Bring it!

I am so excited for the New Year. 2009 was a bit of a bust. Last year at this time we were gearing up for our first RE appt. I really thought 2009 would be "our year". It's ok. Things happen, plans change. So here we come 2010! Ready or not!

PMS + The Holidays = Good times

Just kidding! Why must AF come right in the middle of all the action. Saturday we had to get the rest of our shopping done. Oh that was fun. I had to run into Kh.ol's to return a pair of shoes. I waited in line for like 20 min only to get up to the register to be informed they don't do returns there and I would have to do them at their Customer Service counter. UH!! I grabbed my stuff and walked out the door. Tears started streaming as I called DH to come get me. He had dropped me off so I could just "run in". I cried the whole way home and climbed into bed when we got there. I just needed to rest and not deal with everything. PMS + Holiday Madness, not a good mix. I have yet to go back to try and return them. Maybe this weekend.

Today is CD1 and I realized this will be my last drug free cycle. Next cycle I will start bcp to prep for IVF. I am ready to get the hormone party started.

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas!

They should win

That's what my husband told me last night while watching Monday night's DVR'ed episode of Si.ng O.ff. He was referring to the Colo.rado group named F.ace. You see, one of the group members is married to a br.east can.cer survivor and she was rendered infertile after che.mo. Before going in for treatment they froze a few embryos hoping to have her carry them after treatment. Unfortunately the dang drugs took that away from her too. The story goes on that one of the band mate's wife offered to be a gestational carrier for the couple. They are now the proud parents of a son. So after seeing this story on the show, DH looked at me and said, "Aww, they should win." I thought it was really sweet given the fact that DH really doesn't like to talk about IF stuff and seems to fell only marginally sympathetic for me when I have a total break down about it. (But I really don't think he knows what to do with me in those instances.) I simply agreed and was singing hallelujah on the inside. He gets it!

Getting my Christmas wish

It looks like we are a go for a February cycle! So that means bcp will start next month. I am scared, nervous, excited, hopeful all at the same time!! I am trying to be cautiously optimistic... but I really feel like this is going to work. It certainly will be the closest we have EVER been to being pregnant.

I am also happy to report I am finally 100% in the holiday spirit! We have a little family in our ward that could really use some gifts this Christmas, so we are going to play Secret Santa. They have 4 children, 2 girls and 2 boys. They range in age from 8 to 2. Each will get a new coat and a toy. Christmas is all about giving and I couldn't think of a better thing to give. DH and I don't need gifts. We are so blessed.

What have you done to get in the Christmas spirit?

What would you like?

DH asked me last night what I wanted for Christmas. I told him all I want is to meet our saving requirement so we can get this baby making show on the road. I wish I could send out a mass email to our family and say, "This year for Christmas please do not give us gifts. We would prefer cold hard cash. Please and thank you." Tacky?? Um, yes. Just a bit. Ok, maybe a lot! Even if it was only $20, I would rather put that into our savings than some ugly fleece vest my grandmother felt I had to have. Oh well. At least I can tell DH not to buy me anything. I think it may also help us remember the true meaning of Christmas.

What are you asking for for Christmas?

Thanks!!

I wanted to first thank all of you wonderful ladies for your suggestions with my Holiday Blues. I am doing a lot better now. I am generally a pretty happy person, so I can only stay down for so long. So now, onward and upward!

Sweet Elle at Hope and Envy gave me the Kreativ Blog Award! Thank you Elle!!

The Rules:
· Share 7 things that you don't already know about me.
· Name 7 other blogs to receive this award.
· Leave a comment on each of the blogs I nominated.
· Thank the person who gave you the award.


Ok so, 7 things you didn't know about me...

1. If I could have any profession I would be a baker. I would love to open my own bakery one day.

2. I love big cities! I have always dreamed of living in a loft over some cool Thai Restaurant. (Well like 4-7 floors above it.) We have talked about moving to San Francisco several times. Maybe someday we will!

3. When I was a kid my grandmother always made us use the bathroom before bed. She would even wake us in the middle of night to use it. Now I still have to go right before bed. If I wake up in the middle of the night, which I do very often, I can’t go back to sleep until I have gone to the bathroom. (Oh pregnancy is going to be fun!)

4. I don’t like pizza.

5. I LOVE all Asian food! From Pho to sushi.
6. I love to fill out forms. I know that sounds strange, but I do. DH has never filled out a medical, DMV, or tax form since we have been married.

7. I learned to swim before I could walk. I still love the water.

I would like to nominate all the ladies over in my sidebar! I want to know 7 things about you!!

Not so jolly

I have to come clean, I am having a really hard time this holiday season. Yes, this is my 6th holiday season in IF land, but for some reason this one feels different. I think a big part of that is we are trying so hard to save money we aren't really giving gifts to each other or taking a trip. The last few years we have gone somewhere to "escape" all the family Christmas stuff. This year DH can't take time off from his new job and we need to save every penny. I don't feel merry or jolly. I have no desire to do anything Christmas related. (Well I did get our tree up, but that's it.) I'm sure all my fellow IF sisters have been here before and many are here right now. I honestly have never been so depressed over the holidays. It just doesn't seem like Christmas time.

Sigh...

I'm sure I will get over it. Just not today.

Deck the halls...

We survived Thanksgiving! It was so much fun. I was totally exhausted by the time DH's parents left at 7:30 Thursday night. I still had to put our furniture back together and wipe down the kitchen, so I couldn't just go to bed. The best thing about hosting Thanksgiving is all the leftovers! Our fridge is stocked.

