It scares me that I will know by Christmas if it worked. So it will either be a great celebration or a devastating blow. It makes pulling the trigger to do it a little harder. But on the same note, I want to get it done before 2016. (Since our deductible will be applied to the new year.)

AF is due any day now... So I need to call and get my BCP ordered. Big decisions are so not my thing. Actually decisions are hard for me in general. This one is a hard one to make and carries so much risk emotionally, financially and physically. Wish me luck!!

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Hysterosonogram

I guess I should start with my consult with the new doctor. It went very well. He has one of the top clinics in the country and is based out of a city a few hrs from here. He opened this new office to help women in our local area have access to better care than the other clinic that is in town. I felt very at peace with him and his ability to help us have another baby. I told him they found a fibroid at the clinic up north and he did an US to check it out. He did find a little something but compared to what the other clinic found it looked like it had gone away. It was a large black spot before and this time it was all white shaded like any other part of my uterus on the screen. He wanted me to do a hysterosonogram to be sure nothing was protruding and interfering with my lining. He also wanted to have DH do a chromosomal test to check for Y chromosome deletion. So we will see what that revels, since all other tests have been normal and there seems to be no cause for his infertility.

Today was my appt for the hysterosonogram and it went fine. An MD came in to place the catheter and fill my uterus with saline. It was nice because he was able to tell me exactly what he saw where a US tech I know cannot. He said everything looked perfect and normal. He will be sending the results to my RE and we will see if he wants to do something else to check the possible spot he saw on the US. He has mentioned possibly doing an MRI. I'm not sure. The procedure went smoothly and wasn't painful. The catheter went in smoothly and it wasn't painful. I have had some mild cramping all day but other than that no complaints.

It is strange to be at this point again. I really thought our fertility treatment days were behind us. I was ready to dive headfirst into another adoption journey. And we had, until it all fell apart. It is interesting to me how many women in the IF world pick a route and only go down that road. Meaning if they pursue adoption and are successful they do another and another until their family is complete. And even on the IVF route, women do it over and over until they are done building their families. I know a few people who have both adopted and IVF babies but it seems more seem to stick to one road or another. And I know some can only adopt. For me it was just the path we were successful with and I wanted to do what worked again. And I really didn't want Little Miss to be our only adopted child. I didn't want her to feel she was different. And maybe that's the same feeling a lot of families have.

For now I feel really good about going down the IVF road again. I actually feel really calm and at peace about it all. Which for me is a big thing since I am an avid worrier. I could have a gold medal in worrying. So here we go folks. Lets hope this roller coaster isn't as bad as the last one and that at the end there is a healthy baby!

Sunday, September 20, 2015

Grateful

I have been going back and forth a lot lately about the decision we made to not continue with our latest expectant mom. There are times I have thought maybe I could have dealt with her keeping the baby for a month... Maybe I could have convinced her to come here part of the time... Maybe I missed the boat big time on this one. Her due date was Tuesday. That day DH also had to leave for emergency work out of town and still isn't back. (There are some major fires going on in our dry state so his company has to access the damage.) I just felt weepy part of the day. Then Thursday I felt really down. I hadn't slept well the days prior with DH gone and AF was coming to town. It made for a rough day. Little Miss was all I had to keep my spirits up. I had a good cry and felt better the next day.

We are still friends on FB so I was wondering if/when she was going to post something about the baby. Given she was still planning on placing her, last we talked, I thought she might not post anything because I know she was going to hide the adoption from the birth father. (I know major red flag for an adoption.) So last night I got on FB and I had a notification she had posted 2 new photos. Sure enough she had baby girl Thursday. And guess what... She won't be placing her.

In that moment I felt complete gratitude for a loving Heavenly Father who has a plan for us and that He helped me make the right choice and let go of this match 4 weeks ago. I could feel in my heart that this was not going to end the way we wanted it to and that even if she did end up placing with us after keeping baby for 2-4 weeks I would be a mess the whole time. Even after placement I would constantly wonder if she was going to take her back. Until TPR is signed and the waiting period has passed anything can happen. I am thankful I did not have to be there in the delivery room and witness this sweet baby entering the world. I know I would've fallen for her in an instant. I'm thankful Little Miss never got to meet her. I thankful we didn't have to have this all come crashing down after she was born. It was hard to let go at 36 weeks in her pregnancy. We had been with her since week 13 but it was 137x easier to let go then vs trying to now.

I feel validated in our decision. I was to scream from the roof tops "I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN!!!" and "SEE I TOLD YOU SHE WOULDN'T PLACE!!" but alas I will keep my mouth shut. Outside of myself and DH only my mom and one close friend know. I will tell others as they ask. A lot of people don't even know the adoption fell through, so I still have people asking if we are expecting her any day now. I really want to talk to her and find out when she changed her mind. I will never know, but from what I gather it seems like it happened after she gave birth. She may have been wavering in the final days but I think she held that baby in her arms and knew she couldn't let her go. Her FB post hinted at that. Although most of her FB friends had no idea she was PG, once again given she was planning on placing and hiding it from BF.

