My heart hurts

So a fried texted a few days ago directing me to a website that was set-up by birth parents looking to place their unborn child with an adopted family. My heart skipped a beat when I got the text and then reviewed their web page. "Little Miss could have a sibling in a matter of months!" I was excited and humbled by the opportunity to adopt again. They had an application which consisted of 30+ questions they wanted both parents to answer. I talked to DH about it and we decided to throw our hat in the ring. It took us 2 days to answer all the in depth questions they had. I tried not to invest too much and knew they possibly had MANY applicants who were hoping for the opportunity to be considered.

We waited and waited and today the answer came that we were not selected as one of the families they wanted to meet. My heart broke and tears flowed. I was so hopeful... and now the hope is gone once again. This may be even worse than when I found out FET #1 and 2 didn't work. This time there was an actual baby kicking away in another woman's uterus involved. This was more than just a hope that maybe a few eggs in my killer uterus would amount to more than just a few cells. This my friends was an actual baby.

The irony is I believe with all my heart that adopted children are sent to THEIR families, not just any family. So really by them not picking up it is because we aren't the family our Heavenly Father has intended for this baby. I have a testimony of that... so why does my heart hurt so bad?

Well hello old friend

It's been months. Sorry for my lack of posting. I just haven't felt like I have had much to say in this space. Little Miss is 14 months old!! It is amazing and wonderful and tiring to have a toddler. She is amazing and I feel blessed every second of every day that I get to be her mommy. She is the light of my life!

As she approached her first birthday my thoughts turned to possibly giving her a sibling. It is funny, you go through all we do and the end goal is just to have one healthy baby. Well we have reached that end goal so it feels funny and even a little selfish to want more. I have really wrestled with this thought. I have laid awake at night and felt ungrateful that just down the hall I have a little miracle sleeping in her crib peacefully. I'm not sure if you ladies who are on the other side feel this. I feel like the world is saying, "really you spent all this time to just have a child, and now that you have her you want MORE?!?! How dare you!" Fertile people don't experience this, I'm sure. But alas I do want another baby. And if I'm being perfectly honest, which I try to be in this space, I really want that baby more for Little Miss than I do myself. Siblings are wonderful. I am the oldest of a large family and I love it. I can't imagine one day of my life without my sibs. I can't imagine a life for LM that didn't include at least one little brother/sister to love. So where does that leave us?

DH and I have discussed possibly pursuing another adoption, like the normal way most people do. Since we were BEYOND blessed that LM's adoption situation just fell in our laps. Then there is the IVF #2 option... DH was recently blessed with a great job and just moved to a permanent position with benefits that will cover part of one cycle. There are also the 3 little embryos we have on ice back at our old clinic. (Which I doubt will amount to much given our history with the embryos from dreaded IVF #1)

So those are our options. I have been praying and pondering what direction we should go. Each one carries ricks and possible heartache. But the wonderful thing about this time around is my arms will not be empty at the end. I am already someone's mommy and if she is the only child who calls me mom I will consider myself blessed beyond measure.

Final!!!

That's right, Little Miss is officially ours!! Woohoo!! We met with the judge today and signed our final paperwork! We feel so incredibly blessed to have this little miracle in our family. I feel even more blessed that now I know without a doubt she is ours! 

The court appearance was short and sweet. We did have to wait 2 hrs to see the judge in a courtroom full of other people who had custody battles going on. For me it wasn't fun, but for my sweet 6 month old it was quite exhausting. She was so good and slept quite a bit but still. Finally a few lawyers couldn't be located so they stopped the custody battles to take care of the 2 adoption cases they had. Thank goodness!! We knew one lawyer who was there, the one they couldn't find, and he said he had 8 cases!! So my guess was we would've been there for a few more hours. When we sat with the judge he cleared the courtroom except for us and had us sign a few papers, made comments about how cute Little Miss is, and then took a few photos.  I think it took about 7 minutes. It was wonderful. 

Tomorrow we will have our little angel sealed to myself and DH for time and all eternity. As members of the LDS faith, or Mormon faith, we believe families are eternal. There is no "at death do you part" stuff for us. To learn more about what we believe about families click here. We have waited so long for our little family to have one more member and I can't believe the day has finally come! Then on Sunday DH will have the privileged to give her a blessing at our Sacrament service. It is all about Little Miss this weekend and I feel like I'm walking on sunshine! I just can't believe she is ours! 

First Mother's Day

My first Mother's Day as a mother was amazing. DH made breakfast in bed, we had a great brunch at church and a yummy dinner, also prepared by DH. The one thing that was a little different for me than most mothers, well at least from what they have told me, I had no desire to give up "baby-duty" all day. I changed diapers, fed, dressed, and just loved on Little Miss all day long. I just wanted to hold and basque in her chubby baby-ness all day.

