Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Bad mojo

My BF IRL is going through a really rough patch. She and her husband are not getting along and it is taking a toll on everyone in their family, especially their oldest son who is 11. Both of them have a very hard time not fighting in front of their kids, but her husband feels the need to tell their children things that are hurtful and "adult" subject matter.

Let me give you an example, last night she escaped to my house. I am pretty sure when her 4 children realized their mother was missing her husband informed them she had left them. Something like, "she left us. Can you believe that?!" I received a sobbing call from her 11 year old around 9:06 pm, right after she left, asking if I knew where his mom was. I told him she had just left and was on her way home.

I don't know what to do to help my friend. I really think they are just going through a bad year and need to continue to work at things. She is to the point where she wants to leave. I am wondering if it is better to do so given the current circumstances. Now let me also say her husband is not abusive or cheating. He is an overall good man who is just plain stupid at times.

So now, how this relates to me, seeing them argue over kids stuff is making my DH wonder why people have kids. I know he knows that the kids are not the issue, but he sees them as something more to strain a marriage. He told me he feels fortunate that we don't have them yet. Oh he drives me nuts! I think he was just saying it because that is how he felt at that moment. I wish he would think before he speaks.

The point, how do I support my friend without letting all of this bad mojo affect my marriage??


  1. I wish I had a good answer for that. I think marriage is worth working at, so if they would both be willing to do counseling, maybe?
    Those poor kids...
    My dad and mom didn't fight in front of us until after they divorced, but there are still some things they said that have been burned into my skull forever.
    I don't think people's marriages are necessary "bad" before they have kids, but they might have let their relationship take a back seat to everything else and it just fell apart. They are probably just fighting over kids stuff to avoid digging at what is really wrong...
    They married each other for a reason, so trying to rediscover that reason is important.
    Your friend is lucky to have someone to run to, who cares about her.

  2. That's tough. The best I can recommend is to remind him that he is not the jerk her husband is and that you are not your friend. I assume you have a different kind of relationship that they do, and your kids will be different because of the dynamic in your own household. Also 4 kids are a lot of work and stress and worry, especially for someone who is experiencing it all during a time of crisis. Good luck sweetie. Keep your chin up.

  3. I'm so sorry for your friend and her family :( And that's tough on you!

    I think all you can do is be there for her...I know a book won't "solve" things, but a great marriage book I read recently is Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. If she's looking for something to read I do think it could help...