I love technology

Modern day technology sure makes life fun. It is such a nice way to keep in touch with people all over the world. Ok, for me I mostly just keep up with people locally, let's be honest. There are times when FB has one too many pregnancy photos or announcements, but to be honest, I feel like the days of everyone getting prego are gone. Most of my friends are well past baby number 3 or 4, so many are done with the family growing stage. I'm still in my early 30's, but when friends start popping out babies in their early 20's, most are almost done by now. It's kind of nice. Sure Little Miss is the same age as some families 4 or 5 child, but I'm ok with that.

Anyway, the point of this post was to invite any of my readers who would like to keep up with our little family of 3 via Insta.gram to follow me on the site. My account is private, so you will have to request to follow. My account name is chaniraye. It is mostly pics of Little Miss, so for those who would prefer not to see a cute sassy 2 year old daily, I would suggest you just continue to follow our journey here and not on IG. My posts on IG are not related to IF just a fun way to document our sweet little girl and the fun stuff our family does. I have a few IF ladies I follow and it is so fun to see their adventures in motherhood. After all you ladies have been with me for a LONG time now. Some of you know more about our family than IRL friends do. It's how great trials bond the hearts of many together. And for most of us IF is the biggest hurdle we will have to overcome. So come see what our life is really like.

First Step

Friday we had our initial consult with the clinic here in our new city. It was a very through appointment. They have you feel out an extensive questionnaire online before your appointment and then our RE went over all of it with us. We talked a lot about cycle #1 and OHSS. I told the RE this time I CANNOT have that happen. I have an almost 2 year old at home, I can't be down in bed for 2.5 weeks. They have new protocols in place to help women who are sensitive like me. And they have different triggers than they did in 2010. And she said if I still have OHSS they can induce my period 4 days after retrieval, so that means only a few days of suffering. I felt good that this cycle wouldn't end like last cycle. Which was my #1 concern with doing IVF again.

After talking in her office for about 90 mins we went to an exam room where she did a physical exam and ultrasound. Physical exam went well. The ultrasound revealed a fibroid outside my uterus. I don't know anything about fibroids, other than what I have read on your blogs, so I don't know how long I've had it or if it will need to be removed before we cycle. They will do a Hysteroscopy and check the inside of my uterus before we cycle to determine if I will need to have surgery to remove it. I was really sad they found something wrong with my uterus. I guess it's good it isn't anything major. I was on cycle day 12 when we met and she was able to count lots of follicles and see the lead follicle and see I was about to ovulate. She said she guessed I would not have any issues with my AMH levels. (This is the hormone they now measure instead of FSH)

There are many things that make me feel good about this clinic. One of the big things is the RE's (there are 4 that rotate) will do all of the monitoring during my cycle. Last time I saw my RE at the consult and then egg retrieval. A NP reviewed all the labs and US's while I cycled. It felt very disconnected, so I'm happy this clinic is different. There are new procedures in place that will "hopefully" keep me from experiencing OHSS once again. There are lots of new things in place to make the cycle a success; Blast transfer, genetic screening on me and DH before cycling, vitrification of embryos instead of freezing, and more.

So the next step is to wait for the nurse coordinator to call and get us in to get the hysteroscopy set up and blood work for both of us. DH need to give his sample so we can see where his count is at now. We will also meet with the financial coordinator to see what all this will cost us. We are VERY blessed DH's new insurance will cove some of the costs. I'm guessing will will spend about $3-4K out of pocket. Which is a lot better than last time. We still have a few things to do before we actually cycle and if anything shows something unfavorable it will push us back even more. But here's to getting back on the horse!

Rescheduled

So I have had to reschedule our initial consult. Now we are set-up for October 17th. Yes, over two months away! Is that crazy or what?!?! DH has pointed out to me that really we are in no hurry to start the insanity again, and he is right. I want another baby so bad... but I am really dreading the whole IVF process. Last time was so hard and taxing physically and emotionally. I really had decided I didn't want to do it ever again. Then our miracle arrived and we had the opportunity to experience adoption. And let me tell you ladies, it was one of the most amazing and hardest times of my life. The pain of IVF, for me, had nothing on adoption. The difference being our adoption was successful so that at least made me think I could go through adoption again.

Bottom line is IF is a really hard trial. I am grateful for the opportunity to get to try for Baby #2 and I can't wait to see how he/she will join our family.

Answered Prayers

Sometimes when we are on this long and hard journey to our children we feel alone. Like God has forgotten us and our prayers are going unanswered. I have felt this way often. I know what I want is a righteous desire so why aren't children coming to our family? I really felt this way a few months ago when we contacted a couple that was looking to place their little girl, due in July, for adoption. I posted about it here. Before we knew their decision my prayer to my Heavenly Father was, "please Lord just let them want to meet us. But Thy will be done." I thought if we just had a chance to meet them they would get to know us and possibly fall in love with us. Alas, my prayer was not answered and they told us we were not the right fit. It was hard not to feel rejected. I let it go and realized that baby girl was not meant to be ours. I have come to have a strong testimony that the children who come to our family, by whatever means, will be OURS. Ones who were always meant to be in our family. So knowing that made it a little easier to move on.

