Canceled

I went in for my last monitoring appt today at a local US office. SInce a tech was performing the US and not a MD I didn't get to see the screen. She let me see what my ovaries looked like on the screen after she was done, not super helpful. I have been feeling like maybe we should pull the plug on this cycle since Monday and learning I only had 4-7 good follicles. So I've been praying and thinking about it. Today when my RE's office called to tell me my retrieval would be Saturday I told her I need to speak to the RE. He called me back and said I had 3 follicles about 20  and 3 around 17. So maybe 6 eggs total. That wasn't enough for me. I'm 33, I shouldn't have responded so poorly. He said that about 1/2 of my eggs should be normal too, last visit, so then we are looking at 1-3 eggs. UGH! I told him I couldn't continue with the way things were going. He understood. But wants to try again in a few months. I want to find another clinic.

 I feel like the lady who just keeps jumping ship. First with the adoption and now this. But both times I have felt peace about our decision. So that's what I need to go with. This time I just couldn't spend the $6k we were going to drop on anesthesia and the lab fees for 6 possible eggs. Last time we had 21 and 0 babies. I just need more to feel like it will work.

So here we are again. Back to square one... But with each failure we learn. So not all is lost.

Trying to be grateful

Stims Day 8 and today was my first monitoring appt at the office. Let's start with the good news:

1. I am not at risk for OHSS this time around
2. I will not be coasting so I should have better quality eggs
3. We are headed for a fresh transfer once eggs are fertilized!!

Now the not so good news is this protocol seems to make my ovaries lazy. I have felt bloated for DAYS and was sure I was growing a good 20+ eggs. Nope, not even close. He measured a total of 7 follicles. Yep 7.... I was devastated. He said, "you are a reproductive endocrinologists worst nightmare. You either produce way too many eggs or nothing at all." Great. He is confident we should have at least 4 good ones in there and he said 50% at my age should be chromosomally normal. So now we'er down to two. And given my hubby has super crappy sperm maybe just one. I want to cry and throw a tantrum like my 3 year old. He didn't want to cancel. I don't really want to cancel. But am I doing all of this for one (maybe) embryo. If I was guaranteed that embroy would be one healthy baby I would do it without thinking twice. But let's be real for just a second. Last time I had 21 eggs, 17 fertilized, only 5 were good enough to transfer over two FET. And we ended with 0 babies. I know IVF is not a numbers game but the stats sure aren't on our side. Yesterday I was feeling good and was sure this was our time. Today I just want to crawl in bed and cry.

The worst part is this is what I have been praying for. I wanted to not overstimulate and be able to do a fresh transfer. So not only do I feel deflated that there isn't much going on, I feel guilty for feeling that way. UGH!

Next US is Thursday and then we are thinking a retrieval on Saturday. Pray for me...

Stims Day 6

This time around has been very different. I didn't realize I was doing a completely different protocol, I mean I thought I was but wasn't 100% sure. So last time we did the normal Long Lupron Protocol. This time I'm doing an Antagonist Protocol. (Link here to read up on the difference.) I don't feel as sick this time. Last time OHSS set in pretty quick. By Day 4 of stims I was losing my mind. I was anxious and all over the place. This time around I feel pretty normal. I haven't been sleeping well, so I'm overly tired and that makes me a little loopy and grumpy but I don't know that I can blame that on the meds. I have been feeling bloated since stims Day 2. I think I'm just sensitive to any changes going on. (Pregnancy is going to be fun,eh?) I don't feel like I have a ball in my belly but more like I have a golf ball on either side of my uterus. Little Miss has been a great distraction this cycle too. I am not obsessed with what is constantly going on and every little symptom because I have a 3 yr old. I can't be. And not everything is riding on this cycle, like I felt it was last time. I am already a mom. If this doesn't work we will try something else. We are hopeful it will but this doesn't feel like an end all.

I go back in Monday for my first US. I am really hoping I will be close to done. I started Ganirelix today and will only be on that for a few days to prevent my LH surge. I am happy this is almost done. It has gone by so fast this time around. It feels like we just made the decision to do IVF again and now here I am about to have my retrieval. Praying for good eggs and not too many!