Step 2 and 3 for IVF #2... check

I went in to get my bw done Wednesday. I knew the RE wanted a lot of tests run but holy cow! I walked back to find a large line of vials set out on the table.12 vials later I hope they have all the info they need to start the process again. I had my regular MD order them so I can go in and request a copy in a week.

Step 3 was requesting a copy of my chart from Clinic from Hell for my records. I had been putting it off becuase I just didn't want to talk to them again. I finally just told myself I needed to get it over with, so I called. The girl was super nice and told my RE just had to sign off on the release. I told her we would be in that city Monday and would like to stop by and pick them up then. (This Was Tues this week) She said it usually takes a week but she would get back to me. I got a call at 6 pm that night saying they were ready to go! So I will stop by Monday morning to grab them. I am excited to see them. Plus it will be a million times easier to set up consults when I already have my records. No more waiting for them to send them over.

I think I had a very productive week. We are headed to the beach with DH's family next week and I plan to relax and not stress about anything IF related. This year I won't have a pg SIL so it will be easier. Although her 10 month old is a pretty good reminder of my lack of ability to procreate. Here's to hoping it is better than last year!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Step 1 to IVF #2.... check

HrI went in on Friday for my annual app. Got the good old P.ap out of the way and had her order all the blood work new RE asked to have done. (Even Though we arent 100% sure we will be going to this RE the tests are pretty standard and will help any RE we decide to go to.)

It felt good to finally be doing something to get this show on the road. It is so hard in the waiting stages of this journey. I think we all just want to be moving forward, and this was a big step. I had scheduled this appt 2 months ago and knew we couldn't do another consult with another RE until we had some of the bw done.

Good old AF showed up today so bw will be done tomorrow or Thursday. Then my MD said I can go in and get a copy of the results in a week or 2. Praying for no hiccups as we start the road to baby once again.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Every Little Miracle

Most of the time when a baby related commercial comes on I change the channel. (Actually this is true of pretty much all commercials) But have you ladies seen the latest Pam.pers commercial. It literally made me cry. I tried to add the video to my blog, but blogger is being lame and won't upload it. Please click to watch it. May want to grab a tissue before hand, just a warning.

Clearing my head

I was so upset yesterday about everything yesterday. DH suggested I take some time and clear my head. If only I could take the part of my brain that is constantly thinking about IF and push the mute button.

I tried to take a step back today and realize that yes, sending out the info on the discounted cycle was wrong, but pushing me toward the other two cycles is really in my best interest. I think I am so over sensitive right now about all of this crap. DH said last night that he really thought the refund program was the best idea because he isn't 100% sure this will work. Que tears and silence. After a good night's rest which always seems to bring clarity, I find myself agreeing with him. No one goes into and IVF cycle 100% sure it will work. I was about 90% sure with our first cycle and was blindsided by OHSS and then the low quality and quantity of embryos. I think being more cautious and protecting ourselves this time around really is in our best interest. And that is what DH and the financial consultant were both trying to tell me and I wouldn't have any of it.

I want this to work so badly I just want to go in and get it over and done with. I don't even want to think about it not working. Then I tried to tell myself how much more comfortable I would feel if I knew we would get 90% of the cycle fee back if it didn't work out. How much stress would that take out of the equation!?! I need to be more open to other's suggestions instead of always thinking I know it all! I don't and others, especially DH, have my best interest in mind.

Now this doesn't mean we are for sure going to go with this clinic. But it means I need to take a step back and not be so defensive. We are going to consult with at least 1 other clinic in the bay area that has a refund program similar to this one. (Slightly higher fee for one cycle and transfer of all remaining frozen embryos before refund is given.) There are two clinic I have been thinking about going to for awhile and both have the At.tain Re.fund program and that is like 3x the amount (like over $25k) but you are paying for 3 IVF's and 3 FET's. And then if that doesn't work a 70% refund is given. I would be doing IVF for years! Not to mention it would take years to save up the $$ to do it. So they have both been taken off the table for now.

