UTI

Well I got a UTI (urinary tract infection) for Christmas. Yippee! Actually it really showed up on Monday. Man this thing is painful! I haven't had one since I was a little kid. In fact I had a kidney infection that almost killed me when I was 5. So the MD was a bit worried about it getting so bad so quickly this time. Apparently I have a lot of blood in my urine along with white blood cells. Just praying this antibiotic does the trick. Nothing like staring the New Year with an infection.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas. Thank you for all your wonderful comments on my last two posts. It has been a pretty rough year and I am ready to have some positive things to say on this blog again. Hope you all have a wonderful and safe New Year!

This Christmas...

...is So different from last year. Last year we were about to embark on our first IVF. I had my Jan appt scheduled with my RE. We were prepped and ready. There was such excitment in my heart as I hoped it would be our last as a family of two. I never imagined things would turn out the way they did. I did think we could possibly get a BFN, but to be honest, in my heart I believed it would work.

This year we are somewhat on the cusp on IVF #2. (Surely We will not be doing a Feb cycle like last year, possibly April or May) The difference is this time I have all the experiences of last cycle. So the excitment is gone. I am scared to do another cycle. Scared to fail, scared of the pain, scared of OHSS, scared to spend all that money, scared of the loss of control. I feel like we have a higher chance of sucess this time around due to the knowledge our RE will have from last cycle and the fact that we will have a new RE... I am just having a hard time getting over the fear. How do you ladies keep going, cycle after cycle?

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Out of it...

That pretty much sums up how I have felt the last few months. I am so sorry i have been MIA. I just dont feel like a lot of ttc stuff is going on right now. I am hoping to cycle again in the next 4-6 months. I have yet to pick a new clinic, but I figure we have plenty of time.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving! Ours was great. MIL drove me crazy, but that's nothing new. I wanted to say congrats to my two bloggy friends who just got BFP after their IUIs. I'm sorry I haven't been commenting. I have just needed a break and time to heal. 2010 was NOT our year. Between all the BFNs, OHSS, my grandma passing away, both of my parents being hospitalized with life threatening conditions, oh and throw on top DH losing his job a few weeks ago, it has been a rough year. (Yep, He is jobless once again. Really sucks, but we have saved all the money for IVF #2 and can afford to live on what I make.) I am so ready for the new year and the opportuinty to try again.

I really hope 2011 brings nothing but joy!

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I don't want your kids...

Why is it that friends and family seem to think that just because we are infertile we want their children?? I'm sure all of you have heard the comment, "oh you can have him/her," 146 times or more. This happened to me on Sunday right after church. There is a darling little girl in our ward who was in the primary class I taught a year ago. She loves to come and sit with me and DH. I adore her. I sometimes think that if we would've gotten pg within the first 6 months of ttc we could have a child her same age. This girl even looks like she could be mine and loves to bake! One of my friends made the comment that we could take her home and people would think she was ours. The friend then made the comment to her mother C, who is also a dear friend, and C said, "you can have her." I laughed and continued walking. That got me thinking... No I really don't want this sweet little girl, I want MY daughter. I want MY son. I love other people's children, but I don't really want them. I am grateful they are willing to share them so I can enjoy them for a bit. All of our friends have wonderful children who I love, but it isn't the same. So the next time someone offers to send their son or daughter my way I may just have to turn and say, "no thanks, I'm waiting for ours."

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Putting on the brakes

AF came on Monday. I was happy to see her and really thought I was ready to get this cycle going. But I could't bring myself to dial my RE's number. I thought, give it one more day and then try again. Nope. So we are not going to cycle this month, or maybe ever again with our last 3 embryos. I am really done with my RE and his office. I think it is time for a change. So for now we are saving for IVF #2. Hopefully we can find an new RE that will make our dreams come true.

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Lost again

So it seems my AF has gotten lost yet again. Today is cycle day 40. Man IVF has really screwed up my body. I feel no symptoms which is nice. Well I guess I am a but temperamental. For those wondering, no I haven't tested. I do have one hpt left and I think I may use it is she doesn't come in the next day or two. I really don't see how I could have a natural pregnancy, but God does work in mysterious ways. Still I do not have my hopes up that that is what is going on.

We have decided to do our last FET this cycle, well once AF arrives I can start bcp. We are looking at a transfer date around November 8th. I don't know quite how I feel just yet. It has become somewhat routine. I'm not excited, I feel like let's just get it over with. I want to do it before the end of the year so we don't have to meet our deductible again and to have treatment with this RE's office be finished. It will be easy. Since this is my 3rd transfer I totally know the routine and am going to take the reins. 2 ultrasounds and then our transfer. I thought the 3rd ultrasound they threw in last time was a total waste, so this time I am not doing it. My body has done basically the same thing both times and it is hard for me to go back and forth to their office. Plus after all that happened last time I am so over all of them. The less contact I have to have, the better.

During our little break I started to take some time for me. It has been wonderful. I started taking pi.ano lessons 2 weeks ago and I love it! I have wanted to learn since I was little and just never had the time with all the other things I was involved in. Well what better time then now?!? It has been a real challenge. I am not really musically inclined, but have picked it up rather quickly. I am not Beethoven, but I have come to love developing this talent. It gives me something else to focus on. Which I feel I desperately needed.

One last development, I was asked to use my baking skills for a co-workers child's party. I LOVE baking and am so excited for this opportunity. Nothing big, jut some creative little cookie treats that look like witch's brooms. I made them about 3 years ago for a work thing and she remembered and asked me to make them again. So it will be the first time I have been paid to bake. I am pretty excited.

Waiting for our cake...

I read this post on a fellow IF'ers blog. It is exactly what I needed today.Christine Dallimore at We are all mothers wrote a post about Infertility and Dessert. It is beautiful and amazing. I wanted to share it here.

Infertility and Dessert

Over the past several years, I have been confronted with many comments concerning my infertility journey. In my neck of the woods, not a whole lot of people can really understand the magnitude of the emotional luggage that comes with it. A lot of the comments have been something along the lines of....

"I wish I could understand your pain."

OR

"I can't imagine what it would be like to NOT be able to have children."

In response, I usually smile and say....

"Imagine that you have never tasted chocolate cake before. Others that have tell you time and time again how wonderful it is. Then the day comes where the chocolate cake is sitting right there in front of you. It does look amazing. You want it more than anything. You want to experience the joy of it yourself. It's right there in front of you, but no matter what, you just can't have it. You are told you must wait. Now take that feeling, multiply it by 100 and you may come close to how infertility feels!"

After that, they usually nod in acceptance. After all, who can't relate to CHOCOLATE CAKE?!?

When I am emotionally vulnerable, I write. Shortly after I lost Conner, I had so many emotions that I didn't even know where to begin to sort through them. Talk about never writing so much in all of my life! This little ditty is a small reflection of that time. It's still raw and it's not perfect. It does reflect my journey thus far however. It also expands a little bit more on what I talked about above. I'll warn you though- it is long winded!!!

"Imagine yourself dressed up in your finest clothes. You and your sweet husband are attending a dinner together in one of the nicest restaurants in town. You both have planned, waited and saved for this evening. To say the least, you are very excited! You and your husband arrive and the atmosphere is more than you expected. Everyone around you is having a good time. The chandeliers are sparkling, candles are glowing and sweet soft music is playing in the background. To your pleasant surprise you see others there you know. You are seated with them and in your heart you think there just couldn't be anything better!

The table is just exquisite. Breathtaking really. The people at your table begin to talk to you in jolly conversation. You glance at the menu and you don't even know where to begin! You look over everything slowly and carefully, especially the dessert menu! All of your life you have been hearing about this restaurant's marvellous and divine desserts. Deep in your heart, you have been looking forward to enjoying dessert the most!

Everyone at your table orders their food. For dessert they all order chocolate cake. You think, "Hey that sounds perfect. I'll have chocolate cake too please." The waiter nods in approval and quickly swifts off to put in your order. In the meantime, you are still enjoying the surroundings, the music and the company. You grab your husband's hand and sigh "Yes, life just couldn't get any better."

