Thank you

A big thank you to Hannah over at Life Happens. She sent little miss the cutest little outfit!

We love it! Thank you for thinking of us Hannah! 

Coming up... Little miss turned 1 month old last Friday! Time is flying by!! An update is on the way. 

PS To those who would like to see a pic or know the name we selected for little miss email me here. I'm not ready to share that info just yet on the blog. TPR STILL are signed away so I want to wait just a little longer. 

Update...

Nothing new to report. Little miss is doing great and we fall more in love daily. Since our adoption is an independent/relative adoption everything is done by the state, which basically means no one cares and it will get done someday. I called yesterday to talk to them just to see if they have entered our paperwork we filed on 11/16 and the rude lady told me they would get to it when they could. The clerk was out and they only have one and frankly she didn't know when she would be back. "She could be out on leave or on vacation. I don't know when she will be back ma'am." That's what she told me after I asked if I could speak to her. Lame! So this is just another test Heavenly Father has given me, to be patient and realize I am still not in control and I need to have faith. So it looks like TPR will be sign when the dumb clerk gets back and decides she would like to enter our info. Luckily I have an amazing little girl to keep me distracted and I don't have a lot of time to worry about all of that. And honestly, everyday she is with us she feels more like ours. I told DH a few days ago that I literally feel like I gave birth to her. I don't know how some people can say adopted kids are "never really yours" because I can't imagine this feeling any different if she came from my womb. My prayer is that everything goes smoothly and she will be ours legally before we know it.

She's Here!!!

Our miracle was born at 2:43 pm on 11/14/12. Weighing in at 7 lbs 1 oz, 20 inches long. She is perfection and I have never been so in love. TPR have yet to be signed, so legally she isn't ours... yet. But she feels like ours. Hoping and praying things run smoothly and she will be ours in every way before we know it! Pictures and name to follow. Love to all who have followed our amazing journey! This is not the end, only the beginning.

Flood gates are opening

Just a quick note to say M's water broke at 12:12 am. We are packing up and headed to the hospital. By this time tomorrow we should have a new member in our little family!! Wish us luck!

Showered with love

Last week was the week of showers. I had my first one on Monday with all of my work ladies and then my family/church friend one Saturday. Both were so beautiful and amazing. People were so generous. I could not believe the gifts I received. It was wonderful.

It was a little awkward to be opening baby gifts. It is getting more real that in less then 4 weeks we will have a newborn in our home... But at the same time it is just so strange. We haven't had the normal 9 months to prepare. I am actually super grateful that we only had 4 months instead of the normal 9, well since we are adopting. I can't imagine going through the roller-coaster of emotions for 9 whole months. It is quite a blessing she found out as late as she did. Did I mention she attended my shower on Saturday? It was surreal thinking my daughter was at my shower even if she wasn't growing in my uterus. M was wonderful and talked to all my fun friends and had a great time. It was so nice to have her there.

A little M update: She went in today for her appt and they said she is a fingertip dilated and her cervix is nice and soft. She said she had a few contractions last night that weren't painful or regular but they were noticeable. She said she can feel baby girl down low now and has a lot of pressure and pain way down low. I have no clue if that means she will be here in a week or three but I am excited she is progressing. She will be 37 weeks on Thursday, so little miss can come anytime now. I am still kind of hoping she will at least wait until the 1st so she can have a November birthday. We don't have any birthdays in November on either side of our family, so I just like the idea of this special little spirit having her own birthday month. (It is the only month without a birthday and, with an extended family as large as ours, it's amazing we have a whole month without a birthday.)

I getting more excited as time passes and a bit less nervous. I have come to accept that this is 100% out of my hands and turning it over to my Heavenly Father is all I can do. His ways are higher than ours and only He knows the plan. I won't lie, there are still moments when I freak out a little but I say a quick prayer and refocus and am able to ground myself again.

So now that we are in the final stretch, what are some must have items I need for our little newborn? Other than a crib, car seat, diapers, and clothes. We have the basics, but what are some of the extra items you had that kept you, DH, and baby sane?

