Canceled

I went in for my last monitoring appt today at a local US office. SInce a tech was performing the US and not a MD I didn't get to see the screen. She let me see what my ovaries looked like on the screen after she was done, not super helpful. I have been feeling like maybe we should pull the plug on this cycle since Monday and learning I only had 4-7 good follicles. So I've been praying and thinking about it. Today when my RE's office called to tell me my retrieval would be Saturday I told her I need to speak to the RE. He called me back and said I had 3 follicles about 20  and 3 around 17. So maybe 6 eggs total. That wasn't enough for me. I'm 33, I shouldn't have responded so poorly. He said that about 1/2 of my eggs should be normal too, last visit, so then we are looking at 1-3 eggs. UGH! I told him I couldn't continue with the way things were going. He understood. But wants to try again in a few months. I want to find another clinic.

 I feel like the lady who just keeps jumping ship. First with the adoption and now this. But both times I have felt peace about our decision. So that's what I need to go with. This time I just couldn't spend the $6k we were going to drop on anesthesia and the lab fees for 6 possible eggs. Last time we had 21 and 0 babies. I just need more to feel like it will work.

So here we are again. Back to square one... But with each failure we learn. So not all is lost.

Trying to be grateful

Stims Day 8 and today was my first monitoring appt at the office. Let's start with the good news:

1. I am not at risk for OHSS this time around
2. I will not be coasting so I should have better quality eggs
3. We are headed for a fresh transfer once eggs are fertilized!!

Now the not so good news is this protocol seems to make my ovaries lazy. I have felt bloated for DAYS and was sure I was growing a good 20+ eggs. Nope, not even close. He measured a total of 7 follicles. Yep 7.... I was devastated. He said, "you are a reproductive endocrinologists worst nightmare. You either produce way too many eggs or nothing at all." Great. He is confident we should have at least 4 good ones in there and he said 50% at my age should be chromosomally normal. So now we'er down to two. And given my hubby has super crappy sperm maybe just one. I want to cry and throw a tantrum like my 3 year old. He didn't want to cancel. I don't really want to cancel. But am I doing all of this for one (maybe) embryo. If I was guaranteed that embroy would be one healthy baby I would do it without thinking twice. But let's be real for just a second. Last time I had 21 eggs, 17 fertilized, only 5 were good enough to transfer over two FET. And we ended with 0 babies. I know IVF is not a numbers game but the stats sure aren't on our side. Yesterday I was feeling good and was sure this was our time. Today I just want to crawl in bed and cry.

The worst part is this is what I have been praying for. I wanted to not overstimulate and be able to do a fresh transfer. So not only do I feel deflated that there isn't much going on, I feel guilty for feeling that way. UGH!

Next US is Thursday and then we are thinking a retrieval on Saturday. Pray for me...

Stims Day 6

This time around has been very different. I didn't realize I was doing a completely different protocol, I mean I thought I was but wasn't 100% sure. So last time we did the normal Long Lupron Protocol. This time I'm doing an Antagonist Protocol. (Link here to read up on the difference.) I don't feel as sick this time. Last time OHSS set in pretty quick. By Day 4 of stims I was losing my mind. I was anxious and all over the place. This time around I feel pretty normal. I haven't been sleeping well, so I'm overly tired and that makes me a little loopy and grumpy but I don't know that I can blame that on the meds. I have been feeling bloated since stims Day 2. I think I'm just sensitive to any changes going on. (Pregnancy is going to be fun,eh?) I don't feel like I have a ball in my belly but more like I have a golf ball on either side of my uterus. Little Miss has been a great distraction this cycle too. I am not obsessed with what is constantly going on and every little symptom because I have a 3 yr old. I can't be. And not everything is riding on this cycle, like I felt it was last time. I am already a mom. If this doesn't work we will try something else. We are hopeful it will but this doesn't feel like an end all.

I go back in Monday for my first US. I am really hoping I will be close to done. I started Ganirelix today and will only be on that for a few days to prevent my LH surge. I am happy this is almost done. It has gone by so fast this time around. It feels like we just made the decision to do IVF again and now here I am about to have my retrieval. Praying for good eggs and not too many!

