Second Thoughts

It's been a difficult few days. Our birth mom to be has been a little distant lately. We live about an hour south of her, so we text to keep in touch. The last couple weeks she hasn't been replying much and it has just felt different. On Friday I texted to say Little Miss' birth mom M wanted to reach out to her. She sent me a long message back saying she was having second thoughts about adoption and didn't realize she wold love this baby. My heart broke. She said she was only feeling anger and distance from the baby at first because of the birth father but recently she has really fallen in love with baby girl. 

At first I was sad for our little family who most likely will not be getting another addition in September, but then the more I thought about it I am really just sad for her. She doesn't understand that birth moms place their babies out of LOVE. And extreme love at that! Birth moms put the needs of the child they love before their own. It made me sad that she didn't know that. We had talked a few times about how love drives the decision behind adoption, but maybe she didn't quite get it. 

To say that she is going to be fighting an uphill battle if she does keep this baby is an understatement. I won't go into detail here. I will only say she is not living with her family and comes from a VERY rough background. She has had more hardships in her almost 18 years than most of us will ever have. I'm sad that she will be bringing an innocent child into such a situation. Even teen moms who live at home with two parents and full support from their family (emotional and physical) have hardships with raising a child, and she doesn't even have that. 

I'm sorry I hope that didn't sound like I was calling her out. She has every right to keep her child. I just want so much more for her and bay girl. I was 30 when Little Miss was born. I had waited 9 years for her, was in a stable marriage, was able to stay home full time to take care of her, and I was still shocked by how demanding motherhood was. It is so rewarding and I am grateful every second, but it is hard. It takes everything you have physically and emotionally, especially in the beginning. It gets easier as the weeks and months pass but then each stage brings new challenges. I just worry about her. I want to help but really don't know how at this point.

I will continue to pray and hope she will find that love is what she needs to give baby girl more than what she can right now. If any of you are the praying type, will you join us in this journey. She still has about 10 weeks left in her pregnancy, so anything is possible. She didn't say that she had completely changed her mind, just that she was feeling overwhelmed and couldn't make the decision now. So there is still hope... 

Here we go again!

Life has been nothing short of crazy the last few weeks! We were living in one city and decided our rental was just too small for the three of us, so we started looking for another rental in a city about 20 miles to the east. We found a great house and moved in two weeks before our lease was up. Six days later DH got a job promotion in our hometown! (which is about 200 miles S of where we just moved to.) Luckily our new landlords were very understanding and allowed us to get out of our lease. So three weeks after we moved to our new rental we moved again! Insane! Especially with a two year old. And since we wanted to buy a home and really set down roots in our hometown we moved in with DH's parents until we found our forever home. The good news is that after living here for two weeks we found it and have been in escrow for a week!

But the really big news happened on March 23rd. I was laying in bed while Little Miss napped and a friend called to say she knew a teen mom who was looking to place her baby for adoption and she wanted to meet us! I was floored, but thought ok well I still need to talk to this birth mom before I get too wrapped up in this. Not more than 5 minuted later my phone rang and it was the birth mom!! We talked for a few minutes and decided we were a good match for what she was looking for in the family she wanted to place with. I told her we should meet and she agreed. Since we were in the middle of moving we set a time for the week after we moved. it was a long three week wait. The day of the meeting I felt 100% peace. We sat and talked for about an hour and learned a lot about her. She has a long heart wrenching past that I won't talk about here, but suffice it to say she is not in a position to raise a child and baby daddy isn't either. The amazing thing was that at her young age she recognizes this and really wants what's best for her baby. She is due at the beginning of September.

She didn't know what she was having when we met because she had a doctor that wasn't really concerned about her or the baby. But luckily the fried who initially called to tell me about her is a NP for a great doctor. And both my friend and the new doctor happen to be adoptive moms. So they will take good care of her and make sure the hospital is aware of the situation and adoption friendly.

She had her first meeting with the new OB and loved her. She also found out she is having a...


GIRL!!! 


We are beyond thrilled to add another little lady to our family and for Little Miss to have a little sister. I know we still have a LONG way to go before we have another baby in our home but we are keeping the faith that she will stick with her plan and place her baby. I'm trying to keep the negative voices out of my head and stay positive.