We set up our tree on Saturday.

Before....

After...

I took these with my phone, sorry they aren't very good. I bought all new ornaments last year the day after Christmas. I was so excited to put the tree up. Now we just need to get the lights up outside and we will be set. Hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving! I can't believe 2009 is coming to an end. This year went by way too fast!

What would you bring??

Since Mel is hosting her own virtual feast, I thought it would be fun to do these same. What is your favorite Thanksgiving item? If you were coming to my full house what would you bring to share? I am a dessert hog! So I would like share my Turtle Pumpkin Pie with all of you.

Mmmm...

Welcome cold and flu season

How do you keep everyone at a company well and avoid spreading the flu?

Put these neat automatic hand sanitizer stands all over the building. Do you Pu.rell?

A full house

We will have a full house for Thanksgiving. DH's sister, R, confirmed they will be coming! That makes 17 total guests. I love being in the kitchen and I am really looking forward to 2 full days of kitchen work.

Even though I have all this insanity going on with getting ready, all my thoughts are turned to IF. I was hoping the holidays would distract me... Hoping and praying this is our LAST holiday without a baby.

MIA

So I know I have been missing in action for a bit now. I have just had so much on my mind. With my mom being sick, infertility, and the holidays I just have so much on my mind. Did I mention we are hosting Thanksgiving in our new house?!?! I am super excited about it. I have been making most of the food for the last 3 years, so the only difference is it will be at our house. My mom will be making the turkey and stuffing and my sisters all have their assignments. I can't believe it is next week! I am looking forward to being in my kitchen all day and enjoying family. We will have both sets of parents, my 4 sisters who all still live at home, and maybe DH's oldest sister's family. We will have 17 total if DH's sister comes. If now we will back down to 10. Then we will drive the hour back to our hometown to do a little (maybe a lot) of Black Friday shopping! I love Black Friday shopping. The mess of crowds, the early morning air, and oh the deals. Can't wait!

While I have been away I have still been reading your blogs. I was so sad to learn that two fellow IF sister had miscarriages in the last week. Please go over and give HUGS to MeAndBaby who just had her 3rd miscarriage after IUI #7 and Baby OCD who is having her first loss after 5 failed IFV's and her first DIUI. It is so incredibly unfair to try as hard as we do and have a pregnancy end in miscarriage. After all the time, effort and money it shouldn't happen. My heart goes out to both of these amazingly strong women.

Creme de la Creme

Since this is my first year blogging I don't know much about the Creme de la Creme list, but I hear it is all the rage! So submit your favorite post from your own blog. Click on the icon above or on my sidebar.

November already

I can't believe it is already November! I love the holiday season. The smells, the sounds, the food! We are hosting Thanksgiving at our house this year! I am pretty excited but nervous at the same time. Hopefully I will survive.

I was thinking about our plan last night and it dawned on me that is we would've started our first IVF in March as planned I would be 8 months pregnant right now. (Well if it would've worked.) My RE gave me an EDD of December 20th. There are times it feel like it will never happen. We have waited so long and we still have months to go. Sigh... I guess I am still being taught how to be patient.

Hope you all had a happy Halloween! Thanksgiving is only 3 weeks away! I better get shopping.

Revision on the new plan

I slept on it, and I just can't give up the idea of having DH's baby. We are going to try IVF once and then move on to DIUI. This way we have given our own genetics a try. When I told DH my thoughts this morning he said he felt the same way. So sorry folks, put the breaks on. We will not be cycling in December. Hopefully we will have the money saved by Jan-Feb, maybe March. We did some strict budgeting and we should be able to have the rest of what we need by then, plus the cushion DH requires to move forward. I guess my posting last night was a bit premature.

A new plan

I had a MAJOR break down Friday night. I mean real bad! I have reached my breaking point with life. Between IVF, lack of funds, my mom being sick, and pregnant women everywhere, I just could not seem to cope one more second. Poor DH, he is such a wonderful man and sat with me and let me tell him how much I hate the world. I just feel like I can't take all this pressure. So tonight we sat down and talked about our fertility plan. Not something we have done in a while. We came up with a totally new plan..... Donor IUI. We both feel that, given our fertility issues, it is a good step to try before pulling out the big guns for IVF. He doesn't really care about having genetic connections to our children and likes the fact that it is thousands cheaper than IVF. The great news is we will be starting ASAP. I am scared and still weighing through all the emotions. We have thought a lot about adoption, and have always felt like that was something we would do, so this at least gives us the opportunity to have some genetic connection to a child.

Thoughts??

**Side note - we have actually been talking about DIUI for months now and finally went through everything and decided it was the next step we wanted to take. So know that this decision was not made in one conversation.

All the love

Thank you bloggy friends for the outpouring of love! These past two days have been a nightmare. My poor mom has been sick for so long. I think she is relived to finally have a diagnosis. From what I have researched Lymph.oma is a very treatable cancer. I have faith that she will be ok, and we will be able to get through this. Her news is incredibly hard because my father was killed in a car accident when I was 7, so, being the oldest child, I was more like my mom's right-hand-man growing up. She is my best friend! I simply don't know how I would live without her. And how the heck could I be a mom without her!! Ok, the tears are coming, I need to stop.

I just wanted to say thank you so much! I haven't been able to tell any IRL friends because my mom doesn't want people to know until the doctors know more about what stage it is at and what form of Lymph.oma she has. So being able to vent here has been such a relief. I wish I could hug each one of you. Thank you for all the prayers. I will update as I know more.