Stims Day 1

Went in for my US this morning and everything looked good. I took my two vials of Menopur right there in the office. Not the most pleasant shot but still ok. My mom went with me and learned how to give me the shot since DH is gone in the am pretty early. My side hurts a bit but other than that I'm good.

So I'm a bit nervous about this cycle. My RE was already discussing a FET, and I was like wait what??? And he said he is toning down my meds compared to last time but it is likely I will still be a good responder and we may have to freeze everything. I'm praying that won't happen. I want a fresh transfer. So fingers crossed. I stim until next Monday and then I'm back in to see how I'm doing. Weird thing, this office doesn't monitor my E2. Anyone ever had that happen? No blood draw today and not doing one next Monday either. Seems a bit strange. Especially since I had OHSS last time. It makes me a little concerned. I am grateful that this RE does all of his own monitoring. That is nice since I always have questions.

So that's it. Day 1 of shots and I start Dexamethasone tonight. But luckily I just swallow that. Easy. Wish me luck!

And so it begins...

I talked to me coordinator on Tuesday and IVF #2 is underway. My new RE does not do BCP to start a cycle. I will start estadiol tablets on 11/14/15 and that will be the start of the meds for this cycle. I've only done 3 cycles (one fresh and two FET) but all three times I have taken BCP. The nurse said that just isn't the way this RE does things. I'm a little relieved.  didn't have any issues with BCP but to not have one more thing to take is nice. Plus it also means I won't be on BCP for 6 weeks like I was anticipating.

We have a lot going on in the next two months! Little Miss will turn 3!! (Where has the time gone!?!) We also have Halloween, Thanksgiving and then Christmas. My brother and his family will be coming to stay with us for 10 days around Christmas, which will be fun! So here's to hoping they will be a great distraction during the TWW.

It still feels a little surreal that we are in this place again. It has been almost 6 years since our first IVF. It's crazy to think it has been that long. I'm excited to be back in the ring fighting the good fight. Here's to hoping this cycle is different and ends with a healthy baby. Oh and no OHSS!

All systems go

I heard back from my RE yesterday that DH does not have a chromosome issue. That's wonderful news! He said he was ready to move forward when we were. I wrote back and told him we were ready. He then sent me a tentative calendar that looks a little something like this...

Take folic acid 800 mcg and one 80 mg aspirin by mouth daily. Begin taking one estadiol 2 mg tablet by mouth in the AM and PM on: 11/14/15 Take estadiol twice daily until instructed to stop below.
Thu, 11/26/15	Take last estradiol tablets in AM
Fri, 11/27/15
Sat, 11/28/15
Sun, 11/29/15
Mon, 11/30/15	Office visit for ultrasound. If cleared by the office, begin taking Menopur 75 IU, two vials by intramuscular injection in the AM. Take two dexamethasone 0.5 mg tablets by mouth at bedtime.
Tue, 12/01/15	Take Menopur 75 IU, two vials by intramuscular injection in the AM. Take two dexamethasone 0.5 mg tablets by mouth at bedtime.
Wed, 12/02/15	Take Menopur 75 IU, two vials by intramuscular injection in the AM. Take two dexamethasone 0.5 mg tablets by mouth at bedtime.
Thu, 12/03/15	Take Menopur 75 IU, two vials by intramuscular injection in the AM. Take two dexamethasone 0.5 mg tablets by mouth at bedtime.
Fri, 12/04/15	Take Menopur 75 IU, two vials by intramuscular injection in the AM. Take two dexamethasone 0.5 mg tablets by mouth at bedtime.
Sat, 12/05/15	Begin taking Ganirelix 0.25 mg by subcutaneous injection in the AM. Take Menopur 75 IU, two vials by intramuscular injection in the AM. Take two dexamethasone 0.5 mg tablets by mouth at bedtime.
Sun, 12/06/15	Take Ganirelix 0.25 mg by subcutaneous injection in the AM. Take Menopur 75 IU, two vials by intramuscular injection in the AM. Take two dexamethasone 0.5 mg tablets by mouth at bedtime.
Mon, 12/07/15	Office visit for ultrasound. Take Ganirelix 0.25 mg by subcutaneous injection in the AM. Bring three vials of Repronex 75 IU with you to the office. Take two dexamethasone 0.5 mg tablets by mouth at bedtime.
Tue, 12/08/15
Wed, 12/09/15
Thu, 12/10/15	Anticipate egg harvest today or within the next three days.
Fri, 12/11/15
Sat, 12/12/15
Sun, 12/13/15
Mon, 12/14/15
Tue, 12/15/15	Anticipate embryo transfer today or within the next three days.