So it looks like 2015 will be one crazy awesome year for our little family!

Adoption situation

Yesterday I was contacted by a friend who lives in the city we moved from. She has bio children and then they adopted their last child through the state much like we did with Little Miss. She was my guide while we went through our adoption process. She has kind of come to be known as the "adoption lady" in the area we lived in. So when she called yesterday, I was hopeful she was calling about a potential adoption situation, and she was!

So here's the scoop. Baby girl was born in September. BM and BF were together at the time but have since split and neither can do it on their own. The BM has other children who are also no longer in her care. (One of which is being adopted by another family we know.) They are considering placing baby girl. There have been a few families that have offered to take her but my friend put it perfectly when she said, "but really we are looking for her forever family. Not just a family who is willing to be her guardians for a while." So she thought of us and called to ask how I felt. So how do I feel about this???

Well first I feel excited there is a possibility of adding to our family again. I also feel a little strange because this baby will not be a newborn, and I never really pictured adding a child to our family that was more than a few weeks old. Will I love and be able to connect with her the way I was able to with Little Miss? I know that may sound totally selfish and strange, but this is my space and I want to be totally honest. I worry about the traumas she has already witnessed in her sort life on this earth. What kind of affect will that have on her? And then there is her birth family and all the loss that will be felt on their end and how will that relationship play out.

There is so much loss of control with IF, and then when you add in adoption even more loss of control, and now add in that the child will be a little older... I think letting go of control is what this trial has taught and continues to teach me. With Little Miss I did not get to control the environment she was grown in. But once she was born I was in charge of protecting her and keeping her from things that were harmful. With this little one she has had a lot happen in the few short months of her life. It breaks my heart. And it could still be many more months before the ball is rolling with a placement.

I'm so thankful for this space to voice my feelings and deepest thoughts about family building. As you can see this really is a maybe situation but I feel conflicted and want to be able to talk about it. Other than DH and the friend who called I don't have anyone to discuss it with. There is no plan in place yet, so I can't really talk about it with family or friends. I guess we will wait and see how things go. In the mean time we are still planning on cycling in the next few months, so unless something happens with this situation that is still our plan. It's crazy to think where life can sometimes take you.

New Year and next steps

We had our meetings with the Nurse Coordinator (NC) and the Financial Coordinator (FC) in November. They both were quick meetings. Both were supposed to take 1-2 hrs and we were in and out in 30 min. The NC appt was really just a review for me. Nothing new. The FC appt was new since we have never had coverage of IVF. The cycle still will cost us around $6k. And that's with our insurance covering $7k. That cost does include meds and such. It does not include acupuncture, which I am hoping to try this time around. So add in another $1-2k for that. Yikes!

Our plan is to move forward with a cycle in the next few months. We are moving from our current rental sometime in March. I was kind of hoping to start with my January cycle, but then I would be cycling and moving. No woman needs that kind of stress! Plus my hope is our next home will be closer to the clinic making all those daily US and BW appts a lot easier. So maybe April... We decided to wait until the new year so we could meet our deductible and out-of-pocket max all at one time. No sense in starting a cycle in December and have to pay all of those costs again in January. And once those costs are met we will have 100% coverage for the rest of the year. (Not for the actual IVF but everything else.)

I am still really nervous about the whole thing. I have a 2 yr old I have to accommodate now and find a sitter and also try not to lose it with when I am crazy on hormones. How do you moms out there do it with a little one at home and cycling? Last time I remember feeling like I was pretty crazy and I don't want to be like that this time. Fingers crossed this cycle won't be as traumatic.

When I called the office way back in July it felt like an eternity to wait for our consult. Now here we are in January and the thought of cycling in the next few months makes me scared. We all know the "what if's" that come along with this process, so no need for me to hash that all out here. I'm just so lost in this space where we once again find ourselves. I feel blessed we can cycle again and hating the fact that we have to. Will I ever accept that this is my lot in life? Part of me feels that accepting that is releasing a part of me that holds out hope that one day I will just be pregnant. No shots, no ultrasounds, no checks written, just pregnant. It's time to let go... It's just so dang hard.

