Monday, December 5, 2011

So sad

I just wanted to write a quick post to cry a little. My ex boyfriend from college got married a few months ago. I just found out his wife is pregnant... with TWINS! Seriously, are you kidding me!!! It just made me so sad. She has twin boys from a previous relationship, so he is technically already a dad, but I just wanted to be pregnant before they were. I know it's silly. It just made me want to cry when I saw a friend of mine on FB comment on her photo. Stupid FB! I knew you ladies would be the only ones who would "get it". Man IF sucks.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

What dreams may come

I had a dream about a month ago that I gave birth to a daughter. It was such an amazing dream and I was so happy and excited during the whole thing. The only strange thing was we named her Te.ra. And I was in LOVE with the name in my dream. I would introduce her to people and say her name like it was the most amazing name in the entire world. Now, no offense to any out there, but it is never a name I have considered for our little girl. So it was strange that in the dream I seemed to be obsessed with the name. Anyway, the dream was amazing and I woke up feeling like I knew we would have a little girl someday. I didn't tell DH about the dream because I didn't see him that morning (he was already at church for meetings) and just kind of forgot to tell him by the time I finally saw him.

Fast forward to 2 weeks ago, I got home from work and my husband had a big smile on his face. He said I had a dream about our daughter last night. I was like, "Um, what?!? You did" He said "Yep. We were at church and you were showing her off to everyone. Only weird thing was she was big and fat but everyone loved her. I had even left you in Sacrament Meeting to run home for a bit and you didn't even care because you had our baby with you." (Side note, I don't like being left in my pew at church alone. It is just... well lonely. So that is why that was interesting to him.) "You were so happy. You were glowing! You didn't even care that I was there. You were just staring at our baby. It was the coolest dream ever!" This is the first dream DH has ever had about our children.

I felt blessed that they happened so close to one another and we could share in the joy and knowledge we do have a daughter that is waiting to come to our family. I don't know when or even how she is going to get here, but I have faith that the Lord does and He has a plan. It was just a little reminder that we need to not give up. Our children are waiting for us. I hope they know how wanted and loved they already are.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Not our month

So no miracle baby this month. It was a lot harder this time when AF came than it was last month. Not because I thought I had a better chance of it working this month, I think it was just one of those months. I think we all have those kinds of cycles. The ones where we literally feel like we can't stand to go one more day without having a baby or the possibility of one. I was so consumed with grief I cried quite a bit the last few days. I am just over not being able to do what so many women can. I am over my husband not being able to do what so many men can. I am done with all this IF crap! I just want off this ride!! Unfortunately, I am not the one who gets to choose when this roller coaster ends or even how it will end. So I am taking it one day at a time and counting my many blessings... even if the one blessing I desire most is being withheld.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Cup Time... again...

Last month I POAS, OPK that is, using first morning urine (FMU) and got a positive 3 days in a row. This month I tried doing it throughout the day to see what the result would be. I have been POAS for the last 3 days, O is expected in the next day or two. I tested positive this morning around 8 am, then a little lighter at 10 am, and for sure negative at 7 pm. I told DH I thought it was "Cup Time" again. So here I sit with my hopes that these little swimmers will do their duty and find the golden egg.

I was asked how I used my OPK tests. Well last month, like I said I only used FMU and got a positive result 3 days in a row. I thought that maybe my LH was too concentrated in FMU and decided to not use that method this month. I have just been testing at random times during the day. (But not after having too much fluid intake as the test said this can dilute the hormones.) I was hoping to test every 12 or so hrs, but that hasn't really worked for me.

My one concern is I have been trying to keep an eye on my CM to catch that super fertile EWCM and have yet to see it. Not sure what that means exactly. I have had months were I have had an abundance of EWCM and wish we were using this method back then. Oh well.

I have also decided this month to not do back to back days of "Cup Time". Given that our factor is MF I think DH's swimmers need a little break. We will try again Saturday to see if that makes any difference at all.

Please feel free to ask me any questions you have. If you would prefer to email them to me, click here.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Not this time

I really didn't think I would get pregnant the first month of trying our "new method", so when AF showed up on Wednesday I wasn't surprised. The good news is that means I ovulated when my OPT was positive, so I guess I kind of did it right. I think this month around my ovulation time I will test every 10 or so hours to see if I can catch it and just have one positive reading. (I won't use my first morning urine again.) I decided against buying the Clea.r Bl.ue fertility monitor, since I was able to detect ovulation with just the regular OPT. I may change my mind if I can find one for cheap on eb.ay or something like that.