What do you ladies think, is doing a refund program setting yourself up for failure?

Done before it ever began

I had my consults with the nurse and financial counselors today. My chat with the nurse went ok. She did tell me if I wanted to start bcp with my next period I could be starting Lupron by July 14th. HA! I told her we need a little more time to get everything done and worked out before then. So not emotionally ready to start taking drugs again in 2 weeks.

The financial appointment didn't go as planned. They have "fin.ancial assista.nce" for their 1 cycle plan. Given DH is currently unemployed, we qualified. I was over the moon excited thinking it would cut some, not much but some, of the cost of this cycle. Nope. That plan is only for people who have no insurance coverage! Like no insurance at all. Who would be going through IVF to have a baby with no insurance coverage?!?!! Kind of need prenatal for the pregnancy you are hoping to have! No where on the sheet that stated the requirements did it say you had to have no insurance. Oh and did I mention they do not accept ANY insurance. So why does it matter if you have it or not??? And why did they even send me this sheet in my packet when the third question out of the RE's mouth was asking about our coverage. they knew we didn't qualify before they sent the packet. Surely they know how hard it is to hand over enough money to feed a small country to have a TRY at having a baby. They must know that some couples will meet the inco.me and n.et wo.rth requirements they have listed. So why not also state the insurance requirement?? I ended the conversation with, "well then maybe we need to find an RE that does take our insurance*."

I felt misled and pushed into doing the refund or multi-cycle plans. As I have said on here we are not financially ready to do IVF right this second, let alone doubling the cost with one of these options. I get these plans are an awesome idea! And if we were on IVF #1 I may have taken that route, but this is our second time around. Honestly I'm not sure if I can do a third or fourth cycle. I would really like to take it one cycle at a time. I feel like emotionally that is all I can handle. I hated that as I asked questions about the normal cycle she kept referring back to the other two options. I don't know, I just felt funny. I don't want to start at a clinic I already feel funny at without even ever stepping foot in the office. (Been there done that, and it didn't work out so well.)

So now we are going to continue to investigate other clinics. So many people have told us we should have multiple consultations to find the BEST clinic and RE available. (Easy for them to say when they aren't emotionally or financially invest in this.) I really feel I need to find a clinic that is a good fit for ME. That I feel comfortable at. I want to call in a feel like people are on my team and there to help. I know I will never be their only patient, but I want to feel like I am important. Please tell me some of you have this. And if you have gone to a clinic in N. Cali I would like to hear about them! I need some serious help!

*Our first cycle our RE was contracted with our insurance and they did cover the US's and bw. It wasn't much but it made a difference. And that RE could also order any test he needed and it would be covered, like SA's and bw. Since this clinic isn't contracted we have go to our regular MD or OB (still have yet to find one of those) and have them order all the stuff they want done. More time, money and energy I don't think I have. It was so nice at our last clinic for him to need something and to just write out a lab slip.

2nd Opinion

We had a consult with another RE on Friday. All went well. There were a few revelations.

1. I have PCO's. Not PCOS, just PCO's. I was confused as most women with PCOS are overweight, have excessive hair growth, an-ovulatory and irregular cycles. (None of which apply to me) He clarified that one can have polycystic ovaries with out having the syndrome. Ok. I have never been told this, so it was a bit eye opening.

2. RE #1 aka The Quack, put me on a very aggressive treatment plan for IVF #1. Given that PCOS ladies are often high responders I think RE #2 was a little shocked at the does of Gonal I was on.

3. OHSS would have been 100% preventable with IVF #1 if; a) I would have coasted and not triggered when I did. b) not been put on such a high does of Gonal. c) been given the proper meds to combat it once it took over. Also my clinic told me to drink "as much as possible," Dr. Z's advice, only 1 liter of Gato.rade or other sport drink per day. (No wonder I looked like I was 4 months pregnant)

4. He's pretty sure I have some king of immunology issue that could be preventing implantation. (Since I have PCO and endo) Will be testing for that.

