Adoption situation

Yesterday I was contacted by a friend who lives in the city we moved from. She has bio children and then they adopted their last child through the state much like we did with Little Miss. She was my guide while we went through our adoption process. She has kind of come to be known as the "adoption lady" in the area we lived in. So when she called yesterday, I was hopeful she was calling about a potential adoption situation, and she was!

So here's the scoop. Baby girl was born in September. BM and BF were together at the time but have since split and neither can do it on their own. The BM has other children who are also no longer in her care. (One of which is being adopted by another family we know.) They are considering placing baby girl. There have been a few families that have offered to take her but my friend put it perfectly when she said, "but really we are looking for her forever family. Not just a family who is willing to be her guardians for a while." So she thought of us and called to ask how I felt. So how do I feel about this???

Well first I feel excited there is a possibility of adding to our family again. I also feel a little strange because this baby will not be a newborn, and I never really pictured adding a child to our family that was more than a few weeks old. Will I love and be able to connect with her the way I was able to with Little Miss? I know that may sound totally selfish and strange, but this is my space and I want to be totally honest. I worry about the traumas she has already witnessed in her sort life on this earth. What kind of affect will that have on her? And then there is her birth family and all the loss that will be felt on their end and how will that relationship play out.

There is so much loss of control with IF, and then when you add in adoption even more loss of control, and now add in that the child will be a little older... I think letting go of control is what this trial has taught and continues to teach me. With Little Miss I did not get to control the environment she was grown in. But once she was born I was in charge of protecting her and keeping her from things that were harmful. With this little one she has had a lot happen in the few short months of her life. It breaks my heart. And it could still be many more months before the ball is rolling with a placement.

I'm so thankful for this space to voice my feelings and deepest thoughts about family building. As you can see this really is a maybe situation but I feel conflicted and want to be able to talk about it. Other than DH and the friend who called I don't have anyone to discuss it with. There is no plan in place yet, so I can't really talk about it with family or friends. I guess we will wait and see how things go. In the mean time we are still planning on cycling in the next few months, so unless something happens with this situation that is still our plan. It's crazy to think where life can sometimes take you.