Beyond the limits

So I don't really know what to title this post. Adoption is so hard for so many reasons. One of the big ones is that until TPR has been signed you feel like all the cards are in the BM's hands. You feel like you have to bend to her will so that she is comfortable and sees you are willing to include her wishes when caring for her child. But really my friends, why do we let this happen? We as adoptive parents have a say too and when we feel something is beyond what we can handle we need to speak up. Que our current situation.

So I called to talk to our expectant mom Sunday and talked to her foster mom first for a min. EM has been insisting on breast feeding baby girl. I really think it is a bad idea but realize it is important to her so I figured if she wanted to BF in the hospital we would be ok with that. Then she mentioned she wanted to BF for a "little bit" after baby was born. Um... ok. We talked about her coming home with us for "a few days" post birth. So anyway, back to Sunday night. Her foster mom brought up the BF thing and said I really needed to "let her fulfill her teenage fantasy" and let her BF for a bit after the delivery, and that she thought BM should take the baby home for 2 WEEKS to BF and then she would give her to us. WHAT?!?!?! But we could come visit her whenever we want so not to worry. OMG!! I about lost it! Lucky for her I am not a blurt out what is in my head kind of girl so I decided to think and pray about it before discussing it with BM.

I knew this was going to be a situation I could not deal with. As adoptive parents we are asked to take on a child just like we would had we given birth to that child. There is no difference in the love we feel for them or the bond. And tell me what mom would let another mom take her baby for two weeks to BF, no matter how often she could visit, none of them would! I would be a wreck for two weeks. Not knowing how she was doing all the time, if BM was bonding too much and likely to change her mind, if all her needs were being met. I would totally not be able to function. And I have Little Miss at home who I NEED to function for. She needs me and is my #1 priority.

So last night I called to talk to BM and she brought up the BF subject. She was actually quite excited about her and her foster mom's "plan" to keep baby girl for two weeks. After that she thought she could pump and continue to give her milk. I let her finish and then said this is not going to work for us. I told her it would break my heart for her to keep her for two weeks. I said DH only gets two weeks off work for bonding and her to be somewhere else wouldn't work. I think I said, this just won't work for our family and I'm really sorry like 67 times. She was speechless and really didn't know what to say. She said that we would work it out but really for me this is a deal breaker. If she can't come to our side we will probably be pulling out on this situation. I feel bad about it, she is 34.5 weeks prego now. But I have to do what is right for my family. I told her we loved her and just needed to do what was best for us. I'm still not sure what the outcome will be but I am glad I could stand up for myself and our family.

I really feel this is WAY beyond what should be requested of an adoptive family. Now had she contacted us after the birth of baby girl and had been ready to place then, it would be a different story. And I believe that if she still hopes to place that is what she will have to do if she decides to stick with keeping baby girl for 2 weeks. I don't even know of an agency that would think this was a good idea. I know it will make it a million times harder for her to stick to her plan. But really the bottom line is that as the mother of that child, or perspective mother, I cannot allow her to be cared for by anyone but myself for any amount of time post birth. Or days I should say.

Adoption is hard. IF is hard. This all just stinks. Please keep us in your prayers if you are the praying type...