It scared me a bit! I mean I sat there and looked at his plan and thought, "ohmygosh! Are we really going to do this again?!?!?" This time will include new meds I did not use in IVF #1, Menopur, dexamethasone, ganirelix, and Repronex. Any of you ladies have any experience with any of them? We have been out of the fertility office for 5 years, so I'm sure these are meds that have taken over and hopefully proven to be more effective than what we used for round 1. It scares me that I will know by Christmas if it worked. So it will either be a great celebration or a devastating blow. It makes pulling the trigger to do it a little harder. But on the same note, I want to get it done before 2016. (Since our deductible will be applied to the new year.)

AF is due any day now... So I need to call and get my BCP ordered. Big decisions are so not my thing. Actually decisions are hard for me in general. This one is a hard one to make and carries so much risk emotionally, financially and physically. Wish me luck!!

Hysterosonogram

I guess I should start with my consult with the new doctor. It went very well. He has one of the top clinics in the country and is based out of a city a few hrs from here. He opened this new office to help women in our local area have access to better care than the other clinic that is in town. I felt very at peace with him and his ability to help us have another baby. I told him they found a fibroid at the clinic up north and he did an US to check it out. He did find a little something but compared to what the other clinic found it looked like it had gone away. It was a large black spot before and this time it was all white shaded like any other part of my uterus on the screen. He wanted me to do a hysterosonogram to be sure nothing was protruding and interfering with my lining. He also wanted to have DH do a chromosomal test to check for Y chromosome deletion. So we will see what that revels, since all other tests have been normal and there seems to be no cause for his infertility.

Today was my appt for the hysterosonogram and it went fine. An MD came in to place the catheter and fill my uterus with saline. It was nice because he was able to tell me exactly what he saw where a US tech I know cannot. He said everything looked perfect and normal. He will be sending the results to my RE and we will see if he wants to do something else to check the possible spot he saw on the US. He has mentioned possibly doing an MRI. I'm not sure. The procedure went smoothly and wasn't painful. The catheter went in smoothly and it wasn't painful. I have had some mild cramping all day but other than that no complaints.

It is strange to be at this point again. I really thought our fertility treatment days were behind us. I was ready to dive headfirst into another adoption journey. And we had, until it all fell apart. It is interesting to me how many women in the IF world pick a route and only go down that road. Meaning if they pursue adoption and are successful they do another and another until their family is complete. And even on the IVF route, women do it over and over until they are done building their families. I know a few people who have both adopted and IVF babies but it seems more seem to stick to one road or another. And I know some can only adopt. For me it was just the path we were successful with and I wanted to do what worked again. And I really didn't want Little Miss to be our only adopted child. I didn't want her to feel she was different. And maybe that's the same feeling a lot of families have.

For now I feel really good about going down the IVF road again. I actually feel really calm and at peace about it all. Which for me is a big thing since I am an avid worrier. I could have a gold medal in worrying. So here we go folks. Lets hope this roller coaster isn't as bad as the last one and that at the end there is a healthy baby!

Grateful

I have been going back and forth a lot lately about the decision we made to not continue with our latest expectant mom. There are times I have thought maybe I could have dealt with her keeping the baby for a month... Maybe I could have convinced her to come here part of the time... Maybe I missed the boat big time on this one. Her due date was Tuesday. That day DH also had to leave for emergency work out of town and still isn't back. (There are some major fires going on in our dry state so his company has to access the damage.) I just felt weepy part of the day. Then Thursday I felt really down. I hadn't slept well the days prior with DH gone and AF was coming to town. It made for a rough day. Little Miss was all I had to keep my spirits up. I had a good cry and felt better the next day.