The food comes and everything looks just pleasing. Some of the things you tasted you really love, some of the things you didn't. Either way, you know that dessert is on it's way. That thought in and of itself is just exciting! Then you see him, your waiter! Your wonderful, blessed waiter with a silver tray full of plates of chocolate cake! He comes and starts handing out plates to those you know. You look at the cake and to put it simply, it looks just divine. You're even more excited now! The waiter comes to your side and then passes you and your husband. You are shocked and think there must be some mistake. you don't know what to do, but rather than make a fuss you think, "Just wait, I will get my chocolate cake soon too."

Those that have their dessert are going on and on about how amazing the taste is. You smile, you are truly happy for them. Deep down you are anxious and their feelings only feed your curiosity and desire. Then you see the waiter again and think, "Ahhh, here he is." You notice that he starts handing out seconds and thirds to those that have already had their piece of cake. Your husband doesn't notice, he's busy chatting with the fellow next to him! Deep down though you get a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. You know something is wrong, something is very, very wrong.

You ask the waiter, "Excuse me please. Where is my chocolate cake that I ordered"? The waiter just replies, "The baker has said that you must wait." He rushes off and not another word is said. Time goes on. You still enjoy the surroundings, the people and the conversations. All the while though, you can't get chocolate cake out of your mind. Time keeps creeping by and soon your husband notices too, "Where is our dessert?" You hold his hand and look into his loving eyes and think, "Even without chocolate cake, life is still good."

Time, however, creeps and it creeps. At moments it seems like it has even stopped. It's getting late and people are noticing you haven't received your dessert yet. Questions start arising and you just don't know how to respond. You look around other tables and notice that people are also getting their third, fourth and fifth servings of dessert. "Why" is all you have to lean upon. You notice that others have ordered things for dessert besides chocolate cake. There is cherry pie, brownie ice cream sundaes, raspberry cheesecakes and such. They seem just as pleased, if not more pleased with their desserts and you wonder, "Should I order cherry pie too"? You talk to the waiter and he simply says, "I'm sorry ma'am, you just need to be patient and wait."

You are starting to burn inside. Despite all of your best efforts you are beginning to boil. You really want to jump on top of the table and stomp while shouting, "Where is my chocolate cake." You don't though because you know that will get you no where! Instead you look around and notice that there are some that are refusing their chocolate cake. "It will make me fat" one says. "Ugh. I have enough already" another states. One woman, simply dumps her beautiful chocolate cake onto the floor.

As you look deeper around you, you notice there are a few others that are waiting too. Your heart goes out to them. You smile and wish there was something more you could do. You know their pain and it hurts. It really hurts.

Finally, the waiter comes and he has chocolate cake on that familiar beautiful silver platter...and he has enough for two. One for your husband and one for you! Your so elated with joy that you can't hardly stand it!!! You tell everyone at your table and they are just as happy for you. "We knew it would happen" they say. "You just needed to relax"! Little did they know that deep inside relaxing was the last thing you were feeling! You look at your husband. Tears are in both of your eyes. You carefully take a taste. It's such sweet, sweet perfection. You go to take another and just before you do the waiter comes and gently takes your plates away. "Something is wrong" he says. "Don't worry my dear, the time is soon."

There's confusion. Sadness. Anger. Above all though, you are just deeply and truly heartbroken. Heartbroken to the very core. You don't know what to do. You turn to others for support. They cry with you and too ask why. You take a deep breath and find the strength to go on. You have been given the promise that you will receive dessert. It is just not understood as to when. You decide to put your full trust in the baker. You reach far inside within yourself and find the effort to ask your husband to dance.

He looks at you and smiles..."Yes, I would love to dance with you my dear one." You both get up, leave the table and set off to dance.

As you are dancing, you get your bearings. You again begin to notice your surroundings. The beautiful surroundings that have so magically grabbed your attention in the first place. You remember the music, the sounds, the smell of the sweet flowers. You breath. That's all you can do. You breath and slowly begin to enjoy the moment again. Slowly, it all comes back to you. The things you love. Being with the person you love the most. The pains you have just felt are still there. Still vulnerable, but you feel life again. Yes, life is still good.

After quite a few dances, you both decide it's time to sit at your table. People still have their desserts and their chocolate cakes. Your space is still empty. You decide, however, to really focus on those around you. In doing so you find more joy. The desire for dessert is still there- but it's manageable. Time moves on.

Then suddenly, out of nowhere, your waiter appears. He has the biggest smile on his face. He is pleased to announce that you and your husband's dessert is finally here!! Your heart wells up with joy, but you're afraid too. You ask the waiter, "Will you take it away"? "No, this one was made especially for you." You smile back, hardly believing that this could be true or real. You look at it and it's not a dessert you have ever seen before. It's then that you realize that the baker has made a dessert with all of your favorite colors and flavors. Careful detail was lovingly taken into every consideration. "How did He know that this is exactly what I wanted"? The waiter just smiles and says, "Because he knows and loves you." If you look, you can see him there. You look and at the door, through the little round window you see a gentle man with tears in his eyes. He is grinning from ear to ear and looking at you and your husband. You can't hardly see anymore because of all of the happy tears. You whisper a big "Thank You" and in your heart you feel that this simple phrase will never be enough.

You look at the people around you, they too have tears in their eyes. They too are smiling from ear to ear. Everything is so precious and tender now- even more so than when you first arrived here. It's then that you learn that the pains you have felt all along the way. The waiting, the crying, the agony. It's all been a special recipe to make this moment this much more wonderful and sacred.

In your soul you take a deep breath and slowly let out a big sigh of gratitude.

You grab your husband's hand and sigh again, "Yes, life just couldn't get any better."

Feb - 2003

By Christine Dallimore

I'm an aunt! (Again)

DH's younger sister (although she is still 3 years older than me) had her baby today! Baby boy was born at 10:30 am. DH called to give me the news and he was so sad. In fact he freaked me out, I thought something happened to SIL or the baby. Turns out all is well, he was just very upset we can't have kids. I felt good and bad at the same time. Good - because he is really starting to feel this pain I have been dealing with for YEARS. Bad - well because he has to feel that pain. I don't think either of us really thought it would take this long. Oh well, onward and upward.

Good bye 27, hello 28!

Today is my 28th birthday. Last year I wrote this post about the life I had imagined I would be living by the time I turned 27. Now here I am, another year older and still in the same place.

This year I will not be sad about the life I thought I would have by 28. I have plenty of time to live that life. Today I am just grateful for the life I have, for my friends and family. I am thankful that 27 is gone and a new year of life is just beginning. 28 will be a great year! No matter what the state of my uterus is. Bring it on!

Next step

Not quite sure what we will do next. We do still have the 3 Day1 embryos left, but given that it took 6 to get 2 ok ones, I am not very hopeful about them. Plus my last cycle was a living crap fest! That really makes me think twice about jumping right back into things. I have a blog about my RE office I am going to post eventually. I am so fed up with them! Needless to say we will be looking for another office for IVF #2.

We are now in saving mode again. It looks like it will be at least 6 months before we can afford to do this all again. Which makes me feel sad but also relieved. Let's face it, this IVF thing is not easy and my cycle history has been extra fun, with OHSS and side effects up the ying-yang. I am kind of happy we have to take a break. And I think we will will re-evaluate what we really want to do. Yes, we did this before our first cycle, but things are very different now. Bottom line, I want to be a mom and being pregnant isn't as important as it use to be for me. After having so much fun on hormones I wonder if I will be able to handle being pregnant. I am kind of scared of it now. Does that sounds totally crazy??? I feel pretty crazy these days.

AF finally showed up yesterday, so I am hoping my body/emotional state will go back to normal now that I am not all hopped up on hormones. I have my WTF appointment next week, but I'm not really sure I am ready for it. So I may cancel. I just want this to be over with.

