Adoption situation

Yesterday I was contacted by a friend who lives in the city we moved from. She has bio children and then they adopted their last child through the state much like we did with Little Miss. She was my guide while we went through our adoption process. She has kind of come to be known as the "adoption lady" in the area we lived in. So when she called yesterday, I was hopeful she was calling about a potential adoption situation, and she was!

So here's the scoop. Baby girl was born in September. BM and BF were together at the time but have since split and neither can do it on their own. The BM has other children who are also no longer in her care. (One of which is being adopted by another family we know.) They are considering placing baby girl. There have been a few families that have offered to take her but my friend put it perfectly when she said, "but really we are looking for her forever family. Not just a family who is willing to be her guardians for a while." So she thought of us and called to ask how I felt. So how do I feel about this???

Well first I feel excited there is a possibility of adding to our family again. I also feel a little strange because this baby will not be a newborn, and I never really pictured adding a child to our family that was more than a few weeks old. Will I love and be able to connect with her the way I was able to with Little Miss? I know that may sound totally selfish and strange, but this is my space and I want to be totally honest. I worry about the traumas she has already witnessed in her sort life on this earth. What kind of affect will that have on her? And then there is her birth family and all the loss that will be felt on their end and how will that relationship play out.

There is so much loss of control with IF, and then when you add in adoption even more loss of control, and now add in that the child will be a little older... I think letting go of control is what this trial has taught and continues to teach me. With Little Miss I did not get to control the environment she was grown in. But once she was born I was in charge of protecting her and keeping her from things that were harmful. With this little one she has had a lot happen in the few short months of her life. It breaks my heart. And it could still be many more months before the ball is rolling with a placement.

I'm so thankful for this space to voice my feelings and deepest thoughts about family building. As you can see this really is a maybe situation but I feel conflicted and want to be able to talk about it. Other than DH and the friend who called I don't have anyone to discuss it with. There is no plan in place yet, so I can't really talk about it with family or friends. I guess we will wait and see how things go. In the mean time we are still planning on cycling in the next few months, so unless something happens with this situation that is still our plan. It's crazy to think where life can sometimes take you.

New Year and next steps

We had our meetings with the Nurse Coordinator (NC) and the Financial Coordinator (FC) in November. They both were quick meetings. Both were supposed to take 1-2 hrs and we were in and out in 30 min. The NC appt was really just a review for me. Nothing new. The FC appt was new since we have never had coverage of IVF. The cycle still will cost us around $6k. And that's with our insurance covering $7k. That cost does include meds and such. It does not include acupuncture, which I am hoping to try this time around. So add in another $1-2k for that. Yikes!

Our plan is to move forward with a cycle in the next few months. We are moving from our current rental sometime in March. I was kind of hoping to start with my January cycle, but then I would be cycling and moving. No woman needs that kind of stress! Plus my hope is our next home will be closer to the clinic making all those daily US and BW appts a lot easier. So maybe April... We decided to wait until the new year so we could meet our deductible and out-of-pocket max all at one time. No sense in starting a cycle in December and have to pay all of those costs again in January. And once those costs are met we will have 100% coverage for the rest of the year. (Not for the actual IVF but everything else.)

I am still really nervous about the whole thing. I have a 2 yr old I have to accommodate now and find a sitter and also try not to lose it with when I am crazy on hormones. How do you moms out there do it with a little one at home and cycling? Last time I remember feeling like I was pretty crazy and I don't want to be like that this time. Fingers crossed this cycle won't be as traumatic.

When I called the office way back in July it felt like an eternity to wait for our consult. Now here we are in January and the thought of cycling in the next few months makes me scared. We all know the "what if's" that come along with this process, so no need for me to hash that all out here. I'm just so lost in this space where we once again find ourselves. I feel blessed we can cycle again and hating the fact that we have to. Will I ever accept that this is my lot in life? Part of me feels that accepting that is releasing a part of me that holds out hope that one day I will just be pregnant. No shots, no ultrasounds, no checks written, just pregnant. It's time to let go... It's just so dang hard.