One Who Understands

New Year, same story

2012-01-11T20:49:00.000-08:00

My lucky number is 12. When I played sports it was my number. My husband and I were engaged on 12/24. When we started really getting this baby show on the road my dream was to have a baby (maybe our second, if things went well. HA!) in 2012. Well as we know, things did not go so well with IVF #1 or FET #1 or #2. So here we sit. Still seeking baby number one with no real end in sight. With each passing year I hope and pray that this will be "our year". I had really hoped that the stars would align and we could be back on the treatment roller-coaster by now... but we're not. And my heart hurts. The new year does not bring the promise of anything baby wise on the horizon and it sucks. We are quite blessed that we have finally saved all the $$ for IVF #2, (YEAH!!) but DH is still unemployed. I can't go in and spend our saving to make a baby without a fall back. Plus my job has changed and is BEYOND stressful now and I just can't calm myself enough to really give the next cycle a fighting chance. Now we know that stress does not equal infertility, but I believe that it can adversely affect the outcome of ART. And so we wait. For a job, for a miracle, for a chance to get this show on the road.

So sad

2011-12-05T12:06:00.001-08:00

I just wanted to write a quick post to cry a little. My ex boyfriend from college got married a few months ago. I just found out his wife is pregnant... with TWINS! Seriously, are you kidding me!!! It just made me so sad. She has twin boys from a previous relationship, so he is technically already a dad, but I just wanted to be pregnant before they were. I know it's silly. It just made me want to cry when I saw a friend of mine on FB comment on her photo. Stupid FB! I knew you ladies would be the only ones who would "get it". Man IF sucks.

What dreams may come

2011-11-13T11:40:00.001-08:00

I had a dream about a month ago that I gave birth to a daughter. It was such an amazing dream and I was so happy and excited during the whole thing. The only strange thing was we named her Te.ra. And I was in LOVE with the name in my dream. I would introduce her to people and say her name like it was the most amazing name in the entire world. Now, no offense to any Ter.as out there, but it is never a name I have considered for our little girl. So it was strange that in the dream I seemed to be obsessed with the name. Anyway, the dream was amazing and I woke up feeling like I knew we would have a little girl someday. I didn't tell DH about the dream because I didn't see him that morning (he was already at church for meetings) and just kind of forgot to tell him by the time I finally saw him.

Fast forward to 2 weeks ago, I got home from work and my husband had a big smile on his face. He said I had a dream about our daughter last night. I was like, "Um, what?!? You did" He said "Yep. We were at church and you were showing her off to everyone. Only weird thing was she was big and fat but everyone loved her. I had even left you in Sacrament Meeting to run home for a bit and you didn't even care because you had our baby with you." (Side note, I don't like being left in my pew at church alone. It is just... well lonely. So that is why that was interesting to him.) "You were so happy. You were glowing! You didn't even care that I was there. You were just staring at our baby. It was the coolest dream ever!" This is the first dream DH has ever had about our children.

I felt blessed that they happened so close to one another and we could share in the joy and knowledge we do have a daughter that is waiting to come to our family. I don't know when or even how she is going to get here, but I have faith that the Lord does and He has a plan. It was just a little reminder that we need to not give up. Our children are waiting for us. I hope they know how wanted and loved they already are.

Not our month

2011-10-24T19:27:00.000-07:00

So no miracle baby this month. It was a lot harder this time when AF came than it was last month. Not because I thought I had a better chance of it working this month, I think it was just one of those months. I think we all have those kinds of cycles. The ones where we literally feel like we can't stand to go one more day without having a baby or the possibility of one. I was so consumed with grief I cried quite a bit the last few days. I am just over not being able to do what so many women can. I am over my husband not being able to do what so many men can. I am done with all this IF crap! I just want off this ride!! Unfortunately, I am not the one who gets to choose when this roller coaster ends or even how it will end. So I am taking it one day at a time and counting my many blessings... even if the one blessing I desire most is being withheld.

Cup Time... again...

