Getting thick

My lining is getting nice and thick. I guess these hormones are really doing their job. Yesterday my lining was at 7 cm already. (I need to be between 8-10) I was excited and thought they would want me back on Wednesday to do another measurement. No such luck. They want me back on Thursday to check again. I went home and told my mom what happened and she asked why it only took 4 days (since the day my cycle stopped) to grow 7 cm and now they want me back in 3 days. Won't I be too tick by then?? I didn't even think to ask the nurse. So I placed a call in today to have her call me. I'm sure they know what they are doing. I am just worried because I have been so afflicted this time with side effects, and I don't want to do this over again simply because my lining got too thick.*

I have felt a tiny bit better yesterday and today. I still would like to put life on hold for a bit to just let my body adjust to all of this. I am so tried and could really use a break. Luckily the weather is cooling off a bit here and will be in the low 90's to high 80's. I can handle that a lot better than the 100's.



*I had asked my RE during my WTF appt for last cycle if we could postpone the transfer a day if it was going to be on a Monday since DH has a really hard time taking Monday's off. He told me we could but that it could adversely affect the outcome of the cycle because they transfer when my lining is best and letting it go one more day could be too much. So to me it doesn't make sense that I only have 1-2 cm to go and I have 3 days to wait.

Side effects

Side effects, side effects, I love you! I looked back through my posts to see how I did with our last FET. Turns out I was lucky in that I had no side effects from the meds. This time is not the same. Not only am I ultra emotional, see post below, I also am super tired, anxious, nauseated, lethargic at times and just feel yucky overall. Anyone else experience any of this while doing a FET? I am not even growing eggs for heavens sake! I called the nurse and she said everything was totally normal and my body was just adjusting to the estrogen pills. Well hurry up already! Maybe last time my body was a little more use to it because I had just gone through our IVF cycle where my E2 was over 7000 the day of retrieval. So it was like "shoot E2 rising, no problem. Been there done that."

This cycle is kicking my butt, and I don't like it one bit. I even told DH I don't think I could do it again. My body just hates me too much. I know that in the end it will be worth it when I hold that precious little baby in my arms, but when you have failed before it makes the end goal seem so far off. Truth be told I would do this 10x if I knew in the end it would result in a real live human baby, but there are no guarantees. Sure the statistics are on our side, but you never know which side of the statistic you will fall in.

Ok, ok, I am done being negative now. I know I will do it again if we still have embryos left, which is highly likely. On a good note my boss has been AMAZING! I have been working from home on afternoons when I have felt really crappy. Which is nice since I have no sick time left. He has told me to just take care of myself and be sure to get the rest I need. I am so grateful. DH has also been wonderful, as usual, and has been taking very good care of me. I am so thankful to have such a great partner to go through all of this with. I know I couldn't do it alone.

Insanity

Yep, I am living in a state of constant insanity. I cry like a baby at the drop of a hat. This hormone stuff sucks. My appt yesterday went well. E2 was at 58, I was a little nervous, but everything looked amazing. Apparently my RE was a little worried about how quickly my uterus responded last time because this time he wants to see me in a week. So I will go in for another scan on Monday. I am guessing my transfer will still be early the week of August 2nd.

Oh and surprise, I don't have to pay the $750 RE fee this cycle. I was a little shocked. When I asked the front desk lady why she asked if I had just done a fresh cycle, I said no, then she asked if I was doing consecutive cycles, why yes I am, then there is no charge she said. Say what?!? Ok, I'll take it. So I ran out the door as fast as I could before she changed her mind. I will still have to pay the $350 hospital fee, but that is no big deal.

