Signed!! AND Introducing Little Miss...

M and BD went on Tuesday to sign away their rights!! They both opted to sign the final termination of rights so there is no grace period. That means little miss is ours!! Yes I know we still have to wait for the judge to sign off and blah blah blah, but in my mind it is pretty close to being done! I'm so excited!! I feel like a huge weight has been taken from my shoulders. I told DH two nights ago while we were celebrating with some froyo that I felt like she was finally ours. He was floored and said you haven't thought that the whole time?!?! I told him yes I always knew from the moment I knew she was coming she was meant to be ours BUT I knew that until all their paperwork was signed that she wasn't legally ours. My love for her is constant. I have wanted to spend every moment with her since the second M told us her plans. It was hard living in different cities over an hour away and not being able to be there all the time while she was still growing in M. I guess that IF has taught me never to count my chickens before they hatch. So even if my heart was "all in" from the moment I knew about her, my mind still had one tiny part that liked to remind me it could all fall apart. I don't know if every adoptive mom feels this way, this is my journey and this is how I feel. I never would've guessed it would take 5 months to sign TPR but that is how our adoption went. State of CA adoptions are funny. Good thing we are good people who have had this little darling with us for the last 5 months. HAAHA!

So without further ado, allow me to introduce Little Miss...

Pictures have been removed. Sorry.

We gave her my middle name and her first name came to me the Sunday before we even knew if she was a boy or a girl while sitting in church. I don't know that I will leave the pics up forever, after all this is an anonymous blog, but I couldn't not share her with all of you. She is our whole world and the women (and maybe some men) I have shared this road with needed to meet her. She is truly the greatest gift our Heavenly Father has ever given us. We are incredibly blessed. 

Cured

I was talking to a good friend the other day on the phone and we were talking about trails. She mentioned that we all have different trials and some have 9 years of infertility or a sick child or they lose a spouse... so on and so forth. It was interesting because it seemed to me like she was saying that WAS my trial, but now that Little Miss is here that part of my life is over. I don't consider my trail of infertility to be over. Yes, we are EXTREMELY blessed to have a precious little girl in our family who came through the miracle of adoption; but just because I'm now a mom doesn't mean my trial is over. The fact is it is likely my husband and I will never be able to have biological children and they certainly are unlikely to come though rolling around in the hay. We will never be one of those families that has a new baby in our home every 2 years like we had originally envisioned for our family.

Motherhood does not mean any woman is suddenly fertile. So why do so many people think that just because I have joyously joined the mommy club that struggle is over for me?? Infertility is a lifelong trial. Even after we have passed the child bearing years there will still be a piece of me that will wear the IF badge.

I'm not saying I'm not grateful for my little girl. I am beyond thrilled she is here and came the miraculous way she did! And I can honestly say that having her really takes away a lot of the pain from IF. I don't think about it all day every day like I did before. Now my longing for more children is so she can have siblings. I want that for her so badly, but if it never happens, so be it. I am 100% content being her mommy. I try to not take one second for granted and so what if I rock her to sleep and don't train her to put herself to sleep in her crib. I won't still be rocking her to sleep when she's 7. There is only so many days I get to enjoy each of these little baby moments and chances are she will be our only baby. So I'm loving every second of it and not hoping she moves to the next milestone too quickly.

Motherhood at 30 after nine years of TTC is so different than motherhood at 21 after one month TTC. I think I'm a better mother to her now than I ever could've been had she come when I thought she would. I'm not saying 21 yr old moms are bad, I'm just saying the perspective we IF ladies have gives us something special. And for that I am so grateful. I just wish people could understand that having a child or 4 doesn't mean you are no longer infertile, it means you were given the incredible gift of motherhood. They are not the same.

Update

I promise we are still alive! I had two dear bloggy friends contact me today to check in. I guess that's the nudge I needed to get back to this space to update those of you who are still reading.

Little miss is 3.5 months old!! She seems to be doing amazing new things daily. She giggles a lot and can roll over from her tummy to her back. She sleeps through the night, yeah! She loves her binki, bamboo blanket from A&A, and playing with mommy and daddy. She hates her carseat and tummy time. She just started taking naps in her crib and isn't sure how she feels about that. Thank goodness for our Angel Care Monitor that is making that possible. I still run up and down the stairs to check on her every 5 min but hey it's progress. She just started fitting into 3 month clothing! The girl has over 60 outfits to wear that are 3 month size so here's to hoping it takes her a while to move to 6 months.