One call...

My mom was diagnosed with Lymp.homa yesterday... there are no words.

What's inside

This is what Fertility Blend for men has in it.

Ingredients for men's :
Vitamin C (as ascorbic acid) 120 mg
Vitamin E (as d-alpha tocopherol) 150 IU
Vitamin B6 (as pyridoxine hydrochloride) 2 mcg
Vitamon B12 (as cyanocobalmin) 6 mcg
Folate (as folic acid) 400 mcg
Zinc (as gluconate) 15 gm
Selenium (as sodium selenate) 70 mcg
Proprietary Blend: L-Carnitine fumarate, green tea (camelia sinensis) - standardized leaf extract, and Dong quai - standardized root extract (900 mg)

Helping out the swimmers

Our RE recommended DH start taking Fertility Belnd before our first try at IVF. He took it for 3 months earlier this year when we hoped to do our cycle in July. He didn't do anohter SA since we decided to hold off for a bit. We know it wont make his swimmers majically go from >1 million to 20 million. We hope that maybe it will improves his motility. He just started back on it a few days ago and has another three month supply. (Keeping our fingers crossed we will have the money saved in 3 months)

Has your hubby ever tried some kind of herbal blend? Did it work?

Benched

I am getting really restless sitting on the bench waiting for my turn to go in. I know that DH wants to have every penny accounted for before we start our first round of IVF, but all this waiting is killing me! I have a wonderful friend I have known for years. She and her husband have triplets conceived through IVF. She was the first person I reached out to when we learned of DH's diagnosis. Turns out they have the same issue. She went in for her FET last week and is pregnant, this time with one baby. I am super excited fer her. They are amazing parents and such a cute little family. My sadness came because we were planning to do our cycle before her, then maybe at the same time, now after. I know that it will happen sooner rather than later, but I wish sooner was today! Is 5 years not long enough to wait?!? All I want for Christmas is IVF!

Well thank you!!

Lin at Our Someday Family... gave me an award! Thank you so much Lin! So now it is my turn to pass it on.

Here are the rules:

Rules

1. You Can Only Use One Word!

2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers

3. Alert them that you have given them this award!

4. Have Fun!

The Fun Part

1. Where is your cell phone? Purse

2. Your hair? Brown

3. Your mother? Amazing

4. Your father? Loving

5. Your favorite food? Chocolate

6. Your dream last night? Strange

7. Your favorite drink? Water

8. Your dream/goal? Motherhood

9. What room are you in? Office

10. Your hobby? Baking

11. Your fear? Rape

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Home

13. Where were you last night? Running

14. Something that you aren’t? Tall

15. Muffins? Blueberry

16. Wish list item? IVF

17. Where did you grow up? Cali

18. Last thing you did? Text

19. What are you wearing? Clothes

20. Your TV? There

21. Your pets? Remi

22. Friends? Missing

23. Your life? Waiting

24. Your mood? Content

25. Missing someone? Mom

26. Vehicle? Camry

27. Something you’re not wearing? Socks

28. Your favorite store? Target

29. Your favorite color? Red

30. When was the last time you laughed? Now

31. Last time you cried? Sunday

32. Your best friend? Hubby

33. One place that I go to over and over? Work

34. One person who emails me regularly? AM.R

35. Favorite place to eat? Sushi

Recipients

1. IF Optimist

2. Call Me Mama

3. Crazy Lady

4. Hope.Faith.Patience

5. Is It My Turn Yet?

6. Baby Making Journey

Don't forget to pass it on!!

Creations

This is what I did for the shower. The pictures do not do this beautiful stand justice.

These are the cute Martha Stuart favor boxes I bought and added the sticker to each. They house my Oreo Truffles. YUM!!

Glad it's over

That is all I can say about the shower. Actually, it went really well and so many wonderful women pitched in to make it fun. I made Oreo truffles for the favors and cupcakes for dessert. We had a few easy finger foods for our meal, the shower was at 3:30 pm so I didn't feel the need to feed everyone a full meal. The mom-to-be was so sweet. She really appreciated all I did. She even brought me a little thank you gift. I will be showing off my creations for show-n-tell this week.

I didn't break down at all, not even after it was all over. I do hate conversations ALL about birth and babies, and that is what baby showers are all about. So I mostly listened in and gave a supportive ear without adding anything to the conversation. The gifts were the hardest part, but I kept busy by making sure mom-to-be could reach each one and them I re-packaged them afterwards.

Thank you for all your supportive words. I have sworn off throwing baby showers indefinitely.

Living in a dream

I had the most amazing dream last night. I was in a room with lots of people, all of whom I knew and loved. A doctor came in and turned on a machine and put a wand on my belly. "Lets see... Baby A is a boy and the other twin... is a girl." I burst into tears and hugged DH tight. My mom walked in the room and we all celebrated together. It was so real. The weird part was I was looking into my womb as the ultrasound was being performed, like I was in there with the babies, and they were wearing little t-shirts. HAHA! It was really strange, but the overall message was amazing. We went shopping for baby sized goodies after that. I was so happy.

I wish I lived in this dream world. It gives me great hopes for our upcoming IVF cycle.

Why do I do this??

I offered to throw a baby shower for a lady I go to church with.

I hardly know her.

This is her 4th, yes 4th, child.

Her second boy. (Her youngest is a boy. He's 5.)

Did I mention it is this Saturday...

