UTI

Well I got a UTI (urinary tract infection) for Christmas. Yippee! Actually it really showed up on Monday. Man this thing is painful! I haven't had one since I was a little kid. In fact I had a kidney infection that almost killed me when I was 5. So the MD was a bit worried about it getting so bad so quickly this time. Apparently I have a lot of blood in my urine along with white blood cells. Just praying this antibiotic does the trick. Nothing like staring the New Year with an infection.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas. Thank you for all your wonderful comments on my last two posts. It has been a pretty rough year and I am ready to have some positive things to say on this blog again. Hope you all have a wonderful and safe New Year!

This Christmas...

...is So different from last year. Last year we were about to embark on our first IVF. I had my Jan appt scheduled with my RE. We were prepped and ready. There was such excitment in my heart as I hoped it would be our last as a family of two. I never imagined things would turn out the way they did. I did think we could possibly get a BFN, but to be honest, in my heart I believed it would work.

This year we are somewhat on the cusp on IVF #2. (Surely We will not be doing a Feb cycle like last year, possibly April or May) The difference is this time I have all the experiences of last cycle. So the excitment is gone. I am scared to do another cycle. Scared to fail, scared of the pain, scared of OHSS, scared to spend all that money, scared of the loss of control. I feel like we have a higher chance of sucess this time around due to the knowledge our RE will have from last cycle and the fact that we will have a new RE... I am just having a hard time getting over the fear. How do you ladies keep going, cycle after cycle?

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Out of it...

That pretty much sums up how I have felt the last few months. I am so sorry i have been MIA. I just dont feel like a lot of ttc stuff is going on right now. I am hoping to cycle again in the next 4-6 months. I have yet to pick a new clinic, but I figure we have plenty of time.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving! Ours was great. MIL drove me crazy, but that's nothing new. I wanted to say congrats to my two bloggy friends who just got BFP after their IUIs. I'm sorry I haven't been commenting. I have just needed a break and time to heal. 2010 was NOT our year. Between all the BFNs, OHSS, my grandma passing away, both of my parents being hospitalized with life threatening conditions, oh and throw on top DH losing his job a few weeks ago, it has been a rough year. (Yep, He is jobless once again. Really sucks, but we have saved all the money for IVF #2 and can afford to live on what I make.) I am so ready for the new year and the opportuinty to try again.

I really hope 2011 brings nothing but joy!

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I don't want your kids...

Why is it that friends and family seem to think that just because we are infertile we want their children?? I'm sure all of you have heard the comment, "oh you can have him/her," 146 times or more. This happened to me on Sunday right after church. There is a darling little girl in our ward who was in the primary class I taught a year ago. She loves to come and sit with me and DH. I adore her. I sometimes think that if we would've gotten pg within the first 6 months of ttc we could have a child her same age. This girl even looks like she could be mine and loves to bake! One of my friends made the comment that we could take her home and people would think she was ours. The friend then made the comment to her mother C, who is also a dear friend, and C said, "you can have her." I laughed and continued walking. That got me thinking... No I really don't want this sweet little girl, I want MY daughter. I want MY son. I love other people's children, but I don't really want them. I am grateful they are willing to share them so I can enjoy them for a bit. All of our friends have wonderful children who I love, but it isn't the same. So the next time someone offers to send their son or daughter my way I may just have to turn and say, "no thanks, I'm waiting for ours."

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Putting on the brakes

AF came on Monday. I was happy to see her and really thought I was ready to get this cycle going. But I could't bring myself to dial my RE's number. I thought, give it one more day and then try again. Nope. So we are not going to cycle this month, or maybe ever again with our last 3 embryos. I am really done with my RE and his office. I think it is time for a change. So for now we are saving for IVF #2. Hopefully we can find an new RE that will make our dreams come true.

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Lost again

So it seems my AF has gotten lost yet again. Today is cycle day 40. Man IVF has really screwed up my body. I feel no symptoms which is nice. Well I guess I am a but temperamental. For those wondering, no I haven't tested. I do have one hpt left and I think I may use it is she doesn't come in the next day or two. I really don't see how I could have a natural pregnancy, but God does work in mysterious ways. Still I do not have my hopes up that that is what is going on.