TPR still have yet to be signed. Like I have said before, when you are going through the state of CA no one cares or is in any kind of hurry to get these things done. We just continue to pray and wait as we care for our darling girl. We have faith it will all be ok. We know the BM is waiting for he BD to sign before she does just to be sure he doesn't try anything. She is still so amazing and so happy! She has no doubt she made the right decision. I text the BD weekly about small talk stuff and he seems to still 100% stand by the adoption so I'm not sure why he hasn't taken care of his part. So if you would like to send prayers our way it would be appreciated!!

All in all life is beautiful and amazing! I'm officially a SAHM! I love every second I get to spend with my girl. We have so much fun together throughout the day. I have never felt so blessed in all my life.

Thank you

A big thank you to Hannah over at Life Happens. She sent little miss the cutest little outfit!

We love it! Thank you for thinking of us Hannah! 

Coming up... Little miss turned 1 month old last Friday! Time is flying by!! An update is on the way. 

PS To those who would like to see a pic or know the name we selected for little miss email me here. I'm not ready to share that info just yet on the blog. TPR STILL are signed away so I want to wait just a little longer. 

Update...

Nothing new to report. Little miss is doing great and we fall more in love daily. Since our adoption is an independent/relative adoption everything is done by the state, which basically means no one cares and it will get done someday. I called yesterday to talk to them just to see if they have entered our paperwork we filed on 11/16 and the rude lady told me they would get to it when they could. The clerk was out and they only have one and frankly she didn't know when she would be back. "She could be out on leave or on vacation. I don't know when she will be back ma'am." That's what she told me after I asked if I could speak to her. Lame! So this is just another test Heavenly Father has given me, to be patient and realize I am still not in control and I need to have faith. So it looks like TPR will be sign when the dumb clerk gets back and decides she would like to enter our info. Luckily I have an amazing little girl to keep me distracted and I don't have a lot of time to worry about all of that. And honestly, everyday she is with us she feels more like ours. I told DH a few days ago that I literally feel like I gave birth to her. I don't know how some people can say adopted kids are "never really yours" because I can't imagine this feeling any different if she came from my womb. My prayer is that everything goes smoothly and she will be ours legally before we know it.

She's Here!!!

Our miracle was born at 2:43 pm on 11/14/12. Weighing in at 7 lbs 1 oz, 20 inches long. She is perfection and I have never been so in love. TPR have yet to be signed, so legally she isn't ours... yet. But she feels like ours. Hoping and praying things run smoothly and she will be ours in every way before we know it! Pictures and name to follow. Love to all who have followed our amazing journey! This is not the end, only the beginning.

Flood gates are opening

Just a quick note to say M's water broke at 12:12 am. We are packing up and headed to the hospital. By this time tomorrow we should have a new member in our little family!! Wish us luck!

Showered with love

Last week was the week of showers. I had my first one on Monday with all of my work ladies and then my family/church friend one Saturday. Both were so beautiful and amazing. People were so generous. I could not believe the gifts I received. It was wonderful.

It was a little awkward to be opening baby gifts. It is getting more real that in less then 4 weeks we will have a newborn in our home... But at the same time it is just so strange. We haven't had the normal 9 months to prepare. I am actually super grateful that we only had 4 months instead of the normal 9, well since we are adopting. I can't imagine going through the roller-coaster of emotions for 9 whole months. It is quite a blessing she found out as late as she did. Did I mention she attended my shower on Saturday? It was surreal thinking my daughter was at my shower even if she wasn't growing in my uterus. M was wonderful and talked to all my fun friends and had a great time. It was so nice to have her there.

A little M update: She went in today for her appt and they said she is a fingertip dilated and her cervix is nice and soft. She said she had a few contractions last night that weren't painful or regular but they were noticeable. She said she can feel baby girl down low now and has a lot of pressure and pain way down low. I have no clue if that means she will be here in a week or three but I am excited she is progressing. She will be 37 weeks on Thursday, so little miss can come anytime now. I am still kind of hoping she will at least wait until the 1st so she can have a November birthday. We don't have any birthdays in November on either side of our family, so I just like the idea of this special little spirit having her own birthday month. (It is the only month without a birthday and, with an extended family as large as ours, it's amazing we have a whole month without a birthday.)