I don't want to do this.

I don't want to do this...

Why did I offer??

I must be losing my mind!

Actually I think it is my way of saying, "Look I am playing nice. I am ok and have accepted my infertile state. Can I please have a baby now?"

Pathetic, I know.

Bad mojo - Part 2

And the drama continues. Last night J, my friend E's hubby, came over to discuss his side to all the drama. He didn't take a defensive stance, he just wanted us to hear what concerns him about E and things that are going on behind the scenes.

I really appreciated his honesty. I think both DH and myself were able to give him our insight into what E feels is happening in their marriage. One of the biggest faults dear J has is he doesn't take responsibility when he hurts E's feelings. He feels it is her fault she took something the way she did. I tried to explain he can't do this, and he wasn't really getting it. Then DH stepped in and gave him a harsh lesson in taking responsibility for his actions. (I just love him.) This is a lesson DH has learned over the last 6 years. If something he says hurts my feelings he need to own that and try to communicate better.

We learned a lot more about both J and E. Sweet E has some very self destructive behavior that is obviously affecting not only their marriage, but also her children. Yes, J has things he needs to work on, but E has to pull herself out of this bad place she is in where she hates J and herself.

I don't know what we can really do to help. DH has always felt I needed to speak out more when E is out of line. I have told him it is not my place, I don't need her to hate me too. Now let me say she is not doing anything like getting drunk or doing illegal drugs. Her bad habits are pity eating, spending $$, and drinking energy drinks, to name a few. (There are a few worse ones I don't think should be mentioned.) But when she was at our house venting Tuesday night DH wanted me to stick up for J and try to get her to talk to him. I feel she needs a place she can vent where she feels like she isn't judged. I have decided that from now on, she will not do this with me in front of her children. It is not healthy and they don't need to hear it. I am also going to try to encourage her to go to counseling. They have done marriage counseling, which didn't help too much, but I think she needs to do one-on-one sessions.

Thank you so much for all your comments on my last post. I really feel like I am at a loss and could use any advice I can get! And yes, we are a very different couple than they are. We have had 6 years to work on things just the two of us and E was pregnant with her first when they got married. So I think our relationship has a totally different dynamic.

Most importantly J said he has full faith E will return to the path she needs to be on. He knows this is just a big bump in the road and they will be ok. I hope he is right.


*As a little side note. I talked to DH about the not having kids comment he made last night and told him how much it hurt me. He apologized and said that was not what he meant. We just got in a new order of his Fertil.ity B.lend junk so hopefully that will help. We are moving forward.

Bad mojo

My BF IRL is going through a really rough patch. She and her husband are not getting along and it is taking a toll on everyone in their family, especially their oldest son who is 11. Both of them have a very hard time not fighting in front of their kids, but her husband feels the need to tell their children things that are hurtful and "adult" subject matter.

Let me give you an example, last night she escaped to my house. I am pretty sure when her 4 children realized their mother was missing her husband informed them she had left them. Something like, "she left us. Can you believe that?!" I received a sobbing call from her 11 year old around 9:06 pm, right after she left, asking if I knew where his mom was. I told him she had just left and was on her way home.

I don't know what to do to help my friend. I really think they are just going through a bad year and need to continue to work at things. She is to the point where she wants to leave. I am wondering if it is better to do so given the current circumstances. Now let me also say her husband is not abusive or cheating. He is an overall good man who is just plain stupid at times.

So now, how this relates to me, seeing them argue over kids stuff is making my DH wonder why people have kids. I know he knows that the kids are not the issue, but he sees them as something more to strain a marriage. He told me he feels fortunate that we don't have them yet. Oh he drives me nuts! I think he was just saying it because that is how he felt at that moment. I wish he would think before he speaks.

The point, how do I support my friend without letting all of this bad mojo affect my marriage??

Still working through it

I wanted to say THANK YOU to all of you ladies who commented on my last post. DH really makes my head spin at times and I am so grateful I have bloggy friends to help. We are still working through the "exact number" we will need to move on with treatment. That is such a hard number to decide on since we really don't know exactly what our final out of pocket fee will be. My insurance will cover the u/s, which will take off quite a bit, and I am praying they will cover some of the meds. I know they say an IVF cycle cost between $10-15k, but my calculations seem to be lower... maybe I am missing something.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for all the support!

Freak out session

It all started Saturday night when we were on our way home from a fun filled weekend with our family. DH was talking about the bonus he was hoping to get in December. He has been working really hard at his new job and doing very well. He made the comment, “I will keep it all for myself.” Um, no, our marriage has never been this way. We do live the yours-is-mine principle, so I knew he was somewhat joking about keeping it for himself. I said, “Oh, I thought you would be adding it to our IVF fund.” I guess that was not what he had in mind. He went on to tell me that he doesn’t think we will ever get to the point were we can stick $10-15K into treatment. He doesn’t see how we could ever save that kind of money. Life just happens and we need to save “x” amount before we can even think about doing this. And basically how he still needs to be able to have fun with some money before we do all of that. (Hello, what has been going on the last 5 years!?!?) All I heard was, “it’s never going to happen, I’m not ready, your dream is not mine.” I cried and was silent for a long time. We discussed some more, which was going nowhere, and decided to sleep on it.

Sunday I was so sad I couldn’t go to church. I called a friend to teach my class and stayed in bed most of the day. I didn’t eat anything. I was just too upset. He apologized and tried to explain what he meant. Obviously what was said and what I heard were two different things. I felt like few things were resolved and we left it at, yes we would do treatment... but who knows when.