We are still friends on FB so I was wondering if/when she was going to post something about the baby. Given she was still planning on placing her, last we talked, I thought she might not post anything because I know she was going to hide the adoption from the birth father. (I know major red flag for an adoption.) So last night I got on FB and I had a notification she had posted 2 new photos. Sure enough she had baby girl Thursday. And guess what... She won't be placing her.

In that moment I felt complete gratitude for a loving Heavenly Father who has a plan for us and that He helped me make the right choice and let go of this match 4 weeks ago. I could feel in my heart that this was not going to end the way we wanted it to and that even if she did end up placing with us after keeping baby for 2-4 weeks I would be a mess the whole time. Even after placement I would constantly wonder if she was going to take her back. Until TPR is signed and the waiting period has passed anything can happen. I am thankful I did not have to be there in the delivery room and witness this sweet baby entering the world. I know I would've fallen for her in an instant. I'm thankful Little Miss never got to meet her. I thankful we didn't have to have this all come crashing down after she was born. It was hard to let go at 36 weeks in her pregnancy. We had been with her since week 13 but it was 137x easier to let go then vs trying to now.

I feel validated in our decision. I was to scream from the roof tops "I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN!!!" and "SEE I TOLD YOU SHE WOULDN'T PLACE!!" but alas I will keep my mouth shut. Outside of myself and DH only my mom and one close friend know. I will tell others as they ask. A lot of people don't even know the adoption fell through, so I still have people asking if we are expecting her any day now. I really want to talk to her and find out when she changed her mind. I will never know, but from what I gather it seems like it happened after she gave birth. She may have been wavering in the final days but I think she held that baby in her arms and knew she couldn't let her go. Her FB post hinted at that. Although most of her FB friends had no idea she was PG, once again given she was planning on placing and hiding it from BF.

Part of me still hopes she will change her mind down the road. Her situation is so much worse than most. And this poor little innocent baby is in for a hard ride. She has no support and will be kicked out of the home she is currently a fo.ster chi.ld in. Back when she changed her mind the first time she had ONE friend who said she would take her and the baby in for a few months until she could get on her feet. Then that friend backed out a week later. When we talked about it when she came to visit I asked her what she would've done had she kept the baby, been homeless, she said she didn't want to think about it and we changed the subject. Those who are single moms know how hard being a single mom is. Even if you have a great support system all the responsibility falls on your shoulders. My heart just breaks for her and baby girl as I can see the cards are stacked against them. I know motherhood puts a fire under you like nothing else, so maybe that will be enough for her to do everything she needs to to get her life together. But so much of what she is facing is out of her control, and that is the part I worry about the most.

I'm grateful for the closure this brings me. And now I can move on and hope for success in the future. I have an appt with the new IVF clinic in town on Wednesday. I hope it will be great and I will feel like this is the right option for us. After going to the info meeting at the adoption agency I didn't feel that was the right path of us, at least not right now, so I was left feeling stuck and lost. So I'm hopeful maybe doing IVF again is what we are supposed to do.

Let's get the ball rolling again

Since we are now back at square one with baby #2 we figured, let's get things rolling and start the adoption process for real with an agency. Oh and we might as well use those last 3 Day 1 2PN embryos from IVF #1. So I have a consult appt set up with the old clinic for October 15th. 

The adoption path looks a little something like this from here; Step 1 ~ We have a free information meeting this coming Tuesday to get info on the agency. Then we have to pay a $25 application fee and a $500 enrollment fee to get the ball rolling. Step 2 ~ Get our classes set up and pay around $3k for them. They only hold them once a quarter and the next ones are the first three Saturdays in November. Which doesn't work since one falls on Little Miss' 3rd birthday. And they run from 9-1 so 4 hrs. It looks like we will have to wait a few months to get those set up. Step 3 ~ Home Study and lots of personal questions no one really wants to tell a perfect stranger (or even a close friend ie. how often do you and your partner have intercourse?) need to be answered. Those fees will run us about $8500. After that is all completed we will officially be a waiting family. I have a play date set up with a friend who adopted their DD from the same agency Saturday. I'm going to ask her about BM fees and other things that may not be included in the fees mentioned above. Once placement occurs there is a $5k finalization fee. So all together we are looking at around $17k or a little less to go this route. 

