Monday, June 22, 2009

Why wouldn't she be??

Well C is pregnant. Why wouldn't she be? When she called to tell me today she was more sensitive and didn't complain as much, which I was grateful for. She did tell me that she would let me know what it is like to have multiples since this baby and her youngest will only be 15 months apart. HA! Like 15 months apart is the same as having twins. But that's ok. I just told her how lucky I thought she was and she agreed.

I am not upset by her news. I feel genuinely happy for her. It will be fun to have a baby around to love and hold that I can pass back when I am done. She is so gracious with letting me hold her little one now and I adore that little girl. And I know that the Lord has a time for us. And it will come. Things have been so crazy around here with DH new job and moving into our new house. I am so grateful we had to postpone IVF for a bit. I cannot imagine trying to cycle or being newly pregnant. Hopefully things will calm down a bit after the big move on Saturday and we will be able to relax. Here's to a wonderful July!

Thursday, June 18, 2009

When things go wrong

I have often found myself, like may fellow IFers, hating the sight of pregnant women. How I long to rub my own baby bump and dream of the future. But just because they are pregnant doesn't mean everything is fine. I read a post today from Conceive This... titled So Sorry For Your Loss. It broke my heart but also made me so grateful I have not had to experience a loss like that.

Three years ago my younger sister and her then husband found out they were pregnant. They had been trying for 18 months, just a few months less than us, and she was so excited. I remember crying all afternoon. "They don't even have a good relationship. Why would the Lord bless them with a baby and not us?" I remember telling DH. I couldn't talk to her for weeks. I was so grateful we didn't live in the same town so I didn't have to see her everyday. He pregnancy was perfect. She wasn't sick, she felt good, life was great. She went in on a Monday for her 25 week ultrasound to learn the sex of the baby... there was no heartbeat... I called her that morning to see what the results were. She answered in hysterics and gave me the news. I left work and drove the hour south to be with her. I was there most of the week and went to the hospital with her for her c-section that Friday. When it was all over with they brought in her little guy so she could see him for a bit. He was perfect. They never did find out what went wrong with the pregnancy. Her baby boy did not have a liver, but the doctors couldn't tell her why.

At the moment she called me to tell me she was pregnant I would have given anything to switch places with her. And by the end I was so grateful I didn't have to go through all of that. She and her husband divorced last year after 5 years together and now she feels like it was a blessing they didn't have any children together, but it doesn't make her loos any less painful. It doesn't make her miss what would have been. We all have our trials and none of us know what the whole story is. I pray that the next time I see a baby bump I will be able to think about this instead of envy to be in that woman's shoes.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Oh to be so blessed...

On Friday night DH left to go up north for our nephew's graduation. I decided to stay home to help a friend host a little get together at her house. After enjoying good food and company the women decided to take a walk. A C And I walked with their kids around the neighborhood. (A and C live a block from each other.) At the end C invited us in to check out her new paint colors. Then she was describing how she was going to hang pictures of her kids up the stairway. I jokingly asked if she was going to leave space for another picture just in case. (She has three beautiful girls, the youngest is 5 1/2 months.) She looked at A and said well we may have to. They both giggled. I felt my heart sink. C then said how her hubby was home last weekend and they had a little whoops moment. And she was ovulating. So if she is crying in two weeks we know why. "Crying??" I asked not quite understanding. "Well that means my last two would only be 15 months apart! It would be awful," she said. I know she wasn't trying to hurt my feelings, but she did. She proceeded to say how excited her hubby is at the prospect of another on the way.

I couldn't get out of there fast enough. I could feel my face still in shock and burning with jealousy. Oh to just fall pregnant. How would that be? I see C all the time, how do I not constantly replay that conversation over and over in my head. I told DH about it on Saturday when he returned and he tried to tell me everyone has different trials and for C having another baby right now is a hard thing. Dang him for being so wonderful! I know that... it's just did she have to say that to ME!?! Oh how I use to pray for a whoops, even when I was on BCP. Nope, not even a little bit. I wish I could switch places with her.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Fun Fact Friday

Since I am new I thought I would give all my fellow bloggers a few random facts about me that do not relate to infertility. (Since I am not just a barren woman.)

1. I truly believe everything happens for a reason.

2. I still run and jump into bed sometimes when it is dark and my husband isn’t home. (I guess to avoid monsters.)

3. I am an avid researcher. I had a co-worker who loved to ask me questions because I know so many random things, and she knew if I didn’t know the answer I would find it. I just like to know things.