I had a feeling that for some reason they wouldn't place their baby. And I had also offered a prayer for that, that the Lord would protect our hearts from that heartache. About once a month or maybe every 6 weeks I would check the website they had up for applying couples to see if they had any news. It didn't change.

Well today I noticed they said baby girl came early in mid June and they were no longer accepting applications for families. No mention of what ended up happening. So I looked on FB since we had a mutual friend of a friend. Turns out they did change their minds and decided to parent.

I realized my prayer was answered. He kept me from a heartbreak I didn't need and maybe couldn't have handled at this point in our journey. I feel so blessed and feel my faith and hope renewed that He is aware of me. And He will never leave me alone. Even when prayers seem unanswered, that is not the case. He has a plan and it is far better than what we can even imagine. I am so grateful for that and that sometimes when I ask He says no.

Putting on my big girl panties

I finally called the clinic to set-up an appointment. I put it off for weeks and even as the phone rang I almost hung up. I finally reached the appointment line only to be told I had to leave a message and they would call me back on Monday, since I called on a Friday. Very anticlimactic. 

They called back Monday morning. Little Miss was trying to grab the phone and talk to grandma, since in her mind that is the only person we ever talk to on the phone. It was a little funny since the lady who called was obviously a little annoyed I had a 20 month old being herself interrupting our call. I wanted to say, um hello, that's what happens when  you call at YOUR convenience and not mine. I called you during nap time, you did not. So now you will have to have some patience lady! 

Anyway, our initial consultation is set-up for August 20th at 3 pm. I'm a little nervous and excited. To be honest I'm not looking forward to cycling again. Anyone who has read my blog for a few years knows how IVF #1 ended and probably understands why. I have to tell myself not all cycles end with OHSS and they have the records from my last cycle so this one is bound to be better. Oh please Lord let it be better. And with any luck it will end with a squishy baby in our arms. I tell myself it is one step at a time. We will meet with the RE and see how we feel. Maybe that will be the end of it. I really don't know. One step at a time. 

Inadequate

So I'm having one of those "Man IF really Sucks" kind of days. An ex-friend who I am still friends with on FB just announced they are expecting baby #3. Her second daughter is just a few days younger than Little Miss. After seeing her cute little family announcing another little person will be joining their "team" I felt deflated. I don't know why pregnancy announcements still do this to me. Ok, that's a lie, I do know why. They are the reminder, that I don't need, that I am incapable of conceiving a child. They make me feel so inadequate.

So now boys and girls, it is time to make the big decision. Do we pursue another adoption or take our chances and give IVF one more try? Our home sold a little over a month ago, with that came the financial resources to make either option more than just a dream. I feel BEYOND blessed we are in this position... but at the same time I feel so much pressure to make the right decision. What if I choose IVF and it ends like IVF #1? What if I choose adoption and we have a BM who changes her mind? I know these are the realities of "baby making" for us. There is no escaping the what if's that come with IF. And today is one of those days when it just makes me a little angry. That may sound ungrateful but it's where I'm at today.

It's true...

I'm happy to report that making friends post-parenthood is a lot easier than making them without kids. I finally feel like I fit in! Well kind of. Being a SAHM my only social outlet is church. So I was a little concerned that maybe making friends would be hard and take a long time. Last time we moved to a new place it took well over a year maybe even two before I had friends I actually hung out with. It was rough, but I worked so I had ladies at work I socialized with, so I was fine. But now the only adult interaction I get is from DH. (Not complaining here ladies! I wouldn't trade life with Little Miss for my former life for even a second!) My concern was I was going to feel lonely and not really enjoy this new place if I didn't make friends and fast. Well the good news is I have a little mommy group I am hanging out with now. And it's wonderful! None of them have struggled to have kids, and obviously none have adopted, so we are not really alike in how we became moms, but I'm not going to let IF define me. It has for far too long. I am the one who has allowed it to do so and now I am saying enough! I'm sure some of the moms will think it's strange we have almost 11 years of marriage behind us and we are both in our 30's (DH's almost 40!) and our daughter isn't even 2, but who cares! When you move to a new place you are given the chance to start fresh so that is what I am going to do. IF will always be a part of my life. I am ready for baby #2 but have no clue how or when a second child will come to our family. IF doesn't go away just because I'm a mom. But it isn't the center of my world. That role has been taken over by a fun and sassy little 18 month old! Life is good!

Changes

It has been a busy month over here. DH got a new job at his company and with that came an opportunity to relocate our family. They said it would be 3-9 months before the move would take place. Well one week shy of 3 months we moved. We moved north to a big city 3 weeks ago. We are two hours farther from family and friends. The adjustment has been slow. We listed our very nice large home and got a full price offer on day 2! (Amazing blessing!!!) The home we are renting is small, and by small I mean under 900 sqft. To go from 2600 sqft 4 beds 3 baths to under 900 2 beds 1 bath has been interesting. Our tiny 1 car garage is FULL of stuff. This home was built in the 40's so there is no storage other than the garage. There are days I look back at videos of Little Miss in our home and just want to cry. I miss all our space. Now that our home is in escrow it just seems so final. I know we were led here and this is where we are meant to be for now, but my heart is having a hard time letting go. There are a few really great things about the new city. We are close to everything! Tons of parks, the library, downtown, museums, restaurants, the zoo, you name it and we can be there in 10-15 min or less! The house has a killer backyard and deck for all of us to enjoy some outdoor space. All in all I know this will be a great move for our little family. Once we start meeting people and making friends I'm sure it will feel a lot more like home. 

