Talked down

I just wanted say a quick thank you to Jess who talked me down off a ledge today. This whole process is so hard and every time we hit a snag I feel like I may jump! Today Jess was my saving grace! The ALI community is amazing, and I am so grateful for friends in the blogging world. You ladies are the only ones who get it. Thank you for providing support in those dark times and for providing answers to questions I didnt even know would come up. Sometimes I just want to scream, "really, do you think this is how I WANTED to make babies?!?!" Nothing about this journey is easy. Thank you for making it bearable.

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New direction

I have been thinking a lot lately about what our next move will be. I have thought a lot about adoption and have not felt like that is the right move for us at this point. Surrogacy has been on my mind for the last few months, actually since we got our last BFN. It is kind of a strange thought because physically I should be able to carry and delivery a healthy baby, but there has been this little voice in the back of my mind that has kept the thought of using a surrogate in the mix. Well about 4 weeks ago a dear friend approached DH about being our surrogate. He wasn't sure how I would take it well so he wouldn't even tell me about it at first. When he finally did I felt... relief. I really felt like my body failed our first little embryos. I feel like doing IVF again will result in OHSS and yet another postponed transfer and more FET(s). These thoughts have been some of the major hangups for me. I haven't really moved forward with IVF #2 because I am so scared it will end the same way. Now I know every cycle is different and going to a new clinic will provide different results, but then there is that thought that I can't seem to push away, that there may be more to our fertility issues than just MFI.

After much prayer and thought we have decided to accept my friend's offer and proceed with IVF and surrogacy. I feel like the Lord has been preparing my heart for this option for many months and I feel blessed my friend R is willing to be an instrument in helping us bring our children into the world. I have felt peace and comfort in this decision and such overwhelming love both for and from my Heavenly Father. I don't know why this is the direction I have felt prompted to go, but I want to follow Him, He knows what's best. I have also thought this does not mean I will NEVER be pregnant. It just means that for now we are going to follow this new path.

I feel excited and hopeful once again. I cannot believe someone is willing to do this for us, that she is going to put her family on hold (they have 2 children) to help us. I can't believe she is willing to take all the pills and injections to prep her uterus. I just can't believe someone is willing to endure pregnancy for us. It brings tears to my eyes every time I think about it.

We still have a few things we need to get in order before we proceed. So we are still a few months away. I am going to contact the clinics office sometime this week to see what this new journey requires. I am grateful they employ a lawyer who specializes in all things fertility related. That will be easier than going out and finding a lawyer who does.

I have actually been a little scared to post about this new path because I wasn't sure what you ladies would think. I have not had multiple losses or uterine issues that would push us to this option. I came to this decision after only 1 IVF and 2 failed transfers. Know that it was not made in a day or even a week. It came after lots of prayer and fasting. I hope you will continue to follow our journey to parenthood.