Imposter

The day of the gender reveal when we met with M we ran to Tar.get so I could buy something PINK! Like I said in my earlier post, I am all in with this baby and was so ready to let myself enjoy this miraculous moment. The baby section is usually avoided at all costs, so it was strange to let myself take it in and even enjoy shopping for MY baby. About half way through the trip I was ready to run. It was too much and I couldn't get out of that store fast enough. I felt overwhelmed and lost in a sea of clothes, highchairs, blankets and bottles.

A few days later while visiting my mom she suggested we check out cribs, since that will be her gift to our baby. I was anxious as we entered the parking lot of Bab.ies R Us, but once we walked through the doors I relaxed. I still felt like a TOTAL impostor surrounded by huge bellies and new babies. I felt like everyone was looking at me wondering who let the infertile into their club. I desperately wanted to look at rockers but couldn't because 4 very pregnant ladies were occupying that section and I wasn't quite ready to breach that circle. But all in all I survived. I even bought a few cute things for little miss.

I wonder if that "impostor" feeling will ever fully go away. Will it once I am actually a mom? Will it if I someday have the privileged to carry and bare one of my children? I don't know. I am not exaggerating when I say I felt like all eyes were one me when we were checking out cribs. I felt like I had a huge red "I" tattooed across my forehead.

When we transition into motherhood we are still as infertile as we were the years before baby. (No matter how they come.) So all those emotions, pain and self-loathing come with us and maybe they never fully leave. IF leaves a scar across our hearts that never heals correctly. It is ugly and nasty and changes us in both good and bad ways. I hope that as we welcome this little miracle into our lives that the feelings of shame and embarrassment that I cannot and my never bare one of my children starts to fade away so that I can be the mother she needs and deserves. I don't want to feel like an impostor but I know I will never really "fit in" either. Is there a happy medium?

Out of left field

I don't even know where to begin. Let's start with the phone call. My mom called last week to tell me a relative of mine was pregnant. It wasn't happy news since the woman is not married or ready to have a baby. She is not a teen, but still young and trying to get her life started. Then the next sentence was the one that will change our lives forever, "And she wants to give the baby to you and DH." My heart skipped a beat. And then the seconds went by very slowly as my mind raced with questions. My mom went over all the details and I told her I was on-board but had to see what DH would say. To say I couldn't think that day is an understatement. BTW, she said she was 5 months pregnant!  

Since the news was so huge I waited until DH got home from work before I told him. I wanted to be able to discuss it and read his facial ques to be sure he was fine with all of this. I told him and shock was his first reaction and then a smile I will never forget. He said, "I knew this was going to happen." I was like um yeah right like you knew ______ was going to be pregnant. He said, "no but I knew our child was coming. I could just feel it." Tears, lots of tears. I think I have turned off that kind of hope after all we have been through. It was amazing to hear he hadn't and was able to listen to those promptings.

So here we are almost a week later. Birth Mom, know as M, had her first OB appt yesterday and everything looked amazing! Nice strong heartbeat and perfectly healthy in every aspect. And she found out we are having a .........




GIRL!!

She came up to where we live and brought us a cute gift and card to announce the sex! It was amazingly thoughtful and sweet.  We got to find out in a cute way just like I had always imagined. It has been amazing how miraculous this whole thing is. It was not at all the way I had imagined it happening, but the Lord's plans are greater than mine. I feel awestruck that we have been chosen to be this child's parents. We weren't even in the adoption mindset, well I wasn't, DH has been since IVF #1 nearly killed his wife. One of the most inspiring things about it all is that I had told a few people when they had asked us about adoption, and I wasn't saying this, I would tell them that I felt like a BM would just find us and tell us she knew she was carrying our child. I know, I know that is bizarre, but it is truly what I felt. We have a couple at our church that it happened to and I felt that if we were to adopt, that's how it would happen to us too. People said I was crazy, but I knew! I wonder if that is the only way the Lord could knock me over the head and say hello, this is how baby #1 will become part of your eter.nal family. 