Monday I came to work and decided I was just going to move on. I had to find another “thing” to take up my time. I was still devastated, but like I said in my first post, I would not force him into this. I needed him to be on board 100%. And as hard as it was to accept, I love him more than my desire to have children. So last night he couldn’t really get why I was still depressed. I told him how I felt and what I thought he was saying. Turns out I was still getting it wrong. We are still going to shoot for December, but that looks like a long shot given that we are still a considerable amount away from our goal. He wants to be sure we still have money left over in our savings when our first cycle is over. I can understand that. Our plan is for me to stay home after our miracle comes, so somehow in his mind that translates into me getting pregnant and stopping work all in one day, which will NOT be the case. So to appease him we will have a cushion before we start treatment.

Please tell me I am not the only one with a DH who freaks out a bit about the financial aspect of IVF. Have any of your husbands freaked out? I know he wants to be a parent, but for him it would be so much easier if it just happened. (Which he has admitted he still thinks it will. Hello! We have severe MFI! Obviously he needs to listen a bit more at our RE appointments.) Our RE even asked if we wanted to use donor sperm for our IVF. My reply, “thank you, but no. If we were going to go that route I could just use an OPT and inseminate myself! Thank you very much.” I want to at least try to have my husband’s child. I mean we haven’t even had one cycle yet, why would he put that out there so early?? He isn’t sterile. Ok, getting off track. My point in all of this is I feel like I am the only infertile lady who has a DH who still freaks out about doing IVF, even after 5 yrs of trying and several MD’s who have told us we will never get pregnant on our own. I really thought we were past this stuff. I really thought we were on the same page. I think we are, it’s just getting the money to do it and helping him feel comfortable with writing that check.

*Sorry to any of you who may have read my venting session yesterday. I just needed to put it out there, and after I did, I realized I was being dramatic and needed to hold off until all sides were considered.
**Also, I am not opposed to using donor sperm if it comes to that. I was just using our RE’s comment as a bench mark for where our MFI is. I hope I did not offend anyone.

The life I imagined

I will turn 27 this week on the 27th. Yes, it is my Golden Birthday. I can remember back when I was a kid thinking how weird it would be when I was actually truing 27 on the 27th. I imagined where I would be in my life by then. The picture changed a bit over the years, but one thing that remained the same is the family I envisioned.

Even this year, as we started our work-up with our RE, I was sure I would be pregnant by my birthday. August seemed so far away in January... Now we are here. It didn't take long at all. My dreams of having a family are still on hold but ever closer. Maybe next year.

Will I ever learn...

...that teenagers can get pregnant without even trying, and that I need to not be so shocked!?! Probably not. Yesterday a co-worked told me her 16 year old granddaughter is knocked-up. (It is "knocked-up" and not expecting, pregnant, or with child when they are 16.) And not just a little bit, she is 5 months!!

Pick jaw up off floor and push eyes back into sockets.

And she just had her first OB appointment last week. Did I mention she lived with her grandmother, my co-worker, when she conceived?? Oh and she was on BCP to help prevent this kind of a mess. But at 16 who can really expect her to take that tiny pill everyday at precisely the exact same time as the day before as noted in the instructions.

My first words out were, "She's pregnant! B is pregnant!" "I wish I could give it to you," was her reply. I wish so too!

I would like to say that there are not two, but three guarantees in this life... death, taxes, and undeserved pregnancies.

***Yes, she will be keeping the baby and raising it with her drug abusing mother and mom's new live-in boyfriend. B's boyfriend is out of the picture, surprise, surprise.

After party

What happens after an IVF cycle? What is the after party like if the outcome is good? And what if it is bad?

Last night we delivered some home baked goods to a family we go to church with. They are on the opposite end of the fertility pool, their first 3 kids are all 12-14 months apart, 6 kids total. Most of their kids have left the nest, only have two left at home. She has been good about asking questions about IVF and what a cycle will entail for me. Well last night she asked me for an update since it had been about a month since we had last spoken about it. The she asked about the after party. "What is the after party like if we don't get good news?"

I was at a loss. What is it like? Will I want company? Will I want support from all my very fertile friends who have no clue what it is like to shell out $15k just to have the possibility of getting pregnant? Will I even want to get out of bed?

The truth is, and what I told her, is I don't know. IF is hard to accept when you try cycle after cycle naturally and nothing happens... but what about the cycles where you have thousands invested, countless hours of monitoring, tons of hormones, and still the outcome is the same?

I don't know the answer to any of these questions, and to be honest I haven't really thought about the outcome being negative. My hope and prayer is that we will be a one shot success story, and for now that's where my focus lies. Staying on the "it will work" side is where I want to be.

What was your after party like?

An Award...

Sweet Sarah at Babies everywhere... but none that call me mama gave me this wonderful award...




The rules of the “One Lovely Blog Award” are: Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link. Pass the award to other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

I would like to pass this award along to these great girls:

1. Sassyiflady at The Sassy Infertile Lady
2. Lorza at Baby Making Journey
3. IF Optimist at IF Optimist, then...
4. Rebbecca at Crazy Lady Ramblings
5. Liddy at The Unfair Struggle
6. Hope.Fatith.Patience at Hope.Faith.Patience
7. Illanare at My word fly up, my thoughts remain below
8. Hillary at Making Me Mom

I know that there are supposed to be more, but so many people have received this lately. Thank you to all my readers. This journey is hard enough, we should not travel alone!