So my SIL is pregnant, my brother's wife. Best part is I found out via FB. Nice. My brother texted us all about 2 hrs later to inform us baby #2 was on the way, little late bro. This is the same SIL who stole my baby name.* (And will be taking our other girl name if #2 is a girl or our boy name if it is a boy. Yep she is fun.) I guess I am a little upset about it because I swear she is just trying to get pregnant before me. She was trying to be all up in my business during IVF #1 and FET #1, but never really showed any interest after they failed. My sweet niece just turned 2 and SIL has been wanting another since my niece was 7 months. But, they live with her parents, and older sister, and my brother is still in school. So my brother has been able to hold it off until now. I guess her persuasive powers won the war. Really, I am happy to have another baby on my side on the way, since my bother and I are the only two married. I just wish it was me...

I hope I can get my emotions more under control. Luckily DH is amazing and has put up with all the insanity I throw his way. Poor guy. I don't really feel excited or nervous about this cycle just yet. It is like I am on autopilot just going through the motions. I did remember to ask the nurse for Valium for this transfer. No problem. I want to be as relaxed as one can possibly be with my bottom in the air for the whole world to see. I am really looking forward to that.

*Conversation with SIL while she is 8 months preggo with my niece...

ME: So do you have a name?

SIL: Well we like Rea.gan

ME: Please don't use Rea.gan I have loved that name forever and was planning on using it for our first little girl. Oh well, if you use it I can use Ken.nady. I like that name too.

SIL: Oh Ken.nady is going to be our second little girl's name

Mind you I had mentioned the name Re.agan several times before at family things saying that would be our first little girl's name. It's ok, my niece is darling and the name fits her well. It just makes me sad that she is so evil. I guess we will have to come up with new names.

Game of Life

We bought the retro version of the game Life a few weeks back. I loved this game as a child. It was so much fun to go to college, get a job, get married, make money, and have kids. Now DH and I have been playing it about once a week when he needs a break from studying. I am embarrassed to admit I am obsessed with hitting the kid squares. Like if I have twin boys in the game maybe that will come true in real life. I don't even care about what occupation I have or how much money I win, all I want to see is, "A daughter is born. Collect presents." I will admit, last night I even cheated. I had passed most of the "kid squares" and spun a 3. I noticed that if I only went 2 I would have a son. Luckily DH was not paying attention and I counted 3 and went 2. I was so excited to finally have that little blue peg in the back of my blue plastic car. As if the little blue son was to say that now this "life" I was pretending to have was valid. As if I was going to have children in real life because the game, that I had now cheated at, said so. Like maybe this transfer would be the one. I feel totally ridiculous to admit that a child's game could lead me to believe such things. I am not a superstitious person, I do not believe in horoscopes or fortune tellers, so why does this silly game have such a hold on me. I even secretly hope DH will land on the squares, like maybe we can add all our kids together at the end to boost our chances. (Which, by the way, he had 5 kids last night! He didn't have enough room for all the pegs in his car and one son had to lay down in the middle.)

When we play and I have kids later in the game or not at all I look at my little blue and pink peg and feel pity for them. "They must be infertile," I think. I hope and pray that their luck will change, that I will spin the right number so I can add pegs to the back seat. After all, they are driving a 6 passenger car and what a lonely car that is when it is empty. Like our family car is and our 4 bedroom home.

I know, it's crazy, but every time I land on one of those squares my heart skips a beat and is filled with hope.

Trip

I survived the IL's!! Even a very pg SIL. I am pretty proud of myself. I participated in all the fun activities and even baby/pregnancy talk. (Since that was about all the women talked about.) SIL was much better then I thought she would be. She didn't complain once and was taking every precaution to make sure she was being healthy and safe. (She even gave away a full pack of gum when she realized it had Aspartame in it.) She looks amazing and all I could do is hope that very soon I will be in her shoes.

So I only have 11 total pics from the trip. We went kayaking on Monday and my camera took an unexpected plunge in the ocean along with my entire body. Scariest moment of my life. I was pretty sure I was going to die as the waves threw my body, the ore and kayak like rag dolls. I was also right next to a very large reef. Thank goodness everything turned out ok, well except for the dead camera.

It was really hard to come back to work on Tuesday. Both DH and I survived and are looking forward to this weekend. I start Lupron on Saturday. My next appt is the 19th. Looking forward to stating it all again.