We have decided to do our last FET this cycle, well once AF arrives I can start bcp. We are looking at a transfer date around November 8th. I don't know quite how I feel just yet. It has become somewhat routine. I'm not excited, I feel like let's just get it over with. I want to do it before the end of the year so we don't have to meet our deductible again and to have treatment with this RE's office be finished. It will be easy. Since this is my 3rd transfer I totally know the routine and am going to take the reins. 2 ultrasounds and then our transfer. I thought the 3rd ultrasound they threw in last time was a total waste, so this time I am not doing it. My body has done basically the same thing both times and it is hard for me to go back and forth to their office. Plus after all that happened last time I am so over all of them. The less contact I have to have, the better.

During our little break I started to take some time for me. It has been wonderful. I started taking pi.ano lessons 2 weeks ago and I love it! I have wanted to learn since I was little and just never had the time with all the other things I was involved in. Well what better time then now?!? It has been a real challenge. I am not really musically inclined, but have picked it up rather quickly. I am not Beethoven, but I have come to love developing this talent. It gives me something else to focus on. Which I feel I desperately needed.

One last development, I was asked to use my baking skills for a co-workers child's party. I LOVE baking and am so excited for this opportunity. Nothing big, jut some creative little cookie treats that look like witch's brooms. I made them about 3 years ago for a work thing and she remembered and asked me to make them again. So it will be the first time I have been paid to bake. I am pretty excited.

Waiting for our cake...

I read this post on a fellow IF'ers blog. It is exactly what I needed today.Christine Dallimore at We are all mothers wrote a post about Infertility and Dessert. It is beautiful and amazing. I wanted to share it here.

Infertility and Dessert

Over the past several years, I have been confronted with many comments concerning my infertility journey. In my neck of the woods, not a whole lot of people can really understand the magnitude of the emotional luggage that comes with it. A lot of the comments have been something along the lines of....

"I wish I could understand your pain."

OR

"I can't imagine what it would be like to NOT be able to have children."

In response, I usually smile and say....

"Imagine that you have never tasted chocolate cake before. Others that have tell you time and time again how wonderful it is. Then the day comes where the chocolate cake is sitting right there in front of you. It does look amazing. You want it more than anything. You want to experience the joy of it yourself. It's right there in front of you, but no matter what, you just can't have it. You are told you must wait. Now take that feeling, multiply it by 100 and you may come close to how infertility feels!"

After that, they usually nod in acceptance. After all, who can't relate to CHOCOLATE CAKE?!?

When I am emotionally vulnerable, I write. Shortly after I lost Conner, I had so many emotions that I didn't even know where to begin to sort through them. Talk about never writing so much in all of my life! This little ditty is a small reflection of that time. It's still raw and it's not perfect. It does reflect my journey thus far however. It also expands a little bit more on what I talked about above. I'll warn you though- it is long winded!!!

"Imagine yourself dressed up in your finest clothes. You and your sweet husband are attending a dinner together in one of the nicest restaurants in town. You both have planned, waited and saved for this evening. To say the least, you are very excited! You and your husband arrive and the atmosphere is more than you expected. Everyone around you is having a good time. The chandeliers are sparkling, candles are glowing and sweet soft music is playing in the background. To your pleasant surprise you see others there you know. You are seated with them and in your heart you think there just couldn't be anything better!

The table is just exquisite. Breathtaking really. The people at your table begin to talk to you in jolly conversation. You glance at the menu and you don't even know where to begin! You look over everything slowly and carefully, especially the dessert menu! All of your life you have been hearing about this restaurant's marvellous and divine desserts. Deep in your heart, you have been looking forward to enjoying dessert the most!

Everyone at your table orders their food. For dessert they all order chocolate cake. You think, "Hey that sounds perfect. I'll have chocolate cake too please." The waiter nods in approval and quickly swifts off to put in your order. In the meantime, you are still enjoying the surroundings, the music and the company. You grab your husband's hand and sigh "Yes, life just couldn't get any better."