I was right in that failing with the method really didn't upset me at all. I didn't shed one tear or feel any grief. I know for us it is such a long-shot, so it now working is no surprise. But it does give me something to feel like we are at least making some kind of effort. Which is healing for the soul.

I was asked if we had considered using donor sperm with this new method. DH is fine with that idea, mainly because it would be a whole lot cheaper than IVF, but I am not. I just feel its too complicated for me. Too many "what it's" roll around in my mind about the future for me to go down that path right now. I am so happy for the women and their husbands that have conceived their children via this method! (and there are many of you!)

So now we try again and hope for a different outcome next time.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Something new...

Well I gave up on making babies the "old-fashioned" way about 5 years ago when we learned about DH's diagnosis... that was until I took a cake decorating class from a lady that said her daughter and her husband had our same issue and she tried a new method (at home) and got pregnant on her very first try! Now, my fellow IF sisters, I know there is a very good chance that this "method" won't work for us. This couple was able to do IUI, I believe, where we had to skip that step since DH's numbers were so low. But I feel a little twinge of hope again. I will be sad if it doesn't work, but since I really think it would be beyond a miracle if it did, I don't think it will set me into a tailspin like our BFN's after our FET's did. After all, this method costs all of $25 for 2 months worth of trying, were we sunk $15k+ into IVF and FET's.

So what is this new method you ask?? I'm sure many of you have seen the "cups" you can insert while on your period. They are called In.stead Sof.tcups. I have seen them many times and always wondered who would buy these things. Well now I can add myself to the list. Basically what you do is put your husbands swimmers in the cup and insert it for 24 hrs around ovulation time. Yes, it says you can only wear it for 12 hrs, but that is when you are menstruating. The cups only cost me $10 for 14 cups and I used 3 this cycle. I also purchased OPK's so I could be sure of my LH surge. (more on this later) The lady said her daughter did this and is expecting a baby boy in 3 months. Maybe it won't work for, but since we aren't going to pursue any kind of treatment for a bit I need to feel like I am doing something. Siting around doing nothing is much worse than a BFN from a cheap endeavor. 

A little side note, I haven't used OPK's in YEARS, so I may not be doing it right, but I got a positive result 3 mornings in a row. Is that normal? I used the cup all three days to be safe, but I wasn't sure what was going on. My pack I got said to use your first morning urine, I didn't do that since I get up a few times a night to pee, but I did use the restroom as soon as I got up to start the day and tested then. I'm wondering if maybe the hormone was too concentrated at this time. Ladies weigh in. I would love to buy a Bl.ue Fertili.ty Monitor to use, but not sure if I will. That way I would really know what was going on with all my crazy hormones.

It is fun to have some hope again without injecting my body with 10 different hormones a day!

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Did I mention...

...our surrogate is pregnant?? No, not with our baby with her own. I am excited and torn all at the same time. This is great news for her and her husband. (Although most people can get pregnant, so not a really huge feat.) She called me a few weeks back and said they had a "whoops" moment and now she thought she might be pregnant. So, I did see this coming. They did want to have another baby and her hubby did say he didn't want to wait for us to be ready to pursue treatment. So again, I am not surprised... so why did it hurt so much when she told me?

I guess it is just a reminder of my constant lack of being able to conceive. It feels like a kick in the gut when someone says, "I'm pregnant." And then I love how they wait and watch your reaction very closely. I feel like those moments sometimes go in slow motion. Like there are millions of seconds in between the time the words escape their lips and the time you smile and say congratulations. It is probably a blessing because I can tell myself in those million seconds, smile, it's ok, tell her congrats, give her a hug, and above all don't cry! Then you have to listen to them babble about due dates and gender guesses and how excited they are. Pure torture. My heart was being ripped from my chest and all I could do was smile and listen. Like the good infertile I am.

We have some other news happening around here that may push back treatment for a least 18 months, so really I should be totally fine with all of this. (I will have to post about that later.) Plus, we were really looking at doing FET and surrogacy since IVF with surrogacy is like way out of our budget. So my hope was that our next cycle would end with me carrying our baby. So once again, I really should be fine with all of this... but I'm not. And it hurts.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Step 2 and 3 for IVF #2... check

I went in to get my bw done Wednesday. I knew the RE wanted a lot of tests run but holy cow! I walked back to find a large line of vials set out on the table.12 vials later I hope they have all the info they need to start the process again. I had my regular MD order them so I can go in and request a copy in a week.

