The day of the gender reveal when we met with M we ran to Tar.get so I could buy something PINK! Like I said in my earlier post, I am all in with this baby and was so ready to let myself enjoy this miraculous moment. The baby section is usually avoided at all costs, so it was strange to let myself take it in and even enjoy shopping for MY baby. About half way through the trip I was ready to run. It was too much and I couldn't get out of that store fast enough. I felt overwhelmed and lost in a sea of clothes, highchairs, blankets and bottles.
A few days later while visiting my mom she suggested we check out cribs, since that will be her gift to our baby. I was anxious as we entered the parking lot of Bab.ies R Us, but once we walked through the doors I relaxed. I still felt like a TOTAL impostor surrounded by huge bellies and new babies. I felt like everyone was looking at me wondering who let the infertile into their club. I desperately wanted to look at rockers but couldn't because 4 very pregnant ladies were occupying that section and I wasn't quite ready to breach that circle. But all in all I survived. I even bought a few cute things for little miss.
I wonder if that "impostor" feeling will ever fully go away. Will it once I am actually a mom? Will it if I someday have the privileged to carry and bare one of my children? I don't know. I am not exaggerating when I say I felt like all eyes were one me when we were checking out cribs. I felt like I had a huge red "I" tattooed across my forehead.
When we transition into motherhood we are still as infertile as we were the years before baby. (No matter how they come.) So all those emotions, pain and self-loathing come with us and maybe they never fully leave. IF leaves a scar across our hearts that never heals correctly. It is ugly and nasty and changes us in both good and bad ways. I hope that as we welcome this little miracle into our lives that the feelings of shame and embarrassment that I cannot and my never bare one of my children starts to fade away so that I can be the mother she needs and deserves. I don't want to feel like an impostor but I know I will never really "fit in" either. Is there a happy medium?