IF has made me a better mother. I'm not judging mothers who need days off. It is a hard job and we all need a break. DH did get up with her at 6:30 am for her first feeding and let me sleep until 7:15. It was glorious. But I really wanted to just spend every second with her. And I really feel if she had come 9 years ago like I had planned I wouldn't have the same appreciation. How can you know how sweet something can be without the bitter? I appreciate her and not a day goes by that I don't think about what it was like before her. Those were dark days for me. No, my battle with IF isn't over, it may never be, but I will always be her mommy. I am eternally grateful for that. Only tears of joy shed yesterday!

Signed!! AND Introducing Little Miss...

M and BD went on Tuesday to sign away their rights!! They both opted to sign the final termination of rights so there is no grace period. That means little miss is ours!! Yes I know we still have to wait for the judge to sign off and blah blah blah, but in my mind it is pretty close to being done! I'm so excited!! I feel like a huge weight has been taken from my shoulders. I told DH two nights ago while we were celebrating with some froyo that I felt like she was finally ours. He was floored and said you haven't thought that the whole time?!?! I told him yes I always knew from the moment I knew she was coming she was meant to be ours BUT I knew that until all their paperwork was signed that she wasn't legally ours. My love for her is constant. I have wanted to spend every moment with her since the second M told us her plans. It was hard living in different cities over an hour away and not being able to be there all the time while she was still growing in M. I guess that IF has taught me never to count my chickens before they hatch. So even if my heart was "all in" from the moment I knew about her, my mind still had one tiny part that liked to remind me it could all fall apart. I don't know if every adoptive mom feels this way, this is my journey and this is how I feel. I never would've guessed it would take 5 months to sign TPR but that is how our adoption went. State of CA adoptions are funny. Good thing we are good people who have had this little darling with us for the last 5 months. HAAHA!

So without further ado, allow me to introduce Little Miss...

Pictures have been removed. Sorry.

We gave her my middle name and her first name came to me the Sunday before we even knew if she was a boy or a girl while sitting in church. I don't know that I will leave the pics up forever, after all this is an anonymous blog, but I couldn't not share her with all of you. She is our whole world and the women (and maybe some men) I have shared this road with needed to meet her. She is truly the greatest gift our Heavenly Father has ever given us. We are incredibly blessed. 

Cured

I was talking to a good friend the other day on the phone and we were talking about trails. She mentioned that we all have different trials and some have 9 years of infertility or a sick child or they lose a spouse... so on and so forth. It was interesting because it seemed to me like she was saying that WAS my trial, but now that Little Miss is here that part of my life is over. I don't consider my trail of infertility to be over. Yes, we are EXTREMELY blessed to have a precious little girl in our family who came through the miracle of adoption; but just because I'm now a mom doesn't mean my trial is over. The fact is it is likely my husband and I will never be able to have biological children and they certainly are unlikely to come though rolling around in the hay. We will never be one of those families that has a new baby in our home every 2 years like we had originally envisioned for our family.

Motherhood does not mean any woman is suddenly fertile. So why do so many people think that just because I have joyously joined the mommy club that struggle is over for me?? Infertility is a lifelong trial. Even after we have passed the child bearing years there will still be a piece of me that will wear the IF badge.

I'm not saying I'm not grateful for my little girl. I am beyond thrilled she is here and came the miraculous way she did! And I can honestly say that having her really takes away a lot of the pain from IF. I don't think about it all day every day like I did before. Now my longing for more children is so she can have siblings. I want that for her so badly, but if it never happens, so be it. I am 100% content being her mommy. I try to not take one second for granted and so what if I rock her to sleep and don't train her to put herself to sleep in her crib. I won't still be rocking her to sleep when she's 7. There is only so many days I get to enjoy each of these little baby moments and chances are she will be our only baby. So I'm loving every second of it and not hoping she moves to the next milestone too quickly.

Motherhood at 30 after nine years of TTC is so different than motherhood at 21 after one month TTC. I think I'm a better mother to her now than I ever could've been had she come when I thought she would. I'm not saying 21 yr old moms are bad, I'm just saying the perspective we IF ladies have gives us something special. And for that I am so grateful. I just wish people could understand that having a child or 4 doesn't mean you are no longer infertile, it means you were given the incredible gift of motherhood. They are not the same.

Update

I promise we are still alive! I had two dear bloggy friends contact me today to check in. I guess that's the nudge I needed to get back to this space to update those of you who are still reading.

Little miss is 3.5 months old!! She seems to be doing amazing new things daily. She giggles a lot and can roll over from her tummy to her back. She sleeps through the night, yeah! She loves her binki, bamboo blanket from A&A, and playing with mommy and daddy. She hates her carseat and tummy time. She just started taking naps in her crib and isn't sure how she feels about that. Thank goodness for our Angel Care Monitor that is making that possible. I still run up and down the stairs to check on her every 5 min but hey it's progress. She just started fitting into 3 month clothing! The girl has over 60 outfits to wear that are 3 month size so here's to hoping it takes her a while to move to 6 months.