Step 3 was requesting a copy of my chart from Clinic from Hell for my records. I had been putting it off becuase I just didn't want to talk to them again. I finally just told myself I needed to get it over with, so I called. The girl was super nice and told my RE just had to sign off on the release. I told her we would be in that city Monday and would like to stop by and pick them up then. (This Was Tues this week) She said it usually takes a week but she would get back to me. I got a call at 6 pm that night saying they were ready to go! So I will stop by Monday morning to grab them. I am excited to see them. Plus it will be a million times easier to set up consults when I already have my records. No more waiting for them to send them over.

I think I had a very productive week. We are headed to the beach with DH's family next week and I plan to relax and not stress about anything IF related. This year I won't have a pg SIL so it will be easier. Although her 10 month old is a pretty good reminder of my lack of ability to procreate. Here's to hoping it is better than last year!
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Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Step 1 to IVF #2.... check

HrI went in on Friday for my annual app. Got the good old P.ap out of the way and had her order all the blood work new RE asked to have done. (Even Though we arent 100% sure we will be going to this RE the tests are pretty standard and will help any RE we decide to go to.)

It felt good to finally be doing something to get this show on the road. It is so hard in the waiting stages of this journey. I think we all just want to be moving forward, and this was a big step. I had scheduled this appt 2 months ago and knew we couldn't do another consult with another RE until we had some of the bw done.

Good old AF showed up today so bw will be done tomorrow or Thursday. Then my MD said I can go in and get a copy of the results in a week or 2. Praying for no hiccups as we start the road to baby once again.
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Saturday, June 18, 2011

Every Little Miracle

Most of the time when a baby related commercial comes on I change the channel. (Actually this is true of pretty much all commercials) But have you ladies seen the latest Pam.pers commercial. It literally made me cry. I tried to add the video to my blog, but blogger is being lame and won't upload it. Please click to watch it. May want to grab a tissue before hand, just a warning.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Clearing my head

I was so upset yesterday about everything yesterday. DH suggested I take some time and clear my head. If only I could take the part of my brain that is constantly thinking about IF and push the mute button.

I tried to take a step back today and realize that yes, sending out the info on the discounted cycle was wrong, but pushing me toward the other two cycles is really in my best interest. I think I am so over sensitive right now about all of this crap. DH said last night that he really thought the refund program was the best idea because he isn't 100% sure this will work. Que tears and silence. After a good night's rest which always seems to bring clarity, I find myself agreeing with him. No one goes into and IVF cycle 100% sure it will work. I was about 90% sure with our first cycle and was blindsided by OHSS and then the low quality and quantity of embryos. I think being more cautious and protecting ourselves this time around really is in our best interest. And that is what DH and the financial consultant were both trying to tell me and I wouldn't have any of it.

I want this to work so badly I just want to go in and get it over and done with. I don't even want to think about it not working. Then I tried to tell myself how much more comfortable I would feel if I knew we would get 90% of the cycle fee back if it didn't work out. How much stress would that take out of the equation!?! I need to be more open to other's suggestions instead of always thinking I know it all! I don't and others, especially DH, have my best interest in mind.

Now this doesn't mean we are for sure going to go with this clinic. But it means I need to take a step back and not be so defensive. We are going to consult with at least 1 other clinic in the bay area that has a refund program similar to this one. (Slightly higher fee for one cycle and transfer of all remaining frozen embryos before refund is given.) There are two clinic I have been thinking about going to for awhile and both have the At.tain program and that is like 3x the amount (like over $25k) but you are paying for 3 IVF's and 3 FET's. And then if that doesn't work a 70% refund is given. I would be doing IVF for years! Not to mention it would take years to save up the $$ to do it. So they have both been taken off the table for now.

What do you ladies think, is doing a refund program setting yourself up for failure?

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Done before it ever began

I had my consults with the nurse and financial counselors today. My chat with the nurse went ok. She did tell me if I wanted to start bcp with my next period I could be starting Lupron by July 14th. HA! I told her we need a little more time to get everything done and worked out before then. So not emotionally ready to start taking drugs again in 2 weeks.