4. I am the oldest of six children.

5. I am Mormon and very active in my church. (Which explains the 5 younger siblings)

6. I love water. I drink it by choice.

7. I prefer to drive barefoot.

8. I am only 5’2” but I say, “I am 5’4”, on good days.”

9. I love to write. I am not saying I am good at, I just really enjoy putting my thoughts down on paper.

10. Baking is my all time favorite thing to do. I love to get lost in a new recipe.

11. I am a small person. Not just in height or weight, just in general. My 9 year old sister calls me a midget. All of my siblings are taller than me, except the 9 year old, by at least 5-6 inches. My one and only brother is 6’3” and once weighed in at 270 lbs. (He now weighs close to 170) People still cannot believe we have the same mother and father.

12. My DH and I still act like newlyweds. We celebrated 6 years in May and just love to be with one another. I really lucked out in the marriage department.

13. My favorite TV show is The Office.

14. I will try any kind of food once.

15. I love to wear black.

16. I am a morning person. I just love the rush and energy of a new day.

17. I think it is fun to quote random movies.

18. I am a really feisty little person.

19. I love sushi.

20. I love modern design.

21. I do not have a green thumb. I have killed every pant I have ever owned.
22. I love getting stuff in the mail. Even if I know it is coming. It is like Christmas in July!

23. I love to dance. Even when there is no music. I have a song always running in my head.

24. I can memorize things really quickly, which really came in handy when I was in school.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Our Story

My wonderful husband and I met in May of 2002. We were introduced by a mutual friend at a church party for young single adults. We started dating in June and were engaged Christmas Eve of that year. I for one knew I was going to marry DH from very early on. One of the many things I was attracted to was his love for children. He had 7 nieces and nephews when we wed and all of them adored DH. We were married and decided to wait to have children until DH was done with his degree. A year later we had a “woopsie” moment, and I was sure I was preggo. I had been off bcp since January of 2004 and never missed a period. AF was 7 days late. When she came I was relived, but at that moment knew mother was the next title I wanted to add to my life. We waited until October of that year and started really trying. In January I had a 50 day cycle! I went in to see my OBGYN on day 42 and insisted she do a blood test to be sure I wasn’t pregnant. From then on I watched as friend after friend started their family. I switched OB’s in June and my ne OB ran some test and put me on Clomid. I did three cycles all with BFN at the end. DH was sure he was the reason we couldn’t get that illusive BFP. I talked to my OB who told me it “only takes one” sperm. HA! I had an HSG done, tubes were clear, laparoscopy, stage 1 endo, but nothing to be worried about. We decided to take a break and “just relax” since that is how my sister’s, best friend’s, sister got pregnant after 18 months of trying and was no pregnant with her 3rd. DH graduated in December 2005 we moved and he finally got medical insurance through work. So we decided to finally get him tested. In August of 2006 we learned that we had severe MF IF. DH had 1 million little swimmers and less than 10% motility. Eek! I went in for my annual with my then beloved OB and told him what thCheck Spellinge Urologist said. “Really it only takes one little guy,” was his reply. We went back to the urologist who wanted to do a vericocele repair to see if that would help. No such luck. IVF would be our only option. We have been saving and waiting since then. Unfortunately out here in CA infertility is rarely covered by insurance. We finally set up a consult with an RE an hour away in January 2009. He ran a few tests and I was given the all clear, great hormone levels excellent egg reserve, all the things you want to hear. DH’s counts on the other hand were lower than ever, so low the lab didn’t number his swimmers. Our RE said IVF with ICSI was our only option. We decided to move ahead with the March cycle. Our 1st appointment was February 17th to get our schedule and payment terms all lined out. DH was laid off February 13th. I was devastated. He hated his job, so it was a blessing, but there went our March cycle. He finally just a job offer last week and starts June 15th. We hope to start cycling in October or November this year, but now are not sure the RE we originally met with is who we want to be treated by. Oh what a pickle.


I have created this blog in hopes to let out some of the emotions I feel about being infertile in a fertile world. It is not always easy and brings so much heartache and pain. I need a place where I can connect with other women who understand what I am going through and one that is anonymous so that I can do this without being judged. So here I am. Ready to become a mom.