Thursday, September 17, 2009

Bad mojo - Part 2

And the drama continues. Last night J, my friend E's hubby, came over to discuss his side to all the drama. He didn't take a defensive stance, he just wanted us to hear what concerns him about E and things that are going on behind the scenes.

I really appreciated his honesty. I think both DH and myself were able to give him our insight into what E feels is happening in their marriage. One of the biggest faults dear J has is he doesn't take responsibility when he hurts E's feelings. He feels it is her fault she took something the way she did. I tried to explain he can't do this, and he wasn't really getting it. Then DH stepped in and gave him a harsh lesson in taking responsibility for his actions. (I just love him.) This is a lesson DH has learned over the last 6 years. If something he says hurts my feelings he need to own that and try to communicate better.

We learned a lot more about both J and E. Sweet E has some very self destructive behavior that is obviously affecting not only their marriage, but also her children. Yes, J has things he needs to work on, but E has to pull herself out of this bad place she is in where she hates J and herself.

I don't know what we can really do to help. DH has always felt I needed to speak out more when E is out of line. I have told him it is not my place, I don't need her to hate me too. Now let me say she is not doing anything like getting drunk or doing illegal drugs. Her bad habits are pity eating, spending $$, and drinking energy drinks, to name a few. (There are a few worse ones I don't think should be mentioned.) But when she was at our house venting Tuesday night DH wanted me to stick up for J and try to get her to talk to him. I feel she needs a place she can vent where she feels like she isn't judged. I have decided that from now on, she will not do this with me in front of her children. It is not healthy and they don't need to hear it. I am also going to try to encourage her to go to counseling. They have done marriage counseling, which didn't help too much, but I think she needs to do one-on-one sessions.

Thank you so much for all your comments on my last post. I really feel like I am at a loss and could use any advice I can get! And yes, we are a very different couple than they are. We have had 6 years to work on things just the two of us and E was pregnant with her first when they got married. So I think our relationship has a totally different dynamic.

Most importantly J said he has full faith E will return to the path she needs to be on. He knows this is just a big bump in the road and they will be ok. I hope he is right.

*As a little side note. I talked to DH about the not having kids comment he made last night and told him how much it hurt me. He apologized and said that was not what he meant. We just got in a new order of his Fertil.ity B.lend junk so hopefully that will help. We are moving forward.


  1. That's a hard place to be in - trying to figure out how to offer constructive criticism to a friend.

    I'm glad your DH apologized about his comment. Sometimes they just say things that pop into their heads without realized what effect they have on us.

  2. It sounds like you guys are doing a great job being there for them and listening. Hang in there!

    I should add about the book suggestion -- it is a Christian book. You might want to take that into consideration before suggesting it :)

  3. I think you are handling this difficult situation very well. Giving your friend a place to vent is very important. Suggestion she go to counseling is also very productive. I hope both J and E realize what amazing friends they have in you and your DH. Good luck.

  4. You and your husband are doing a fabulous job to help your friends with patience and understanding. Your comment about her not talking in front of the children is SPOT ON CORRECT. That is just wrong. I think your advice for them to seek a little counseling is also a great idea. I hope they try it out. A 3rd party can calm emotions and give them a few exercises to help them deal with their emotions. I'm also very impressed and glad your husband is so wonderful and mature and apologized. How great he must be...oh yeah...he's with you!