Part of me still hopes she will change her mind down the road. Her situation is so much worse than most. And this poor little innocent baby is in for a hard ride. She has no support and will be kicked out of the home she is currently a fo.ster chi.ld in. Back when she changed her mind the first time she had ONE friend who said she would take her and the baby in for a few months until she could get on her feet. Then that friend backed out a week later. When we talked about it when she came to visit I asked her what she would've done had she kept the baby, been homeless, she said she didn't want to think about it and we changed the subject. Those who are single moms know how hard being a single mom is. Even if you have a great support system all the responsibility falls on your shoulders. My heart just breaks for her and baby girl as I can see the cards are stacked against them. I know motherhood puts a fire under you like nothing else, so maybe that will be enough for her to do everything she needs to to get her life together. But so much of what she is facing is out of her control, and that is the part I worry about the most.

I'm grateful for the closure this brings me. And now I can move on and hope for success in the future. I have an appt with the new IVF clinic in town on Wednesday. I hope it will be great and I will feel like this is the right option for us. After going to the info meeting at the adoption agency I didn't feel that was the right path of us, at least not right now, so I was left feeling stuck and lost. So I'm hopeful maybe doing IVF again is what we are supposed to do.

Friday, September 4, 2015

Let's get the ball rolling again

Since we are now back at square one with baby #2 we figured, let's get things rolling and start the adoption process for real with an agency. Oh and we might as well use those last 3 Day 1 2PN embryos from IVF #1. So I have a consult appt set up with the old clinic for October 15th. 

The adoption path looks a little something like this from here; Step 1 ~ We have a free information meeting this coming Tuesday to get info on the agency. Then we have to pay a $25 application fee and a $500 enrollment fee to get the ball rolling. Step 2 ~ Get our classes set up and pay around $3k for them. They only hold them once a quarter and the next ones are the first three Saturdays in November. Which doesn't work since one falls on Little Miss' 3rd birthday. And they run from 9-1 so 4 hrs. It looks like we will have to wait a few months to get those set up. Step 3 ~ Home Study and lots of personal questions no one really wants to tell a perfect stranger (or even a close friend ie. how often do you and your partner have intercourse?) need to be answered. Those fees will run us about $8500. After that is all completed we will officially be a waiting family. I have a play date set up with a friend who adopted their DD from the same agency Saturday. I'm going to ask her about BM fees and other things that may not be included in the fees mentioned above. Once placement occurs there is a $5k finalization fee. So all together we are looking at around $17k or a little less to go this route. 

The FET path looks a little something like this: Step 1 ~ Consultation with RE. Step 2 ~ Blood work. Step 3 ~ Prep for transfer. Step 4 ~ Transfer. We have insurance coverage for some of the costs and back 5 years ago when we were on the IVF roller coaster a FET with our office was around $1.5k. Since we do have a deductible we will end up paying for most of the fees before anything is covered. But this is obviously a much cheaper option!

I swore after the horror or IVF #1 I would never go back to this office. But since we moved back to our home town and the office is less than 3 miles from our new home I figured I might as well give the last 3 embryos a try. The good news is since we did IVF #1 another IVF clinic has opened in our hometown. So if we decide to possibly move on to IVF #2 we have options. I don't think with all the anxiety I feel over doing another cycle I could emotionally handle traveling 3-4 hrs to the other clinics that are in the state of CA to do a cycle with them. I'm not super hopeful about these little 3 embryos amounting to a real live baby, but I don't feel right leaving them in cold storage forever or destroying them when it took SOOOO much to create them. But this clinic better not try to do a full work up on me and DH when I have zero intention of cycling with them again. Well with a fresh cycle that is. 

I must admit I am a bit jaded after our recent adoption failure. I don't know that I have it in me to fail again. And I'm really scared that if we go that route we will fail again. I feel peace about that situation ending. I really feel it was right for us, but that doesn't mean it isn't hard. EM is due in 9 days. 9 days!! It's hard not to think about what might have been had I just gone along with her plan... But then again I feel like she won't end us placing in the end anyway. It's so back and forth for me. I'm confused why that situation had to be part of our journey to baby #2. I guess we may never know why. All I know is I'm ready to make something happen so we are going to get all the info we can and then do what we can to bring another baby home. 

To be continued...

Monday, August 24, 2015

The end...

It all came to an end Friday night. I called to talk to expectant mom (EM) and she said she and her foster mom had decided she was going to BF for month and keep baby girl at foster mom's home. I told her she had to do what she thought was best and that is also what I had to do. And what is best for us is to sever ties with her at this point. I told her as a mom I cannot spend 30 days and nights away from a child that I was meant to parent.

