Talked down

I just wanted say a quick thank you to Jess who talked me down off a ledge today. This whole process is so hard and every time we hit a snag I feel like I may jump! Today Jess was my saving grace! The ALI community is amazing, and I am so grateful for friends in the blogging world. You ladies are the only ones who get it. Thank you for providing support in those dark times and for providing answers to questions I didnt even know would come up. Sometimes I just want to scream, "really, do you think this is how I WANTED to make babies?!?!" Nothing about this journey is easy. Thank you for making it bearable.

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New direction

I have been thinking a lot lately about what our next move will be. I have thought a lot about adoption and have not felt like that is the right move for us at this point. Surrogacy has been on my mind for the last few months, actually since we got our last BFN. It is kind of a strange thought because physically I should be able to carry and delivery a healthy baby, but there has been this little voice in the back of my mind that has kept the thought of using a surrogate in the mix. Well about 4 weeks ago a dear friend approached DH about being our surrogate. He wasn't sure how I would take it well so he wouldn't even tell me about it at first. When he finally did I felt... relief. I really felt like my body failed our first little embryos. I feel like doing IVF again will result in OHSS and yet another postponed transfer and more FET(s). These thoughts have been some of the major hangups for me. I haven't really moved forward with IVF #2 because I am so scared it will end the same way. Now I know every cycle is different and going to a new clinic will provide different results, but then there is that thought that I can't seem to push away, that there may be more to our fertility issues than just MFI.

After much prayer and thought we have decided to accept my friend's offer and proceed with IVF and surrogacy. I feel like the Lord has been preparing my heart for this option for many months and I feel blessed my friend R is willing to be an instrument in helping us bring our children into the world. I have felt peace and comfort in this decision and such overwhelming love both for and from my Heavenly Father. I don't know why this is the direction I have felt prompted to go, but I want to follow Him, He knows what's best. I have also thought this does not mean I will NEVER be pregnant. It just means that for now we are going to follow this new path.

I feel excited and hopeful once again. I cannot believe someone is willing to do this for us, that she is going to put her family on hold (they have 2 children) to help us. I can't believe she is willing to take all the pills and injections to prep her uterus. I just can't believe someone is willing to endure pregnancy for us. It brings tears to my eyes every time I think about it.

We still have a few things we need to get in order before we proceed. So we are still a few months away. I am going to contact the clinics office sometime this week to see what this new journey requires. I am grateful they employ a lawyer who specializes in all things fertility related. That will be easier than going out and finding a lawyer who does.

I have actually been a little scared to post about this new path because I wasn't sure what you ladies would think. I have not had multiple losses or uterine issues that would push us to this option. I came to this decision after only 1 IVF and 2 failed transfers. Know that it was not made in a day or even a week. It came after lots of prayer and fasting. I hope you will continue to follow our journey to parenthood.

Too much

A few months back I ran to my friend L's house to borrow a few eggs. She is in her mid 40's and has 6 children, with only 2 left at home. We got to talking about our plan for our next attempt at having a family. She then told me she had rented a movie all about IF, The Ba.ck-u.p Pla.n. I could hardly contain my disgust. Have you seen the movie? If you have you, you understand what an awful pretrial of IF it is. J.L.o gets pg on her first IUI attempt, with twins no less. She has no side effects from meds and her twin pregnancy is 100% uncomplicated. She even goes into labor and delivers healthy babies with no medical intervention. The only "issue" she has is this guy comes into her life on the day of her IUI. They fall in love and the movie ends with her throwing up in a trash can, surprise she is pg again! This time with her fiance's baby after no TTC. This is the movie L watched and suddnely understood IF. She just couldn't believe all we went through. Really?!?? Because that movie made it look pretty easy. She then finishes with, "gosh, if I had to do all that, I don't think I would have kids!"

Pause to catch my breath...

