So sad

I just wanted to write a quick post to cry a little. My ex boyfriend from college got married a few months ago. I just found out his wife is pregnant... with TWINS! Seriously, are you kidding me!!! It just made me so sad. She has twin boys from a previous relationship, so he is technically already a dad, but I just wanted to be pregnant before they were. I know it's silly. It just made me want to cry when I saw a friend of mine on FB comment on her photo. Stupid FB! I knew you ladies would be the only ones who would "get it". Man IF sucks.

What dreams may come

I had a dream about a month ago that I gave birth to a daughter. It was such an amazing dream and I was so happy and excited during the whole thing. The only strange thing was we named her Te.ra. And I was in LOVE with the name in my dream. I would introduce her to people and say her name like it was the most amazing name in the entire world. Now, no offense to any Ter.as out there, but it is never a name I have considered for our little girl. So it was strange that in the dream I seemed to be obsessed with the name. Anyway, the dream was amazing and I woke up feeling like I knew we would have a little girl someday. I didn't tell DH about the dream because I didn't see him that morning (he was already at church for meetings) and just kind of forgot to tell him by the time I finally saw him.

Fast forward to 2 weeks ago, I got home from work and my husband had a big smile on his face. He said I had a dream about our daughter last night. I was like, "Um, what?!? You did" He said "Yep. We were at church and you were showing her off to everyone. Only weird thing was she was big and fat but everyone loved her. I had even left you in Sacrament Meeting to run home for a bit and you didn't even care because you had our baby with you." (Side note, I don't like being left in my pew at church alone. It is just... well lonely. So that is why that was interesting to him.) "You were so happy. You were glowing! You didn't even care that I was there. You were just staring at our baby. It was the coolest dream ever!" This is the first dream DH has ever had about our children.

I felt blessed that they happened so close to one another and we could share in the joy and knowledge we do have a daughter that is waiting to come to our family. I don't know when or even how she is going to get here, but I have faith that the Lord does and He has a plan. It was just a little reminder that we need to not give up. Our children are waiting for us. I hope they know how wanted and loved they already are.

Not our month

So no miracle baby this month. It was a lot harder this time when AF came than it was last month. Not because I thought I had a better chance of it working this month, I think it was just one of those months. I think we all have those kinds of cycles. The ones where we literally feel like we can't stand to go one more day without having a baby or the possibility of one. I was so consumed with grief I cried quite a bit the last few days. I am just over not being able to do what so many women can. I am over my husband not being able to do what so many men can. I am done with all this IF crap! I just want off this ride!! Unfortunately, I am not the one who gets to choose when this roller coaster ends or even how it will end. So I am taking it one day at a time and counting my many blessings... even if the one blessing I desire most is being withheld.

Cup Time... again...

Last month I POAS, OPK that is, using first morning urine (FMU) and got a positive 3 days in a row. This month I tried doing it throughout the day to see what the result would be. I have been POAS for the last 3 days, O is expected in the next day or two. I tested positive this morning around 8 am, then a little lighter at 10 am, and for sure negative at 7 pm. I told DH I thought it was "Cup Time" again. So here I sit with my hopes that these little swimmers will do their duty and find the golden egg.

I was asked how I used my OPK tests. Well last month, like I said I only used FMU and got a positive result 3 days in a row. I thought that maybe my LH was too concentrated in FMU and decided to not use that method this month. I have just been testing at random times during the day. (But not after having too much fluid intake as the test said this can dilute the hormones.) I was hoping to test every 12 or so hrs, but that hasn't really worked for me.

My one concern is I have been trying to keep an eye on my CM to catch that super fertile EWCM and have yet to see it. Not sure what that means exactly. I have had months were I have had an abundance of EWCM and wish we were using this method back then. Oh well.

I have also decided this month to not do back to back days of "Cup Time". Given that our factor is MF I think DH's swimmers need a little break. We will try again Saturday to see if that makes any difference at all.