It was a really hard decision. Actually, that's not true, the decision was easy, having to say it was hard. I know she feels betrayed and abandoned by us. I don't really know why since she is the one who changed the rules last minute but I know she feels those feelings and to her they are real. I feel betrayed and sad. Sad for baby girl who doesn't have a say and who will most likely be kept by a BM who is not ready to parent. I feel sad that her foster mom hasn't helped lead her in a more positive direction. When we adopted Little Miss, M's mom was such a positive influence and really supported M. She told her things she thought she should and shouldn't do to make the process easier. She let M decide what she did and didn't want to do but really having a mom who has given birth and raised children she knows the bond that is present between mom and baby and what will make placing a baby for adoption more difficult. I was so so so thankful for her.

DH still thinks EM will come around and realize she has made a mistake. I'm not so sure she will. And even if she does I'm not sure I want to continue on this roller coaster. It was so strange when we talked Friday night. The only thing she said the whole time was "ok". It was like she had no emotional attachment to us being the parents of her child. She didn't show remorse or sadness that we were saying we could no longer continue down this path with her. Maybe that is another red flag. Or maybe she just didn't known what to say. I really feel like after we talked on Wednesday and I told her it wasn't going to work for our family she knew it was over and decided she didn't want to place with us. I think that's why the time range went for 2 weeks to a month. She said she still plans on placing... I guess she will have to contact an agency and see if they will work with her. I really feel she will not place in the end. I don't know how any mom could preform all "mom duties" for a month and still relinquish rights in the end. And another obstacle she will face is she wants a VERY open adoption. We already have that with M, so for us that was no big deal but I know a ton of adoptive families that only want phone calls, pictures and letters back and forth.

A big part of my heart feels relief. There were things about this situation that were hard, a lot of things. So I have to believe that this is the Lord's way of protecting me from more heartache had we continued with her. Now we are in limbo again... Gosh how I hate this part. Thank goodness for our AMAZING daughter who fills our hearts with joy! She is my constant reminder that no matter what the battle it is so worth it! 

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Beyond the limits

So I don't really know what to title this post. Adoption is so hard for so many reasons. One of the big ones is that until TPR has been signed you feel like all the cards are in the BM's hands. You feel like you have to bend to her will so that she is comfortable and sees you are willing to include her wishes when caring for her child. But really my friends, why do we let this happen? We as adoptive parents have a say too and when we feel something is beyond what we can handle we need to speak up. Que our current situation.

So I called to talk to our expectant mom Sunday and talked to her foster mom first for a min. EM has been insisting on breast feeding baby girl. I really think it is a bad idea but realize it is important to her so I figured if she wanted to BF in the hospital we would be ok with that. Then she mentioned she wanted to BF for a "little bit" after baby was born. Um... ok. We talked about her coming home with us for "a few days" post birth. So anyway, back to Sunday night. Her foster mom brought up the BF thing and said I really needed to "let her fulfill her teenage fantasy" and let her BF for a bit after the delivery, and that she thought BM should take the baby home for 2 WEEKS to BF and then she would give her to us. WHAT?!?!?! But we could come visit her whenever we want so not to worry. OMG!! I about lost it! Lucky for her I am not a blurt out what is in my head kind of girl so I decided to think and pray about it before discussing it with BM.

I knew this was going to be a situation I could not deal with. As adoptive parents we are asked to take on a child just like we would had we given birth to that child. There is no difference in the love we feel for them or the bond. And tell me what mom would let another mom take her baby for two weeks to BF, no matter how often she could visit, none of them would! I would be a wreck for two weeks. Not knowing how she was doing all the time, if BM was bonding too much and likely to change her mind, if all her needs were being met. I would totally not be able to function. And I have Little Miss at home who I NEED to function for. She needs me and is my #1 priority.

So last night I called to talk to BM and she brought up the BF subject. She was actually quite excited about her and her foster mom's "plan" to keep baby girl for two weeks. After that she thought she could pump and continue to give her milk. I let her finish and then said this is not going to work for us. I told her it would break my heart for her to keep her for two weeks. I said DH only gets two weeks off work for bonding and her to be somewhere else wouldn't work. I think I said, this just won't work for our family and I'm really sorry like 67 times. She was speechless and really didn't know what to say. She said that we would work it out but really for me this is a deal breaker. If she can't come to our side we will probably be pulling out on this situation. I feel bad about it, she is 34.5 weeks prego now. But I have to do what is right for my family. I told her we loved her and just needed to do what was best for us. I'm still not sure what the outcome will be but I am glad I could stand up for myself and our family.

I really feel this is WAY beyond what should be requested of an adoptive family. Now had she contacted us after the birth of baby girl and had been ready to place then, it would be a different story. And I believe that if she still hopes to place that is what she will have to do if she decides to stick with keeping baby girl for 2 weeks. I don't even know of an agency that would think this was a good idea. I know it will make it a million times harder for her to stick to her plan. But really the bottom line is that as the mother of that child, or perspective mother, I cannot allow her to be cared for by anyone but myself for any amount of time post birth. Or days I should say.

Adoption is hard. IF is hard. This all just stinks. Please keep us in your prayers if you are the praying type...