The financial appointment didn't go as planned. They have "fin.ancial assista.nce" for their 1 cycle plan. Given DH is currently unemployed, we qualified. I was over the moon excited thinking it would cut some, not much but some, of the cost of this cycle. Nope. That plan is only for people who have no insurance coverage! Like no insurance at all. Who would be going through IVF to have a baby with no insurance coverage?!?!! Kind of need prenatal for the pregnancy you are hoping to have! No where on the sheet that stated the requirements did it say you had to have no insurance. Oh and did I mention they do not accept ANY insurance. So why does it matter if you have it or not??? And why did they even send me this sheet in my packet when the third question out of the RE's mouth was asking about our coverage. they knew we didn't qualify before they sent the packet. Surely they know how hard it is to hand over enough money to feed a small country to have a TRY at having a baby. They must know that some couples will meet the and wo.rth requirements they have listed. So why not also state the insurance requirement?? I ended the conversation with, "well then maybe we need to find an RE that does take our insurance*."

I felt misled and pushed into doing the refund or multi-cycle plans. As I have said on here we are not financially ready to do IVF right this second, let alone doubling the cost with one of these options. I get these plans are an awesome idea! And if we were on IVF #1 I may have taken that route, but this is our second time around. Honestly I'm not sure if I can do a third or fourth cycle. I would really like to take it one cycle at a time. I feel like emotionally that is all I can handle. I hated that as I asked questions about the normal cycle she kept referring back to the other two options. I don't know, I just felt funny. I don't want to start at a clinic I already feel funny at without even ever stepping foot in the office. (Been there done that, and it didn't work out so well.)

So now we are going to continue to investigate other clinics. So many people have told us we should have multiple consultations to find the BEST clinic and RE available. (Easy for them to say when they aren't emotionally or financially invest in this.) I really feel I need to find a clinic that is a good fit for ME. That I feel comfortable at. I want to call in a feel like people are on my team and there to help. I know I will never be their only patient, but I want to feel like I am important. Please tell me some of you have this. And if you have gone to a clinic in N. Cali I would like to hear about them! I need some serious help!

*Our first cycle our RE was contracted with our insurance and they did cover the US's and bw. It wasn't much but it made a difference. And that RE could also order any test he needed and it would be covered, like SA's and bw. Since this clinic isn't contracted we have go to our regular MD or OB (still have yet to find one of those) and have them order all the stuff they want done. More time, money and energy I don't think I have. It was so nice at our last clinic for him to need something and to just write out a lab slip.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

2nd Opinion

We had a consult with another RE on Friday. All went well. There were a few revelations.

1. I have PCO's. Not PCOS, just PCO's. I was confused as most women with PCOS are overweight, have excessive hair growth, an-ovulatory and irregular cycles. (None of which apply to me) He clarified that one can have polycystic ovaries with out having the syndrome. Ok. I have never been told this, so it was a bit eye opening.

2. RE #1 aka The Quack, put me on a very aggressive treatment plan for IVF #1. Given that PCOS ladies are often high responders I think RE #2 was a little shocked at the does of Gonal I was on.

3. OHSS would have been 100% preventable with IVF #1 if; a) I would have coasted and not triggered when I did. b) not been put on such a high does of Gonal. c) been given the proper meds to combat it once it took over. Also my clinic told me to drink "as much as possible," Dr. Z's advice, only 1 liter of Gato.rade or other sport drink per day. (No wonder I looked like I was 4 months pregnant)

4. He's pretty sure I have some king of immunology issue that could be preventing implantation. (Since I have PCO and endo) Will be testing for that.

5. He was ok with pursuing surrogacy but really felt I should look at all options before I made the decision. I told him I didn't want to be unable to do a fresh transfer again. He said he really thinks I will be able to do a fresh transfer. Haven't decided yet what we will do.

At the end all I said was, "Dr, do you really think this could work?" He said, "absolutely."

So he sent me enough info to occupy this IF girl for days. Seriously, talk about information overload!! I had a mini-breakdown today after work, after reading about the immunology stuff and if I test positive for NK cells what all that entails. I told DH I knew he sent it to me because he wants me to be well informed, but it just made me feel like we are that much further away from a baby....

Next steps, I talk to the nurse and financial coordinator on Thursday. He also wants me to get a local OB. (Yep, we have lived her 5 yrs and I still don't have one. I am a slacker.) I need to get another HSG done, since my last one was in 2005. DH needs a recent SA. After that I will have my day 3 US and blood work done for the immunology stuff. Sometimes it seems so daunting doing this all over. And he is much more through than The Quack, which I greatly appreciate, but it is just a longer list of to do's.

