Why do I worry?

Seriously, what a waste of time! Yesterday my lining was only at 8.9 cm. The nurse laughed and said see, you are fine. (I called her in a panic on Tuesday, and she was so wonderful and totally calmed my mind. Have I said how much I love her.) So transfer is set for Monday. She actually said I could do it any day that worked for me, but with my boss being out next week, Monday will work best. I got my rx for Valium. YES! I am excited to be relaxed and carefree this time. Last time was so anxiety inducing. Hopefully my bp will be low and even and normal, last time it was so high before the transfer.

How am I feeling? Just kind of like whatever. Not really excited not doubtful, just whatever. I am excited to go in and see how our day 1 embies did. My RE has said they are more like fresh embryos, so they have a better chance at success. I am interested to see how many we have. They are frozen in sets of 3 and he said he would transfer 3 if they all make it. I see that as pretty unlikely, but that would be neat. I am also excited to get a picture of our little ones this time. All in all, I am just pretty ready for it to be over with. I want my embryos in my uterus now!

As far as side effects go, yesterday was a rough day. I was so anxious! I think it was because of the whole lining thing. Today seems to be a lot better thus far. I started my progesterone suppositories and antibiotics today, hoping they won't throw more insanity into the mix.

Getting thick

My lining is getting nice and thick. I guess these hormones are really doing their job. Yesterday my lining was at 7 cm already. (I need to be between 8-10) I was excited and thought they would want me back on Wednesday to do another measurement. No such luck. They want me back on Thursday to check again. I went home and told my mom what happened and she asked why it only took 4 days (since the day my cycle stopped) to grow 7 cm and now they want me back in 3 days. Won't I be too tick by then?? I didn't even think to ask the nurse. So I placed a call in today to have her call me. I'm sure they know what they are doing. I am just worried because I have been so afflicted this time with side effects, and I don't want to do this over again simply because my lining got too thick.*

I have felt a tiny bit better yesterday and today. I still would like to put life on hold for a bit to just let my body adjust to all of this. I am so tried and could really use a break. Luckily the weather is cooling off a bit here and will be in the low 90's to high 80's. I can handle that a lot better than the 100's.



*I had asked my RE during my WTF appt for last cycle if we could postpone the transfer a day if it was going to be on a Monday since DH has a really hard time taking Monday's off. He told me we could but that it could adversely affect the outcome of the cycle because they transfer when my lining is best and letting it go one more day could be too much. So to me it doesn't make sense that I only have 1-2 cm to go and I have 3 days to wait.

Side effects

Side effects, side effects, I love you! I looked back through my posts to see how I did with our last FET. Turns out I was lucky in that I had no side effects from the meds. This time is not the same. Not only am I ultra emotional, see post below, I also am super tired, anxious, nauseated, lethargic at times and just feel yucky overall. Anyone else experience any of this while doing a FET? I am not even growing eggs for heavens sake! I called the nurse and she said everything was totally normal and my body was just adjusting to the estrogen pills. Well hurry up already! Maybe last time my body was a little more use to it because I had just gone through our IVF cycle where my E2 was over 7000 the day of retrieval. So it was like "shoot E2 rising, no problem. Been there done that."

This cycle is kicking my butt, and I don't like it one bit. I even told DH I don't think I could do it again. My body just hates me too much. I know that in the end it will be worth it when I hold that precious little baby in my arms, but when you have failed before it makes the end goal seem so far off. Truth be told I would do this 10x if I knew in the end it would result in a real live human baby, but there are no guarantees. Sure the statistics are on our side, but you never know which side of the statistic you will fall in.

Ok, ok, I am done being negative now. I know I will do it again if we still have embryos left, which is highly likely. On a good note my boss has been AMAZING! I have been working from home on afternoons when I have felt really crappy. Which is nice since I have no sick time left. He has told me to just take care of myself and be sure to get the rest I need. I am so grateful. DH has also been wonderful, as usual, and has been taking very good care of me. I am so thankful to have such a great partner to go through all of this with. I know I couldn't do it alone.

Insanity

Yep, I am living in a state of constant insanity. I cry like a baby at the drop of a hat. This hormone stuff sucks. My appt yesterday went well. E2 was at 58, I was a little nervous, but everything looked amazing. Apparently my RE was a little worried about how quickly my uterus responded last time because this time he wants to see me in a week. So I will go in for another scan on Monday. I am guessing my transfer will still be early the week of August 2nd.

Oh and surprise, I don't have to pay the $750 RE fee this cycle. I was a little shocked. When I asked the front desk lady why she asked if I had just done a fresh cycle, I said no, then she asked if I was doing consecutive cycles, why yes I am, then there is no charge she said. Say what?!? Ok, I'll take it. So I ran out the door as fast as I could before she changed her mind. I will still have to pay the $350 hospital fee, but that is no big deal.