Break Time

We're headed out this weekend for our Babym.oon. Time for a little R&R while we still have time and money to get away. We'll drive over to Mont.ery tongith and be there until Sunday afternoon. A lot of parents told us we need to have a little getaway before the baby comes and one suggestion was all DH needed to make it a reality. We are both excited to take a break from all the insanity for a few days and just be us.

In other news, my first baby shower is on Monday. This is my work shower. I'm excited and nervous. The office I work in threw me a mini shower with cake and a few gifts a week ago and it was awkward to open baby gifts. I felt like an impostor. This is what IF for 8+ years will do to a girl's mind. So we'll see how it goes Monday will a lot more people and gifts.

Appointment

First thank you to all you ladies who commented on my last post. Those were some great suggestions and I had so many good questions going in. The "interview" went really well and I like her. We are going to stick with her. We didn't interview any of the other 5 pediatricians in our area, but she comes highly recommended and really there are only 6 total pediatricians here. She took us right back when we got there and was more than happy to spend all the time we needed with her to answer our questions, even with a full waiting room. They do have a "well baby" room separate from the normal waiting room for well baby appointments. I asked about formula and she said to buy whatever is on sale. (More on breast feeding later) She said to include one extra blanket when baby sleeps for the first few months. It really doesn't get super cold here so I don't need to bundle her up like an eskimo. She said the only shot they give in the hospital is for Hepatitis B and it's no big deal. She was laid back and honest and is a mother of three herself. She applauded M and her decision to place and couldn't say enough how much she admired her maturity and selflessness. (Which I appreciated.) So we have a pediatrician! YEAH! One more thing to check off the list.

M is 5 1/2 weeks away from delivery and we are getting more excited and anxious with each passing day. She doesn't seem to ever falter in her decision to place. She is so excited about everything. I have really tried to shift my focus the last few days to putting my trust in my Heavenly Father and no one else. It has made a huge difference. Not that I don't trust M, it's just I need faith in a higher power. I need to have faith that He knows the outcome and is taking care of me and M and little miss. He is our loving Father and wants what's best for all of us. So instead of wondering how M will ever be able to make such a hard and life-changing decision I know that He will help her make it and is already holding our hands through all of this. It has been such an amazing and miraculous journey already and baby isn't even here yet. What a blessing to be chosen to be her eternal family. 

Pediatrician Visit, HELP!

Ok ladies, I need your help. We have our first interview with a pediatrician here in town and I have no idea what to ask! Well, I shouldn't say that. I am going to ask about formula, shots, and how many blankets I need to use to keep little miss warm. (I had a friend tell me babies need to wear 1-2 layers more clothing/blankets than adults do. Then I had someone else tell me that is crazy and they need protection early on but they are little humans and don't need to be bundled up all the time. Hence the question I need answered.) So now I turn to you. What are some things I need to ask her? I am going to google some questions too, but you ladies are my best resource! Thanks in advance for your help.

PS I know I am a lame blogger lately. Sorry. 

PPS Can I juts say how amazing it is we are interviewing a pediatrician today!! Squeal! Love it!!

Well..

Things are going well over here. I have a few posts brewing in my head, breastfeeding (I'm going to give it my all), baby showers, nursery decorating, and so much more. Getting ready for a baby is the most exciting and exhausting thing I have ever done! (Planning our wedding was a very close second.) I want to thank Mrs. D'Amico for asking how I'm doing and bringing me back to my space. Know that things are going great! M and our little one are doing well and growing like crazy! Our prayers are with her daily that the blessings of our Heavenly Father will be poured upon her head. She is doing something no one else can do for us. We feel constant awe and gratitude for her and for our Heavenly Father from whom all blessings flow.

Back soon...

First bad telling

I talked to an old friend today to tell her our very exciting news and was so disappointed by her response. This friend and I got married within months of each other and our lives paralleled for the first few years. Well until she conceived easily again, again, and again. She is currently pregnant with baby boy #4, due in early October. She called a few months ago to tell me she was expecting once again and I was overjoyed for her. I was sad she was not having a girl, not that there is anything wrong with having all boys, but she seemed fine with it and said she knew how to parent boys so another boy was fine.