Are you sure you're not just pregnant?

When we were first married I got asked this question a lot. "No, I'm sure I'm not," was always my reply. We were preventing back then (what a waste) so I would POAS just to make sure. But alas we never were. Well now 6 years later the questions have stopped and when I get sick people do not assume I am "with child".

Imagine my surprise when a good friend sent me a message on facebook asking the question I haven't heard in years. She said, "You have been sick a lot lately. Are you sure it is not a miracle pregnancy... it has been know to happen." Right. Things like pregnancy don't just happen when your husband has a sperm count like mine. IF we get pregnant with IVF/ICSI that will be a miracle! Falling pregnant by ourselves, impossible.

This friend and I started trying at the same time. She is now expecting her third son in the next few weeks. For her, yes, babies happen. Maybe that is why she doesn't get it. All those stories of people trying for 11 years and now are expecting twins after they stopped trying, do not have our issues. Or the ones that adopt and then go on to have 12 biological children. (Yes, this happened to a family I knew growing up.) This will not be our fate. God gives us all different trials and blessings. I have come to accept that. It's ok.


Why can't the rest of the world accept my infertility?

This may be TMI...

Stop reading now if you have sensitive ears. I have learned through our IF journey to share, share, share. So if this is TMI for some of you I am sorry.

Don't walk, run to the store to pick yourself up Some of the new KY Intense. Seriously worth the money!!

Especially for those of you who may not find the "deed" as enticing as it once was. All I can say is "THANK YOU" to whoever invented this!!

Seeing green

Do you ever see green?

I know I do when I see a pregnant woman or a mother holding a newborn. But over the coarse of the last year or so I have learned a lot about envy. I know we have heard a million times how it is poisonous. How it can kill any relationship. Well now I am finally starting to really get it.

DH and I do ok financially. We have good jobs and both work full-time. We have been savers from the get-go and have been able to afford things other cannot simply by not living paycheck to paycheck. We recently purchased a new home. Well now it seems we are surrounded by envy. We got a great deal and are paying a fraction of what we were paying for our old mortgage. (And this new house is more than twice its size. Gotta love the California home market.) My best friend is perhaps the most envious of our new digs. It has really put a strain on our relationship. When she says something about how jealous she is of our new house I quickly point out that she does have 4 beautiful children and I would trade her. But is that really the way to continue a friendship. We have a new couch but you can get pregnant any time you want. Have any of you experienced similar situations with friends or family?

Hope...

...that is what the last five years have taken from me. Today AF was due and she hasn't come. Not even an inkling of her knocking at my door. Five years ago I would have ran to the drug store and bought a big box of HPT's. I would've called my husband to tell him I was late. I even would have browsed the net for early pregnancy symptoms and read up on what to expect in the first trimester...

Now I know that she is late but will be here soon enough. I know that this month will not be "the month". I know my nausea, fatigue, thirst, etc. are not early pregnancy symptoms. I know I am not pregnant.


On the flip side, these past five years have taught me to value AF because she means we have another chance. I have learned to enjoy intimacy with my husband because, for us, it will not produce a child. I have gained a broader understanding of the human body and what a wonder it is that anyone gets pregnant by accident!

Taking the good with the bad is all any of us can do in our situations and pray that hope is not gone forever.

A decision

We are going to consult with Clinic #2. Thank you to all you wonderful ladies for your input. I want to schedule it for no later than September so we can get the ball rolling before the end of the year. Clinic #3 is still in the back of my mind, but 3+ hrs each way is a bit much. So for now we will check out #2 and see how we feel about the RE's in that office.

I am concerned about feeling like a number, but we wont know if we don't consult with them. Lots of wonderful women have said great things about them.

As for the loan, we are still kind of up in the air. I really think it would give us peace of mind. (No we have NEVER borrowed money from my parents.) So we would owe them, but the extra interest the 401k would charge my mom would go directly into her account, so it would increase the amount. We are going to save like crazy and see what we can come up with in the next few months. Time just goes by so quickly!!

A loan??

One thing I love about having an anonymous blog is I can be totally honest about things that are happening in my life. Especially things I so desperately need advice about. Like what happened Saturday night...

DH and I went to see Transformers with some friends. Saturday night. I took my phone out to turn the ringer off and my mom was calling me. I told her we were getting ready to watch a movie and usually she would say, "Oh, ok. Well call me later." This time she proceeded to talk, so I knew something was up. She told me that she has a retirement account she wants to pull $9k dollars out of so we can get the "baby show" on the road. She can pull it out without penalties as long as it is for an emergency. We would pay her back over the next few months. I told her no way! She said she wanted me to talk it over with DH and call her back. So as we waited for the previews to start I told him about it. He said no way. I was sad, but relived at the same time. He said he would rather take out an infertility loan. I called her to tell her our decision. She said, "Well tell him he better hurry up or I am just going to take out the money anyway."

Now the more time I have had to think about it, the more I want to do it. We are about 5-6 months away from having all our money saved. That is IF we do everything right. This way we could do it now and just pay my mom with the money we were going to save. My mom will not hold anything over our heads, she is wonderful. She just desperately wants grandchildren, and she knows how much we want to be parents. My brother and his wife have a 1 year old daughter who my mother adores, but my sister-in-law is not the kindest person. Plus they live in Utah and we get to see them maybe once a year. So to her it is not "real", for lack of a better word.

What should we do??