I getting more excited as time passes and a bit less nervous. I have come to accept that this is 100% out of my hands and turning it over to my Heavenly Father is all I can do. His ways are higher than ours and only He knows the plan. I won't lie, there are still moments when I freak out a little but I say a quick prayer and refocus and am able to ground myself again.

So now that we are in the final stretch, what are some must have items I need for our little newborn? Other than a crib, car seat, diapers, and clothes. We have the basics, but what are some of the extra items you had that kept you, DH, and baby sane?

Break Time

We're headed out this weekend for our Babym.oon. Time for a little R&R while we still have time and money to get away. We'll drive over to Mont.ery tongith and be there until Sunday afternoon. A lot of parents told us we need to have a little getaway before the baby comes and one suggestion was all DH needed to make it a reality. We are both excited to take a break from all the insanity for a few days and just be us.

In other news, my first baby shower is on Monday. This is my work shower. I'm excited and nervous. The office I work in threw me a mini shower with cake and a few gifts a week ago and it was awkward to open baby gifts. I felt like an impostor. This is what IF for 8+ years will do to a girl's mind. So we'll see how it goes Monday will a lot more people and gifts.

Appointment

First thank you to all you ladies who commented on my last post. Those were some great suggestions and I had so many good questions going in. The "interview" went really well and I like her. We are going to stick with her. We didn't interview any of the other 5 pediatricians in our area, but she comes highly recommended and really there are only 6 total pediatricians here. She took us right back when we got there and was more than happy to spend all the time we needed with her to answer our questions, even with a full waiting room. They do have a "well baby" room separate from the normal waiting room for well baby appointments. I asked about formula and she said to buy whatever is on sale. (More on breast feeding later) She said to include one extra blanket when baby sleeps for the first few months. It really doesn't get super cold here so I don't need to bundle her up like an eskimo. She said the only shot they give in the hospital is for Hepatitis B and it's no big deal. She was laid back and honest and is a mother of three herself. She applauded M and her decision to place and couldn't say enough how much she admired her maturity and selflessness. (Which I appreciated.) So we have a pediatrician! YEAH! One more thing to check off the list.

M is 5 1/2 weeks away from delivery and we are getting more excited and anxious with each passing day. She doesn't seem to ever falter in her decision to place. She is so excited about everything. I have really tried to shift my focus the last few days to putting my trust in my Heavenly Father and no one else. It has made a huge difference. Not that I don't trust M, it's just I need faith in a higher power. I need to have faith that He knows the outcome and is taking care of me and M and little miss. He is our loving Father and wants what's best for all of us. So instead of wondering how M will ever be able to make such a hard and life-changing decision I know that He will help her make it and is already holding our hands through all of this. It has been such an amazing and miraculous journey already and baby isn't even here yet. What a blessing to be chosen to be her eternal family. 

Pediatrician Visit, HELP!

Ok ladies, I need your help. We have our first interview with a pediatrician here in town and I have no idea what to ask! Well, I shouldn't say that. I am going to ask about formula, shots, and how many blankets I need to use to keep little miss warm. (I had a friend tell me babies need to wear 1-2 layers more clothing/blankets than adults do. Then I had someone else tell me that is crazy and they need protection early on but they are little humans and don't need to be bundled up all the time. Hence the question I need answered.) So now I turn to you. What are some things I need to ask her? I am going to google some questions too, but you ladies are my best resource! Thanks in advance for your help.

PS I know I am a lame blogger lately. Sorry. 

PPS Can I juts say how amazing it is we are interviewing a pediatrician today!! Squeal! Love it!!

Well..

Things are going well over here. I have a few posts brewing in my head, breastfeeding (I'm going to give it my all), baby showers, nursery decorating, and so much more. Getting ready for a baby is the most exciting and exhausting thing I have ever done! (Planning our wedding was a very close second.) I want to thank Mrs. D'Amico for asking how I'm doing and bringing me back to my space. Know that things are going great! M and our little one are doing well and growing like crazy! Our prayers are with her daily that the blessings of our Heavenly Father will be poured upon her head. She is doing something no one else can do for us. We feel constant awe and gratitude for her and for our Heavenly Father from whom all blessings flow.

Back soon...