Please feel free to ask me any questions you have. If you would prefer to email them to me, click here.

Not this time

I really didn't think I would get pregnant the first month of trying our "new method", so when AF showed up on Wednesday I wasn't surprised. The good news is that means I ovulated when my OPT was positive, so I guess I kind of did it right. I think this month around my ovulation time I will test every 10 or so hours to see if I can catch it and just have one positive reading. (I won't use my first morning urine again.) I decided against buying the Clea.r Bl.ue fertility monitor, since I was able to detect ovulation with just the regular OPT. I may change my mind if I can find one for cheap on eb.ay or something like that.

I was right in that failing with the method really didn't upset me at all. I didn't shed one tear or feel any grief. I know for us it is such a long-shot, so it now working is no surprise. But it does give me something to feel like we are at least making some kind of effort. Which is healing for the soul.

I was asked if we had considered using donor sperm with this new method. DH is fine with that idea, mainly because it would be a whole lot cheaper than IVF, but I am not. I just feel its too complicated for me. Too many "what it's" roll around in my mind about the future for me to go down that path right now. I am so happy for the women and their husbands that have conceived their children via this method! (and there are many of you!)

So now we try again and hope for a different outcome next time.

Something new...

Well I gave up on making babies the "old-fashioned" way about 5 years ago when we learned about DH's diagnosis... that was until I took a cake decorating class from a lady that said her daughter and her husband had our same issue and she tried a new method (at home) and got pregnant on her very first try! Now, my fellow IF sisters, I know there is a very good chance that this "method" won't work for us. This couple was able to do IUI, I believe, where we had to skip that step since DH's numbers were so low. But I feel a little twinge of hope again. I will be sad if it doesn't work, but since I really think it would be beyond a miracle if it did, I don't think it will set me into a tailspin like our BFN's after our FET's did. After all, this method costs all of $25 for 2 months worth of trying, were we sunk $15k+ into IVF and FET's.

So what is this new method you ask?? I'm sure many of you have seen the "cups" you can insert while on your period. They are called In.stead Sof.tcups. I have seen them many times and always wondered who would buy these things. Well now I can add myself to the list. Basically what you do is put your husbands swimmers in the cup and insert it for 24 hrs around ovulation time. Yes, it says you can only wear it for 12 hrs, but that is when you are menstruating. The cups only cost me $10 for 14 cups and I used 3 this cycle. I also purchased OPK's so I could be sure of my LH surge. (more on this later) The lady said her daughter did this and is expecting a baby boy in 3 months. Maybe it won't work for, but since we aren't going to pursue any kind of treatment for a bit I need to feel like I am doing something. Siting around doing nothing is much worse than a BFN from a cheap endeavor. 

A little side note, I haven't used OPK's in YEARS, so I may not be doing it right, but I got a positive result 3 mornings in a row. Is that normal? I used the cup all three days to be safe, but I wasn't sure what was going on. My pack I got said to use your first morning urine, I didn't do that since I get up a few times a night to pee, but I did use the restroom as soon as I got up to start the day and tested then. I'm wondering if maybe the hormone was too concentrated at this time. Ladies weigh in. I would love to buy a Cle.ar Bl.ue Ea.sy Fertili.ty Monitor to use, but not sure if I will. That way I would really know what was going on with all my crazy hormones.

It is fun to have some hope again without injecting my body with 10 different hormones a day!

Did I mention...

...our surrogate is pregnant?? No, not with our baby with her own. I am excited and torn all at the same time. This is great news for her and her husband. (Although most people can get pregnant, so not a really huge feat.) She called me a few weeks back and said they had a "whoops" moment and now she thought she might be pregnant. So, I did see this coming. They did want to have another baby and her hubby did say he didn't want to wait for us to be ready to pursue treatment. So again, I am not surprised... so why did it hurt so much when she told me?

