The end...

It all came to an end Friday night. I called to talk to expectant mom (EM) and she said she and her foster mom had decided she was going to BF for month and keep baby girl at foster mom's home. I told her she had to do what she thought was best and that is also what I had to do. And what is best for us is to sever ties with her at this point. I told her as a mom I cannot spend 30 days and nights away from a child that I was meant to parent.

It was a really hard decision. Actually, that's not true, the decision was easy, having to say it was hard. I know she feels betrayed and abandoned by us. I don't really know why since she is the one who changed the rules last minute but I know she feels those feelings and to her they are real. I feel betrayed and sad. Sad for baby girl who doesn't have a say and who will most likely be kept by a BM who is not ready to parent. I feel sad that her foster mom hasn't helped lead her in a more positive direction. When we adopted Little Miss, M's mom was such a positive influence and really supported M. She told her things she thought she should and shouldn't do to make the process easier. She let M decide what she did and didn't want to do but really having a mom who has given birth and raised children she knows the bond that is present between mom and baby and what will make placing a baby for adoption more difficult. I was so so so thankful for her.

DH still thinks EM will come around and realize she has made a mistake. I'm not so sure she will. And even if she does I'm not sure I want to continue on this roller coaster. It was so strange when we talked Friday night. The only thing she said the whole time was "ok". It was like she had no emotional attachment to us being the parents of her child. She didn't show remorse or sadness that we were saying we could no longer continue down this path with her. Maybe that is another red flag. Or maybe she just didn't known what to say. I really feel like after we talked on Wednesday and I told her it wasn't going to work for our family she knew it was over and decided she didn't want to place with us. I think that's why the time range went for 2 weeks to a month. She said she still plans on placing... I guess she will have to contact an agency and see if they will work with her. I really feel she will not place in the end. I don't know how any mom could preform all "mom duties" for a month and still relinquish rights in the end. And another obstacle she will face is she wants a VERY open adoption. We already have that with M, so for us that was no big deal but I know a ton of adoptive families that only want phone calls, pictures and letters back and forth.

A big part of my heart feels relief. There were things about this situation that were hard, a lot of things. So I have to believe that this is the Lord's way of protecting me from more heartache had we continued with her. Now we are in limbo again... Gosh how I hate this part. Thank goodness for our AMAZING daughter who fills our hearts with joy! She is my constant reminder that no matter what the battle it is so worth it!