Bummer

Negative...

Not surprised but devastated.

Still alive

I am still here. Just laying low. My 2ww is almost over and I feel, well, peaceful. I know I will not die if I get another BFN. I am stronger than that. I really hope we get our miracle this month, but I need to trust in the Lord and His timing and His plan. Deep breaths.

RE switch, transfer, and Valium, oh my!

Yesterday's transfer went well. We transfered 3 embryos back. 2 were at 5 cells and 1 was a little behind at 4. I was a little upset because my RE wasn't even there. He had the other Dr in the office, who I have only seen once at my last transfer for 2 min, do my transfer. There were things I had discussed with my RE at our last WTF appt that this guy didn't know about. I just tried to tell him what info I needed and move on. I was concerned about the embryos not being at 8 cells yet. He said they were right on track and were perfect according to when they were taken out and began to grow. They also had to use 6 of our remaining embryos. So my guess is they took out the first 3, one did not survive and the other 2 were not good quality so they quickly removed the next three. I did get pictures this time. They are so beautiful! I took a pic with my phone and sent it to DH. Last night he said he wanted to walk around work and "show them off" to people. HAHAHA! Then he said,"but then I thought that may be weird." He is already a proud dad.

I know that this is all in the Lord's hands and I need to just relax and let Him do His work. I had asked the RE if it was ok to put them back when they weren't quite at 8 cells and he said the best place for them to be is in my uterus, so that is where they are. Beta is on the 16th.

Oh one last thing. The 5 mg of Valium did NOTHING for me. HAHAHA! I felt no different. I was pretty relaxed about all of it from the second we got to the hospital. I only took it in hopes to relax even more and maybe get some rest during the time I had to spend in bed after the transfer. Oh well. It was a very good day and my mind was at peace about everything. I have done all I can.

Why do I worry?

Seriously, what a waste of time! Yesterday my lining was only at 8.9 cm. The nurse laughed and said see, you are fine. (I called her in a panic on Tuesday, and she was so wonderful and totally calmed my mind. Have I said how much I love her.) So transfer is set for Monday. She actually said I could do it any day that worked for me, but with my boss being out next week, Monday will work best. I got my rx for Valium. YES! I am excited to be relaxed and carefree this time. Last time was so anxiety inducing. Hopefully my bp will be low and even and normal, last time it was so high before the transfer.

How am I feeling? Just kind of like whatever. Not really excited not doubtful, just whatever. I am excited to go in and see how our day 1 embies did. My RE has said they are more like fresh embryos, so they have a better chance at success. I am interested to see how many we have. They are frozen in sets of 3 and he said he would transfer 3 if they all make it. I see that as pretty unlikely, but that would be neat. I am also excited to get a picture of our little ones this time. All in all, I am just pretty ready for it to be over with. I want my embryos in my uterus now!

As far as side effects go, yesterday was a rough day. I was so anxious! I think it was because of the whole lining thing. Today seems to be a lot better thus far. I started my progesterone suppositories and antibiotics today, hoping they won't throw more insanity into the mix.

Getting thick

My lining is getting nice and thick. I guess these hormones are really doing their job. Yesterday my lining was at 7 cm already. (I need to be between 8-10) I was excited and thought they would want me back on Wednesday to do another measurement. No such luck. They want me back on Thursday to check again. I went home and told my mom what happened and she asked why it only took 4 days (since the day my cycle stopped) to grow 7 cm and now they want me back in 3 days. Won't I be too tick by then?? I didn't even think to ask the nurse. So I placed a call in today to have her call me. I'm sure they know what they are doing. I am just worried because I have been so afflicted this time with side effects, and I don't want to do this over again simply because my lining got too thick.*

I have felt a tiny bit better yesterday and today. I still would like to put life on hold for a bit to just let my body adjust to all of this. I am so tried and could really use a break. Luckily the weather is cooling off a bit here and will be in the low 90's to high 80's. I can handle that a lot better than the 100's.



*I had asked my RE during my WTF appt for last cycle if we could postpone the transfer a day if it was going to be on a Monday since DH has a really hard time taking Monday's off. He told me we could but that it could adversely affect the outcome of the cycle because they transfer when my lining is best and letting it go one more day could be too much. So to me it doesn't make sense that I only have 1-2 cm to go and I have 3 days to wait.

Side effects

Side effects, side effects, I love you! I looked back through my posts to see how I did with our last FET. Turns out I was lucky in that I had no side effects from the meds. This time is not the same. Not only am I ultra emotional, see post below, I also am super tired, anxious, nauseated, lethargic at times and just feel yucky overall. Anyone else experience any of this while doing a FET? I am not even growing eggs for heavens sake! I called the nurse and she said everything was totally normal and my body was just adjusting to the estrogen pills. Well hurry up already! Maybe last time my body was a little more use to it because I had just gone through our IVF cycle where my E2 was over 7000 the day of retrieval. So it was like "shoot E2 rising, no problem. Been there done that."

This cycle is kicking my butt, and I don't like it one bit. I even told DH I don't think I could do it again. My body just hates me too much. I know that in the end it will be worth it when I hold that precious little baby in my arms, but when you have failed before it makes the end goal seem so far off. Truth be told I would do this 10x if I knew in the end it would result in a real live human baby, but there are no guarantees. Sure the statistics are on our side, but you never know which side of the statistic you will fall in.

Ok, ok, I am done being negative now. I know I will do it again if we still have embryos left, which is highly likely. On a good note my boss has been AMAZING! I have been working from home on afternoons when I have felt really crappy. Which is nice since I have no sick time left. He has told me to just take care of myself and be sure to get the rest I need. I am so grateful. DH has also been wonderful, as usual, and has been taking very good care of me. I am so thankful to have such a great partner to go through all of this with. I know I couldn't do it alone.

Insanity

Yep, I am living in a state of constant insanity. I cry like a baby at the drop of a hat. This hormone stuff sucks. My appt yesterday went well. E2 was at 58, I was a little nervous, but everything looked amazing. Apparently my RE was a little worried about how quickly my uterus responded last time because this time he wants to see me in a week. So I will go in for another scan on Monday. I am guessing my transfer will still be early the week of August 2nd.

Oh and surprise, I don't have to pay the $750 RE fee this cycle. I was a little shocked. When I asked the front desk lady why she asked if I had just done a fresh cycle, I said no, then she asked if I was doing consecutive cycles, why yes I am, then there is no charge she said. Say what?!? Ok, I'll take it. So I ran out the door as fast as I could before she changed her mind. I will still have to pay the $350 hospital fee, but that is no big deal.

So my SIL is pregnant, my brother's wife. Best part is I found out via FB. Nice. My brother texted us all about 2 hrs later to inform us baby #2 was on the way, little late bro. This is the same SIL who stole my baby name.* (And will be taking our other girl name if #2 is a girl or our boy name if it is a boy. Yep she is fun.) I guess I am a little upset about it because I swear she is just trying to get pregnant before me. She was trying to be all up in my business during IVF #1 and FET #1, but never really showed any interest after they failed. My sweet niece just turned 2 and SIL has been wanting another since my niece was 7 months. But, they live with her parents, and older sister, and my brother is still in school. So my brother has been able to hold it off until now. I guess her persuasive powers won the war. Really, I am happy to have another baby on my side on the way, since my bother and I are the only two married. I just wish it was me...

I hope I can get my emotions more under control. Luckily DH is amazing and has put up with all the insanity I throw his way. Poor guy. I don't really feel excited or nervous about this cycle just yet. It is like I am on autopilot just going through the motions. I did remember to ask the nurse for Valium for this transfer. No problem. I want to be as relaxed as one can possibly be with my bottom in the air for the whole world to see. I am really looking forward to that.

*Conversation with SIL while she is 8 months preggo with my niece...

ME: So do you have a name?

