Freak out session

It all started Saturday night when we were on our way home from a fun filled weekend with our family. DH was talking about the bonus he was hoping to get in December. He has been working really hard at his new job and doing very well. He made the comment, “I will keep it all for myself.” Um, no, our marriage has never been this way. We do live the yours-is-mine principle, so I knew he was somewhat joking about keeping it for himself. I said, “Oh, I thought you would be adding it to our IVF fund.” I guess that was not what he had in mind. He went on to tell me that he doesn’t think we will ever get to the point were we can stick $10-15K into treatment. He doesn’t see how we could ever save that kind of money. Life just happens and we need to save “x” amount before we can even think about doing this. And basically how he still needs to be able to have fun with some money before we do all of that. (Hello, what has been going on the last 5 years!?!?) All I heard was, “it’s never going to happen, I’m not ready, your dream is not mine.” I cried and was silent for a long time. We discussed some more, which was going nowhere, and decided to sleep on it.

Sunday I was so sad I couldn’t go to church. I called a friend to teach my class and stayed in bed most of the day. I didn’t eat anything. I was just too upset. He apologized and tried to explain what he meant. Obviously what was said and what I heard were two different things. I felt like few things were resolved and we left it at, yes we would do treatment... but who knows when.

Monday I came to work and decided I was just going to move on. I had to find another “thing” to take up my time. I was still devastated, but like I said in my first post, I would not force him into this. I needed him to be on board 100%. And as hard as it was to accept, I love him more than my desire to have children. So last night he couldn’t really get why I was still depressed. I told him how I felt and what I thought he was saying. Turns out I was still getting it wrong. We are still going to shoot for December, but that looks like a long shot given that we are still a considerable amount away from our goal. He wants to be sure we still have money left over in our savings when our first cycle is over. I can understand that. Our plan is for me to stay home after our miracle comes, so somehow in his mind that translates into me getting pregnant and stopping work all in one day, which will NOT be the case. So to appease him we will have a cushion before we start treatment.

Please tell me I am not the only one with a DH who freaks out a bit about the financial aspect of IVF. Have any of your husbands freaked out? I know he wants to be a parent, but for him it would be so much easier if it just happened. (Which he has admitted he still thinks it will. Hello! We have severe MFI! Obviously he needs to listen a bit more at our RE appointments.) Our RE even asked if we wanted to use donor sperm for our IVF. My reply, “thank you, but no. If we were going to go that route I could just use an OPT and inseminate myself! Thank you very much.” I want to at least try to have my husband’s child. I mean we haven’t even had one cycle yet, why would he put that out there so early?? He isn’t sterile. Ok, getting off track. My point in all of this is I feel like I am the only infertile lady who has a DH who still freaks out about doing IVF, even after 5 yrs of trying and several MD’s who have told us we will never get pregnant on our own. I really thought we were past this stuff. I really thought we were on the same page. I think we are, it’s just getting the money to do it and helping him feel comfortable with writing that check.

*Sorry to any of you who may have read my venting session yesterday. I just needed to put it out there, and after I did, I realized I was being dramatic and needed to hold off until all sides were considered.
**Also, I am not opposed to using donor sperm if it comes to that. I was just using our RE’s comment as a bench mark for where our MFI is. I hope I did not offend anyone.