5. He was ok with pursuing surrogacy but really felt I should look at all options before I made the decision. I told him I didn't want to be unable to do a fresh transfer again. He said he really thinks I will be able to do a fresh transfer. Haven't decided yet what we will do.

At the end all I said was, "Dr, do you really think this could work?" He said, "absolutely."

So he sent me enough info to occupy this IF girl for days. Seriously, talk about information overload!! I had a mini-breakdown today after work, after reading about the immunology stuff and if I test positive for NK cells what all that entails. I told DH I knew he sent it to me because he wants me to be well informed, but it just made me feel like we are that much further away from a baby....

Next steps, I talk to the nurse and financial coordinator on Thursday. He also wants me to get a local OB. (Yep, we have lived her 5 yrs and I still don't have one. I am a slacker.) I need to get another HSG done, since my last one was in 2005. DH needs a recent SA. After that I will have my day 3 US and blood work done for the immunology stuff. Sometimes it seems so daunting doing this all over. And he is much more through than The Quack, which I greatly appreciate, but it is just a longer list of to do's.

Thank you ladies for all your support. I wish I could hug each of you and tell you how much you mean to me. You make this whole thing tolerable.

Ready to throw in the towel

I am so over all of this! It took 2 weeks for my old clinic to fax my medical records to our new clinic. Then they didn't send any of my OBGYN or DH's urologist stuff. I called to inquire, they can't fax anything over from other MD's. So I had to call our other MD's to request the records. Haven't been to either one since 2007, records are in storage, gonna take forever. My consult with new RE is next Friday. The new office said it really ins't a huge deal if they don't get the records before then... I am just over it all! The lady from the urologist office was so rude and just mean. I wanted to cry. This crap is hard enough, gosh, be a little kind.

We still don't have all the $$ saved and our surrogate has kind of mentioned that her hubby isn't willing to wait forever, ie more than 3 months, for us to get everything lined up. We were setting out for an August cycle, but I just don't know how that is going to happen. Not to mention my anxiety is back in full force and I can't deal with all of this!

Sorry for the rant. This is just where I am today.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Not one tear...

... Was shed yesterday. I really felt at peace with the whole Mother's Day thing. (A First for me since ttc) I really can't tell you why or how it happened, it just did. I had a wonderful day celebrating the two women in my life who gave me and DH life. I even went to my own ward for church, also a first in 4 years. (The Lest time I felt so left out and ended up crying my eyes out ALL day long afterward, so I have gone to church wiht my mom every year on MD since.) It was truly a perfect day.

A friend, E, stopped by when we returned home and gave me a bouquet of roses picked fresh from her garden in a cute vase. We are not very close, so I was totally shocked. She is the mother of 5 b.oys and her youngest, who is 2, is adopt.ed. It was the kindest thing. I told her she didn't need to do that given I am not really a mother and she said, "we are all mothers." She is right. I told her this was the first year I feel totally at peace and she said that's becuase we are on the path and our blessing is soon coming. I hope she is right, but if not I am just grateful the day was wonderful.

I hope all of you wonderful ladies had a great day! We survived another year!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Free stuff!!

So I did something a little crazy, I ordered a nursing cover. I my defense, it was FREE! You can get a free one too by going to uddercovers.com and using the discount code MOTHER.

When we started ttc 6.5 years ago I purchased lots of baby things, as did my mother for me. Now I have given just about everything away. I had one little girl's dress I adored and kept for about 4 years. This cover is the first baby purchase I have made in years, well that isn't for someone else. I couldn't resist. I think it shows I have renewed hope in this whole baby making thing. And maybe that I am just a tiny bit crazy!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Talked down

I just wanted say a quick thank you to Jess who talked me down off a ledge today. This whole process is so hard and every time we hit a snag I feel like I may jump! Today Jess was my saving grace! The ALI community is amazing, and I am so grateful for friends in the blogging world. You ladies are the only ones who get it. Thank you for providing support in those dark times and for providing answers to questions I didnt even know would come up. Sometimes I just want to scream, "really, do you think this is how I WANTED to make babies?!?!" Nothing about this journey is easy. Thank you for making it bearable.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