SIL: Well we like Rea.gan

ME: Please don't use Rea.gan I have loved that name forever and was planning on using it for our first little girl. Oh well, if you use it I can use Ken.nady. I like that name too.

SIL: Oh Ken.nady is going to be our second little girl's name

Mind you I had mentioned the name Re.agan several times before at family things saying that would be our first little girl's name. It's ok, my niece is darling and the name fits her well. It just makes me sad that she is so evil. I guess we will have to come up with new names.

Game of Life

We bought the retro version of the game Life a few weeks back. I loved this game as a child. It was so much fun to go to college, get a job, get married, make money, and have kids. Now DH and I have been playing it about once a week when he needs a break from studying. I am embarrassed to admit I am obsessed with hitting the kid squares. Like if I have twin boys in the game maybe that will come true in real life. I don't even care about what occupation I have or how much money I win, all I want to see is, "A daughter is born. Collect presents." I will admit, last night I even cheated. I had passed most of the "kid squares" and spun a 3. I noticed that if I only went 2 I would have a son. Luckily DH was not paying attention and I counted 3 and went 2. I was so excited to finally have that little blue peg in the back of my blue plastic car. As if the little blue son was to say that now this "life" I was pretending to have was valid. As if I was going to have children in real life because the game, that I had now cheated at, said so. Like maybe this transfer would be the one. I feel totally ridiculous to admit that a child's game could lead me to believe such things. I am not a superstitious person, I do not believe in horoscopes or fortune tellers, so why does this silly game have such a hold on me. I even secretly hope DH will land on the squares, like maybe we can add all our kids together at the end to boost our chances. (Which, by the way, he had 5 kids last night! He didn't have enough room for all the pegs in his car and one son had to lay down in the middle.)

When we play and I have kids later in the game or not at all I look at my little blue and pink peg and feel pity for them. "They must be infertile," I think. I hope and pray that their luck will change, that I will spin the right number so I can add pegs to the back seat. After all, they are driving a 6 passenger car and what a lonely car that is when it is empty. Like our family car is and our 4 bedroom home.

I know, it's crazy, but every time I land on one of those squares my heart skips a beat and is filled with hope.

Trip

I survived the IL's!! Even a very pg SIL. I am pretty proud of myself. I participated in all the fun activities and even baby/pregnancy talk. (Since that was about all the women talked about.) SIL was much better then I thought she would be. She didn't complain once and was taking every precaution to make sure she was being healthy and safe. (She even gave away a full pack of gum when she realized it had Aspartame in it.) She looks amazing and all I could do is hope that very soon I will be in her shoes.

So I only have 11 total pics from the trip. We went kayaking on Monday and my camera took an unexpected plunge in the ocean along with my entire body. Scariest moment of my life. I was pretty sure I was going to die as the waves threw my body, the ore and kayak like rag dolls. I was also right next to a very large reef. Thank goodness everything turned out ok, well except for the dead camera.

It was really hard to come back to work on Tuesday. Both DH and I survived and are looking forward to this weekend. I start Lupron on Saturday. My next appt is the 19th. Looking forward to stating it all again.

We're back

I survived. The beach was beautiful and we had a lot of fun. There are lots of finteresting stories to tell, but I have so much to do. I will have to update more tomorrow. Let me just say my pregnant SIL was wonderful. Yes, most talk turned to pregnancy and babies, but I was ok. We will be there someday too.

I know so much has gone on in the past week. I want to send out my deepest love to Rebecca and her husband Nick who lost her little girl Lillian at almost 23 weeks due to premature labor. Please stop by and read about her sweet little girl and offer your support. It is such a devastating loss.

Bye for now...

We are off to the beach to relax and enjoy our family. (That is if MIL doesn't drive me crazy.) Wish me luck as we will be in the same house as my very pregnant SIL who never wanted kids and finds her pregnancy to be much of a nuisance. (She read online that your fertility decreases after age 30, so before she turned 31 they decided to try and, big surprise, it worked.) I have a load of good books and lots of sunscreen. Until next week...

Protocol

I just called the RE's office and got my protocol for our upcoming cycle. This is what I know so far...

Start Lupron 10 unit - 7/10
Stop bcp - 7/16
First u/s - 7/19

I am grateful I don't have to worry about injections until after we get back from vaca. We are moving right along.

And so it begins...

FET #2 is underway. I started bcp on Tuesday. (AF finally showed up on cd39, Sunday) I saw my RE on Monday. The waiting room was totally packed! It was awful. There was a lady whose phone kept going off every 2 mins. There was a lady with her husband and 4 yr old son. (I’m not a huge fan of kids in an RE office, sorry.) Then there was the super skinny lady pulling receipts out of her wallet and balancing her checkbook. And not just a few. Like 30+. When I finally got called back I told rude coordinator that my bp may be high because of the waiting room, “Well it’s Monday morning. What did you expect?!?” I wanted to knock her upside the head. Then after she takes my bp I ask her what it was. No answer. She turns around about a min later and says, “Did you ask me something?” Yes rude lady, I would like to know what my bp was!

The RE comes in a few min later and answers my questions. Apparently they do grade the embryos and give out pictures if you ask for them. Don’t know why any woman wouldn’t want that kind of info. So I asked him about our last transfer and he said one was an A and the other was like an F. Ok, good to know.

Also they freeze the embryos in sets of 3, so they will only take 3 out to thaw at a time. It looks like they will transfer back all 3 if they thaw properly. I was a little nervous about that, but they won’t re-freeze any. So I would rather them be in me if they have any chance. So that could potentially give us 3 more tries at a FET. He did say if they thaw out one set and none survive they quickly thaw another. I would hate to go through the prep and have nothing to transfer. My transfer should happen the week of August 2nd. Oh and he didn’t even give me my schedule. They were so busy he said he would have rude coordinator call me in a few days to get it all set up. After all, I am an “old pro at this now”. (His words)

Mostly I am feeling optimistic about this cycle. I feel like since these are day 1 embies they are more like fresh ones. (At least that is what the RE has told me.) I have been sick the last few days, so I haven’t really had the chance to let it sink in that we are back in the saddle. Truthfully, I wouldn’t want it any other way. Waiting to cycle is hard. I am not one of those girls who just relaxes and enjoys the time off. It is always on my mind. I think I am finding more peace in this cycle now that I have been through it already. Last time I was so scared and didn’t even know what to ask, embryo grade, pics, etc. Now I do kind of feel like an “old pro”. I know not to drink as much water. I am also going to ask about Valium before the transfer. That seems to be pretty normal thing to be given to help the uterus relax. Any opinions on this? Plus last time I was so tense, my RE asked me to relax my bottom. I’m sure it was not the most welcoming environment for our embies.

Looking back I am glad things turned out the way they did. I would love to be pregnant right now, but it wasn’t meant to be. Now I can go into this transfer calm and ready. I just feel so blessed we have 9 more tries. 9 more little ones that could possibly be our baby!

No I haven't

POAS that is. I really don't see how with our MFI I could be with child on my own. Certainly I will not doubt God's power and ability to make that happen, miracles do happen. But for us I feel like when we get pregnant with IVF/ICSI that will be OUR miracle. Sometimes medical intervention is the miracle. (And being born in a time when it is available, and being able to afford it.) I only have one stick left. I have considered using it, but that thought leaves me pretty quickly. I guess some of it has to do with the failed cycle. I had at least one perfect little embie on board and not even it resulted in a line on the stick. I figure if I haven't started by Monday I will have the RE's office do one. Well maybe. If they think it is warranted.

I wish I was charting like Sarah had mentioned. I haven't done that since... oh who knows, the beginning. I'm sure miss AF is just lying it wait. She is a tricky little devil.

PS I have no symptoms either way. I just feel normal.

Lost??

My AF seems to be lost! Today is cd 35 and I am pretty regular with 31 day cycles. I am guessing this has something to do with all the drugs and hormones I have been pumping into my body the last few months. Has your cycle been longer after a failed IVF or FET??

