Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Freak out session

It all started Saturday night when we were on our way home from a fun filled weekend with our family. DH was talking about the bonus he was hoping to get in December. He has been working really hard at his new job and doing very well. He made the comment, “I will keep it all for myself.” Um, no, our marriage has never been this way. We do live the yours-is-mine principle, so I knew he was somewhat joking about keeping it for himself. I said, “Oh, I thought you would be adding it to our IVF fund.” I guess that was not what he had in mind. He went on to tell me that he doesn’t think we will ever get to the point were we can stick $10-15K into treatment. He doesn’t see how we could ever save that kind of money. Life just happens and we need to save “x” amount before we can even think about doing this. And basically how he still needs to be able to have fun with some money before we do all of that. (Hello, what has been going on the last 5 years!?!?) All I heard was, “it’s never going to happen, I’m not ready, your dream is not mine.” I cried and was silent for a long time. We discussed some more, which was going nowhere, and decided to sleep on it.

Sunday I was so sad I couldn’t go to church. I called a friend to teach my class and stayed in bed most of the day. I didn’t eat anything. I was just too upset. He apologized and tried to explain what he meant. Obviously what was said and what I heard were two different things. I felt like few things were resolved and we left it at, yes we would do treatment... but who knows when.

Monday I came to work and decided I was just going to move on. I had to find another “thing” to take up my time. I was still devastated, but like I said in my first post, I would not force him into this. I needed him to be on board 100%. And as hard as it was to accept, I love him more than my desire to have children. So last night he couldn’t really get why I was still depressed. I told him how I felt and what I thought he was saying. Turns out I was still getting it wrong. We are still going to shoot for December, but that looks like a long shot given that we are still a considerable amount away from our goal. He wants to be sure we still have money left over in our savings when our first cycle is over. I can understand that. Our plan is for me to stay home after our miracle comes, so somehow in his mind that translates into me getting pregnant and stopping work all in one day, which will NOT be the case. So to appease him we will have a cushion before we start treatment.

Please tell me I am not the only one with a DH who freaks out a bit about the financial aspect of IVF. Have any of your husbands freaked out? I know he wants to be a parent, but for him it would be so much easier if it just happened. (Which he has admitted he still thinks it will. Hello! We have severe MFI! Obviously he needs to listen a bit more at our RE appointments.) Our RE even asked if we wanted to use donor sperm for our IVF. My reply, “thank you, but no. If we were going to go that route I could just use an OPT and inseminate myself! Thank you very much.” I want to at least try to have my husband’s child. I mean we haven’t even had one cycle yet, why would he put that out there so early?? He isn’t sterile. Ok, getting off track. My point in all of this is I feel like I am the only infertile lady who has a DH who still freaks out about doing IVF, even after 5 yrs of trying and several MD’s who have told us we will never get pregnant on our own. I really thought we were past this stuff. I really thought we were on the same page. I think we are, it’s just getting the money to do it and helping him feel comfortable with writing that check.

*Sorry to any of you who may have read my venting session yesterday. I just needed to put it out there, and after I did, I realized I was being dramatic and needed to hold off until all sides were considered.
**Also, I am not opposed to using donor sperm if it comes to that. I was just using our RE’s comment as a bench mark for where our MFI is. I hope I did not offend anyone.


  1. My husband doesn't freak out about further treatments, necessarily, but that's because he doesn't think we'll need any.
    He did, up until recently, think that it was fine to spend money on a new tv, new gadgets, more hard drive, space, etc. instead of putting it into savings. Now, we know that every cent has to go into the house so we can sell and end up in a cheaper house so we can afford treatments, adoption, or whatever.

  2. Whoops, I wasn't done with my comment. I meant to add that anytime you don't feel like your on the same page as your DH, it makes the whole process that much harder.

    I'm glad at least that your DH just miscommunicated his thoughts about IVF, and wasn't saying no to it completely. Sometimes guys just take a little longer for these things to sink in - it's not like they spend all the hours and days online soaking in information and statistics like we do :).

  3. My Significant Other is a bit like your's and callmemama's DHs - most of the time he doesn't think we need the treatment. I guess that it's because the problem is with me not him, but he still reckons it's going to happen "naturally". It can be VERY frustrating...