The FET path looks a little something like this: Step 1 ~ Consultation with RE. Step 2 ~ Blood work. Step 3 ~ Prep for transfer. Step 4 ~ Transfer. We have insurance coverage for some of the costs and back 5 years ago when we were on the IVF roller coaster a FET with our office was around $1.5k. Since we do have a deductible we will end up paying for most of the fees before anything is covered. But this is obviously a much cheaper option!

I swore after the horror or IVF #1 I would never go back to this office. But since we moved back to our home town and the office is less than 3 miles from our new home I figured I might as well give the last 3 embryos a try. The good news is since we did IVF #1 another IVF clinic has opened in our hometown. So if we decide to possibly move on to IVF #2 we have options. I don't think with all the anxiety I feel over doing another cycle I could emotionally handle traveling 3-4 hrs to the other clinics that are in the state of CA to do a cycle with them. I'm not super hopeful about these little 3 embryos amounting to a real live baby, but I don't feel right leaving them in cold storage forever or destroying them when it took SOOOO much to create them. But this clinic better not try to do a full work up on me and DH when I have zero intention of cycling with them again. Well with a fresh cycle that is. 

I must admit I am a bit jaded after our recent adoption failure. I don't know that I have it in me to fail again. And I'm really scared that if we go that route we will fail again. I feel peace about that situation ending. I really feel it was right for us, but that doesn't mean it isn't hard. EM is due in 9 days. 9 days!! It's hard not to think about what might have been had I just gone along with her plan... But then again I feel like she won't end us placing in the end anyway. It's so back and forth for me. I'm confused why that situation had to be part of our journey to baby #2. I guess we may never know why. All I know is I'm ready to make something happen so we are going to get all the info we can and then do what we can to bring another baby home. 

To be continued...

The end...

It all came to an end Friday night. I called to talk to expectant mom (EM) and she said she and her foster mom had decided she was going to BF for month and keep baby girl at foster mom's home. I told her she had to do what she thought was best and that is also what I had to do. And what is best for us is to sever ties with her at this point. I told her as a mom I cannot spend 30 days and nights away from a child that I was meant to parent.

It was a really hard decision. Actually, that's not true, the decision was easy, having to say it was hard. I know she feels betrayed and abandoned by us. I don't really know why since she is the one who changed the rules last minute but I know she feels those feelings and to her they are real. I feel betrayed and sad. Sad for baby girl who doesn't have a say and who will most likely be kept by a BM who is not ready to parent. I feel sad that her foster mom hasn't helped lead her in a more positive direction. When we adopted Little Miss, M's mom was such a positive influence and really supported M. She told her things she thought she should and shouldn't do to make the process easier. She let M decide what she did and didn't want to do but really having a mom who has given birth and raised children she knows the bond that is present between mom and baby and what will make placing a baby for adoption more difficult. I was so so so thankful for her.

DH still thinks EM will come around and realize she has made a mistake. I'm not so sure she will. And even if she does I'm not sure I want to continue on this roller coaster. It was so strange when we talked Friday night. The only thing she said the whole time was "ok". It was like she had no emotional attachment to us being the parents of her child. She didn't show remorse or sadness that we were saying we could no longer continue down this path with her. Maybe that is another red flag. Or maybe she just didn't known what to say. I really feel like after we talked on Wednesday and I told her it wasn't going to work for our family she knew it was over and decided she didn't want to place with us. I think that's why the time range went for 2 weeks to a month. She said she still plans on placing... I guess she will have to contact an agency and see if they will work with her. I really feel she will not place in the end. I don't know how any mom could preform all "mom duties" for a month and still relinquish rights in the end. And another obstacle she will face is she wants a VERY open adoption. We already have that with M, so for us that was no big deal but I know a ton of adoptive families that only want phone calls, pictures and letters back and forth.

A big part of my heart feels relief. There were things about this situation that were hard, a lot of things. So I have to believe that this is the Lord's way of protecting me from more heartache had we continued with her. Now we are in limbo again... Gosh how I hate this part. Thank goodness for our AMAZING daughter who fills our hearts with joy! She is my constant reminder that no matter what the battle it is so worth it! 

