Grateful

I have been going back and forth a lot lately about the decision we made to not continue with our latest expectant mom. There are times I have thought maybe I could have dealt with her keeping the baby for a month... Maybe I could have convinced her to come here part of the time... Maybe I missed the boat big time on this one. Her due date was Tuesday. That day DH also had to leave for emergency work out of town and still isn't back. (There are some major fires going on in our dry state so his company has to access the damage.) I just felt weepy part of the day. Then Thursday I felt really down. I hadn't slept well the days prior with DH gone and AF was coming to town. It made for a rough day. Little Miss was all I had to keep my spirits up. I had a good cry and felt better the next day.

We are still friends on FB so I was wondering if/when she was going to post something about the baby. Given she was still planning on placing her, last we talked, I thought she might not post anything because I know she was going to hide the adoption from the birth father. (I know major red flag for an adoption.) So last night I got on FB and I had a notification she had posted 2 new photos. Sure enough she had baby girl Thursday. And guess what... She won't be placing her.

In that moment I felt complete gratitude for a loving Heavenly Father who has a plan for us and that He helped me make the right choice and let go of this match 4 weeks ago. I could feel in my heart that this was not going to end the way we wanted it to and that even if she did end up placing with us after keeping baby for 2-4 weeks I would be a mess the whole time. Even after placement I would constantly wonder if she was going to take her back. Until TPR is signed and the waiting period has passed anything can happen. I am thankful I did not have to be there in the delivery room and witness this sweet baby entering the world. I know I would've fallen for her in an instant. I'm thankful Little Miss never got to meet her. I thankful we didn't have to have this all come crashing down after she was born. It was hard to let go at 36 weeks in her pregnancy. We had been with her since week 13 but it was 137x easier to let go then vs trying to now.

I feel validated in our decision. I was to scream from the roof tops "I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN!!!" and "SEE I TOLD YOU SHE WOULDN'T PLACE!!" but alas I will keep my mouth shut. Outside of myself and DH only my mom and one close friend know. I will tell others as they ask. A lot of people don't even know the adoption fell through, so I still have people asking if we are expecting her any day now. I really want to talk to her and find out when she changed her mind. I will never know, but from what I gather it seems like it happened after she gave birth. She may have been wavering in the final days but I think she held that baby in her arms and knew she couldn't let her go. Her FB post hinted at that. Although most of her FB friends had no idea she was PG, once again given she was planning on placing and hiding it from BF.

Part of me still hopes she will change her mind down the road. Her situation is so much worse than most. And this poor little innocent baby is in for a hard ride. She has no support and will be kicked out of the home she is currently a fo.ster chi.ld in. Back when she changed her mind the first time she had ONE friend who said she would take her and the baby in for a few months until she could get on her feet. Then that friend backed out a week later. When we talked about it when she came to visit I asked her what she would've done had she kept the baby, been homeless, she said she didn't want to think about it and we changed the subject. Those who are single moms know how hard being a single mom is. Even if you have a great support system all the responsibility falls on your shoulders. My heart just breaks for her and baby girl as I can see the cards are stacked against them. I know motherhood puts a fire under you like nothing else, so maybe that will be enough for her to do everything she needs to to get her life together. But so much of what she is facing is out of her control, and that is the part I worry about the most.

I'm grateful for the closure this brings me. And now I can move on and hope for success in the future. I have an appt with the new IVF clinic in town on Wednesday. I hope it will be great and I will feel like this is the right option for us. After going to the info meeting at the adoption agency I didn't feel that was the right path of us, at least not right now, so I was left feeling stuck and lost. So I'm hopeful maybe doing IVF again is what we are supposed to do.