So my SIL is pregnant, my brother's wife. Best part is I found out via FB. Nice. My brother texted us all about 2 hrs later to inform us baby #2 was on the way, little late bro. This is the same SIL who stole my baby name.* (And will be taking our other girl name if #2 is a girl or our boy name if it is a boy. Yep she is fun.) I guess I am a little upset about it because I swear she is just trying to get pregnant before me. She was trying to be all up in my business during IVF #1 and FET #1, but never really showed any interest after they failed. My sweet niece just turned 2 and SIL has been wanting another since my niece was 7 months. But, they live with her parents, and older sister, and my brother is still in school. So my brother has been able to hold it off until now. I guess her persuasive powers won the war. Really, I am happy to have another baby on my side on the way, since my bother and I are the only two married. I just wish it was me...

I hope I can get my emotions more under control. Luckily DH is amazing and has put up with all the insanity I throw his way. Poor guy. I don't really feel excited or nervous about this cycle just yet. It is like I am on autopilot just going through the motions. I did remember to ask the nurse for Valium for this transfer. No problem. I want to be as relaxed as one can possibly be with my bottom in the air for the whole world to see. I am really looking forward to that.

*Conversation with SIL while she is 8 months preggo with my niece...

ME: So do you have a name?

SIL: Well we like Rea.gan

ME: Please don't use Rea.gan I have loved that name forever and was planning on using it for our first little girl. Oh well, if you use it I can use Ken.nady. I like that name too.

SIL: Oh Ken.nady is going to be our second little girl's name

Mind you I had mentioned the name Re.agan several times before at family things saying that would be our first little girl's name. It's ok, my niece is darling and the name fits her well. It just makes me sad that she is so evil. I guess we will have to come up with new names.

Game of Life

We bought the retro version of the game Life a few weeks back. I loved this game as a child. It was so much fun to go to college, get a job, get married, make money, and have kids. Now DH and I have been playing it about once a week when he needs a break from studying. I am embarrassed to admit I am obsessed with hitting the kid squares. Like if I have twin boys in the game maybe that will come true in real life. I don't even care about what occupation I have or how much money I win, all I want to see is, "A daughter is born. Collect presents." I will admit, last night I even cheated. I had passed most of the "kid squares" and spun a 3. I noticed that if I only went 2 I would have a son. Luckily DH was not paying attention and I counted 3 and went 2. I was so excited to finally have that little blue peg in the back of my blue plastic car. As if the little blue son was to say that now this "life" I was pretending to have was valid. As if I was going to have children in real life because the game, that I had now cheated at, said so. Like maybe this transfer would be the one. I feel totally ridiculous to admit that a child's game could lead me to believe such things. I am not a superstitious person, I do not believe in horoscopes or fortune tellers, so why does this silly game have such a hold on me. I even secretly hope DH will land on the squares, like maybe we can add all our kids together at the end to boost our chances. (Which, by the way, he had 5 kids last night! He didn't have enough room for all the pegs in his car and one son had to lay down in the middle.)

When we play and I have kids later in the game or not at all I look at my little blue and pink peg and feel pity for them. "They must be infertile," I think. I hope and pray that their luck will change, that I will spin the right number so I can add pegs to the back seat. After all, they are driving a 6 passenger car and what a lonely car that is when it is empty. Like our family car is and our 4 bedroom home.

I know, it's crazy, but every time I land on one of those squares my heart skips a beat and is filled with hope.

Trip

I survived the IL's!! Even a very pg SIL. I am pretty proud of myself. I participated in all the fun activities and even baby/pregnancy talk. (Since that was about all the women talked about.) SIL was much better then I thought she would be. She didn't complain once and was taking every precaution to make sure she was being healthy and safe. (She even gave away a full pack of gum when she realized it had Aspartame in it.) She looks amazing and all I could do is hope that very soon I will be in her shoes.

So I only have 11 total pics from the trip. We went kayaking on Monday and my camera took an unexpected plunge in the ocean along with my entire body. Scariest moment of my life. I was pretty sure I was going to die as the waves threw my body, the ore and kayak like rag dolls. I was also right next to a very large reef. Thank goodness everything turned out ok, well except for the dead camera.

It was really hard to come back to work on Tuesday. Both DH and I survived and are looking forward to this weekend. I start Lupron on Saturday. My next appt is the 19th. Looking forward to stating it all again.

We're back

I survived. The beach was beautiful and we had a lot of fun. There are lots of finteresting stories to tell, but I have so much to do. I will have to update more tomorrow. Let me just say my pregnant SIL was wonderful. Yes, most talk turned to pregnancy and babies, but I was ok. We will be there someday too.

I know so much has gone on in the past week. I want to send out my deepest love to Rebecca and her husband Nick who lost her little girl Lillian at almost 23 weeks due to premature labor. Please stop by and read about her sweet little girl and offer your support. It is such a devastating loss.