I guess it is just a reminder of my constant lack of being able to conceive. It feels like a kick in the gut when someone says, "I'm pregnant." And then I love how they wait and watch your reaction very closely. I feel like those moments sometimes go in slow motion. Like there are millions of seconds in between the time the words escape their lips and the time you smile and say congratulations. It is probably a blessing because I can tell myself in those million seconds, smile, it's ok, tell her congrats, give her a hug, and above all don't cry! Then you have to listen to them babble about due dates and gender guesses and how excited they are. Pure torture. My heart was being ripped from my chest and all I could do was smile and listen. Like the good infertile I am.

We have some other news happening around here that may push back treatment for a least 18 months, so really I should be totally fine with all of this. (I will have to post about that later.) Plus, we were really looking at doing FET and surrogacy since IVF with surrogacy is like way out of our budget. So my hope was that our next cycle would end with me carrying our baby. So once again, I really should be fine with all of this... but I'm not. And it hurts.

Step 2 and 3 for IVF #2... check

I went in to get my bw done Wednesday. I knew the RE wanted a lot of tests run but holy cow! I walked back to find a large line of vials set out on the table.12 vials later I hope they have all the info they need to start the process again. I had my regular MD order them so I can go in and request a copy in a week.

Step 3 was requesting a copy of my chart from Clinic from Hell for my records. I had been putting it off becuase I just didn't want to talk to them again. I finally just told myself I needed to get it over with, so I called. The girl was super nice and told my RE just had to sign off on the release. I told her we would be in that city Monday and would like to stop by and pick them up then. (This Was Tues this week) She said it usually takes a week but she would get back to me. I got a call at 6 pm that night saying they were ready to go! So I will stop by Monday morning to grab them. I am excited to see them. Plus it will be a million times easier to set up consults when I already have my records. No more waiting for them to send them over.

I think I had a very productive week. We are headed to the beach with DH's family next week and I plan to relax and not stress about anything IF related. This year I won't have a pg SIL so it will be easier. Although her 10 month old is a pretty good reminder of my lack of ability to procreate. Here's to hoping it is better than last year!

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Step 1 to IVF #2.... check

HrI went in on Friday for my annual app. Got the good old P.ap out of the way and had her order all the blood work new RE asked to have done. (Even Though we arent 100% sure we will be going to this RE the tests are pretty standard and will help any RE we decide to go to.)

It felt good to finally be doing something to get this show on the road. It is so hard in the waiting stages of this journey. I think we all just want to be moving forward, and this was a big step. I had scheduled this appt 2 months ago and knew we couldn't do another consult with another RE until we had some of the bw done.

Good old AF showed up today so bw will be done tomorrow or Thursday. Then my MD said I can go in and get a copy of the results in a week or 2. Praying for no hiccups as we start the road to baby once again.

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Every Little Miracle

Most of the time when a baby related commercial comes on I change the channel. (Actually this is true of pretty much all commercials) But have you ladies seen the latest Pam.pers commercial. It literally made me cry. I tried to add the video to my blog, but blogger is being lame and won't upload it. Please click to watch it. May want to grab a tissue before hand, just a warning.

Clearing my head

I was so upset yesterday about everything yesterday. DH suggested I take some time and clear my head. If only I could take the part of my brain that is constantly thinking about IF and push the mute button.

I tried to take a step back today and realize that yes, sending out the info on the discounted cycle was wrong, but pushing me toward the other two cycles is really in my best interest. I think I am so over sensitive right now about all of this crap. DH said last night that he really thought the refund program was the best idea because he isn't 100% sure this will work. Que tears and silence. After a good night's rest which always seems to bring clarity, I find myself agreeing with him. No one goes into and IVF cycle 100% sure it will work. I was about 90% sure with our first cycle and was blindsided by OHSS and then the low quality and quantity of embryos. I think being more cautious and protecting ourselves this time around really is in our best interest. And that is what DH and the financial consultant were both trying to tell me and I wouldn't have any of it.