I love technology

Modern day technology sure makes life fun. It is such a nice way to keep in touch with people all over the world. Ok, for me I mostly just keep up with people locally, let's be honest. There are times when FB has one too many pregnancy photos or announcements, but to be honest, I feel like the days of everyone getting prego are gone. Most of my friends are well past baby number 3 or 4, so many are done with the family growing stage. I'm still in my early 30's, but when friends start popping out babies in their early 20's, most are almost done by now. It's kind of nice. Sure Little Miss is the same age as some families 4 or 5 child, but I'm ok with that.

Anyway, the point of this post was to invite any of my readers who would like to keep up with our little family of 3 via Insta.gram to follow me on the site. My account is private, so you will have to request to follow. My account name is chaniraye. It is mostly pics of Little Miss, so for those who would prefer not to see a cute sassy 2 year old daily, I would suggest you just continue to follow our journey here and not on IG. My posts on IG are not related to IF just a fun way to document our sweet little girl and the fun stuff our family does. I have a few IF ladies I follow and it is so fun to see their adventures in motherhood. After all you ladies have been with me for a LONG time now. Some of you know more about our family than IRL friends do. It's how great trials bond the hearts of many together. And for most of us IF is the biggest hurdle we will have to overcome. So come see what our life is really like.

First Step

Friday we had our initial consult with the clinic here in our new city. It was a very through appointment. They have you feel out an extensive questionnaire online before your appointment and then our RE went over all of it with us. We talked a lot about cycle #1 and OHSS. I told the RE this time I CANNOT have that happen. I have an almost 2 year old at home, I can't be down in bed for 2.5 weeks. They have new protocols in place to help women who are sensitive like me. And they have different triggers than they did in 2010. And she said if I still have OHSS they can induce my period 4 days after retrieval, so that means only a few days of suffering. I felt good that this cycle wouldn't end like last cycle. Which was my #1 concern with doing IVF again.

After talking in her office for about 90 mins we went to an exam room where she did a physical exam and ultrasound. Physical exam went well. The ultrasound revealed a fibroid outside my uterus. I don't know anything about fibroids, other than what I have read on your blogs, so I don't know how long I've had it or if it will need to be removed before we cycle. They will do a Hysteroscopy and check the inside of my uterus before we cycle to determine if I will need to have surgery to remove it. I was really sad they found something wrong with my uterus. I guess it's good it isn't anything major. I was on cycle day 12 when we met and she was able to count lots of follicles and see the lead follicle and see I was about to ovulate. She said she guessed I would not have any issues with my AMH levels. (This is the hormone they now measure instead of FSH)

There are many things that make me feel good about this clinic. One of the big things is the RE's (there are 4 that rotate) will do all of the monitoring during my cycle. Last time I saw my RE at the consult and then egg retrieval. A NP reviewed all the labs and US's while I cycled. It felt very disconnected, so I'm happy this clinic is different. There are new procedures in place that will "hopefully" keep me from experiencing OHSS once again. There are lots of new things in place to make the cycle a success; Blast transfer, genetic screening on me and DH before cycling, vitrification of embryos instead of freezing, and more.

So the next step is to wait for the nurse coordinator to call and get us in to get the hysteroscopy set up and blood work for both of us. DH need to give his sample so we can see where his count is at now. We will also meet with the financial coordinator to see what all this will cost us. We are VERY blessed DH's new insurance will cove some of the costs. I'm guessing will will spend about $3-4K out of pocket. Which is a lot better than last time. We still have a few things to do before we actually cycle and if anything shows something unfavorable it will push us back even more. But here's to getting back on the horse!

Rescheduled

So I have had to reschedule our initial consult. Now we are set-up for October 17th. Yes, over two months away! Is that crazy or what?!?! DH has pointed out to me that really we are in no hurry to start the insanity again, and he is right. I want another baby so bad... but I am really dreading the whole IVF process. Last time was so hard and taxing physically and emotionally. I really had decided I didn't want to do it ever again. Then our miracle arrived and we had the opportunity to experience adoption. And let me tell you ladies, it was one of the most amazing and hardest times of my life. The pain of IVF, for me, had nothing on adoption. The difference being our adoption was successful so that at least made me think I could go through adoption again.