TPR still have yet to be signed. Like I have said before, when you are going through the state of CA no one cares or is in any kind of hurry to get these things done. We just continue to pray and wait as we care for our darling girl. We have faith it will all be ok. We know the BM is waiting for he BD to sign before she does just to be sure he doesn't try anything. She is still so amazing and so happy! She has no doubt she made the right decision. I text the BD weekly about small talk stuff and he seems to still 100% stand by the adoption so I'm not sure why he hasn't taken care of his part. So if you would like to send prayers our way it would be appreciated!!

All in all life is beautiful and amazing! I'm officially a SAHM! I love every second I get to spend with my girl. We have so much fun together throughout the day. I have never felt so blessed in all my life.

Thank you

A big thank you to Hannah over at Life Happens. She sent little miss the cutest little outfit!

We love it! Thank you for thinking of us Hannah! 

Coming up... Little miss turned 1 month old last Friday! Time is flying by!! An update is on the way. 

PS To those who would like to see a pic or know the name we selected for little miss email me here. I'm not ready to share that info just yet on the blog. TPR STILL are signed away so I want to wait just a little longer. 

Update...

Nothing new to report. Little miss is doing great and we fall more in love daily. Since our adoption is an independent/relative adoption everything is done by the state, which basically means no one cares and it will get done someday. I called yesterday to talk to them just to see if they have entered our paperwork we filed on 11/16 and the rude lady told me they would get to it when they could. The clerk was out and they only have one and frankly she didn't know when she would be back. "She could be out on leave or on vacation. I don't know when she will be back ma'am." That's what she told me after I asked if I could speak to her. Lame! So this is just another test Heavenly Father has given me, to be patient and realize I am still not in control and I need to have faith. So it looks like TPR will be sign when the dumb clerk gets back and decides she would like to enter our info. Luckily I have an amazing little girl to keep me distracted and I don't have a lot of time to worry about all of that. And honestly, everyday she is with us she feels more like ours. I told DH a few days ago that I literally feel like I gave birth to her. I don't know how some people can say adopted kids are "never really yours" because I can't imagine this feeling any different if she came from my womb. My prayer is that everything goes smoothly and she will be ours legally before we know it.

She's Here!!!

Our miracle was born at 2:43 pm on 11/14/12. Weighing in at 7 lbs 1 oz, 20 inches long. She is perfection and I have never been so in love. TPR have yet to be signed, so legally she isn't ours... yet. But she feels like ours. Hoping and praying things run smoothly and she will be ours in every way before we know it! Pictures and name to follow. Love to all who have followed our amazing journey! This is not the end, only the beginning.

Flood gates are opening

Just a quick note to say M's water broke at 12:12 am. We are packing up and headed to the hospital. By this time tomorrow we should have a new member in our little family!! Wish us luck!

Showered with love

Last week was the week of showers. I had my first one on Monday with all of my work ladies and then my family/church friend one Saturday. Both were so beautiful and amazing. People were so generous. I could not believe the gifts I received. It was wonderful.

It was a little awkward to be opening baby gifts. It is getting more real that in less then 4 weeks we will have a newborn in our home... But at the same time it is just so strange. We haven't had the normal 9 months to prepare. I am actually super grateful that we only had 4 months instead of the normal 9, well since we are adopting. I can't imagine going through the roller-coaster of emotions for 9 whole months. It is quite a blessing she found out as late as she did. Did I mention she attended my shower on Saturday? It was surreal thinking my daughter was at my shower even if she wasn't growing in my uterus. M was wonderful and talked to all my fun friends and had a great time. It was so nice to have her there.

A little M update: She went in today for her appt and they said she is a fingertip dilated and her cervix is nice and soft. She said she had a few contractions last night that weren't painful or regular but they were noticeable. She said she can feel baby girl down low now and has a lot of pressure and pain way down low. I have no clue if that means she will be here in a week or three but I am excited she is progressing. She will be 37 weeks on Thursday, so little miss can come anytime now. I am still kind of hoping she will at least wait until the 1st so she can have a November birthday. We don't have any birthdays in November on either side of our family, so I just like the idea of this special little spirit having her own birthday month. (It is the only month without a birthday and, with an extended family as large as ours, it's amazing we have a whole month without a birthday.)

I getting more excited as time passes and a bit less nervous. I have come to accept that this is 100% out of my hands and turning it over to my Heavenly Father is all I can do. His ways are higher than ours and only He knows the plan. I won't lie, there are still moments when I freak out a little but I say a quick prayer and refocus and am able to ground myself again.

So now that we are in the final stretch, what are some must have items I need for our little newborn? Other than a crib, car seat, diapers, and clothes. We have the basics, but what are some of the extra items you had that kept you, DH, and baby sane?