This has all happened so fast and I don't know that I have really processed all of it just yet. I went and purchased a few cute girl outfits yesterday because I couldn't resist! I know that a lot of people would probably advise us to wait until things were a little more finalized before I start filling a room with girly things, but I'm all in people! I really feel like everything will be ok  and work out in the end. (Ok yes that little voice is still in the back of my head, but I am working on silencing her.) If I hold back and things don't work out it won't make it any easier in the end. It will just make me more unhappy now. I'm already in love! 

It looks like we will finally be parents mid November. 

Cleaning up our act

I have been reading quite a bit over the last few months about Cle.an Ea.ting. It seems to be all the rage these days. When I first read about it I thought the people were crazy! They said things like, "sugar affects the pleasure centers in your brain like cocaine." I said, "I'm ok with that. Sugar is my drug of choice." They also posted their meal plans, gag is all I have to say. Then a pin on Pinter.est caught my eye. I followed it and there was a video all about what food does and why we eat certain things, and most importantly, what it is doing to our body. (And fertility!) So I mulled it over for a few days. I had DH watch it and told him I wanted to buy the materials and I wanted to change what WE ate. He agreed. 

We literally threw out, or donated, every piece of food that was no longer part of "the plan". Our pantry was empty for the first time since we purchased our house. It was a bit extreme but I found myself longing for gram crackers and cereal and didn't need the temptation. 

So what do we eat. Basically fruit, veggies, and meat. And all of it is Organi.c. I know, I know there is a bunch of hoopla about how organic things may be lies and no better for our health, but I am a firm believer that things that are pesticide free, free range, and not treat with antibiotics or hormones have to be better for my body. We can also have sprouted whole grain breads. Which are not so delicious, but the english muffins are tolerable.  We can have dairy, like organic raw milk and greek yogurt. For sweeteners our choices are honey and 100% pure maple syrup. So really it isn't all that bad. Oh and we drink 1/2 our body weight in oz of water each day. Luckily I love water so I haven't had any issues with that. Yes, our grocery bill is higher than ever, but our overall food bill is lower since we don't eat out... EVER.

 We are one month in and I feel amazing. DH feels pretty great too, although I know he longs for a good old fashioned hamburger from a certain fast food chain or just some normal BBQ sauce. He has lost 8 lbs and I am down 3. I wish it was more, but I am not doing it for the weight loss, I am doing it to see if it will improve our chances at having a baby. Now I don't believe this will get us pregnant the old fashioned way, I have given up all hope on that end, but maybe it will help raise his counts and help my body deal with the IVF meds better. Wouldn't that be a miracle?!?!

My hope is to meet with the RE we want to see in 3-6 months. That will be the true test. I know they will do a SA and I am interested to see if it makes any difference at all. I have a feeling it will and in a big way. DH's count hasn't even been listed, they simply say "very few sperm" so them saying even 100,000 would be a vast improvement. I'm hopeful but not crazy. We shall see what happens... 

Not being silent

I know the theme for National Infertility week is Not Ignoring Infertility, which is great... But I can tell you one thing, no matter how hard I try I CANNOT ignore it. It is in my every waking thought and a lot of my not so waking thoughts. I eat, sleep, breathe infertility every second of the day. It seems as if everything reminds me of the lack of life growing in my ever aging womb. And I mean everything. So yeah for the women on FB that have decided not to ignore it and post heartfelt posts for all their FB "friends" to read... but I won't do that. And to me, that doesn't mean I am ignoring the issue.

I would say most of my FB "friends" know we are struggling to have a family. The ones that don't are male and single and really haven't given infertility a second thought because they are busy trying to prevent pregnancy. And why would I want them to know?? Infertility is the trail of my life!! It is so deeply painful and heart-wrenching that often I feel physical pain from my lack of being able to conceive. Dramatic maybe, but true. It is one part of my life I have no problem sharing with my close friends and family, but I don't really need the guy I had a crush on in 10th grade knowing about.

I applaud the women that feel they can be very open with the FB world about their struggles, but one thing I have noticed is that most of them, although still very much infertile, are on the other side of the path. They have shared their stories now that they have lived through it and survived. And maybe someday I will be able to do the same. (If and when I am so blessed.)