I did schedule my next appt with my RE on Monday, so I will be asking him if she hasn't come to visit by then. (cd 40) The only other time I have been this late is right before our IVF in February. And that was stress related. I know I have been stressed lately but come on! Hopefully she comes soon.

I received my letter from the office stating bcp need to be started on cd3 for the cycle starting after June 7th. So I will be starting those pretty soon. Transfers will be taking place between August 2-13. Man that seems so close! Didn't we just do this?! I am starting to get a little excited!

I know, I know

I have been missing. The last week has been hell! (to put it lightly) My step-dad had a hear.t atta.ck last Tuesday, 5/25. He is ok and came home yesterday. We were all really worried and scared he wouldn't make it. Luckily he did and all is well now. It's a long story, but the Read.er's Di.gest version is: He had a hea.rt att.ack 2 years ago from a freak birth defect artery that he never knew existed. The docs put in a stin.t and a few different meds to control everything. He had his hi.p rep.laced two weeks ago on 5/19 and had to go off all meds, so that he didn't blee.d to de.ath during surg.ery. Refused bl.ood tran.sfusion the next day even though his doc recommended it. (Duh dad, it is 2010 it's safe to get a transfusion!) And a week later he was rushed to the ho.spital via am.bulance and then right to the OR. Crazy week! There was tons of drama far beyond what anyone should deal with, he has in.sane children from his fir.st marriage and they are awf.ul to say the least. Bottom line, he's fine.

I have been really bad and have yet to go back to my RE for my WTF appt. I just have no motivation. It looks like a July transfer is out. Maybe we will shoot for August. After our BFN I have no desire to do that all over again. But every time I see a baby all I want is to have our own. Ironic that the only way I can do that is the thing I am now avoiding like the plague. Plus sweet DH is studying with a new program for the C.PA. He has been out of school since Dec. 2005 and started getting serious about it about a year later. He has yet to pass any of the 4 parts. Lots of time and money spent on heartache. We are hopeful that this new really intense, really expensive program will help him accomplish his goal. How does this relate to IF, he is required to study 30-35 hrs per week from now until November. Did I mention he works 45-50 hrs per week and has a 2 hr commute? So I now feel like I will be going at this next cycle somewhat alone. I thought about postponing all IF related stuff until he is done, but I don't want to. I want to continue, well most days I do.

Still really considering transferring to a new RE if our next FET is a bust. We won't be able to afford another fresh cycle, mostly thanks to above mentioned program, until the beginning of next year. I guess I have plenty of time to mull this over in my brain. I think this is a contributing factor to my reluctance to use our last 9 embies. I know that once that cycle is over we are back to square one. Sigh...

I didn't mean for this post to be all depressing. Life really is going well and I am trying to enjoy DH while he still has free time. (He starts the study program June 7) We are taking our trip in 3 weeks and I am looking forward to a little R&R. Oh and the food! I swear I could eat my way through any city.

Already?

Today is our 7 year wedding anniversary. All I can say is time has flown by! I feel so blessed to have married my best friend. I have enjoyed the last 7 years immensely. This journey through IF has not been easy, but it has been bearable with DH by my side. I hope this will be our last anniversary as a family of 2.

Next...

I am feeling better. Thank you for all of your love. This IF journey is just hard sometimes. Ok, maybe ALL the time! I had a bloggy friend who got a BFN after her IVF today and my heart broke for her. All the feelings of disappointment and failure flooded back in. If you have a second, go over and support Mrs. A.

I guess part of the reason I am so on edge about this next FET, which still isn't officially scheduled by the way, is that if this doesn't work we are done for a while. We cannot afford another fresh cycle, and it will be a bit before I am ready to go back to that. (After all the happened with my last cycle.) I wonder how likely I would be to have OHSS again... anyone know??

I am just taking life day by day and hoping I can find the energy to cycle again. I know it is only a FET, but getting another BFN would hurt so much. I don't know how some of you ladies do it cycle after cycle. It is too hard. Trying to find that positive person that was here a few weeks ago. I think she is buried real deep. She might be hiding in a corner. I'm sure I'll find her, eventually.

Hope...

I am trying really hard to get the hope back from last cycle. It was hard to get a BFN when I was SO sure it worked. I know that it is His plan, I just don't get it. How do you revive the hope that seems to be lost?

We have the 9 embryos left and after that we are back to square one. We have been praying a lot about possibly switching clinics. I do like my RE and his staff, but there are just some things I would like to be different. I would like to have a more active role in my care. I felt like I had to pull the info I wanted out of the IVF "nurse". The real nurse at the clinic, that did my u/s, was always more than happy to tell me everything, but I only saw her for all of 2 min. So it was hard to get all the info out. I just felt like they didn't think I was a well informed woman who wanted to know as much as possible about my blood work, medication, embryos, etc. I felt like they told me the bare minimum, and when I asked for more it was a hassle. It really bothered me... But the location is wonderful and they are a couple thousand dollars less than other clinics.

The cost isn't the main hurdle, it is location. Our clinic is 1 hr south of us and our families live in the same city. So I always have a place to crash and a sister or my mom to go with me to my appointments. The other 2-3 clinics we have been looking at are 1-2 hrs north. We have no family or friends that live close by. So that means I would have to travel both ways on the days of my appointments. Plus I would not want to go alone, so I would have to find friends from church to go with me. DH may be able to go to a few, but his work is not super flexible. The stress and anxiety of trying to line up fiends to go with me may be more of a hassle and hindrance than it is worth. I'm not sure.

IF just sucks!

Moving forward

Thank you again for all your support. You ladies are simply the best! Today is CD1 and I feel totally at peace with everything. Do I wish today I was celebrating being almost 5w pregnant instead of CD1, yes, but that is not the way things worked out this time. I know that the Lord has a plan and we just have to have faith and trust in Him.

So our next step will be going back to transfer our remaining embryos in July. We have a family vacation planned for the last week in June to Pismo Beach and I want to be able to ATV and kayak without having to worry about possibly being pregnant. (Since I would be in the middle of our 2ww if we did a transfer in June.) This vacation will be hard because DH’s youngest sister will be 7 months pregnant. I would’ve been 13 weeks if this cycle would’ve worked. So I’m sure pregnancy and birth will be all the women, MIL and my two other SIL’s, will be talking about. Plus we will be having a baby shower for her since we all live pretty far away from each other.

We have 9 day 1 embryos left. I think we will unfreeze all in hopes to get two perfect ones to transfer back. I first wanted to take out 5 and hope for 2, but given that we had 8 growing when we thought we would do a fresh transfer, before my OHSS got really bad, and only 3 became good embryos, I think we will do all 9. I don’t want to do all the hormones and get prepped and not have any high quality ones to transfer. The good news about freezing day 1 embryos is they are not as affected by the freeze thaw process, according to my RE. Hopefully that will be the case and we can have success in July.

I don’t know how you ladies do all that you have. Going through one failed cycle was really yucky. And mine wasn’t even a fresh transfer, so the likelihood of failure was much higher. Now looking back I don’t know how I thought it would work. My clinic has very low success rates with frozen transfers. I remember saying that to the IVF nurse when she said we would likely skip the transfer and freeze all embryos. Her response, “When I first started here we didn’t have ANY pregnancies from frozen transfers, but now we’ve had like 7! In fact my best friend had twins from a frozen transfer.” Really, did she think that would make me feel better?!? A whole 7 pregnancies, now I really want to freeze everything. I felt like I had just flushed $10k down the drain. Maybe we can bring that total up to 8! HAHAHA!

Got the call

I was really hoping that the pee stick was lying. Nope, nurse at the RE office called, negative.

Thank you for all the love and support. I cannot tell you how much each virtual hug helps. I love you ladies! I couldn't make it through this without you.

BFN

I peed on a stick this morning at my mother's urging. It was negative. I know it's not fully over until the blood test, but it feels over. Today is 12dp3dt. It would've been positive if I was... Tears, lots of tears.