We're back

I survived. The beach was beautiful and we had a lot of fun. There are lots of finteresting stories to tell, but I have so much to do. I will have to update more tomorrow. Let me just say my pregnant SIL was wonderful. Yes, most talk turned to pregnancy and babies, but I was ok. We will be there someday too.

I know so much has gone on in the past week. I want to send out my deepest love to Rebecca and her husband Nick who lost her little girl Lillian at almost 23 weeks due to premature labor. Please stop by and read about her sweet little girl and offer your support. It is such a devastating loss.

Bye for now...

We are off to the beach to relax and enjoy our family. (That is if MIL doesn't drive me crazy.) Wish me luck as we will be in the same house as my very pregnant SIL who never wanted kids and finds her pregnancy to be much of a nuisance. (She read online that your fertility decreases after age 30, so before she turned 31 they decided to try and, big surprise, it worked.) I have a load of good books and lots of sunscreen. Until next week...

Protocol

I just called the RE's office and got my protocol for our upcoming cycle. This is what I know so far...

Start Lupron 10 unit - 7/10
Stop bcp - 7/16
First u/s - 7/19

I am grateful I don't have to worry about injections until after we get back from vaca. We are moving right along.

And so it begins...

FET #2 is underway. I started bcp on Tuesday. (AF finally showed up on cd39, Sunday) I saw my RE on Monday. The waiting room was totally packed! It was awful. There was a lady whose phone kept going off every 2 mins. There was a lady with her husband and 4 yr old son. (I’m not a huge fan of kids in an RE office, sorry.) Then there was the super skinny lady pulling receipts out of her wallet and balancing her checkbook. And not just a few. Like 30+. When I finally got called back I told rude coordinator that my bp may be high because of the waiting room, “Well it’s Monday morning. What did you expect?!?” I wanted to knock her upside the head. Then after she takes my bp I ask her what it was. No answer. She turns around about a min later and says, “Did you ask me something?” Yes rude lady, I would like to know what my bp was!

The RE comes in a few min later and answers my questions. Apparently they do grade the embryos and give out pictures if you ask for them. Don’t know why any woman wouldn’t want that kind of info. So I asked him about our last transfer and he said one was an A and the other was like an F. Ok, good to know.

Also they freeze the embryos in sets of 3, so they will only take 3 out to thaw at a time. It looks like they will transfer back all 3 if they thaw properly. I was a little nervous about that, but they won’t re-freeze any. So I would rather them be in me if they have any chance. So that could potentially give us 3 more tries at a FET. He did say if they thaw out one set and none survive they quickly thaw another. I would hate to go through the prep and have nothing to transfer. My transfer should happen the week of August 2nd. Oh and he didn’t even give me my schedule. They were so busy he said he would have rude coordinator call me in a few days to get it all set up. After all, I am an “old pro at this now”. (His words)

Mostly I am feeling optimistic about this cycle. I feel like since these are day 1 embies they are more like fresh ones. (At least that is what the RE has told me.) I have been sick the last few days, so I haven’t really had the chance to let it sink in that we are back in the saddle. Truthfully, I wouldn’t want it any other way. Waiting to cycle is hard. I am not one of those girls who just relaxes and enjoys the time off. It is always on my mind. I think I am finding more peace in this cycle now that I have been through it already. Last time I was so scared and didn’t even know what to ask, embryo grade, pics, etc. Now I do kind of feel like an “old pro”. I know not to drink as much water. I am also going to ask about Valium before the transfer. That seems to be pretty normal thing to be given to help the uterus relax. Any opinions on this? Plus last time I was so tense, my RE asked me to relax my bottom. I’m sure it was not the most welcoming environment for our embies.

Looking back I am glad things turned out the way they did. I would love to be pregnant right now, but it wasn’t meant to be. Now I can go into this transfer calm and ready. I just feel so blessed we have 9 more tries. 9 more little ones that could possibly be our baby!