Big thank you

Thank you ladies who offered up your opinion on the subject. No decision has been made as of yet. I will keep you posted. I think we will go with Option #3 in Reno. How did you girls come to find your RE?

Advice: Update

I didn't post the SART clinic links before, but here they are now.

Option #1

Option #2

Option #3

Please tell me what you think...

Advice needed

We are fortunate to be in a location that has quite a few RE's within a 2 hour drive. The closest is 65 miles away. The hard part is selecting the RE that is right for us.

Option #1: The one we had our first consult with Dr. Know-it-all, is the closest and we have family that reside in the this location. So when I am having daily bw/us I can rely on someone to be with me and a place to crash so I don't have to travel back and forth daily if I would prefer not to make the trip. Problem I he is not my favorite and doe not have super good stats according to the SART report. [2007 report: <35 - 17 cycles - 5 live births]

Option #2: The RE clinic that is 1.5 hours away in the Bay Area. They are a large clinic and have descent stats on the SART report. On the bulletin board I belong to lots of women recommended them. They are expensive, but are offering a 25% discount for IVF. [2007 report: <35 - 62 cycles - 32% live birth]

Option #3: The RE that is 3 hours away. I know no one in this town and am not quite sure how all the logistics would work out. I fell drawn to this clinic for some reason. His clinic is fairly priced and has a very kind staff. I have a close friend that cycled there and ended up with triplets from her first cycle 5 years ago, we both have severe MFI. He has 100% success with MFI diagnosis for 2007. Now he did only do 8 total cycles of <35 age group.

So my fellow bloggers I need your help!! I'm not sure which RE to choose from. I am so confused. What would you do??

Bad blogger I know

Sorry I have been MIA for a bit. We moved into our new home last Saturday and to say we have been busy is an understatement! Plus, I wanted to have everything painted before we moved in. And painting in June in the California heat is not fun. I don't know what I was thinking!! Now it feels good to have the downstairs done, and I am grateful I did it. We also had our new couch delivered! Oh how I love it. Here is a quick glimpse...

The nice thing is every section is separate, so it can be as big or small as you want. Ours is larger than what they have pictured here. We have gone a few months without a couch. (I got really tired of our old one, so one day I just stuck it out on our front lawn with a sign. It was gone within an hour. Our small Ikea loveseat was all we were left with.) When we had our offer accepted on the new home I told DH the first thing we were going to do is buy a new couch. We looked for a few weeks and finally found this one. Now we can have guests over again!

Why wouldn't she be??

Well C is pregnant. Why wouldn't she be? When she called to tell me today she was more sensitive and didn't complain as much, which I was grateful for. She did tell me that she would let me know what it is like to have multiples since this baby and her youngest will only be 15 months apart. HA! Like 15 months apart is the same as having twins. But that's ok. I just told her how lucky I thought she was and she agreed.

I am not upset by her news. I feel genuinely happy for her. It will be fun to have a baby around to love and hold that I can pass back when I am done. She is so gracious with letting me hold her little one now and I adore that little girl. And I know that the Lord has a time for us. And it will come. Things have been so crazy around here with DH new job and moving into our new house. I am so grateful we had to postpone IVF for a bit. I cannot imagine trying to cycle or being newly pregnant. Hopefully things will calm down a bit after the big move on Saturday and we will be able to relax. Here's to a wonderful July!

When things go wrong

I have often found myself, like may fellow IFers, hating the sight of pregnant women. How I long to rub my own baby bump and dream of the future. But just because they are pregnant doesn't mean everything is fine. I read a post today from Conceive This... titled So Sorry For Your Loss. It broke my heart but also made me so grateful I have not had to experience a loss like that.

Three years ago my younger sister and her then husband found out they were pregnant. They had been trying for 18 months, just a few months less than us, and she was so excited. I remember crying all afternoon. "They don't even have a good relationship. Why would the Lord bless them with a baby and not us?" I remember telling DH. I couldn't talk to her for weeks. I was so grateful we didn't live in the same town so I didn't have to see her everyday. He pregnancy was perfect. She wasn't sick, she felt good, life was great. She went in on a Monday for her 25 week ultrasound to learn the sex of the baby... there was no heartbeat... I called her that morning to see what the results were. She answered in hysterics and gave me the news. I left work and drove the hour south to be with her. I was there most of the week and went to the hospital with her for her c-section that Friday. When it was all over with they brought in her little guy so she could see him for a bit. He was perfect. They never did find out what went wrong with the pregnancy. Her baby boy did not have a liver, but the doctors couldn't tell her why.

At the moment she called me to tell me she was pregnant I would have given anything to switch places with her. And by the end I was so grateful I didn't have to go through all of that. She and her husband divorced last year after 5 years together and now she feels like it was a blessing they didn't have any children together, but it doesn't make her loos any less painful. It doesn't make her miss what would have been. We all have our trials and none of us know what the whole story is. I pray that the next time I see a baby bump I will be able to think about this instead of envy to be in that woman's shoes.

Oh to be so blessed...

On Friday night DH left to go up north for our nephew's graduation. I decided to stay home to help a friend host a little get together at her house. After enjoying good food and company the women decided to take a walk. A C And I walked with their kids around the neighborhood. (A and C live a block from each other.) At the end C invited us in to check out her new paint colors. Then she was describing how she was going to hang pictures of her kids up the stairway. I jokingly asked if she was going to leave space for another picture just in case. (She has three beautiful girls, the youngest is 5 1/2 months.) She looked at A and said well we may have to. They both giggled. I felt my heart sink. C then said how her hubby was home last weekend and they had a little whoops moment. And she was ovulating. So if she is crying in two weeks we know why. "Crying??" I asked not quite understanding. "Well that means my last two would only be 15 months apart! It would be awful," she said. I know she wasn't trying to hurt my feelings, but she did. She proceeded to say how excited her hubby is at the prospect of another on the way.