What IF....

When Mel posted the What IF Project I thought it would be really easy for me to write about the fear I have of NEVER seeing those two pink lines. That is what my original What IF was all about. I mean isn’t that something most of us fear, that it will never work… Then something changed, I know it is not if I will see them but when. So my original pick for the What IF was thrown out the window by the knowledge I now have that I will be a mom. I am still on cloud nine and feel more positive about this cycle every day, so I wanted to choose a What IF that was a little more positive and that, if it was a reality, would make this whole journey so much easier. So this is my new What IF…


What if every state passed a law that would require insurance companies to cover fertility treatments and A.R.T. so that people like me and my husband wouldn’t have to choose between their mortgage or having a family (from Melissa G)?


IF the above What IF happened, we would be able to have the family we have always dreamed of. When DH lost his job in February of ’09 we were in a very difficult situation. We had been saving all we could for IVF while still paying a ridiculously high mortgage. We decided to let go of our house instead of using our savings to pay the mortgage for 6 months. It was an agonizing decision. In the end it worked out wonderfully. (We purchased another home in this down market that is twice the size and ½ the cost of our first before our credit was ruined forever. Now our mortgage can be paid on one income.) But the point is what would have happened if our insurance covered IVF and we never had to make that decision.

I know for sure that if we had coverage for IVF we would have done it a lot sooner. We more than likely would be parents by now, and we could continue to build our family through the miracle of A.R.T. We live in Cali and some things are covered by our insurance. My ultrasounds and blood work were covered, as was my medication. I still had to pay the RE his fee and the hospital. So we paid over $10,000 out of pocket, which is not as much as most. I just wonder what it would be like if every family experiencing IF had the opportunity to pursue treatment if that is what they wanted to do. There will still be those that will opt to adopt and certainly even if insurance does cover treatment it’s no walk in the park. Certainly my OHSS was severe enough to scare me. So I do not think that IUI or IVF would be for every infertile couple.

I believe that if it was covered, infertility would not be so taboo. Maybe seeking treatment would be more openly discussed among friends, if it was seen for what it is a medical condition and not something brought on from bad luck or bad decisions. Maybe we could seek treatment earlier. I loved what Mel said in her talk on the Hill, “If the children are indeed America’s future, we’ll do more to ensure that they get here.” I hope to see this What IF become a reality in my lifetime.

Please check out this link for some basics on infertility: www.resolve.org/infertility101 And this one to learn more about National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW): www.resolve.org/takecharge.

And now for my What IF's....

What IF I end up with what I have always wanted and it all makes sense in the end?
What IF this journey changes me for the better?
What IF I can help just one person by sharing my story?
What IF my marriage is strengthened because of this journey?
What IF I am a better parent because I had to work so hard to get my children here?
What IF…

Not quite sure why...

I am so happy today! I just have this smile on my face and feel like I am walking on a cloud! Now, this could change in an instant, but for this moment I am happy. I really feel like things are going well in my uterus. I feel like we have a little one, or two, growing and making their home for the next 37ish weeks. I may be totally wrong, but I cannot deny this feeling I have growing in my heart. I thank my Heavenly Father for this blessing!

I have been really mixed on the outcome the last week. I have been scared and nervous and feeling like maybe it didn't work... Then we had this amazing spiritual uplifting weekend and the good feelings are sticking around. I am so grateful.

Some have asked if I will be testing before my beta on Monday. I think I may POAS on Saturday or Sunday morning. I haven't really felt the urge, not quite sure why. We shall see what the early morning hours of this weekend bring.

I am going to join the "What IF" conversation Mel is having, but I have had a hard time thinking about the negative the past few days. I do not want to pass up the opportunity to recognize National Infertility Awareness Week, so I think I will see what I can come up with in the next few days.

To all my IF sisters, much love and happiness from this IF lady to you! Life is good!

Tears, tears, tears...

I have been a big crying mess the last few days. Holly moley I hope this is a good sign. I know it is still too early to really tell one way or the other. I'm sure all the tears are due to the hormones I am forcing into my body. Good times. I actually feel better today than I did last week. Today is 7dp3dt. I don't know that that is a good sign. I am trying really had not to freak out and realize that what will be will be. Good or bad. Easier said than done, I know.

2dp3dt

I have waited so long to type that kind of title. I was so excited on Monday to finally have the opportunity to have embryos in my uterus! Let me recap the day for you.

Transfer was set to begin at noon. I was instructed to be at the hospital by 10:30 am. My mom was taking me and we got there a little bit before 10:30. While I was checking in with the receptionist, the phone rang. She had just started writing my name and I was a but annoyed that she didn't finish before answering the phone. "I am checking her in right now," she said. She got off the phone and told me they were running ahead of schedule and were ready for me. She had the one of the ladies check me in right away, even though there were like 10 people in front of me. We checked in and went up the elevator. We sat out in the waiting are for about 5 min and a nurse came out to take us back. She took my bp 134/105, whoops I guess I was a little nervous. I promised it was never that high. She said she would check it again later.

We went to my little holding room and I changed and got ready. The nurse came in with some bottled water and told me to start drinking. I reassured her I would not need very much, my bladder is the size of an acorn, I don't think she believed me. Then the OR nurse came in and my RE not much later. He told me we had 2 out of 3 embryos to transfer and that one had not survived. He said one was perfect and the other a little slower growing. My mom was quite concerned that one was slow growing, I told her not to worry that what would be would be.

They came to wheel me in a little after 11:15. They moved me over to the nifty IVF bed and got me into position. My RE slid some leg warmers on my feet and the nurse placed them into the "this-is-not-a-joke-don't-move" stirrup. Then they pulled my gown back to my naval. I had no clue I would be so exposed. I guess I should have figured since they have to do an external u/s. Luckily having to pee occupied all my thoughts. My RE got me prepped and ready while the other RE, the one I have never met because he only does IUI's, held the wand in position. They made sure the catheter was in the right place and then removed it and stuck it back in with the embryos. The RE holding the u/s turned the monitor so I could see the white spot that was located in the center of my lining. "And that's them right there," he said. I was amazed. I had real live things inside me. Then my RE emptied my bladder with a catheter. I was in heaven at that point. Embryos in, pee out! The nurse checked my bp again 90/70, perfect.

I laid in the OR for 15 min and was then transferred to another bed and taken to the recovery room. (All of the IVF's are performed at the hospital next to the RE's office, but they hold all the IVF patients in a separate area. Which is nice.) I stayed in the 45* angle with my feet above my head for an hour and then they slowly transitioned me to sitting up. I felt so incredible after it was all done. I still feel pretty great!

Bed rest the last 48 hrs has not been very fun. It is hard to stay in bed with your hips propped up. I am glad that part is over. Now begins the wait until my beta on May 3rd. I do have 2 pee sticks in the house and I'm sure I will use one before then.

PUPO!

Everything went great today. We had 2 embryos survive the thaw. One perfect and one slow growing. Both are now resting nicely in what will be their new home for the next 9 months!

The transfer was pretty uncomfortable. I was pretty positive my bladder was going to leak all over our RE. Luckily I was able to keep it all in. The RE graciously emptied it for me when we were done. I am on cloud nine thinking about these little things growing in me. I will update more later.

Bed rest

I need some advice, after an ET how long should you be on bed rest? My RE recommends at least 24 hrs. I was thinking more along the lines of 48 hrs. We are doing a 3dt so I think I need longer than a 5dt. I don't know. I want to be as careful as possible. I think most of us would stay in bed a week if we knew we would get a BFP at the end of a cycle. So ladies, what did you do?

On another note I cannot stop smiling. That was my FB status update today. I am so ready to do this. It is going to work! I love happy thoughts!

All systems are go!