Beyond the limits

So I don't really know what to title this post. Adoption is so hard for so many reasons. One of the big ones is that until TPR has been signed you feel like all the cards are in the BM's hands. You feel like you have to bend to her will so that she is comfortable and sees you are willing to include her wishes when caring for her child. But really my friends, why do we let this happen? We as adoptive parents have a say too and when we feel something is beyond what we can handle we need to speak up. Que our current situation.

So I called to talk to our expectant mom Sunday and talked to her foster mom first for a min. EM has been insisting on breast feeding baby girl. I really think it is a bad idea but realize it is important to her so I figured if she wanted to BF in the hospital we would be ok with that. Then she mentioned she wanted to BF for a "little bit" after baby was born. Um... ok. We talked about her coming home with us for "a few days" post birth. So anyway, back to Sunday night. Her foster mom brought up the BF thing and said I really needed to "let her fulfill her teenage fantasy" and let her BF for a bit after the delivery, and that she thought BM should take the baby home for 2 WEEKS to BF and then she would give her to us. WHAT?!?!?! But we could come visit her whenever we want so not to worry. OMG!! I about lost it! Lucky for her I am not a blurt out what is in my head kind of girl so I decided to think and pray about it before discussing it with BM.

I knew this was going to be a situation I could not deal with. As adoptive parents we are asked to take on a child just like we would had we given birth to that child. There is no difference in the love we feel for them or the bond. And tell me what mom would let another mom take her baby for two weeks to BF, no matter how often she could visit, none of them would! I would be a wreck for two weeks. Not knowing how she was doing all the time, if BM was bonding too much and likely to change her mind, if all her needs were being met. I would totally not be able to function. And I have Little Miss at home who I NEED to function for. She needs me and is my #1 priority.

So last night I called to talk to BM and she brought up the BF subject. She was actually quite excited about her and her foster mom's "plan" to keep baby girl for two weeks. After that she thought she could pump and continue to give her milk. I let her finish and then said this is not going to work for us. I told her it would break my heart for her to keep her for two weeks. I said DH only gets two weeks off work for bonding and her to be somewhere else wouldn't work. I think I said, this just won't work for our family and I'm really sorry like 67 times. She was speechless and really didn't know what to say. She said that we would work it out but really for me this is a deal breaker. If she can't come to our side we will probably be pulling out on this situation. I feel bad about it, she is 34.5 weeks prego now. But I have to do what is right for my family. I told her we loved her and just needed to do what was best for us. I'm still not sure what the outcome will be but I am glad I could stand up for myself and our family.

I really feel this is WAY beyond what should be requested of an adoptive family. Now had she contacted us after the birth of baby girl and had been ready to place then, it would be a different story. And I believe that if she still hopes to place that is what she will have to do if she decides to stick with keeping baby girl for 2 weeks. I don't even know of an agency that would think this was a good idea. I know it will make it a million times harder for her to stick to her plan. But really the bottom line is that as the mother of that child, or perspective mother, I cannot allow her to be cared for by anyone but myself for any amount of time post birth. Or days I should say.

Adoption is hard. IF is hard. This all just stinks. Please keep us in your prayers if you are the praying type...

Back on track

Well it has been a stressful few weeks as BM has been thinking over her decision. We have prayed and fasted a lot. The greatest blessing is I have really felt peace this whole time. I was so sad for BM and baby girl when she was thinking about keeping her, but I know it is 100% her right to do so. And as hard as it was to see her consider that choice, I'm grateful she did because in the end she decided to stick to her adoption plan. And now her faith in what she is doing is firm.

She came to stay with us this weekend and we had a wonderful time. I know her seeing us interact with Little Miss and as a couple helped her see what a loving family can look like. It was wonderful to talk to her and get to know more about her. Her story is tragic and makes me so grateful for everything I have. I am thankful we can welcome her into our family and she will forever be part of our lives. She has a good head on her shoulders and my hope is that this is the turning point for her.

So if all continues to go well we should be a family of four in a little more than a month! Eek!! Time to bust out the baby gear once again!