Bottom line is IF is a really hard trial. I am grateful for the opportunity to get to try for Baby #2 and I can't wait to see how he/she will join our family.

Answered Prayers

Sometimes when we are on this long and hard journey to our children we feel alone. Like God has forgotten us and our prayers are going unanswered. I have felt this way often. I know what I want is a righteous desire so why aren't children coming to our family? I really felt this way a few months ago when we contacted a couple that was looking to place their little girl, due in July, for adoption. I posted about it here. Before we knew their decision my prayer to my Heavenly Father was, "please Lord just let them want to meet us. But Thy will be done." I thought if we just had a chance to meet them they would get to know us and possibly fall in love with us. Alas, my prayer was not answered and they told us we were not the right fit. It was hard not to feel rejected. I let it go and realized that baby girl was not meant to be ours. I have come to have a strong testimony that the children who come to our family, by whatever means, will be OURS. Ones who were always meant to be in our family. So knowing that made it a little easier to move on.

I had a feeling that for some reason they wouldn't place their baby. And I had also offered a prayer for that, that the Lord would protect our hearts from that heartache. About once a month or maybe every 6 weeks I would check the website they had up for applying couples to see if they had any news. It didn't change.

Well today I noticed they said baby girl came early in mid June and they were no longer accepting applications for families. No mention of what ended up happening. So I looked on FB since we had a mutual friend of a friend. Turns out they did change their minds and decided to parent.

I realized my prayer was answered. He kept me from a heartbreak I didn't need and maybe couldn't have handled at this point in our journey. I feel so blessed and feel my faith and hope renewed that He is aware of me. And He will never leave me alone. Even when prayers seem unanswered, that is not the case. He has a plan and it is far better than what we can even imagine. I am so grateful for that and that sometimes when I ask He says no.

Putting on my big girl panties

I finally called the clinic to set-up an appointment. I put it off for weeks and even as the phone rang I almost hung up. I finally reached the appointment line only to be told I had to leave a message and they would call me back on Monday, since I called on a Friday. Very anticlimactic. 

They called back Monday morning. Little Miss was trying to grab the phone and talk to grandma, since in her mind that is the only person we ever talk to on the phone. It was a little funny since the lady who called was obviously a little annoyed I had a 20 month old being herself interrupting our call. I wanted to say, um hello, that's what happens when  you call at YOUR convenience and not mine. I called you during nap time, you did not. So now you will have to have some patience lady! 

Anyway, our initial consultation is set-up for August 20th at 3 pm. I'm a little nervous and excited. To be honest I'm not looking forward to cycling again. Anyone who has read my blog for a few years knows how IVF #1 ended and probably understands why. I have to tell myself not all cycles end with OHSS and they have the records from my last cycle so this one is bound to be better. Oh please Lord let it be better. And with any luck it will end with a squishy baby in our arms. I tell myself it is one step at a time. We will meet with the RE and see how we feel. Maybe that will be the end of it. I really don't know. One step at a time. 

Inadequate

So I'm having one of those "Man IF really Sucks" kind of days. An ex-friend who I am still friends with on FB just announced they are expecting baby #3. Her second daughter is just a few days younger than Little Miss. After seeing her cute little family announcing another little person will be joining their "team" I felt deflated. I don't know why pregnancy announcements still do this to me. Ok, that's a lie, I do know why. They are the reminder, that I don't need, that I am incapable of conceiving a child. They make me feel so inadequate.

So now boys and girls, it is time to make the big decision. Do we pursue another adoption or take our chances and give IVF one more try? Our home sold a little over a month ago, with that came the financial resources to make either option more than just a dream. I feel BEYOND blessed we are in this position... but at the same time I feel so much pressure to make the right decision. What if I choose IVF and it ends like IVF #1? What if I choose adoption and we have a BM who changes her mind? I know these are the realities of "baby making" for us. There is no escaping the what if's that come with IF. And today is one of those days when it just makes me a little angry. That may sound ungrateful but it's where I'm at today.

It's true...

