The life I imagined

I will turn 27 this week on the 27th. Yes, it is my Golden Birthday. I can remember back when I was a kid thinking how weird it would be when I was actually truing 27 on the 27th. I imagined where I would be in my life by then. The picture changed a bit over the years, but one thing that remained the same is the family I envisioned.

Even this year, as we started our work-up with our RE, I was sure I would be pregnant by my birthday. August seemed so far away in January... Now we are here. It didn't take long at all. My dreams of having a family are still on hold but ever closer. Maybe next year.

Will I ever learn...

...that teenagers can get pregnant without even trying, and that I need to not be so shocked!?! Probably not. Yesterday a co-worked told me her 16 year old granddaughter is knocked-up. (It is "knocked-up" and not expecting, pregnant, or with child when they are 16.) And not just a little bit, she is 5 months!!

Pick jaw up off floor and push eyes back into sockets.

And she just had her first OB appointment last week. Did I mention she lived with her grandmother, my co-worker, when she conceived?? Oh and she was on BCP to help prevent this kind of a mess. But at 16 who can really expect her to take that tiny pill everyday at precisely the exact same time as the day before as noted in the instructions.

My first words out were, "She's pregnant! B is pregnant!" "I wish I could give it to you," was her reply. I wish so too!

I would like to say that there are not two, but three guarantees in this life... death, taxes, and undeserved pregnancies.

***Yes, she will be keeping the baby and raising it with her drug abusing mother and mom's new live-in boyfriend. B's boyfriend is out of the picture, surprise, surprise.

After party

What happens after an IVF cycle? What is the after party like if the outcome is good? And what if it is bad?

Last night we delivered some home baked goods to a family we go to church with. They are on the opposite end of the fertility pool, their first 3 kids are all 12-14 months apart, 6 kids total. Most of their kids have left the nest, only have two left at home. She has been good about asking questions about IVF and what a cycle will entail for me. Well last night she asked me for an update since it had been about a month since we had last spoken about it. The she asked about the after party. "What is the after party like if we don't get good news?"

I was at a loss. What is it like? Will I want company? Will I want support from all my very fertile friends who have no clue what it is like to shell out $15k just to have the possibility of getting pregnant? Will I even want to get out of bed?

The truth is, and what I told her, is I don't know. IF is hard to accept when you try cycle after cycle naturally and nothing happens... but what about the cycles where you have thousands invested, countless hours of monitoring, tons of hormones, and still the outcome is the same?

I don't know the answer to any of these questions, and to be honest I haven't really thought about the outcome being negative. My hope and prayer is that we will be a one shot success story, and for now that's where my focus lies. Staying on the "it will work" side is where I want to be.

What was your after party like?

An Award...

Sweet Sarah at Babies everywhere... but none that call me mama gave me this wonderful award...




The rules of the “One Lovely Blog Award” are: Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link. Pass the award to other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

I would like to pass this award along to these great girls:

1. Sassyiflady at The Sassy Infertile Lady
2. Lorza at Baby Making Journey
3. IF Optimist at IF Optimist, then...
4. Rebbecca at Crazy Lady Ramblings
5. Liddy at The Unfair Struggle
6. Hope.Fatith.Patience at Hope.Faith.Patience
7. Illanare at My word fly up, my thoughts remain below
8. Hillary at Making Me Mom

I know that there are supposed to be more, but so many people have received this lately. Thank you to all my readers. This journey is hard enough, we should not travel alone!

Are you sure you're not just pregnant?

When we were first married I got asked this question a lot. "No, I'm sure I'm not," was always my reply. We were preventing back then (what a waste) so I would POAS just to make sure. But alas we never were. Well now 6 years later the questions have stopped and when I get sick people do not assume I am "with child".

Imagine my surprise when a good friend sent me a message on facebook asking the question I haven't heard in years. She said, "You have been sick a lot lately. Are you sure it is not a miracle pregnancy... it has been know to happen." Right. Things like pregnancy don't just happen when your husband has a sperm count like mine. IF we get pregnant with IVF/ICSI that will be a miracle! Falling pregnant by ourselves, impossible.

This friend and I started trying at the same time. She is now expecting her third son in the next few weeks. For her, yes, babies happen. Maybe that is why she doesn't get it. All those stories of people trying for 11 years and now are expecting twins after they stopped trying, do not have our issues. Or the ones that adopt and then go on to have 12 biological children. (Yes, this happened to a family I knew growing up.) This will not be our fate. God gives us all different trials and blessings. I have come to accept that. It's ok.


Why can't the rest of the world accept my infertility?

This may be TMI...

Stop reading now if you have sensitive ears. I have learned through our IF journey to share, share, share. So if this is TMI for some of you I am sorry.

Don't walk, run to the store to pick yourself up Some of the new KY Intense. Seriously worth the money!!

Especially for those of you who may not find the "deed" as enticing as it once was. All I can say is "THANK YOU" to whoever invented this!!