So when I wrote her on F.B and told her our news, and then she called, I thought there would be excitement and maybe even tears of joy. She knows our struggles and how long it has taken us to get to this point. Instead I was met with skepticism and awkwardness. I felt like I was "selling" the idea to her the entire phone conversation.  I kept telling her the things that M was telling us that made me feel so reassured and how excited we were... nothing, no emotion, no excitement. So then I felt like I had to back track and tell her I knew adoption was never a sure thing and it could fall through at any moment. I felt awful hashing this out. I have been so positive the last few days and telling her I knew we may still be childless come November was hard. When I told DH about it he asked why I did that. I really don't know. I just wasn't getting a response so I guess I just kept talking. It was the worst reaction I have been met with to date. Thankfully most people we have told, which is still just a handful, are overjoyed and so happy for us. So why not this friend?

I don't know if it has something to do with baby being a girl or maybe she just didn't know how to relate to me now that I could possibly be joining her club. I don't think I will ever know why she reacted the way she did. I know I just need to let it go and move on... but it just bothered me. I was excited when she called me about her pregnancy. This is what she told me, "I had a friend in our last city that adopted her two kids, and as much as I hate being pregnant, I am so grateful I don't have to go through that! It was awful to watch." She didn't elaborate on what was so "awful" about the situation and I didn't care to ask. Yes, adoption is not the original plan I had for how our children would come to our family, but right now it is the plan for us and it has been so miraculous, I can't imagine having this little girl come into our family any other way. I get that there are still hard things to come and relationships to work out. Our daughter will have a birth mom and that has the potential to be an amazing relationship between all 4 (me, DH, baby, and M) of us, but it can also be trying at times.

I got off the phone and had no desire to talk to her ever again. I know dramatic, but it hurt. Even my MIL who is extremely pessimistic was ready to "dance in the street" when we told her the news. (This is the same woman who was telling me she knew our IVF only had a 20% chance of working days before I started stims and that we were wasting our $$.)  Why is it so hard for people to just let go of their reservations and just share in our joy. If something does go wrong, thinking about it now won't make it easier to swallow in the end. So I have chosen to be happy and excited and to prepare her nursery. I don't think it is too much to ask for others to join in the celebration. We have waited 8 years for this baby. Have a little faith!

Imposter

The day of the gender reveal when we met with M we ran to Tar.get so I could buy something PINK! Like I said in my earlier post, I am all in with this baby and was so ready to let myself enjoy this miraculous moment. The baby section is usually avoided at all costs, so it was strange to let myself take it in and even enjoy shopping for MY baby. About half way through the trip I was ready to run. It was too much and I couldn't get out of that store fast enough. I felt overwhelmed and lost in a sea of clothes, highchairs, blankets and bottles.

A few days later while visiting my mom she suggested we check out cribs, since that will be her gift to our baby. I was anxious as we entered the parking lot of Bab.ies R Us, but once we walked through the doors I relaxed. I still felt like a TOTAL impostor surrounded by huge bellies and new babies. I felt like everyone was looking at me wondering who let the infertile into their club. I desperately wanted to look at rockers but couldn't because 4 very pregnant ladies were occupying that section and I wasn't quite ready to breach that circle. But all in all I survived. I even bought a few cute things for little miss.

I wonder if that "impostor" feeling will ever fully go away. Will it once I am actually a mom? Will it if I someday have the privileged to carry and bare one of my children? I don't know. I am not exaggerating when I say I felt like all eyes were one me when we were checking out cribs. I felt like I had a huge red "I" tattooed across my forehead.

When we transition into motherhood we are still as infertile as we were the years before baby. (No matter how they come.) So all those emotions, pain and self-loathing come with us and maybe they never fully leave. IF leaves a scar across our hearts that never heals correctly. It is ugly and nasty and changes us in both good and bad ways. I hope that as we welcome this little miracle into our lives that the feelings of shame and embarrassment that I cannot and my never bare one of my children starts to fade away so that I can be the mother she needs and deserves. I don't want to feel like an impostor but I know I will never really "fit in" either. Is there a happy medium?