I then told her how easy that made it seem and how what we did, IVF, was about 147x more complicated. Not to mention all the stupid complications I had. I still don't think she got it by the end of our conversation. (Even Though she was one of the many friends who came to visit when I was sick with OHSS.)

So is this all really worth it? Someone who had six children, without even thinking about it, seems to think it isn't. I now know why the Lord gave me the gift of IF and not her, he knew I would continue to fight. Becuase my children are woth it!


PS This is the same friend who often comments that she stopped praying for patience because every time she did she got pg. And that my friends is the real secret to getting pregnant. Why didn't I think of that!

Bid your heart out

Sarah and Chris are holding an online auction to help their adoption dream become a reality! They have totally AMAZING stuff! Go over and help out this wonderful couple out.

Marital strain

DH was in Phoenix a few weeks back, and while sitting in church I made the comment to my very fertile friend D how much I missed him the week he was away. Her comment...

"Yeah you don't have kids yet. You wouldn't miss him like that if you had kids."

To which I replied...

"No we don't, but you have never been through infertility treatment and had "timed sex" or had your hormones all over the place from fertility drugs, or had to drop off your husbands semen at a lab to have it analyzed, or..."

She stopped me before I could continue to list things that strained our marriage and made it just as"real" as hers. And said, "Yeah, yeah you're right."

A few months ago after hearing someone say something similar to me and me just nodding and walking away, I decided I would never do that again. I was going to tell whomever told me this next time just what it was like to be in an infertile marriage. We have been married for almost 8 years. Just because we don't have kids doesn't mean our lives are stress free and wonderful. I have had this comment said to me in one form or another SO many times. I swear, we could fund IVF #2 if I had $1 for every time someone said something like this.

I get it, kids are hard and they make it a lot harder to have alone "couple time", but infertility can be like a cancer for a marriage. One that, if not "treated" properly will spread and kill the relationship. Yes DH can have alone quality time and date nights any time we please, but we have yet to have the joy of being parents together and watching our children grow and develop. Yes, we pray and beg for that blessing everyday, but when it comes, will I love him less? No, I think it will only make us more in love with one another. And maybe that is what I needed to get from IF, that children are such a blessing. I do believe that my non-IF friends think this, at least part of the time, but they will never have the privileged of knowing it like we do.

On reunions and such

My HS reunion is this year. Gasp, has it been that long already. I'm sure that 94% of my classmates are not where they thought they would be 10 years after HS. Yes, I have a wonderful husband, good job, beautiful home, etc. but still no kids. From what I can tell on FB there are plenty of my former classmates that are on the slow train, as far as kids and marriage go. So will I stick out and the "IF" classmate? No probably not. Well until they all find out we have been married 8 years and I still have yet to complete my degree. (What have I been doing the last 10 years!?!) I'm sure most of you fellow IF ladies have been here. How did you do it? What did you do? Should I skip the reunion? With FB these days you pretty much know everything you want to about the people you cared about in HS. I still have about 6+ months until the blessed event, but no way am I going to hope I will be pg by then. I am going to assume our life will be pretty much the same as it is now when I go. That way I am not setting myself up for disappointment.

Do your part

Please go over to Chris and Sarah's adoption blog to see their online auction. We are all traveling down this path we never expected to be on, let's help one of our sister's find her rainbow at the end. Plus, there is some really AMAZING stuff! Happy bidding!!

Left behind, for the 245,731 time

I have a friend who has been TTC #4 for about 5 years. We went to church together and she would often vent to me about how hard IF is. I should mention here that she has 3 beautiful healthy boys. Which she concieved the second her husband "walked inot the room". He must have super flying sperm! Anyway, she wanted a little girl in the worst way. So about 3 years ago she talked to her OB and found out she has P.COS. He told her she was VERY lucky to have the 3 kids she has. (Thank You OB!)

They moved an hour north about 2 years ago. We have kept in-touch via FB. They decided to pursue adoption through the state foste.r-ad.opt program. They have been considered a few times, but never got a placement. Well 2 weeks ago they were matched with a 6 yr old gi.rl who was victim of serious nel.glect. (she Wears 3.T clothes she is so tiny from st.arvation.)