I woke up feeling really great today. No real reason, I just knew it would be a great day. I went in the RE's office expecting this my first u/s and I would need to come back on Monday. Apparently my body is amazing right now and my ute knows just what to do because my transfer is set for MONDAY!!! My lining is at 8.8 and has a beautiful 3-layer look. I guess that is what they want. So no more u/s or blood work. Which is nice because the lab lady jacked my are a bit today. DH is a bit worried since he told his work at the earliest it would be the 22nd. I told him sorry but all systems are go! Now I am just praying our 3 little embies un-freeze perfectly and 2 look as perfect as they did the day they were frozen.

I am so happy!!

Happy 101

I have been very happy lately. I think the final little ailments from the OHSS are FINALLY gone and I am starting to feel like me again! (YEAH!) So this post really fits in well.

I was given the Happy Blog Award by Rebecca at The road less traveled. If you don't know her, you should! She is a beautiful blogger and a great support during times of so much pain. I am so grateful for her friendship.

The rules: List 10 things that make your day & then give this award to 10 bloggers.

1. Having a partner in all of this that I truly love and adore and who has been my rock.

2.Not having side effects from the hormones I am currently putting in my body.

3. Having bloggy friends who are the only ones, other than DH, who know "the whole story". And who have supported me through all of this crap.

4. Knowing that I am not alone in the land of IF.

5. Good chocolate leftover from Easter.

6. Yummy local honey bought at a Farmer's Market.

7. Having a beautiful place to come home to at the end of the day.

8. Planning DH's 35th birthday surprise. (Even of it was spoiled a bit today.)

9. A wonderful loving and supportive family and great friends.

10. Knowing there is a plan for all of us and feeling at peace with that.

The 10 bloggers that I’d like to pass this award on to…

1. Secret D

2. Priscilla

3. Sassy IF Lady

4. R.J.

5. Ms. A

6. Hannah

7. Jem

8. Tracey

9. Rebecca

10. Sarah

These are amazing ladies and I am so thankful for them.

I go back to the RE Thursday. I am hoping my body is still doing what it needs to.

Seeing blue

Today was the first day I could use the Estradoil the way it was intended, since AF left yesterday. (BTW this means sticking the tiny blue pill up inside my lady parts, for those that don't know.) I guess I didn't give another thought to the tiny blue pill until I went to take my first bathroom break a few hours later. I whipped and, "oh my heavens what is this blue junk!?!" Oh yeah, calm down, it is the aftermath of sticking a blue pill up my vajay-jay. Got it. Infertility, how fun you can be, making me see colors I thought I would never see on a sheet of TP. I felt like screaming out, "My discharge is blue!! It's blue!!" (think of Kate Hudson in "Bride Wars" when her new "wedding hair" is unveiled only to reveal the color was botched and she now has blue hair.) I'm sure some of you veterans out there are thinking well what did you think would happen sticking a blue pill up there? I guess I didn't think about it.

Tomorrow I start my patch. I wonder what adventures that will bring....

(By the way I am getting more pumped about this cycle. I cam to the conclusion that thinking the worst will not make it any easier when the worst happens. So why not be positive and think the best?!)

First appt

I had my first appointment yesterday for my FET. It went smoothly. Everything looks good. I asked about our embryos. IVF coordinator said we have 9 2pn (day 1 embies). I was like, "Um what about the other 8 they left out when we thought we would do a transfer. I know 5 were slow growing, but 3 were apparently great." Her response, "Oh well those often don't make it by the time we go to freeze. There is no report here that we froze any embryos. I can go check your file." Um, yes please do! Hello!! After what felt like an hour she comes back and says, "yep, you have 3 that were frozen and 5 slow growing that they discarded." Exactly as I thought. Way to give a girl a minor heat-attack. We knew about the 9, we want to use the 3 this time. I am hoping we can use the 9 for babies number 2+ (or 3+ if we get twins this first time. A girl can dream.)

I am trying really super hard to stay positive this time. This is going to work!! I keep telling myself this over and over. It will work. My body has responded beautifully to everything. It has started my menstrual cycle when needed, grown follicles, perfect uterine lining, etc. So I keep telling myself that our only issue is fertilization and now that we have passed that hurdle I will get pregnant. Once those embryos are in they will implant and everything will go according to plan. Like I said, a girl can dream right...

(PS We are looking at a transfer date of April 20-24)

FET underway

I am slowly getting back into the swing of things. I returned to work yesterday and have enjoyed not sitting in the house all day. It started to get really depressing. I had my appt with my RE, I guess you could call it a WTF, but I already knew what went wrong. I started bcp on the 17th and Lupron will start up again on Sunday the 28th. Ask me if I am optimistic about this cycle...

Not really...

I know women get pregnant from FET, but all the statistics show that a fresh transfer is so much better. I just feel jipped that we didn't even get to try it. I know we still have plenty of embryos... I know our chances may be better than most... it still doesn't take away the doubt. There was no way in my condition we could've done a fresh transfer, but it still really sucks!

Success stories about FET needed, please.

OHSS will be the death of me!

Seriously, this is not fun. On Sunday and Monday I was in so much pain. I cried for hours. Luckily yesterday and today have been so much better. I went for a "check-up" with the RE yesterday which meant I got an u/s and then the IVF coordinator, glorified medical assistant, came in and told me to keep up my fluids and took my waist measurement. (Which by the way is up 7 inches since retrieval last Thursday) I was like, I thought I was going to see the NP. Nope apparently not. She looked over the u/s and sent me home with more pain and nausea meds. Fabulous.


At least I can eat now. I haven't really eaten in days because my stomach gets full super fast and then it kills. Plus the nausea which made it next to impossible to eat anything. Most of that discomfort has gone away. Now it is just breathing and sleeping that are the main pains. My lady parts are floating in a sea of fluid. Did I mention I look 5 months pregnant? I didn't realize I looked that bad until yesterday in the lab they had me pee in a cup. In the last week I haven't really worn anything other then baggy sweats and sweatshirt. Today to go out in public I was wearing yoga pants and a normal top. I took one look and just started in amazement. Here is a little pic...




Yep, that's all fluid. No wonder I feel so gross. I have also developed several large cysts on each ovary. That, the RN who does the u/s, is why I feel so awful. She said if it was just one or the other it wouldn't be so bad.


So sorry I haven't been around much to comment. I promise to be back in full force soon! Miss and love you ladies!!

Transfer canceled

I am devastated. I have felt pretty awful, so I know it is the best decision, but that doesn't take away the sadness. I talked to my RE this morning, all the embryos that have yet to be frozen still look great and will be frozen today. He said given the number of embryos we have he really thinks we will have a successful FET. He was still somewhat willing to do the transfer, but really felt like it was not a good idea. When I told him I was feeling like we should postpone he said he agreed. He did call me in a pain medication, anti-nausea, and some kind of suppository to help with the symptoms.

I know 17 is a great number but I wanted 2 in me today. This journey has been nothing like what I thought it would be. I never imagined I would get OHSS and that is would reek havoc on my body. I didn't want to complicate things and make them worse by getting pregnant. That wouldn't be good for me or the baby. I know I made the right decision, it is just hard.

Fert report

We have 17 embryos!! The clinic is going to freeze half today as they wont be affected by the freeze thaw process at this stage. I still don't know if we will do the transfer due to the OHSS, which by the way is the worst thing ever! I now look like I am 5 months pregnant due to the fluid in my abdomen. Luckily I haven't been throwing up or put on any weight. (Well I guess that's not entirely true. Yesterday I was down 5 lbs when I got to the hospital and now I am back up to where I was all along.) I was in so much pain last night I told DH I don't want to be pregnant. I just want to feel better. I am so glad the morning brings clarity and peace. I am feeling better today and hope it continues to get better from here on out.

21!

They retrieved 21 mature eggs today. Not as many as I thought given my E2 levels. I am extremely pleased though. I am feeling pretty achy but good overall. I feel like pockets of air and gas are caught in parts of my body like my shoulder and chest. As I get up and move around they seem to get better. My mom and DH were both there which made me feel relaxed about the whole process. I am just grateful it all happened and wasn't canceled because of my E2 levels.