I couldn't get out of there fast enough. I could feel my face still in shock and burning with jealousy. Oh to just fall pregnant. How would that be? I see C all the time, how do I not constantly replay that conversation over and over in my head. I told DH about it on Saturday when he returned and he tried to tell me everyone has different trials and for C having another baby right now is a hard thing. Dang him for being so wonderful! I know that... it's just did she have to say that to ME!?! Oh how I use to pray for a whoops, even when I was on BCP. Nope, not even a little bit. I wish I could switch places with her.

Fun Fact Friday

Since I am new I thought I would give all my fellow bloggers a few random facts about me that do not relate to infertility. (Since I am not just a barren woman.)

1. I truly believe everything happens for a reason.

2. I still run and jump into bed sometimes when it is dark and my husband isn’t home. (I guess to avoid monsters.)

3. I am an avid researcher. I had a co-worker who loved to ask me questions because I know so many random things, and she knew if I didn’t know the answer I would find it. I just like to know things.

4. I am the oldest of six children.

5. I am Mormon and very active in my church. (Which explains the 5 younger siblings)

6. I love water. I drink it by choice.

7. I prefer to drive barefoot.

8. I am only 5’2” but I say, “I am 5’4”, on good days.”

9. I love to write. I am not saying I am good at, I just really enjoy putting my thoughts down on paper.

10. Baking is my all time favorite thing to do. I love to get lost in a new recipe.

11. I am a small person. Not just in height or weight, just in general. My 9 year old sister calls me a midget. All of my siblings are taller than me, except the 9 year old, by at least 5-6 inches. My one and only brother is 6’3” and once weighed in at 270 lbs. (He now weighs close to 170) People still cannot believe we have the same mother and father.

12. My DH and I still act like newlyweds. We celebrated 6 years in May and just love to be with one another. I really lucked out in the marriage department.

13. My favorite TV show is The Office.

14. I will try any kind of food once.

15. I love to wear black.

16. I am a morning person. I just love the rush and energy of a new day.

17. I think it is fun to quote random movies.

18. I am a really feisty little person.

19. I love sushi.

20. I love modern design.

21. I do not have a green thumb. I have killed every pant I have ever owned.
22. I love getting stuff in the mail. Even if I know it is coming. It is like Christmas in July!

23. I love to dance. Even when there is no music. I have a song always running in my head.

24. I can memorize things really quickly, which really came in handy when I was in school.

Our Story

My wonderful husband and I met in May of 2002. We were introduced by a mutual friend at a church party for young single adults. We started dating in June and were engaged Christmas Eve of that year. I for one knew I was going to marry DH from very early on. One of the many things I was attracted to was his love for children. He had 7 nieces and nephews when we wed and all of them adored DH. We were married and decided to wait to have children until DH was done with his degree. A year later we had a “woopsie” moment, and I was sure I was preggo. I had been off bcp since January of 2004 and never missed a period. AF was 7 days late. When she came I was relived, but at that moment knew mother was the next title I wanted to add to my life. We waited until October of that year and started really trying. In January I had a 50 day cycle! I went in to see my OBGYN on day 42 and insisted she do a blood test to be sure I wasn’t pregnant. From then on I watched as friend after friend started their family. I switched OB’s in June and my ne OB ran some test and put me on Clomid. I did three cycles all with BFN at the end. DH was sure he was the reason we couldn’t get that illusive BFP. I talked to my OB who told me it “only takes one” sperm. HA! I had an HSG done, tubes were clear, laparoscopy, stage 1 endo, but nothing to be worried about. We decided to take a break and “just relax” since that is how my sister’s, best friend’s, sister got pregnant after 18 months of trying and was no pregnant with her 3rd. DH graduated in December 2005 we moved and he finally got medical insurance through work. So we decided to finally get him tested. In August of 2006 we learned that we had severe MF IF. DH had 1 million little swimmers and less than 10% motility. Eek! I went in for my annual with my then beloved OB and told him what the Urologist said. “Really it only takes one little guy,” was his reply. We went back to the urologist who wanted to do a vericocele repair to see if that would help. No such luck. IVF would be our only option. We have been saving and waiting since then. Unfortunately out here in CA infertility is rarely covered by insurance. We finally set up a consult with an RE an hour away in January 2009. He ran a few tests and I was given the all clear, great hormone levels excellent egg reserve, all the things you want to hear. DH’s counts on the other hand were lower than ever, so low the lab didn’t number his swimmers. Our RE said IVF with ICSI was our only option. We decided to move ahead with the March cycle. Our 1st appointment was February 17th to get our schedule and payment terms all lined out. DH was laid off February 13th. I was devastated. He hated his job, so it was a blessing, but there went our March cycle. He finally just a job offer last week and starts June 15th. We hope to start cycling in October or November this year, but now are not sure the RE we originally met with is who we want to be treated by. Oh what a pickle.

Welcome

I have created this blog in hopes to let out some of the emotions I feel about being infertile in a fertile world. It is not always easy and brings so much heartache and pain. I need a place where I can connect with other women who understand what I am going through and one that is anonymous so that I can do this without being judged. So here I am. Ready to become a mom.