But for today this is me. I am infertile and I am dealing with it the best way I know how, by not writing a long post on our family blog and then linking it to any form of social media, and by not posting anything about NIAW on said social media sites. That just isn't my style. I don't judge if it IS your style, so please don't judge me because it isn't mine.

The Baby Sale

A few weeks back we were at a couples party at a friends house. I was standing and talking to our now due-any-day-maybe-someday-surrogate R when the hostess and her mother walked by slightly pushing me into R's full belly. They asked if I was rubbing it for good luck and I said of course I hear this sort of thing is contagious, when the old lady (mother of 8) put her had on my shoulder and said,"I really think you two should just adopt." She said it with a look of hello that is the only logical option, have you never thought of that kind of look. Deep breath, and then comes the vomit of my opinion about adoption:

"You know adoption is a major decision. And it is really hard! What do you think you can just run to Tar.get and pick up a baby from the store?!? 'Baby Sale 50% off' well I'll take 2 then, one of each in blue and pink. Did you know that the mom can change her mind?? We have considered adoption and really don't feel like it is the right path for us at this time. We are doing what we think is best and will continue walking this path together as a couple."

I know we have all been faced with these types of comments. I decided about 3 years ago I was no longer going to just smile and nod when someone threw something like this my way. And I'm grateful I made that decision. After 7.5 years of ttc does this lady REALLY think adoption has never crossed my mind?!? I have the papers from our would-be agency filed away with my other important IF papers. I know she probably means well but while she's at it she might as well give me sex advice and ask about my CM. To me it is that intrusive of a comment. This is private stuff we are going through and quite frankly the trial of my life! Please don't tell me to "just adopt".

He got it

He got the job! Both exciting and scary. Who knows what will be coming our way. He starts tomorrow at 7 am.

Happenings

I know I haven't bee writing much lately. I think it is hard to wrote on an IF blog when you are not currently cycling, or even have the hope of doing so in the next few months. Some of you ladies are so good about continuing on even when you are between cycles. I wish I could be more that way.

So what has been going on lately? Well DH had a very promising interview for a great position yesterday. Only problem is it's about 85 miles north of our home. He has made the long commute before and would do it again if he is awarded this position. Which means long hours away from home and me worrying about him being killed in a horrific car accident daily. Eventually, if all went well, we may even relocate to the new city. This brings lots of mixed emotions for me. I would be that much farther from my family and would have to start over with our church and friends and such. Not to mention possibly finding a new job. (But if things go well I will only have to get something part time.) Plus not to mention the house. Do we try to sell and get out what we have in, or do we rent and hope it isn't destroyed by renters. I know, this is crazy since an offer has yet to come our way, but I am a planner and I like to be prepared for things like this.

My job is getting better. Actually that isn't true, my attitude towards my job is getting better. I have come to realize I am blessed to have a job, and I really enjoy the people I work with. My two bosses are getting less demanding, and I am learning how to better handle when they are short with me.

Still no new developments on the IF front. But if above mentioned job does happen it will put us 85+ miles closer to the clinic we would like to use for IVF #2. So there's a bonus. My company has new insurance this year and it claims they cover 50% of an IF cycle up to $15k. No you ladies know the routine with insurance, usually they say that they will cover anything but IVF, but since it is up to $15k it seems weird that they would just mean IUI. I need to call the new clinic we are thinking about using and ask them to verify our benefits. If they do cover 50% of IVF we could be cycling sooner.

Thank you for continuing to comment even though I am kind of a bum. I still read all your posts, I have just not been commenting as much lately. It is so fun to see so many of the ladies I began this journey with transitioning into motherhood. It gives me hope to fight another day.

It's official...

I'm a statistic. SART posted the 2010 results for ART cycles and now our cycle is officially just a statistic. I'm a little bothered because 2010 our totally lame clinic looks pretty promising for a woman under 35 with MFI. Look here. It looks like 50% of couples that cycled, ok there were only 8 of us, but 4 got pregnant and 3 took home real live babies. Shoot, if you were over 35 your chances were even better! Although I must add that in 2009 only 1/11 took home a real live baby. It is just weird to know that I am in that number at the bottom, the 6 frozen transfers, 2 of them were mine. Our 5 little embryos that could.

