Monday, August 6, 2012

First bad telling

I talked to an old friend today to tell her our very exciting news and was so disappointed by her response. This friend and I got married within months of each other and our lives paralleled for the first few years. Well until she conceived easily again, again, and again. She is currently pregnant with baby boy #4, due in early October. She called a few months ago to tell me she was expecting once again and I was overjoyed for her. I was sad she was not having a girl, not that there is anything wrong with having all boys, but she seemed fine with it and said she knew how to parent boys so another boy was fine.

So when I wrote her on F.B and told her our news, and then she called, I thought there would be excitement and maybe even tears of joy. She knows our struggles and how long it has taken us to get to this point. Instead I was met with skepticism and awkwardness. I felt like I was "selling" the idea to her the entire phone conversation.  I kept telling her the things that M was telling us that made me feel so reassured and how excited we were... nothing, no emotion, no excitement. So then I felt like I had to back track and tell her I knew adoption was never a sure thing and it could fall through at any moment. I felt awful hashing this out. I have been so positive the last few days and telling her I knew we may still be childless come November was hard. When I told DH about it he asked why I did that. I really don't know. I just wasn't getting a response so I guess I just kept talking. It was the worst reaction I have been met with to date. Thankfully most people we have told, which is still just a handful, are overjoyed and so happy for us. So why not this friend?

I don't know if it has something to do with baby being a girl or maybe she just didn't know how to relate to me now that I could possibly be joining her club. I don't think I will ever know why she reacted the way she did. I know I just need to let it go and move on... but it just bothered me. I was excited when she called me about her pregnancy. This is what she told me, "I had a friend in our last city that adopted her two kids, and as much as I hate being pregnant, I am so grateful I don't have to go through that! It was awful to watch." She didn't elaborate on what was so "awful" about the situation and I didn't care to ask. Yes, adoption is not the original plan I had for how our children would come to our family, but right now it is the plan for us and it has been so miraculous, I can't imagine having this little girl come into our family any other way. I get that there are still hard things to come and relationships to work out. Our daughter will have a birth mom and that has the potential to be an amazing relationship between all 4 (me, DH, baby, and M) of us, but it can also be trying at times.

I got off the phone and had no desire to talk to her ever again. I know dramatic, but it hurt. Even my MIL who is extremely pessimistic was ready to "dance in the street" when we told her the news. (This is the same woman who was telling me she knew our IVF only had a 20% chance of working days before I started stims and that we were wasting our $$.)  Why is it so hard for people to just let go of their reservations and just share in our joy. If something does go wrong, thinking about it now won't make it easier to swallow in the end. So I have chosen to be happy and excited and to prepare her nursery. I don't think it is too much to ask for others to join in the celebration. We have waited 8 years for this baby. Have a little faith!

Wednesday, August 1, 2012


The day of the gender reveal when we met with M we ran to Tar.get so I could buy something PINK! Like I said in my earlier post, I am all in with this baby and was so ready to let myself enjoy this miraculous moment. The baby section is usually avoided at all costs, so it was strange to let myself take it in and even enjoy shopping for MY baby. About half way through the trip I was ready to run. It was too much and I couldn't get out of that store fast enough. I felt overwhelmed and lost in a sea of clothes, highchairs, blankets and bottles.

A few days later while visiting my mom she suggested we check out cribs, since that will be her gift to our baby. I was anxious as we entered the parking lot of Bab.ies R Us, but once we walked through the doors I relaxed. I still felt like a TOTAL impostor surrounded by huge bellies and new babies. I felt like everyone was looking at me wondering who let the infertile into their club. I desperately wanted to look at rockers but couldn't because 4 very pregnant ladies were occupying that section and I wasn't quite ready to breach that circle. But all in all I survived. I even bought a few cute things for little miss.

I wonder if that "impostor" feeling will ever fully go away. Will it once I am actually a mom? Will it if I someday have the privileged to carry and bare one of my children? I don't know. I am not exaggerating when I say I felt like all eyes were one me when we were checking out cribs. I felt like I had a huge red "I" tattooed across my forehead.

When we transition into motherhood we are still as infertile as we were the years before baby. (No matter how they come.) So all those emotions, pain and self-loathing come with us and maybe they never fully leave. IF leaves a scar across our hearts that never heals correctly. It is ugly and nasty and changes us in both good and bad ways. I hope that as we welcome this little miracle into our lives that the feelings of shame and embarrassment that I cannot and my never bare one of my children starts to fade away so that I can be the mother she needs and deserves. I don't want to feel like an impostor but I know I will never really "fit in" either. Is there a happy medium?