Thank you ladies for all your support. I wish I could hug each of you and tell you how much you mean to me. You make this whole thing tolerable.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Ready to throw in the towel

I am so over all of this! It took 2 weeks for my old clinic to fax my medical records to our new clinic. Then they didn't send any of my OBGYN or DH's urologist stuff. I called to inquire, they can't fax anything over from other MD's. So I had to call our other MD's to request the records. Haven't been to either one since 2007, records are in storage, gonna take forever. My consult with new RE is next Friday. The new office said it really ins't a huge deal if they don't get the records before then... I am just over it all! The lady from the urologist office was so rude and just mean. I wanted to cry. This crap is hard enough, gosh, be a little kind.

We still don't have all the $$ saved and our surrogate has kind of mentioned that her hubby isn't willing to wait forever, ie more than 3 months, for us to get everything lined up. We were setting out for an August cycle, but I just don't know how that is going to happen. Not to mention my anxiety is back in full force and I can't deal with all of this!

Sorry for the rant. This is just where I am today.
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Monday, May 9, 2011

Not one tear...

... Was shed yesterday. I really felt at peace with the whole Mother's Day thing. (A First for me since ttc) I really can't tell you why or how it happened, it just did. I had a wonderful day celebrating the two women in my life who gave me and DH life. I even went to my own ward for church, also a first in 4 years. (The Lest time I felt so left out and ended up crying my eyes out ALL day long afterward, so I have gone to church wiht my mom every year on MD since.) It was truly a perfect day.

A friend, E, stopped by when we returned home and gave me a bouquet of roses picked fresh from her garden in a cute vase. We are not very close, so I was totally shocked. She is the mother of 5 b.oys and her youngest, who is 2, is adopt.ed. It was the kindest thing. I told her she didn't need to do that given I am not really a mother and she said, "we are all mothers." She is right. I told her this was the first year I feel totally at peace and she said that's becuase we are on the path and our blessing is soon coming. I hope she is right, but if not I am just grateful the day was wonderful.

I hope all of you wonderful ladies had a great day! We survived another year!
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Thursday, May 5, 2011

Free stuff!!

So I did something a little crazy, I ordered a nursing cover. I my defense, it was FREE! You can get a free one too by going to and using the discount code MOTHER.

When we started ttc 6.5 years ago I purchased lots of baby things, as did my mother for me. Now I have given just about everything away. I had one little girl's dress I adored and kept for about 4 years. This cover is the first baby purchase I have made in years, well that isn't for someone else. I couldn't resist. I think it shows I have renewed hope in this whole baby making thing. And maybe that I am just a tiny bit crazy!
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Monday, April 25, 2011

Talked down

I just wanted say a quick thank you to Jess who talked me down off a ledge today. This whole process is so hard and every time we hit a snag I feel like I may jump! Today Jess was my saving grace! The ALI community is amazing, and I am so grateful for friends in the blogging world. You ladies are the only ones who get it. Thank you for providing support in those dark times and for providing answers to questions I didnt even know would come up. Sometimes I just want to scream, "really, do you think this is how I WANTED to make babies?!?!" Nothing about this journey is easy. Thank you for making it bearable.
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Sunday, April 17, 2011

New direction

I have been thinking a lot lately about what our next move will be. I have thought a lot about adoption and have not felt like that is the right move for us at this point. Surrogacy has been on my mind for the last few months, actually since we got our last BFN. It is kind of a strange thought because physically I should be able to carry and delivery a healthy baby, but there has been this little voice in the back of my mind that has kept the thought of using a surrogate in the mix. Well about 4 weeks ago a dear friend approached DH about being our surrogate. He wasn't sure how I would take it well so he wouldn't even tell me about it at first. When he finally did I felt... relief. I really felt like my body failed our first little embryos. I feel like doing IVF again will result in OHSS and yet another postponed transfer and more FET(s). These thoughts have been some of the major hangups for me. I haven't really moved forward with IVF #2 because I am so scared it will end the same way. Now I know every cycle is different and going to a new clinic will provide different results, but then there is that thought that I can't seem to push away, that there may be more to our fertility issues than just MFI.