No I haven't

POAS that is. I really don't see how with our MFI I could be with child on my own. Certainly I will not doubt God's power and ability to make that happen, miracles do happen. But for us I feel like when we get pregnant with IVF/ICSI that will be OUR miracle. Sometimes medical intervention is the miracle. (And being born in a time when it is available, and being able to afford it.) I only have one stick left. I have considered using it, but that thought leaves me pretty quickly. I guess some of it has to do with the failed cycle. I had at least one perfect little embie on board and not even it resulted in a line on the stick. I figure if I haven't started by Monday I will have the RE's office do one. Well maybe. If they think it is warranted.

I wish I was charting like Sarah had mentioned. I haven't done that since... oh who knows, the beginning. I'm sure miss AF is just lying it wait. She is a tricky little devil.

PS I have no symptoms either way. I just feel normal.

Lost??

My AF seems to be lost! Today is cd 35 and I am pretty regular with 31 day cycles. I am guessing this has something to do with all the drugs and hormones I have been pumping into my body the last few months. Has your cycle been longer after a failed IVF or FET??

I did schedule my next appt with my RE on Monday, so I will be asking him if she hasn't come to visit by then. (cd 40) The only other time I have been this late is right before our IVF in February. And that was stress related. I know I have been stressed lately but come on! Hopefully she comes soon.

I received my letter from the office stating bcp need to be started on cd3 for the cycle starting after June 7th. So I will be starting those pretty soon. Transfers will be taking place between August 2-13. Man that seems so close! Didn't we just do this?! I am starting to get a little excited!

I know, I know

I have been missing. The last week has been hell! (to put it lightly) My step-dad had a hear.t atta.ck last Tuesday, 5/25. He is ok and came home yesterday. We were all really worried and scared he wouldn't make it. Luckily he did and all is well now. It's a long story, but the Read.er's Di.gest version is: He had a hea.rt att.ack 2 years ago from a freak birth defect artery that he never knew existed. The docs put in a stin.t and a few different meds to control everything. He had his hi.p rep.laced two weeks ago on 5/19 and had to go off all meds, so that he didn't blee.d to de.ath during surg.ery. Refused bl.ood tran.sfusion the next day even though his doc recommended it. (Duh dad, it is 2010 it's safe to get a transfusion!) And a week later he was rushed to the ho.spital via am.bulance and then right to the OR. Crazy week! There was tons of drama far beyond what anyone should deal with, he has in.sane children from his fir.st marriage and they are awf.ul to say the least. Bottom line, he's fine.

I have been really bad and have yet to go back to my RE for my WTF appt. I just have no motivation. It looks like a July transfer is out. Maybe we will shoot for August. After our BFN I have no desire to do that all over again. But every time I see a baby all I want is to have our own. Ironic that the only way I can do that is the thing I am now avoiding like the plague. Plus sweet DH is studying with a new program for the C.PA. He has been out of school since Dec. 2005 and started getting serious about it about a year later. He has yet to pass any of the 4 parts. Lots of time and money spent on heartache. We are hopeful that this new really intense, really expensive program will help him accomplish his goal. How does this relate to IF, he is required to study 30-35 hrs per week from now until November. Did I mention he works 45-50 hrs per week and has a 2 hr commute? So I now feel like I will be going at this next cycle somewhat alone. I thought about postponing all IF related stuff until he is done, but I don't want to. I want to continue, well most days I do.

Still really considering transferring to a new RE if our next FET is a bust. We won't be able to afford another fresh cycle, mostly thanks to above mentioned program, until the beginning of next year. I guess I have plenty of time to mull this over in my brain. I think this is a contributing factor to my reluctance to use our last 9 embies. I know that once that cycle is over we are back to square one. Sigh...

I didn't mean for this post to be all depressing. Life really is going well and I am trying to enjoy DH while he still has free time. (He starts the study program June 7) We are taking our trip in 3 weeks and I am looking forward to a little R&R. Oh and the food! I swear I could eat my way through any city.