Out of left field

I don't even know where to begin. Let's start with the phone call. My mom called last week to tell me a relative of mine was pregnant. It wasn't happy news since the woman is not married or ready to have a baby. She is not a teen, but still young and trying to get her life started. Then the next sentence was the one that will change our lives forever, "And she wants to give the baby to you and DH." My heart skipped a beat. And then the seconds went by very slowly as my mind raced with questions. My mom went over all the details and I told her I was on-board but had to see what DH would say. To say I couldn't think that day is an understatement. BTW, she said she was 5 months pregnant!  

Since the news was so huge I waited until DH got home from work before I told him. I wanted to be able to discuss it and read his facial ques to be sure he was fine with all of this. I told him and shock was his first reaction and then a smile I will never forget. He said, "I knew this was going to happen." I was like um yeah right like you knew ______ was going to be pregnant. He said, "no but I knew our child was coming. I could just feel it." Tears, lots of tears. I think I have turned off that kind of hope after all we have been through. It was amazing to hear he hadn't and was able to listen to those promptings.

So here we are almost a week later. Birth Mom, know as M, had her first OB appt yesterday and everything looked amazing! Nice strong heartbeat and perfectly healthy in every aspect. And she found out we are having a .........




GIRL!!

She came up to where we live and brought us a cute gift and card to announce the sex! It was amazingly thoughtful and sweet.  We got to find out in a cute way just like I had always imagined. It has been amazing how miraculous this whole thing is. It was not at all the way I had imagined it happening, but the Lord's plans are greater than mine. I feel awestruck that we have been chosen to be this child's parents. We weren't even in the adoption mindset, well I wasn't, DH has been since IVF #1 nearly killed his wife. One of the most inspiring things about it all is that I had told a few people when they had asked us about adoption, and I wasn't saying this, I would tell them that I felt like a BM would just find us and tell us she knew she was carrying our child. I know, I know that is bizarre, but it is truly what I felt. We have a couple at our church that it happened to and I felt that if we were to adopt, that's how it would happen to us too. People said I was crazy, but I knew! I wonder if that is the only way the Lord could knock me over the head and say hello, this is how baby #1 will become part of your eter.nal family. 

This has all happened so fast and I don't know that I have really processed all of it just yet. I went and purchased a few cute girl outfits yesterday because I couldn't resist! I know that a lot of people would probably advise us to wait until things were a little more finalized before I start filling a room with girly things, but I'm all in people! I really feel like everything will be ok  and work out in the end. (Ok yes that little voice is still in the back of my head, but I am working on silencing her.) If I hold back and things don't work out it won't make it any easier in the end. It will just make me more unhappy now. I'm already in love! 

It looks like we will finally be parents mid November. 

Cleaning up our act

I have been reading quite a bit over the last few months about Cle.an Ea.ting. It seems to be all the rage these days. When I first read about it I thought the people were crazy! They said things like, "sugar affects the pleasure centers in your brain like cocaine." I said, "I'm ok with that. Sugar is my drug of choice." They also posted their meal plans, gag is all I have to say. Then a pin on Pinter.est caught my eye. I followed it and there was a video all about what food does and why we eat certain things, and most importantly, what it is doing to our body. (And fertility!) So I mulled it over for a few days. I had DH watch it and told him I wanted to buy the materials and I wanted to change what WE ate. He agreed. 

We literally threw out, or donated, every piece of food that was no longer part of "the plan". Our pantry was empty for the first time since we purchased our house. It was a bit extreme but I found myself longing for gram crackers and cereal and didn't need the temptation. 

