The day of the gender reveal when we met with M we ran to Tar.get so I could buy something PINK! Like I said in my earlier post, I am all in with this baby and was so ready to let myself enjoy this miraculous moment. The baby section is usually avoided at all costs, so it was strange to let myself take it in and even enjoy shopping for MY baby. About half way through the trip I was ready to run. It was too much and I couldn't get out of that store fast enough. I felt overwhelmed and lost in a sea of clothes, highchairs, blankets and bottles.
A few days later while visiting my mom she suggested we check out cribs, since that will be her gift to our baby. I was anxious as we entered the parking lot of Bab.ies R Us, but once we walked through the doors I relaxed. I still felt like a TOTAL impostor surrounded by huge bellies and new babies. I felt like everyone was looking at me wondering who let the infertile into their club. I desperately wanted to look at rockers but couldn't because 4 very pregnant ladies were occupying that section and I wasn't quite ready to breach that circle. But all in all I survived. I even bought a few cute things for little miss.
I wonder if that "impostor" feeling will ever fully go away. Will it once I am actually a mom? Will it if I someday have the privileged to carry and bare one of my children? I don't know. I am not exaggerating when I say I felt like all eyes were one me when we were checking out cribs. I felt like I had a huge red "I" tattooed across my forehead.
When we transition into motherhood we are still as infertile as we were the years before baby. (No matter how they come.) So all those emotions, pain and self-loathing come with us and maybe they never fully leave. IF leaves a scar across our hearts that never heals correctly. It is ugly and nasty and changes us in both good and bad ways. I hope that as we welcome this little miracle into our lives that the feelings of shame and embarrassment that I cannot and my never bare one of my children starts to fade away so that I can be the mother she needs and deserves. I don't want to feel like an impostor but I know I will never really "fit in" either. Is there a happy medium?
Just because you didn't give birth to your baby, doesn't make you any less of a mother! From the moment you hold your baby, you are part of the great blessing called motherhood! Welcome to the club. :)
ReplyDeleteBless your heart. I can only imagine the mixed feelings you have going in and buying baby stuff...how exciting, yet how strange! I will be following you on this journey and I pray your heart settles a bit, especially when you are holding your beautiful daughter :)
ReplyDeleteI felt similar registering amongst the big bellies and I still had my size 2 figure, but I decided to embrace it :) The ladies at the counters looked at me silly when I would say the due date is 8 weeks away ;). I ended up feeling above everyone else, by the end of it all (hopefully that doesn't sound mean!) but I felt chosen, chosen by birth mom and God to be the momma of a precious child. God chose me, he didn't have to, but he did. Same with you, he didn't have to work out the plan this way, but he chose to and it's a perfect plan for a perfect baby and for you to be the momma he's called you to be. I wouldn't want my life any other way... not even fat and pregnant :) I expectantly await HIS plan for adoption #2 in my life, I used to wait for ovulation (pre-first adoption) this time around, I wait for HIM and HIS plan and OUR baby to come to us.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all congratulations, just catching up on the news! So happy for you guys.
ReplyDeleteIn terms of the mixed feelings, I know everyone is different and we all cope with our IF struggles in our own way. For me once little man became a part of our lives that went a long way to healing some of the very difficult scars IF and losing our daughter had left on our hearts. Now it's easier for me to see that me being his mother was the plan all along and I'm proud of how he came into our life and that even though it wasn't the "norm" it was right for us. The scars aren't completely gone but they're absolutely less visible and the joy greatly overshadows the pain of the past.
Remember, they are only pg for 9 months, then you're equal - you'll be a mother the rest of your life. :)
ReplyDeleteOnce I met Isaac and held him in my arms, I felt like his mom 100%. It was a little strange at times to think that I didn't give birth to him, because he felt so completely MINE. I think breastfeeding really helped me feel like less of an "imposter" - or at least gave me something to talk to the other moms about when conversations drifted to pregnancy, giving birth, etc.
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