Second Thoughts

It's been a difficult few days. Our birth mom to be has been a little distant lately. We live about an hour south of her, so we text to keep in touch. The last couple weeks she hasn't been replying much and it has just felt different. On Friday I texted to say Little Miss' birth mom M wanted to reach out to her. She sent me a long message back saying she was having second thoughts about adoption and didn't realize she wold love this baby. My heart broke. She said she was only feeling anger and distance from the baby at first because of the birth father but recently she has really fallen in love with baby girl. 

At first I was sad for our little family who most likely will not be getting another addition in September, but then the more I thought about it I am really just sad for her. She doesn't understand that birth moms place their babies out of LOVE. And extreme love at that! Birth moms put the needs of the child they love before their own. It made me sad that she didn't know that. We had talked a few times about how love drives the decision behind adoption, but maybe she didn't quite get it. 

To say that she is going to be fighting an uphill battle if she does keep this baby is an understatement. I won't go into detail here. I will only say she is not living with her family and comes from a VERY rough background. She has had more hardships in her almost 18 years than most of us will ever have. I'm sad that she will be bringing an innocent child into such a situation. Even teen moms who live at home with two parents and full support from their family (emotional and physical) have hardships with raising a child, and she doesn't even have that. 

I'm sorry I hope that didn't sound like I was calling her out. She has every right to keep her child. I just want so much more for her and bay girl. I was 30 when Little Miss was born. I had waited 9 years for her, was in a stable marriage, was able to stay home full time to take care of her, and I was still shocked by how demanding motherhood was. It is so rewarding and I am grateful every second, but it is hard. It takes everything you have physically and emotionally, especially in the beginning. It gets easier as the weeks and months pass but then each stage brings new challenges. I just worry about her. I want to help but really don't know how at this point.

I will continue to pray and hope she will find that love is what she needs to give baby girl more than what she can right now. If any of you are the praying type, will you join us in this journey. She still has about 10 weeks left in her pregnancy, so anything is possible. She didn't say that she had completely changed her mind, just that she was feeling overwhelmed and couldn't make the decision now. So there is still hope... 

Here we go again!

Life has been nothing short of crazy the last few weeks! We were living in one city and decided our rental was just too small for the three of us, so we started looking for another rental in a city about 20 miles to the east. We found a great house and moved in two weeks before our lease was up. Six days later DH got a job promotion in our hometown! (which is about 200 miles S of where we just moved to.) Luckily our new landlords were very understanding and allowed us to get out of our lease. So three weeks after we moved to our new rental we moved again! Insane! Especially with a two year old. And since we wanted to buy a home and really set down roots in our hometown we moved in with DH's parents until we found our forever home. The good news is that after living here for two weeks we found it and have been in escrow for a week!

But the really big news happened on March 23rd. I was laying in bed while Little Miss napped and a friend called to say she knew a teen mom who was looking to place her baby for adoption and she wanted to meet us! I was floored, but thought ok well I still need to talk to this birth mom before I get too wrapped up in this. Not more than 5 minuted later my phone rang and it was the birth mom!! We talked for a few minutes and decided we were a good match for what she was looking for in the family she wanted to place with. I told her we should meet and she agreed. Since we were in the middle of moving we set a time for the week after we moved. it was a long three week wait. The day of the meeting I felt 100% peace. We sat and talked for about an hour and learned a lot about her. She has a long heart wrenching past that I won't talk about here, but suffice it to say she is not in a position to raise a child and baby daddy isn't either. The amazing thing was that at her young age she recognizes this and really wants what's best for her baby. She is due at the beginning of September.

She didn't know what she was having when we met because she had a doctor that wasn't really concerned about her or the baby. But luckily the fried who initially called to tell me about her is a NP for a great doctor. And both my friend and the new doctor happen to be adoptive moms. So they will take good care of her and make sure the hospital is aware of the situation and adoption friendly.

She had her first meeting with the new OB and loved her. She also found out she is having a...


GIRL!!! 


We are beyond thrilled to add another little lady to our family and for Little Miss to have a little sister. I know we still have a LONG way to go before we have another baby in our home but we are keeping the faith that she will stick with her plan and place her baby. I'm trying to keep the negative voices out of my head and stay positive.