So what do we eat. Basically fruit, veggies, and meat. And all of it is Organi.c. I know, I know there is a bunch of hoopla about how organic things may be lies and no better for our health, but I am a firm believer that things that are pesticide free, free range, and not treat with antibiotics or hormones have to be better for my body. We can also have sprouted whole grain breads. Which are not so delicious, but the english muffins are tolerable.  We can have dairy, like organic raw milk and greek yogurt. For sweeteners our choices are honey and 100% pure maple syrup. So really it isn't all that bad. Oh and we drink 1/2 our body weight in oz of water each day. Luckily I love water so I haven't had any issues with that. Yes, our grocery bill is higher than ever, but our overall food bill is lower since we don't eat out... EVER.

 We are one month in and I feel amazing. DH feels pretty great too, although I know he longs for a good old fashioned hamburger from a certain fast food chain or just some normal BBQ sauce. He has lost 8 lbs and I am down 3. I wish it was more, but I am not doing it for the weight loss, I am doing it to see if it will improve our chances at having a baby. Now I don't believe this will get us pregnant the old fashioned way, I have given up all hope on that end, but maybe it will help raise his counts and help my body deal with the IVF meds better. Wouldn't that be a miracle?!?!

My hope is to meet with the RE we want to see in 3-6 months. That will be the true test. I know they will do a SA and I am interested to see if it makes any difference at all. I have a feeling it will and in a big way. DH's count hasn't even been listed, they simply say "very few sperm" so them saying even 100,000 would be a vast improvement. I'm hopeful but not crazy. We shall see what happens... 

Not being silent

I know the theme for National Infertility week is Not Ignoring Infertility, which is great... But I can tell you one thing, no matter how hard I try I CANNOT ignore it. It is in my every waking thought and a lot of my not so waking thoughts. I eat, sleep, breathe infertility every second of the day. It seems as if everything reminds me of the lack of life growing in my ever aging womb. And I mean everything. So yeah for the women on FB that have decided not to ignore it and post heartfelt posts for all their FB "friends" to read... but I won't do that. And to me, that doesn't mean I am ignoring the issue.

I would say most of my FB "friends" know we are struggling to have a family. The ones that don't are male and single and really haven't given infertility a second thought because they are busy trying to prevent pregnancy. And why would I want them to know?? Infertility is the trail of my life!! It is so deeply painful and heart-wrenching that often I feel physical pain from my lack of being able to conceive. Dramatic maybe, but true. It is one part of my life I have no problem sharing with my close friends and family, but I don't really need the guy I had a crush on in 10th grade knowing about.

I applaud the women that feel they can be very open with the FB world about their struggles, but one thing I have noticed is that most of them, although still very much infertile, are on the other side of the path. They have shared their stories now that they have lived through it and survived. And maybe someday I will be able to do the same. (If and when I am so blessed.)

But for today this is me. I am infertile and I am dealing with it the best way I know how, by not writing a long post on our family blog and then linking it to any form of social media, and by not posting anything about NIAW on said social media sites. That just isn't my style. I don't judge if it IS your style, so please don't judge me because it isn't mine.

The Baby Sale

A few weeks back we were at a couples party at a friends house. I was standing and talking to our now due-any-day-maybe-someday-surrogate R when the hostess and her mother walked by slightly pushing me into R's full belly. They asked if I was rubbing it for good luck and I said of course I hear this sort of thing is contagious, when the old lady (mother of 8) put her had on my shoulder and said,"I really think you two should just adopt." She said it with a look of hello that is the only logical option, have you never thought of that kind of look. Deep breath, and then comes the vomit of my opinion about adoption:

"You know adoption is a major decision. And it is really hard! What do you think you can just run to Tar.get and pick up a baby from the store?!? 'Baby Sale 50% off' well I'll take 2 then, one of each in blue and pink. Did you know that the mom can change her mind?? We have considered adoption and really don't feel like it is the right path for us at this time. We are doing what we think is best and will continue walking this path together as a couple."

I know we have all been faced with these types of comments. I decided about 3 years ago I was no longer going to just smile and nod when someone threw something like this my way. And I'm grateful I made that decision. After 7.5 years of ttc does this lady REALLY think adoption has never crossed my mind?!? I have the papers from our would-be agency filed away with my other important IF papers. I know she probably means well but while she's at it she might as well give me sex advice and ask about my CM. To me it is that intrusive of a comment. This is private stuff we are going through and quite frankly the trial of my life! Please don't tell me to "just adopt".