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  5. You are totally not alone. I really know exactly what you're talking about. My husband is so freaked out over money, it's not funny. When he told me we couldn't do it in 2009, I cried for days. Finally, we came back together and looked at the finances, expected bonuses and tax time, and came up with April 2010. THEN - news came in about his new insurance policy. So now, we're going to try to stick to Feb. 2010 for IVF. $12,000+ is a lot of money; but I'm a emotional thinker at times and just think we should go for it.

    I hope you're able to continue the conversation and talk with him more about everything. It helps so much when you're on the same page with everything. Tell him - no curve balls buddy!

    BTW - I think my husband would rather take his bonus and spend it on video games...I keep reminding him that it's going to the IVF Baby Bank!

    Take care!

  6. I can comment on my DH freaking out about the financial toll of IVF (yet), but I can comment about DH's who seem to hear different things than us at the doctor! I think the reason that my DH isn't at all concerned with the longer term options like IVF is because he's convinced that it can still happen.

    What I heard the uro tell us last week was that the odds are we'll need IUI or IVF. What he heard was that we can get pregnant. Men just hear things differently!

    So sorry for all the drama! (((HUGS)))

  7. I am so sorry for you girl. My husband's head in the sand when it comes to the money aspect of it. I am the freak out half of this infertile couple. My husband has always had his parents to back him up and get him out of binds-ie paid off his ex-fiance's engagement ring when they broke up.

    I am the one that has had panic attacks over finance.

    My DH's freakout center around loss of freedom. Loss of mobility after having a child. He freaks out anytime we see a disabled child- is just CERTAIN it is going to happen to us. He is now terrified I am going to get the swine flu and die.

    Sigh. Wish he just worried about the money...LOL!!! I would just CHARGE IT!!

    PS-have you looked into Care Credit? It a healthcare/vetinary only credit card that is interest free for a certain period of time (can't remember), and pretty low rates after that time is up.

    GOOD LUCK!!!

  8. My DH hasn't freaked out about the money, but was in TOTAL denial about his MFIF. He flat out didn't believe the first SA. Thought his low sperm count was a mistake on the lab's part. I was the one to freak out about the emotional, financial, medical sides.


  9. First of all, I am so sorry for the rough last few days. :( You are definitely not the only one who has dealt with this (as evidenced by all the comments above).

    We haven't come to the point where we have to spend the big bucks, but I've been saving and planning that we will have to just in case. DH knows this and we have a "baby bucks" account. However, just the other day something came up about money and I said, "We're not spending that....that's in case we need to spend $20,000 for IVF or adoption." He stood there all shocked and said, "$20,000?!?" It's not like this is NEW to him, but for some reason the reality of the situation doesn't really seem to sink in.

    Keep talking with your husband and working to be on the same page. Do you have any family or friends you can talk to who can be an "impartial" third party and help you sort out your options and priorities?


  10. There are days when my husband is all for 'doing what we have to do to have a baby' and then there are days when he says that we don't need IVF, that it will happen when the time is right. This drives me totally insane because, like you, we are dealing with MF. He knows that there is a problem but he would rather live with his head in the clouds and his money in his pocket!

    I've just come to accept him blowing hot and cold over treatment. We are fortunate because we sold our house so we have the money to go ahead and do this but he is still not keen to rush into it this year (we've been trying for over three years so not quite as long as you but, long enough).

    Men are bizarre creatures, I have decided to go ahead and book the appointment and just tell him when it is. This is ofen the best way but I can appreciate that it is difficult for you with the money situation. If we hadn't have sold our house I wouldn't feel like I could go ahead and book an appointment because it would have been his money more than mine.

  11. While we are not (yet) facing costly procedures, my Beloved and I have had issues about finances that have stemmed from the family building process.

    For us, it comes down to me attempting to explain what is needed (a home bigger than our old apartment, savings in the bank for while I'm on mat leave, etc) without being emotional, which is incredibly hard.

    We are talking about looking into adoption next summer if we don't get (and stay) pregnant before then, and my Beloved is still in a fair bit of denial about how much it will cost and how long it can take.

    I think some men just have issues with the timeline of all this... they don't realize how far in advance we need to start planning and prepping for this stuff.

    Hang in there, and I hope that you both get to the same place soon.

  12. Seems like you are going through alot of the same stuff I am going through - amazing. Men are all alike - LOL. Anyway - my husband is still freaking out about the money and he also still thinks - even though we are starting IVF in one week - that I will not get my period this month and we will get pregnant - even though we were giving only a 1% chance of every coneiving on our own. I just wanted you to know you are not alone. (((HUGS)))