So it looks like 2015 will be one crazy awesome year for our little family!

Adoption situation

Yesterday I was contacted by a friend who lives in the city we moved from. She has bio children and then they adopted their last child through the state much like we did with Little Miss. She was my guide while we went through our adoption process. She has kind of come to be known as the "adoption lady" in the area we lived in. So when she called yesterday, I was hopeful she was calling about a potential adoption situation, and she was!

So here's the scoop. Baby girl was born in September. BM and BF were together at the time but have since split and neither can do it on their own. The BM has other children who are also no longer in her care. (One of which is being adopted by another family we know.) They are considering placing baby girl. There have been a few families that have offered to take her but my friend put it perfectly when she said, "but really we are looking for her forever family. Not just a family who is willing to be her guardians for a while." So she thought of us and called to ask how I felt. So how do I feel about this???

Well first I feel excited there is a possibility of adding to our family again. I also feel a little strange because this baby will not be a newborn, and I never really pictured adding a child to our family that was more than a few weeks old. Will I love and be able to connect with her the way I was able to with Little Miss? I know that may sound totally selfish and strange, but this is my space and I want to be totally honest. I worry about the traumas she has already witnessed in her sort life on this earth. What kind of affect will that have on her? And then there is her birth family and all the loss that will be felt on their end and how will that relationship play out.

There is so much loss of control with IF, and then when you add in adoption even more loss of control, and now add in that the child will be a little older... I think letting go of control is what this trial has taught and continues to teach me. With Little Miss I did not get to control the environment she was grown in. But once she was born I was in charge of protecting her and keeping her from things that were harmful. With this little one she has had a lot happen in the few short months of her life. It breaks my heart. And it could still be many more months before the ball is rolling with a placement.

I'm so thankful for this space to voice my feelings and deepest thoughts about family building. As you can see this really is a maybe situation but I feel conflicted and want to be able to talk about it. Other than DH and the friend who called I don't have anyone to discuss it with. There is no plan in place yet, so I can't really talk about it with family or friends. I guess we will wait and see how things go. In the mean time we are still planning on cycling in the next few months, so unless something happens with this situation that is still our plan. It's crazy to think where life can sometimes take you.

New Year and next steps

We had our meetings with the Nurse Coordinator (NC) and the Financial Coordinator (FC) in November. They both were quick meetings. Both were supposed to take 1-2 hrs and we were in and out in 30 min. The NC appt was really just a review for me. Nothing new. The FC appt was new since we have never had coverage of IVF. The cycle still will cost us around $6k. And that's with our insurance covering $7k. That cost does include meds and such. It does not include acupuncture, which I am hoping to try this time around. So add in another $1-2k for that. Yikes!

Our plan is to move forward with a cycle in the next few months. We are moving from our current rental sometime in March. I was kind of hoping to start with my January cycle, but then I would be cycling and moving. No woman needs that kind of stress! Plus my hope is our next home will be closer to the clinic making all those daily US and BW appts a lot easier. So maybe April... We decided to wait until the new year so we could meet our deductible and out-of-pocket max all at one time. No sense in starting a cycle in December and have to pay all of those costs again in January. And once those costs are met we will have 100% coverage for the rest of the year. (Not for the actual IVF but everything else.)

I am still really nervous about the whole thing. I have a 2 yr old I have to accommodate now and find a sitter and also try not to lose it with when I am crazy on hormones. How do you moms out there do it with a little one at home and cycling? Last time I remember feeling like I was pretty crazy and I don't want to be like that this time. Fingers crossed this cycle won't be as traumatic.

When I called the office way back in July it felt like an eternity to wait for our consult. Now here we are in January and the thought of cycling in the next few months makes me scared. We all know the "what if's" that come along with this process, so no need for me to hash that all out here. I'm just so lost in this space where we once again find ourselves. I feel blessed we can cycle again and hating the fact that we have to. Will I ever accept that this is my lot in life? Part of me feels that accepting that is releasing a part of me that holds out hope that one day I will just be pregnant. No shots, no ultrasounds, no checks written, just pregnant. It's time to let go... It's just so dang hard.