I want this to work so badly I just want to go in and get it over and done with. I don't even want to think about it not working. Then I tried to tell myself how much more comfortable I would feel if I knew we would get 90% of the cycle fee back if it didn't work out. How much stress would that take out of the equation!?! I need to be more open to other's suggestions instead of always thinking I know it all! I don't and others, especially DH, have my best interest in mind.

Now this doesn't mean we are for sure going to go with this clinic. But it means I need to take a step back and not be so defensive. We are going to consult with at least 1 other clinic in the bay area that has a refund program similar to this one. (Slightly higher fee for one cycle and transfer of all remaining frozen embryos before refund is given.) There are two clinic I have been thinking about going to for awhile and both have the At.tain Re.fund program and that is like 3x the amount (like over $25k) but you are paying for 3 IVF's and 3 FET's. And then if that doesn't work a 70% refund is given. I would be doing IVF for years! Not to mention it would take years to save up the $$ to do it. So they have both been taken off the table for now.

What do you ladies think, is doing a refund program setting yourself up for failure?

Done before it ever began

I had my consults with the nurse and financial counselors today. My chat with the nurse went ok. She did tell me if I wanted to start bcp with my next period I could be starting Lupron by July 14th. HA! I told her we need a little more time to get everything done and worked out before then. So not emotionally ready to start taking drugs again in 2 weeks.

The financial appointment didn't go as planned. They have "fin.ancial assista.nce" for their 1 cycle plan. Given DH is currently unemployed, we qualified. I was over the moon excited thinking it would cut some, not much but some, of the cost of this cycle. Nope. That plan is only for people who have no insurance coverage! Like no insurance at all. Who would be going through IVF to have a baby with no insurance coverage?!?!! Kind of need prenatal for the pregnancy you are hoping to have! No where on the sheet that stated the requirements did it say you had to have no insurance. Oh and did I mention they do not accept ANY insurance. So why does it matter if you have it or not??? And why did they even send me this sheet in my packet when the third question out of the RE's mouth was asking about our coverage. they knew we didn't qualify before they sent the packet. Surely they know how hard it is to hand over enough money to feed a small country to have a TRY at having a baby. They must know that some couples will meet the inco.me and n.et wo.rth requirements they have listed. So why not also state the insurance requirement?? I ended the conversation with, "well then maybe we need to find an RE that does take our insurance*."

I felt misled and pushed into doing the refund or multi-cycle plans. As I have said on here we are not financially ready to do IVF right this second, let alone doubling the cost with one of these options. I get these plans are an awesome idea! And if we were on IVF #1 I may have taken that route, but this is our second time around. Honestly I'm not sure if I can do a third or fourth cycle. I would really like to take it one cycle at a time. I feel like emotionally that is all I can handle. I hated that as I asked questions about the normal cycle she kept referring back to the other two options. I don't know, I just felt funny. I don't want to start at a clinic I already feel funny at without even ever stepping foot in the office. (Been there done that, and it didn't work out so well.)

So now we are going to continue to investigate other clinics. So many people have told us we should have multiple consultations to find the BEST clinic and RE available. (Easy for them to say when they aren't emotionally or financially invest in this.) I really feel I need to find a clinic that is a good fit for ME. That I feel comfortable at. I want to call in a feel like people are on my team and there to help. I know I will never be their only patient, but I want to feel like I am important. Please tell me some of you have this. And if you have gone to a clinic in N. Cali I would like to hear about them! I need some serious help!

*Our first cycle our RE was contracted with our insurance and they did cover the US's and bw. It wasn't much but it made a difference. And that RE could also order any test he needed and it would be covered, like SA's and bw. Since this clinic isn't contracted we have go to our regular MD or OB (still have yet to find one of those) and have them order all the stuff they want done. More time, money and energy I don't think I have. It was so nice at our last clinic for him to need something and to just write out a lab slip.