I am sad that it has been 2 years now. It seems like it was so long ago. I remember how excited I was on the eve of our IVF. I am now looking forward to getting the next show on the road. No real plans yet, but I am hopeful that soon we will be able to do something. I hope next time we are on the other end of that statistic.

New Year, same story

My lucky number is 12. When I played sports it was my number. My husband and I were engaged on 12/24. When we started really getting this baby show on the road my dream was to have a baby (maybe our second, if things went well. HA!) in 2012. Well as we know, things did not go so well with IVF #1 or FET #1 or #2. So here we sit. Still seeking baby number one with no real end in sight. With each passing year I hope and pray that this will be "our year". I had really hoped that the stars would align and we could be back on the treatment roller-coaster by now... but we're not. And my heart hurts. The new year does not bring the promise of anything baby wise on the horizon and it sucks. We are quite blessed that we have finally saved all the $$ for IVF #2, (YEAH!!) but DH is still unemployed. I can't go in and spend our saving to make a baby without a fall back. Plus my job has changed and is BEYOND stressful now and I just can't calm myself enough to really give the next cycle a fighting chance. Now we know that stress does not equal infertility, but I believe that it can adversely affect the outcome of ART. And so we wait. For a job, for a miracle, for a chance to get this show on the road.

So sad

I just wanted to write a quick post to cry a little. My ex boyfriend from college got married a few months ago. I just found out his wife is pregnant... with TWINS! Seriously, are you kidding me!!! It just made me so sad. She has twin boys from a previous relationship, so he is technically already a dad, but I just wanted to be pregnant before they were. I know it's silly. It just made me want to cry when I saw a friend of mine on FB comment on her photo. Stupid FB! I knew you ladies would be the only ones who would "get it". Man IF sucks.

What dreams may come

I had a dream about a month ago that I gave birth to a daughter. It was such an amazing dream and I was so happy and excited during the whole thing. The only strange thing was we named her Te.ra. And I was in LOVE with the name in my dream. I would introduce her to people and say her name like it was the most amazing name in the entire world. Now, no offense to any Ter.as out there, but it is never a name I have considered for our little girl. So it was strange that in the dream I seemed to be obsessed with the name. Anyway, the dream was amazing and I woke up feeling like I knew we would have a little girl someday. I didn't tell DH about the dream because I didn't see him that morning (he was already at church for meetings) and just kind of forgot to tell him by the time I finally saw him.

Fast forward to 2 weeks ago, I got home from work and my husband had a big smile on his face. He said I had a dream about our daughter last night. I was like, "Um, what?!? You did" He said "Yep. We were at church and you were showing her off to everyone. Only weird thing was she was big and fat but everyone loved her. I had even left you in Sacrament Meeting to run home for a bit and you didn't even care because you had our baby with you." (Side note, I don't like being left in my pew at church alone. It is just... well lonely. So that is why that was interesting to him.) "You were so happy. You were glowing! You didn't even care that I was there. You were just staring at our baby. It was the coolest dream ever!" This is the first dream DH has ever had about our children.

I felt blessed that they happened so close to one another and we could share in the joy and knowledge we do have a daughter that is waiting to come to our family. I don't know when or even how she is going to get here, but I have faith that the Lord does and He has a plan. It was just a little reminder that we need to not give up. Our children are waiting for us. I hope they know how wanted and loved they already are.

Not our month

So no miracle baby this month. It was a lot harder this time when AF came than it was last month. Not because I thought I had a better chance of it working this month, I think it was just one of those months. I think we all have those kinds of cycles. The ones where we literally feel like we can't stand to go one more day without having a baby or the possibility of one. I was so consumed with grief I cried quite a bit the last few days. I am just over not being able to do what so many women can. I am over my husband not being able to do what so many men can. I am done with all this IF crap! I just want off this ride!! Unfortunately, I am not the one who gets to choose when this roller coaster ends or even how it will end. So I am taking it one day at a time and counting my many blessings... even if the one blessing I desire most is being withheld.