So once again I have been left behind. When they started the process we were getting ready for IVF #1. I talked to her before it started and I remeber her saying, "we should have babies about the same time." I kept thinking, yeah right, this is going to work and you may be waiting for placement by the time I am due. Well looks like I was wrong. It just makes me sad. For some reason I have a hard time when people IRL get their miracle, I talking about those that have dealt with IF. I wish I was better about it, but it is just so hard for me.

In other news, after a lot of thought, I think we are leaning toward IVF #2. I just feel like I am not quite there with the whole adoption thing just yet. I really wish I was... It looks like we are still a few months away, financially, but we know where we are headed.

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Back to normal??

So my good friend AF has been showing up when she feels like for quite awhile now. The cycle before our first IVF she decided CD 40 was the day to come. She has been all over the place from 31-40 days when not being brought on by stopping bcp. Before all the madness of last year, I would say over the last 5 years she has been coming between 31-35 days. This month... 28 days. WTHeck. So is my body resetting after a year of total insanity?? But really, I don't even remember the last time I had a 28 day cycle. I am grateful that I haven't "damaged" my body permanently with all the junk I put into in 2010. I am hoping this will become a regular occurrence.

On the adoption front, nothing else has happened. I got our paperwork and it has just been sitting on my kitchen counter. We have to put down $1000 at our first meeting, which will be applied to the final cost of the adoption, but that just seems like a big commitment to make right now. I need to call the adoption specialist and ask some general questions before we setup that first meeting. I guess I haven't fully decided this is the path we are going to take just yet. I think it would be different if there was a baby out there, like Sarah's situation, but for now it is just another dream.

So no for sure decisions just yet. We continue to fast and pray and seek guidance only the Lord can provide. It's hard when you don't feel like you are getting an answer. I guess that is why we must have faith.

A call

I made a call today, to the adoption services offered through our church. We have been talking about it a lot lately and would like to have another door open in case I decide I can't handle another IVF now. I dont think that means we will never try again, just not now. I am excited, scared, anxious, happy, all over the place. I still have a little place in my heart that really wants a baby that is half me and half DH... But the fact is even with another IVF that may not happen. And I really feel like 1 more treatment is all I have left in me. (On Good days mabye 2 more cycles)

I am not sure where this road will lead us or even if it will end with a baby, but for today I am hopeful.

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UTI

Well I got a UTI (urinary tract infection) for Christmas. Yippee! Actually it really showed up on Monday. Man this thing is painful! I haven't had one since I was a little kid. In fact I had a kidney infection that almost killed me when I was 5. So the MD was a bit worried about it getting so bad so quickly this time. Apparently I have a lot of blood in my urine along with white blood cells. Just praying this antibiotic does the trick. Nothing like staring the New Year with an infection.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas. Thank you for all your wonderful comments on my last two posts. It has been a pretty rough year and I am ready to have some positive things to say on this blog again. Hope you all have a wonderful and safe New Year!

This Christmas...

...is So different from last year. Last year we were about to embark on our first IVF. I had my Jan appt scheduled with my RE. We were prepped and ready. There was such excitment in my heart as I hoped it would be our last as a family of two. I never imagined things would turn out the way they did. I did think we could possibly get a BFN, but to be honest, in my heart I believed it would work.

This year we are somewhat on the cusp on IVF #2. (Surely We will not be doing a Feb cycle like last year, possibly April or May) The difference is this time I have all the experiences of last cycle. So the excitment is gone. I am scared to do another cycle. Scared to fail, scared of the pain, scared of OHSS, scared to spend all that money, scared of the loss of control. I feel like we have a higher chance of sucess this time around due to the knowledge our RE will have from last cycle and the fact that we will have a new RE... I am just having a hard time getting over the fear. How do you ladies keep going, cycle after cycle?

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