If this post seems a little all over sorry. I am still under the influence. Sorry I haven't commented much lately. OHSS has really kept me in bed most of the time. Hopefully I will be back up and running in the next few days and after transfer.

OHSS

Yep, I have it. I was so giddy when I saw those 25 big follies. Then I started to feel sick a day later. I went in on Monday for my second u/s and they said I was just about ready, most of the follicles were between 14-16. I was not to take any more Gonal and just coast for one day. I went in yesterday and they looked amazing. She counted 21 that were between 15-19. (Most were at 17-19) She told me there were more that were in there that she couldn't measure easily and guessed I had way more than 21 that were ready to go. I wasn't feeling great, but figured the follicles were sucking out all my energy. On Monday the nurse who does the u/s did show me the pockets of fluid that were pooling in my abdomen around my uterus and ovaries. She talked about how I can get dehydrated and feel sick so I need to drink water like a crazy person. It wasn't until Tuesday that I realized it was kind of serious. My IVF nurse came in and started saying things like, no transfer, and hospital stay. I was confused. Then she told me my E2 was really high and they needed me not to go into major OHSS.



E2 Levels:

Baseline - 39
After 7 day stims - 3067
After 9 days stims - 5826
9 days then coast - 6615



She said the absolute highest they like to see the E2 is 4000. Whoops. I guess I passed that a bit. So I triggered last night only with Ovadril and did not use the HCG Novarel. She said the Ovadril can actually help with OHSS while the HCG will only make it more severe.



I am trying not to freak out. I know this is out of my hands and there is nothing I can do. I am set to go in at 8 am tomorrow for my retrieval and hopefully have my transfer on Saturday or Sunday.



There are some good signs that it will not progress into a major problem...

1. I have not gained a single pound
2. I am not vomiting, I am nauseated but can keep everything down
3. My waist is measuring what it did before this cycle



So for now I will be drinking much more than the recommended 1/2 gallon of water. I have also noticed that taking a nap helps. Luckily since my clinic is over an hour away from home, I have not had to go to work. I have been staying with my parents and they are so wonderful and are making every accommodation to help me. The down side is DH has still had to work and hasn't been here with me. He dropped me off Sunday night for my Monday appt and will return tonight for the retrieval tomorrow. I miss him like mad! I don't do well away from him. I also will not be looking around Google for info. I don't need negative thoughts running around in my brain.

It will all be ok. I just need to remain calm and trust in the Lord.

Follicles!

I am feeling a lot better now than I was a few days ago. I still feel a little crazy, but realize it is a small price to pay. My main symptom now is the BLOAT! Wow, I feel like there is a ball in my belly! After today's appointment I know why I feel SOOO bloated.

I went back into the u/s room and the cute hip nurse put Wanda in place. "Wow, look at all those follicles." On my left ovary I had over 15 follicles that were between 10-13 mm. My right ovary was no father behind. She counted over 10 that were right in range. "And you have a whole bunch that are under 10." Well no wonder I feel like I am going to pop! My uterine lining also looks perfect. I did my bw only an hour before my appt, so they didn't have the results in for that just yet. So now I continue on Gonal 150 iu for today and tomorrow and I am back on Monday. DH also gave his sample for our frozen backup. I asked if they would call to tell me how many men they found, they said they would only call if they couldn't find any sperm to freeze. So now news is good news today. The nurse said that the "big labs" don't always number them when there are so few. But the embryologist can take a much better look, so no worries, they will find what they need. I am trying hard not to think about it. Worrying won't improve his sperm.

So I need to keep drinking a half gallon of water and keep with the low salt high protein diet for a few more days. Hoping all these follies are in perfect range on Monday.

This is not fun

I am on day 4 of Gonal at 225 iu and it sucks! Please tell me there are other women out there who have had issues with stims. I can't even really describe how I feel. I feel anxious a lot of the time and just kind of all over the place. I think my body is revolting. I only have one more day at 225 iu and then Thursday and Friday will be at 150 iu. I am over this. It is funny because I had no real issues with bcp or Lupron. A headache here or there, but nothing to complain about. Please tell me I am not slowly going crazy. DH thinks I am just sick with something else and doesn't think it is from the meds. I do think my allergies may be flaring up, which can make me feel loopy. I just need to make it until Saturday and hope my follies are looking amazing. Also, I am feeling some fullness in my lower abdomen already. Is it too early for that? I am not like having to wear different pants or anything like that, I just feel a bit bloated.

This IF stuff is not for the weak.

First real appt

Let's start with the good:

Ovaries and uterus look amazing! My E2 was 38, also great. I will start on 225 Gonal tomorrow. Next appointment is Saturday, also wonderful, DH will be able to come.

The bad:

DH's recent SA was still not good. Very few sperm and not much motility. So we will be doing a frozen sample on the 27th to have as back-up.

The appointment was a total breeze. The nurse who did the u/s was wearing super cute boots and was so nice. She looked like she was about my age or younger. I was kind of surprised that she wasn't wearing scrubs. (like everyone else) They did take a bit to get DH's SA. Apparently they sent his results to some MD in the town we did the sample in (about 90 miles N) and not to our RE. I had never heard of the MD. And they put a "c" on the end of his last name instead of an "e". So no wonder they couldn't find the results. Overall I still fell really zen about everything. I am trying not to stress about the lack of sperm and realize all we need is "a few good men". It will all be ok.

Prepped and ready to stim!!

The Big Box

The rest of my meds finally came today!! It was a BIG box.

I ripped it open to find this...

Well I should say most of this. Some of it did come lat week. It wasn't as much as I thought it would be, still enough to make me go a little crazy but not bad.

Also I did my first Lupron shot last night. (Actually DH gave it to me.) It wasn't bad at all. I could barely feel the needle. The medication did sting a bit. But all in all a very good experience. I sat there afterwards and thought, "ok, I can do this." Not that I was going to chicken out now. I am so excited to get this ball rolling. It has been 5.5 years in the making.

Oh and my grand total for meds, $291.73!! That is with paying full-price for the Lupron. I cannot tell you what a blessing it is to have something covered. Now I will have to write two very big checks in the coming weeks, one to the RE and one to the hospital, but somehow I am not as worried. It is all going to be just fine. I can feel it!

Updates...

I survived the flu! YES!! So far looks like DH will not be catching it. Double yes!

Well bcp have been no big deal. Today will make day 7 on them. On Wednesday I start Lupron. Not super excited about that, but hey it's what we IF ladies do. I received 1/2 my med order from Free.dom Pharmacy and the other 1/2 will come form CV.S. Good news is our meds will be covered by our insurance, CV.S! I really wasn't expecting that, which is why my order was broken into 2 parts. Our insurance would not cover injectable(s) unless they were provided by them. The only issue I had was I didn't know how long it would take for them to get my Rx approved. So I had FF ship the Lupron and non-injectables so we could have that in time for our start up on Wednesday. I didn't want to be even more stressed.

The insurance company called me today to go over the meds. (Yeah like I know what I am supposed to be getting!) I told her just to send it and then I would talk to the nurse at the clinic. The nurse called me before I could get to her. She said as long as I have Lupron and Gonal we will be fine for now. I will make a list of all the other great stuff I have and we can review it at my next appt on the 19th. Sounds good to me. I already feel like I have a ton of stuff and we aren't even half way done.

I had a friend ask me today if I was excited. Truth be told I am! It has been 5 1/2 long years in the making. I am nervous at the same time. Mostly about how my body will do all pumped up on hormones. I don't want to get crazy!!! I guess I need to keep in mind it won't last long and the end result will be worth it.

Home sick

I am home sick with the flu. I feel like death. I have been woken up the past two nights to quickly run to the bathroom and vomit. Sounds lovely I know. I have updates on meds and all kinds of fun stuff, but for now I would really like to just stay in bed. Maybe tomorrow I will feel good enough for a real update. Until then...