He got it

He got the job! Both exciting and scary. Who knows what will be coming our way. He starts tomorrow at 7 am.

Happenings

I know I haven't bee writing much lately. I think it is hard to wrote on an IF blog when you are not currently cycling, or even have the hope of doing so in the next few months. Some of you ladies are so good about continuing on even when you are between cycles. I wish I could be more that way.

So what has been going on lately? Well DH had a very promising interview for a great position yesterday. Only problem is it's about 85 miles north of our home. He has made the long commute before and would do it again if he is awarded this position. Which means long hours away from home and me worrying about him being killed in a horrific car accident daily. Eventually, if all went well, we may even relocate to the new city. This brings lots of mixed emotions for me. I would be that much farther from my family and would have to start over with our church and friends and such. Not to mention possibly finding a new job. (But if things go well I will only have to get something part time.) Plus not to mention the house. Do we try to sell and get out what we have in, or do we rent and hope it isn't destroyed by renters. I know, this is crazy since an offer has yet to come our way, but I am a planner and I like to be prepared for things like this.

My job is getting better. Actually that isn't true, my attitude towards my job is getting better. I have come to realize I am blessed to have a job, and I really enjoy the people I work with. My two bosses are getting less demanding, and I am learning how to better handle when they are short with me.

Still no new developments on the IF front. But if above mentioned job does happen it will put us 85+ miles closer to the clinic we would like to use for IVF #2. So there's a bonus. My company has new insurance this year and it claims they cover 50% of an IF cycle up to $15k. No you ladies know the routine with insurance, usually they say that they will cover anything but IVF, but since it is up to $15k it seems weird that they would just mean IUI. I need to call the new clinic we are thinking about using and ask them to verify our benefits. If they do cover 50% of IVF we could be cycling sooner.

Thank you for continuing to comment even though I am kind of a bum. I still read all your posts, I have just not been commenting as much lately. It is so fun to see so many of the ladies I began this journey with transitioning into motherhood. It gives me hope to fight another day.

It's official...

I'm a statistic. SART posted the 2010 results for ART cycles and now our cycle is officially just a statistic. I'm a little bothered because 2010 our totally lame clinic looks pretty promising for a woman under 35 with MFI. Look here. It looks like 50% of couples that cycled, ok there were only 8 of us, but 4 got pregnant and 3 took home real live babies. Shoot, if you were over 35 your chances were even better! Although I must add that in 2009 only 1/11 took home a real live baby. It is just weird to know that I am in that number at the bottom, the 6 frozen transfers, 2 of them were mine. Our 5 little embryos that could.

I am sad that it has been 2 years now. It seems like it was so long ago. I remember how excited I was on the eve of our IVF. I am now looking forward to getting the next show on the road. No real plans yet, but I am hopeful that soon we will be able to do something. I hope next time we are on the other end of that statistic.

New Year, same story

My lucky number is 12. When I played sports it was my number. My husband and I were engaged on 12/24. When we started really getting this baby show on the road my dream was to have a baby (maybe our second, if things went well. HA!) in 2012. Well as we know, things did not go so well with IVF #1 or FET #1 or #2. So here we sit. Still seeking baby number one with no real end in sight. With each passing year I hope and pray that this will be "our year". I had really hoped that the stars would align and we could be back on the treatment roller-coaster by now... but we're not. And my heart hurts. The new year does not bring the promise of anything baby wise on the horizon and it sucks. We are quite blessed that we have finally saved all the $$ for IVF #2, (YEAH!!) but DH is still unemployed. I can't go in and spend our saving to make a baby without a fall back. Plus my job has changed and is BEYOND stressful now and I just can't calm myself enough to really give the next cycle a fighting chance. Now we know that stress does not equal infertility, but I believe that it can adversely affect the outcome of ART. And so we wait. For a job, for a miracle, for a chance to get this show on the road.