I'm happy to report that making friends post-parenthood is a lot easier than making them without kids. I finally feel like I fit in! Well kind of. Being a SAHM my only social outlet is church. So I was a little concerned that maybe making friends would be hard and take a long time. Last time we moved to a new place it took well over a year maybe even two before I had friends I actually hung out with. It was rough, but I worked so I had ladies at work I socialized with, so I was fine. But now the only adult interaction I get is from DH. (Not complaining here ladies! I wouldn't trade life with Little Miss for my former life for even a second!) My concern was I was going to feel lonely and not really enjoy this new place if I didn't make friends and fast. Well the good news is I have a little mommy group I am hanging out with now. And it's wonderful! None of them have struggled to have kids, and obviously none have adopted, so we are not really alike in how we became moms, but I'm not going to let IF define me. It has for far too long. I am the one who has allowed it to do so and now I am saying enough! I'm sure some of the moms will think it's strange we have almost 11 years of marriage behind us and we are both in our 30's (DH's almost 40!) and our daughter isn't even 2, but who cares! When you move to a new place you are given the chance to start fresh so that is what I am going to do. IF will always be a part of my life. I am ready for baby #2 but have no clue how or when a second child will come to our family. IF doesn't go away just because I'm a mom. But it isn't the center of my world. That role has been taken over by a fun and sassy little 18 month old! Life is good!

Changes

It has been a busy month over here. DH got a new job at his company and with that came an opportunity to relocate our family. They said it would be 3-9 months before the move would take place. Well one week shy of 3 months we moved. We moved north to a big city 3 weeks ago. We are two hours farther from family and friends. The adjustment has been slow. We listed our very nice large home and got a full price offer on day 2! (Amazing blessing!!!) The home we are renting is small, and by small I mean under 900 sqft. To go from 2600 sqft 4 beds 3 baths to under 900 2 beds 1 bath has been interesting. Our tiny 1 car garage is FULL of stuff. This home was built in the 40's so there is no storage other than the garage. There are days I look back at videos of Little Miss in our home and just want to cry. I miss all our space. Now that our home is in escrow it just seems so final. I know we were led here and this is where we are meant to be for now, but my heart is having a hard time letting go. There are a few really great things about the new city. We are close to everything! Tons of parks, the library, downtown, museums, restaurants, the zoo, you name it and we can be there in 10-15 min or less! The house has a killer backyard and deck for all of us to enjoy some outdoor space. All in all I know this will be a great move for our little family. Once we start meeting people and making friends I'm sure it will feel a lot more like home. 

Our new ward seems, interesting. Our building had some issues so we haven't been able to meet like we normally would. This has hindered the ability to meet people and make friends. Being a SAHM church is really my only social outlet. We did meet a few people the first week and already one man had a "comment" about our one child. "And is she your only child?" My response, "Yep our one and only." Then he followed up with, "Well we have three already." I'm not sure if he wanted a pat on the back or applause for making three tiny people. Mind you he has no clue how long we have been married, how old we are, or any other important information that would allow him to draw the conclusion we are slacking on the whole procreating front. Nor does he know our little miracle is adopted. I just laughed and thought, well it's begun already. Before we moved I told DH we should tell everyone we have only been married for 3 years instead of the almost 11 we have truly been married. That way no one would pass judgment about our "one" child. He laughed and said we couldn't be dishonest with people and Little Miss is a miracle that everyone should know about. Fine, fine I thought. And who knows, maybe people knowing her story will help lead us to our next little miracle. You never know what God has in store. 

So there you have it. My life in a nutshell. Like I said, the adjustment has been slow. There are days I'm really happy to be here and then there are days when I feel like this place may never feel like home. I guess it is all a process. I keep telling myself we don't have to live in this city forever, which is true, DH's company has locations throughout N Cali, and we could potentially move to any one of them. Including the city we both grew-up in. But we will be here for at least a year or two. I swear I use to handle big changes so much better. The older I get the harder it is. The silver lining is Little Miss seems to enjoy all the fun things we do and is adapting quite easily. Which is such a blessing. It will get easier and better as time goes on. We are so blessed to have all that we do and today that is what I will focus on.