The food comes and everything looks just pleasing. Some of the things you tasted you really love, some of the things you didn't. Either way, you know that dessert is on it's way. That thought in and of itself is just exciting! Then you see him, your waiter! Your wonderful, blessed waiter with a silver tray full of plates of chocolate cake! He comes and starts handing out plates to those you know. You look at the cake and to put it simply, it looks just divine. You're even more excited now! The waiter comes to your side and then passes you and your husband. You are shocked and think there must be some mistake. you don't know what to do, but rather than make a fuss you think, "Just wait, I will get my chocolate cake soon too."

Those that have their dessert are going on and on about how amazing the taste is. You smile, you are truly happy for them. Deep down you are anxious and their feelings only feed your curiosity and desire. Then you see the waiter again and think, "Ahhh, here he is." You notice that he starts handing out seconds and thirds to those that have already had their piece of cake. Your husband doesn't notice, he's busy chatting with the fellow next to him! Deep down though you get a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. You know something is wrong, something is very, very wrong.

You ask the waiter, "Excuse me please. Where is my chocolate cake that I ordered"? The waiter just replies, "The baker has said that you must wait." He rushes off and not another word is said. Time goes on. You still enjoy the surroundings, the people and the conversations. All the while though, you can't get chocolate cake out of your mind. Time keeps creeping by and soon your husband notices too, "Where is our dessert?" You hold his hand and look into his loving eyes and think, "Even without chocolate cake, life is still good."

Time, however, creeps and it creeps. At moments it seems like it has even stopped. It's getting late and people are noticing you haven't received your dessert yet. Questions start arising and you just don't know how to respond. You look around other tables and notice that people are also getting their third, fourth and fifth servings of dessert. "Why" is all you have to lean upon. You notice that others have ordered things for dessert besides chocolate cake. There is cherry pie, brownie ice cream sundaes, raspberry cheesecakes and such. They seem just as pleased, if not more pleased with their desserts and you wonder, "Should I order cherry pie too"? You talk to the waiter and he simply says, "I'm sorry ma'am, you just need to be patient and wait."

You are starting to burn inside. Despite all of your best efforts you are beginning to boil. You really want to jump on top of the table and stomp while shouting, "Where is my chocolate cake." You don't though because you know that will get you no where! Instead you look around and notice that there are some that are refusing their chocolate cake. "It will make me fat" one says. "Ugh. I have enough already" another states. One woman, simply dumps her beautiful chocolate cake onto the floor.

As you look deeper around you, you notice there are a few others that are waiting too. Your heart goes out to them. You smile and wish there was something more you could do. You know their pain and it hurts. It really hurts.

Finally, the waiter comes and he has chocolate cake on that familiar beautiful silver platter...and he has enough for two. One for your husband and one for you! Your so elated with joy that you can't hardly stand it!!! You tell everyone at your table and they are just as happy for you. "We knew it would happen" they say. "You just needed to relax"! Little did they know that deep inside relaxing was the last thing you were feeling! You look at your husband. Tears are in both of your eyes. You carefully take a taste. It's such sweet, sweet perfection. You go to take another and just before you do the waiter comes and gently takes your plates away. "Something is wrong" he says. "Don't worry my dear, the time is soon."

There's confusion. Sadness. Anger. Above all though, you are just deeply and truly heartbroken. Heartbroken to the very core. You don't know what to do. You turn to others for support. They cry with you and too ask why. You take a deep breath and find the strength to go on. You have been given the promise that you will receive dessert. It is just not understood as to when. You decide to put your full trust in the baker. You reach far inside within yourself and find the effort to ask your husband to dance.

He looks at you and smiles..."Yes, I would love to dance with you my dear one." You both get up, leave the table and set off to dance.

As you are dancing, you get your bearings. You again begin to notice your surroundings. The beautiful surroundings that have so magically grabbed your attention in the first place. You remember the music, the sounds, the smell of the sweet flowers. You breath. That's all you can do. You breath and slowly begin to enjoy the moment again. Slowly, it all comes back to you. The things you love. Being with the person you love the most. The pains you have just felt are still there. Still vulnerable, but you feel life again. Yes, life is still good.