New direction

I have been thinking a lot lately about what our next move will be. I have thought a lot about adoption and have not felt like that is the right move for us at this point. Surrogacy has been on my mind for the last few months, actually since we got our last BFN. It is kind of a strange thought because physically I should be able to carry and delivery a healthy baby, but there has been this little voice in the back of my mind that has kept the thought of using a surrogate in the mix. Well about 4 weeks ago a dear friend approached DH about being our surrogate. He wasn't sure how I would take it well so he wouldn't even tell me about it at first. When he finally did I felt... relief. I really felt like my body failed our first little embryos. I feel like doing IVF again will result in OHSS and yet another postponed transfer and more FET(s). These thoughts have been some of the major hangups for me. I haven't really moved forward with IVF #2 because I am so scared it will end the same way. Now I know every cycle is different and going to a new clinic will provide different results, but then there is that thought that I can't seem to push away, that there may be more to our fertility issues than just MFI.

After much prayer and thought we have decided to accept my friend's offer and proceed with IVF and surrogacy. I feel like the Lord has been preparing my heart for this option for many months and I feel blessed my friend R is willing to be an instrument in helping us bring our children into the world. I have felt peace and comfort in this decision and such overwhelming love both for and from my Heavenly Father. I don't know why this is the direction I have felt prompted to go, but I want to follow Him, He knows what's best. I have also thought this does not mean I will NEVER be pregnant. It just means that for now we are going to follow this new path.

I feel excited and hopeful once again. I cannot believe someone is willing to do this for us, that she is going to put her family on hold (they have 2 children) to help us. I can't believe she is willing to take all the pills and injections to prep her uterus. I just can't believe someone is willing to endure pregnancy for us. It brings tears to my eyes every time I think about it.

We still have a few things we need to get in order before we proceed. So we are still a few months away. I am going to contact the clinics office sometime this week to see what this new journey requires. I am grateful they employ a lawyer who specializes in all things fertility related. That will be easier than going out and finding a lawyer who does.

I have actually been a little scared to post about this new path because I wasn't sure what you ladies would think. I have not had multiple losses or uterine issues that would push us to this option. I came to this decision after only 1 IVF and 2 failed transfers. Know that it was not made in a day or even a week. It came after lots of prayer and fasting. I hope you will continue to follow our journey to parenthood.

Too much

A few months back I ran to my friend L's house to borrow a few eggs. She is in her mid 40's and has 6 children, with only 2 left at home. We got to talking about our plan for our next attempt at having a family. She then told me she had rented a movie all about IF, The Ba.ck-u.p Pla.n. I could hardly contain my disgust. Have you seen the movie? If you have you, you understand what an awful pretrial of IF it is. J.L.o gets pg on her first IUI attempt, with twins no less. She has no side effects from meds and her twin pregnancy is 100% uncomplicated. She even goes into labor and delivers healthy babies with no medical intervention. The only "issue" she has is this guy comes into her life on the day of her IUI. They fall in love and the movie ends with her throwing up in a trash can, surprise she is pg again! This time with her fiance's baby after no TTC. This is the movie L watched and suddnely understood IF. She just couldn't believe all we went through. Really?!?? Because that movie made it look pretty easy. She then finishes with, "gosh, if I had to do all that, I don't think I would have kids!"

Pause to catch my breath...

I then told her how easy that made it seem and how what we did, IVF, was about 147x more complicated. Not to mention all the stupid complications I had. I still don't think she got it by the end of our conversation. (Even Though she was one of the many friends who came to visit when I was sick with OHSS.)

So is this all really worth it? Someone who had six children, without even thinking about it, seems to think it isn't. I now know why the Lord gave me the gift of IF and not her, he knew I would continue to fight. Becuase my children are woth it!


PS This is the same friend who often comments that she stopped praying for patience because every time she did she got pg. And that my friends is the real secret to getting pregnant. Why didn't I think of that!