After much prayer and thought we have decided to accept my friend's offer and proceed with IVF and surrogacy. I feel like the Lord has been preparing my heart for this option for many months and I feel blessed my friend R is willing to be an instrument in helping us bring our children into the world. I have felt peace and comfort in this decision and such overwhelming love both for and from my Heavenly Father. I don't know why this is the direction I have felt prompted to go, but I want to follow Him, He knows what's best. I have also thought this does not mean I will NEVER be pregnant. It just means that for now we are going to follow this new path.

I feel excited and hopeful once again. I cannot believe someone is willing to do this for us, that she is going to put her family on hold (they have 2 children) to help us. I can't believe she is willing to take all the pills and injections to prep her uterus. I just can't believe someone is willing to endure pregnancy for us. It brings tears to my eyes every time I think about it.

We still have a few things we need to get in order before we proceed. So we are still a few months away. I am going to contact the clinics office sometime this week to see what this new journey requires. I am grateful they employ a lawyer who specializes in all things fertility related. That will be easier than going out and finding a lawyer who does.

I have actually been a little scared to post about this new path because I wasn't sure what you ladies would think. I have not had multiple losses or uterine issues that would push us to this option. I came to this decision after only 1 IVF and 2 failed transfers. Know that it was not made in a day or even a week. It came after lots of prayer and fasting. I hope you will continue to follow our journey to parenthood.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Too much

A few months back I ran to my friend L's house to borrow a few eggs. She is in her mid 40's and has 6 children, with only 2 left at home. We got to talking about our plan for our next attempt at having a family. She then told me she had rented a movie all about IF, The Pla.n. I could hardly contain my disgust. Have you seen the movie? If you have you, you understand what an awful pretrial of IF it is. J.L.o gets pg on her first IUI attempt, with twins no less. She has no side effects from meds and her twin pregnancy is 100% uncomplicated. She even goes into labor and delivers healthy babies with no medical intervention. The only "issue" she has is this guy comes into her life on the day of her IUI. They fall in love and the movie ends with her throwing up in a trash can, surprise she is pg again! This time with her fiance's baby after no TTC. This is the movie L watched and suddnely understood IF. She just couldn't believe all we went through. Really?!?? Because that movie made it look pretty easy. She then finishes with, "gosh, if I had to do all that, I don't think I would have kids!"

Pause to catch my breath...

I then told her how easy that made it seem and how what we did, IVF, was about 147x more complicated. Not to mention all the stupid complications I had. I still don't think she got it by the end of our conversation. (Even Though she was one of the many friends who came to visit when I was sick with OHSS.)

So is this all really worth it? Someone who had six children, without even thinking about it, seems to think it isn't. I now know why the Lord gave me the gift of IF and not her, he knew I would continue to fight. Becuase my children are woth it!

PS This is the same friend who often comments that she stopped praying for patience because every time she did she got pg. And that my friends is the real secret to getting pregnant. Why didn't I think of that!

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Bid your heart out

Sarah and Chris are holding an online auction to help their adoption dream become a reality! They have totally AMAZING stuff! Go over and help out this wonderful couple out.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Marital strain

DH was in Phoenix a few weeks back, and while sitting in church I made the comment to my very fertile friend D how much I missed him the week he was away. Her comment...

"Yeah you don't have kids yet. You wouldn't miss him like that if you had kids."

To which I replied...

"No we don't, but you have never been through infertility treatment and had "timed sex" or had your hormones all over the place from fertility drugs, or had to drop off your husbands semen at a lab to have it analyzed, or..."

She stopped me before I could continue to list things that strained our marriage and made it just as"real" as hers. And said, "Yeah, yeah you're right."

A few months ago after hearing someone say something similar to me and me just nodding and walking away, I decided I would never do that again. I was going to tell whomever told me this next time just what it was like to be in an infertile marriage. We have been married for almost 8 years. Just because we don't have kids doesn't mean our lives are stress free and wonderful. I have had this comment said to me in one form or another SO many times. I swear, we could fund IVF #2 if I had $1 for every time someone said something like this.

I get it, kids are hard and they make it a lot harder to have alone "couple time", but infertility can be like a cancer for a marriage. One that, if not "treated" properly will spread and kill the relationship. Yes DH can have alone quality time and date nights any time we please, but we have yet to have the joy of being parents together and watching our children grow and develop. Yes, we pray and beg for that blessing everyday, but when it comes, will I love him less? No, I think it will only make us more in love with one another. And maybe that is what I needed to get from IF, that children are such a blessing. I do believe that my non-IF friends think this, at least part of the time, but they will never have the privileged of knowing it like we do.