After quite a few dances, you both decide it's time to sit at your table. People still have their desserts and their chocolate cakes. Your space is still empty. You decide, however, to really focus on those around you. In doing so you find more joy. The desire for dessert is still there- but it's manageable. Time moves on.

Then suddenly, out of nowhere, your waiter appears. He has the biggest smile on his face. He is pleased to announce that you and your husband's dessert is finally here!! Your heart wells up with joy, but you're afraid too. You ask the waiter, "Will you take it away"? "No, this one was made especially for you." You smile back, hardly believing that this could be true or real. You look at it and it's not a dessert you have ever seen before. It's then that you realize that the baker has made a dessert with all of your favorite colors and flavors. Careful detail was lovingly taken into every consideration. "How did He know that this is exactly what I wanted"? The waiter just smiles and says, "Because he knows and loves you." If you look, you can see him there. You look and at the door, through the little round window you see a gentle man with tears in his eyes. He is grinning from ear to ear and looking at you and your husband. You can't hardly see anymore because of all of the happy tears. You whisper a big "Thank You" and in your heart you feel that this simple phrase will never be enough.

You look at the people around you, they too have tears in their eyes. They too are smiling from ear to ear. Everything is so precious and tender now- even more so than when you first arrived here. It's then that you learn that the pains you have felt all along the way. The waiting, the crying, the agony. It's all been a special recipe to make this moment this much more wonderful and sacred.

In your soul you take a deep breath and slowly let out a big sigh of gratitude.

You grab your husband's hand and sigh again, "Yes, life just couldn't get any better."

Feb - 2003

By Christine Dallimore

I'm an aunt! (Again)

DH's younger sister (although she is still 3 years older than me) had her baby today! Baby boy was born at 10:30 am. DH called to give me the news and he was so sad. In fact he freaked me out, I thought something happened to SIL or the baby. Turns out all is well, he was just very upset we can't have kids. I felt good and bad at the same time. Good - because he is really starting to feel this pain I have been dealing with for YEARS. Bad - well because he has to feel that pain. I don't think either of us really thought it would take this long. Oh well, onward and upward.

Good bye 27, hello 28!

Today is my 28th birthday. Last year I wrote this post about the life I had imagined I would be living by the time I turned 27. Now here I am, another year older and still in the same place.

This year I will not be sad about the life I thought I would have by 28. I have plenty of time to live that life. Today I am just grateful for the life I have, for my friends and family. I am thankful that 27 is gone and a new year of life is just beginning. 28 will be a great year! No matter what the state of my uterus is. Bring it on!

Next step

Not quite sure what we will do next. We do still have the 3 Day1 embryos left, but given that it took 6 to get 2 ok ones, I am not very hopeful about them. Plus my last cycle was a living crap fest! That really makes me think twice about jumping right back into things. I have a blog about my RE office I am going to post eventually. I am so fed up with them! Needless to say we will be looking for another office for IVF #2.

We are now in saving mode again. It looks like it will be at least 6 months before we can afford to do this all again. Which makes me feel sad but also relieved. Let's face it, this IVF thing is not easy and my cycle history has been extra fun, with OHSS and side effects up the ying-yang. I am kind of happy we have to take a break. And I think we will will re-evaluate what we really want to do. Yes, we did this before our first cycle, but things are very different now. Bottom line, I want to be a mom and being pregnant isn't as important as it use to be for me. After having so much fun on hormones I wonder if I will be able to handle being pregnant. I am kind of scared of it now. Does that sounds totally crazy??? I feel pretty crazy these days.

AF finally showed up yesterday, so I am hoping my body/emotional state will go back to normal now that I am not all hopped up on hormones. I have my WTF appointment next week, but I'm not really sure I am ready for it. So I may cancel. I just want this to be over with.

Bummer

Negative...

Not surprised but devastated.

Still alive

I am still here. Just laying low. My 2ww is almost over and I feel, well, peaceful. I know I will not die if I get another BFN. I am stronger than that. I really hope we get our miracle this month, but I need to trust in the Lord and His timing and His plan. Deep breaths.