Monday, August 6, 2012

First bad telling

I talked to an old friend today to tell her our very exciting news and was so disappointed by her response. This friend and I got married within months of each other and our lives paralleled for the first few years. Well until she conceived easily again, again, and again. She is currently pregnant with baby boy #4, due in early October. She called a few months ago to tell me she was expecting once again and I was overjoyed for her. I was sad she was not having a girl, not that there is anything wrong with having all boys, but she seemed fine with it and said she knew how to parent boys so another boy was fine.

So when I wrote her on F.B and told her our news, and then she called, I thought there would be excitement and maybe even tears of joy. She knows our struggles and how long it has taken us to get to this point. Instead I was met with skepticism and awkwardness. I felt like I was "selling" the idea to her the entire phone conversation.  I kept telling her the things that M was telling us that made me feel so reassured and how excited we were... nothing, no emotion, no excitement. So then I felt like I had to back track and tell her I knew adoption was never a sure thing and it could fall through at any moment. I felt awful hashing this out. I have been so positive the last few days and telling her I knew we may still be childless come November was hard. When I told DH about it he asked why I did that. I really don't know. I just wasn't getting a response so I guess I just kept talking. It was the worst reaction I have been met with to date. Thankfully most people we have told, which is still just a handful, are overjoyed and so happy for us. So why not this friend?

I don't know if it has something to do with baby being a girl or maybe she just didn't know how to relate to me now that I could possibly be joining her club. I don't think I will ever know why she reacted the way she did. I know I just need to let it go and move on... but it just bothered me. I was excited when she called me about her pregnancy. This is what she told me, "I had a friend in our last city that adopted her two kids, and as much as I hate being pregnant, I am so grateful I don't have to go through that! It was awful to watch." She didn't elaborate on what was so "awful" about the situation and I didn't care to ask. Yes, adoption is not the original plan I had for how our children would come to our family, but right now it is the plan for us and it has been so miraculous, I can't imagine having this little girl come into our family any other way. I get that there are still hard things to come and relationships to work out. Our daughter will have a birth mom and that has the potential to be an amazing relationship between all 4 (me, DH, baby, and M) of us, but it can also be trying at times.

I got off the phone and had no desire to talk to her ever again. I know dramatic, but it hurt. Even my MIL who is extremely pessimistic was ready to "dance in the street" when we told her the news. (This is the same woman who was telling me she knew our IVF only had a 20% chance of working days before I started stims and that we were wasting our $$.)  Why is it so hard for people to just let go of their reservations and just share in our joy. If something does go wrong, thinking about it now won't make it easier to swallow in the end. So I have chosen to be happy and excited and to prepare her nursery. I don't think it is too much to ask for others to join in the celebration. We have waited 8 years for this baby. Have a little faith!


  1. I am so sorry! I remember that feeling too. My guess is she has never thought much about adoption and can't fathom the amazing JOY that it can bring. Adoptive moms have an "adoption story" of how their children came to them that is amazing and unique. Hold onto your joy and hope.

  2. So sorry your friend reacted in such a negative & unsupporting manner. Given her experience with pregnancy & children it sounds as though she'd have an extremely difficult time relating to anyone who's struggled with IF & it's unfortunate she didn't at least try. It's easy for someone who hasn't experienced the miracle of adoption or conceiving after IF to find the beauty and incredible joy that comes with that journey.
    When you hold your daughter in your arms all of the struggles, tears and heartache that brought her to you will begin to makes some sort of sense & overwhelming love and joy will envelope you. Hold tight to your faith and hope and let go of the people who are bringing nothing but negativity into your life. Sending continued thoughts & prayers for you as you prepare for your daughters arrival!

  3. I'm so sorry you had that reaction. People can be so insensistive. I would be done with her. Maybe that's harsh but your news should be celebrated!! Especially by someone who is considered a friend. Enjoy this wonderful time! You are not an imposter. You are about to become a mother. :) So awesome and amazing.

  4. Ugh! So so sorry you got this reaction. Like this isn't hard enough? I hope you can talk to your friend and some point and let her know how disappointing/hurtful this was.


  5. I, too, am sorry your friend reacted that way. It's uncalled for and rude. You have every reason to feel hurt by that, but don't dwell on her negativeness. You have EVERY reason and right to celebrate and move forward. I had a similar situation with someone about adoption. I was even told I was "jealous" because she got two toddlers when she adopted vs my one newborn baby boy. Jealous?! really?! about getting to be a mom?! Ugh, I know what you're going through. hang in there and let the negative roll off your back, you don't have time for that, after all, you're gonna be a momma soon!!!

  6. Sorry, but your friend seems like a total brat (or insert your own word here). It's bad enough that she was complaining about being pregnant, but to act like adoption is so much worse? And to not offer one shred of excitement or encouragement to you? What a brat.

  7. Oh my goodness.
    I can't even imagine dealing with a response like that.