Friday, February 25, 2011

On reunions and such

My HS reunion is this year. Gasp, has it been that long already. I'm sure that 94% of my classmates are not where they thought they would be 10 years after HS. Yes, I have a wonderful husband, good job, beautiful home, etc. but still no kids. From what I can tell on FB there are plenty of my former classmates that are on the slow train, as far as kids and marriage go. So will I stick out and the "IF" classmate? No probably not. Well until they all find out we have been married 8 years and I still have yet to complete my degree. (What have I been doing the last 10 years!?!) I'm sure most of you fellow IF ladies have been here. How did you do it? What did you do? Should I skip the reunion? With FB these days you pretty much know everything you want to about the people you cared about in HS. I still have about 6+ months until the blessed event, but no way am I going to hope I will be pg by then. I am going to assume our life will be pretty much the same as it is now when I go. That way I am not setting myself up for disappointment.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Do your part

Please go over to Chris and Sarah's adoption blog to see their online auction. We are all traveling down this path we never expected to be on, let's help one of our sister's find her rainbow at the end. Plus, there is some really AMAZING stuff! Happy bidding!!

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Left behind, for the 245,731 time

I have a friend who has been TTC #4 for about 5 years. We went to church together and she would often vent to me about how hard IF is. I should mention here that she has 3 beautiful healthy boys. Which she concieved the second her husband "walked inot the room". He must have super flying sperm! Anyway, she wanted a little girl in the worst way. So about 3 years ago she talked to her OB and found out she has P.COS. He told her she was VERY lucky to have the 3 kids she has. (Thank You OB!)

They moved an hour north about 2 years ago. We have kept in-touch via FB. They decided to pursue adoption through the state foste.r-ad.opt program. They have been considered a few times, but never got a placement. Well 2 weeks ago they were matched with a 6 yr old gi.rl who was victim of serious nel.glect. (she Wears 3.T clothes she is so tiny from st.arvation.)

So once again I have been left behind. When they started the process we were getting ready for IVF #1. I talked to her before it started and I remeber her saying, "we should have babies about the same time." I kept thinking, yeah right, this is going to work and you may be waiting for placement by the time I am due. Well looks like I was wrong. It just makes me sad. For some reason I have a hard time when people IRL get their miracle, I talking about those that have dealt with IF. I wish I was better about it, but it is just so hard for me.

In other news, after a lot of thought, I think we are leaning toward IVF #2. I just feel like I am not quite there with the whole adoption thing just yet. I really wish I was... It looks like we are still a few months away, financially, but we know where we are headed.
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Monday, January 10, 2011

Back to normal??

So my good friend AF has been showing up when she feels like for quite awhile now. The cycle before our first IVF she decided CD 40 was the day to come. She has been all over the place from 31-40 days when not being brought on by stopping bcp. Before all the madness of last year, I would say over the last 5 years she has been coming between 31-35 days. This month... 28 days. WTHeck. So is my body resetting after a year of total insanity?? But really, I don't even remember the last time I had a 28 day cycle. I am grateful that I haven't "damaged" my body permanently with all the junk I put into in 2010. I am hoping this will become a regular occurrence.

On the adoption front, nothing else has happened. I got our paperwork and it has just been sitting on my kitchen counter. We have to put down $1000 at our first meeting, which will be applied to the final cost of the adoption, but that just seems like a big commitment to make right now. I need to call the adoption specialist and ask some general questions before we setup that first meeting. I guess I haven't fully decided this is the path we are going to take just yet. I think it would be different if there was a baby out there, like Sarah's situation, but for now it is just another dream.

So no for sure decisions just yet. We continue to fast and pray and seek guidance only the Lord can provide. It's hard when you don't feel like you are getting an answer. I guess that is why we must have faith.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

A call

I made a call today, to the adoption services offered through our church. We have been talking about it a lot lately and would like to have another door open in case I decide I can't handle another IVF now. I dont think that means we will never try again, just not now. I am excited, scared, anxious, happy, all over the place. I still have a little place in my heart that really wants a baby that is half me and half DH... But the fact is even with another IVF that may not happen. And I really feel like 1 more treatment is all I have left in me. (On Good days mabye 2 more cycles)

I am not sure where this road will lead us or even if it will end with a baby, but for today I am hopeful.
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