Our new ward seems, interesting. Our building had some issues so we haven't been able to meet like we normally would. This has hindered the ability to meet people and make friends. Being a SAHM church is really my only social outlet. We did meet a few people the first week and already one man had a "comment" about our one child. "And is she your only child?" My response, "Yep our one and only." Then he followed up with, "Well we have three already." I'm not sure if he wanted a pat on the back or applause for making three tiny people. Mind you he has no clue how long we have been married, how old we are, or any other important information that would allow him to draw the conclusion we are slacking on the whole procreating front. Nor does he know our little miracle is adopted. I just laughed and thought, well it's begun already. Before we moved I told DH we should tell everyone we have only been married for 3 years instead of the almost 11 we have truly been married. That way no one would pass judgment about our "one" child. He laughed and said we couldn't be dishonest with people and Little Miss is a miracle that everyone should know about. Fine, fine I thought. And who knows, maybe people knowing her story will help lead us to our next little miracle. You never know what God has in store. 

So there you have it. My life in a nutshell. Like I said, the adjustment has been slow. There are days I'm really happy to be here and then there are days when I feel like this place may never feel like home. I guess it is all a process. I keep telling myself we don't have to live in this city forever, which is true, DH's company has locations throughout N Cali, and we could potentially move to any one of them. Including the city we both grew-up in. But we will be here for at least a year or two. I swear I use to handle big changes so much better. The older I get the harder it is. The silver lining is Little Miss seems to enjoy all the fun things we do and is adapting quite easily. Which is such a blessing. It will get easier and better as time goes on. We are so blessed to have all that we do and today that is what I will focus on. 

My heart hurts

So a fried texted a few days ago directing me to a website that was set-up by birth parents looking to place their unborn child with an adopted family. My heart skipped a beat when I got the text and then reviewed their web page. "Little Miss could have a sibling in a matter of months!" I was excited and humbled by the opportunity to adopt again. They had an application which consisted of 30+ questions they wanted both parents to answer. I talked to DH about it and we decided to throw our hat in the ring. It took us 2 days to answer all the in depth questions they had. I tried not to invest too much and knew they possibly had MANY applicants who were hoping for the opportunity to be considered.

We waited and waited and today the answer came that we were not selected as one of the families they wanted to meet. My heart broke and tears flowed. I was so hopeful... and now the hope is gone once again. This may be even worse than when I found out FET #1 and 2 didn't work. This time there was an actual baby kicking away in another woman's uterus involved. This was more than just a hope that maybe a few eggs in my killer uterus would amount to more than just a few cells. This my friends was an actual baby.

The irony is I believe with all my heart that adopted children are sent to THEIR families, not just any family. So really by them not picking up it is because we aren't the family our Heavenly Father has intended for this baby. I have a testimony of that... so why does my heart hurt so bad?

Well hello old friend

It's been months. Sorry for my lack of posting. I just haven't felt like I have had much to say in this space. Little Miss is 14 months old!! It is amazing and wonderful and tiring to have a toddler. She is amazing and I feel blessed every second of every day that I get to be her mommy. She is the light of my life!

As she approached her first birthday my thoughts turned to possibly giving her a sibling. It is funny, you go through all we do and the end goal is just to have one healthy baby. Well we have reached that end goal so it feels funny and even a little selfish to want more. I have really wrestled with this thought. I have laid awake at night and felt ungrateful that just down the hall I have a little miracle sleeping in her crib peacefully. I'm not sure if you ladies who are on the other side feel this. I feel like the world is saying, "really you spent all this time to just have a child, and now that you have her you want MORE?!?! How dare you!" Fertile people don't experience this, I'm sure. But alas I do want another baby. And if I'm being perfectly honest, which I try to be in this space, I really want that baby more for Little Miss than I do myself. Siblings are wonderful. I am the oldest of a large family and I love it. I can't imagine one day of my life without my sibs. I can't imagine a life for LM that didn't include at least one little brother/sister to love. So where does that leave us?

DH and I have discussed possibly pursuing another adoption, like the normal way most people do. Since we were BEYOND blessed that LM's adoption situation just fell in our laps. Then there is the IVF #2 option... DH was recently blessed with a great job and just moved to a permanent position with benefits that will cover part of one cycle. There are also the 3 little embryos we have on ice back at our old clinic. (Which I doubt will amount to much given our history with the embryos from dreaded IVF #1)

So those are our options. I have been praying and pondering what direction we should go. Each one carries ricks and possible heartache. But the wonderful thing about this time around is my arms will not be empty at the end. I am already someone's mommy and if she is the only child who calls me mom I will consider myself blessed beyond measure.