2011-09-29T21:14:00.000-07:00

Last month I POAS, OPK that is, using first morning urine (FMU) and got a positive 3 days in a row. This month I tried doing it throughout the day to see what the result would be. I have been POAS for the last 3 days, O is expected in the next day or two. I tested positive this morning around 8 am, then a little lighter at 10 am, and for sure negative at 7 pm. I told DH I thought it was "Cup Time" again. So here I sit with my hopes that these little swimmers will do their duty and find the golden egg.

I was asked how I used my OPK tests. Well last month, like I said I only used FMU and got a positive result 3 days in a row. I thought that maybe my LH was too concentrated in FMU and decided to not use that method this month. I have just been testing at random times during the day. (But not after having too much fluid intake as the test said this can dilute the hormones.) I was hoping to test every 12 or so hrs, but that hasn't really worked for me.

My one concern is I have been trying to keep an eye on my CM to catch that super fertile EWCM and have yet to see it. Not sure what that means exactly. I have had months were I have had an abundance of EWCM and wish we were using this method back then. Oh well.

I have also decided this month to not do back to back days of "Cup Time". Given that our factor is MF I think DH's swimmers need a little break. We will try again Saturday to see if that makes any difference at all.

Please feel free to ask me any questions you have. If you would prefer to email them to me, click here.

Not this time

2011-09-18T16:26:00.000-07:00

I really didn't think I would get pregnant the first month of trying our "new method", so when AF showed up on Wednesday I wasn't surprised. The good news is that means I ovulated when my OPT was positive, so I guess I kind of did it right. I think this month around my ovulation time I will test every 10 or so hours to see if I can catch it and just have one positive reading. (I won't use my first morning urine again.) I decided against buying the Clea.r Bl.ue fertility monitor, since I was able to detect ovulation with just the regular OPT. I may change my mind if I can find one for cheap on eb.ay or something like that.

I was right in that failing with the method really didn't upset me at all. I didn't shed one tear or feel any grief. I know for us it is such a long-shot, so it now working is no surprise. But it does give me something to feel like we are at least making some kind of effort. Which is healing for the soul.

I was asked if we had considered using donor sperm with this new method. DH is fine with that idea, mainly because it would be a whole lot cheaper than IVF, but I am not. I just feel its too complicated for me. Too many "what it's" roll around in my mind about the future for me to go down that path right now. I am so happy for the women and their husbands that have conceived their children via this method! (and there are many of you!)

So now we try again and hope for a different outcome next time.

Something new...

2011-09-06T21:51:00.000-07:00

Well I gave up on making babies the "old-fashioned" way about 5 years ago when we learned about DH's diagnosis... that was until I took a cake decorating class from a lady that said her daughter and her husband had our same issue and she tried a new method (at home) and got pregnant on her very first try! Now, my fellow IF sisters, I know there is a very good chance that this "method" won't work for us. This couple was able to do IUI, I believe, where we had to skip that step since DH's numbers were so low. But I feel a little twinge of hope again. I will be sad if it doesn't work, but since I really think it would be beyond a miracle if it did, I don't think it will set me into a tailspin like our BFN's after our FET's did. After all, this method costs all of $25 for 2 months worth of trying, were we sunk $15k+ into IVF and FET's.

So what is this new method you ask?? I'm sure many of you have seen the "cups" you can insert while on your period. They are called In.stead Sof.tcups. I have seen them many times and always wondered who would buy these things. Well now I can add myself to the list. Basically what you do is put your husbands swimmers in the cup and insert it for 24 hrs around ovulation time. Yes, it says you can only wear it for 12 hrs, but that is when you are menstruating. The cups only cost me $10 for 14 cups and I used 3 this cycle. I also purchased OPK's so I could be sure of my LH surge. (more on this later) The lady said her daughter did this and is expecting a baby boy in 3 months. Maybe it won't work for, but since we aren't going to pursue any kind of treatment for a bit I need to feel like I am doing something. Siting around doing nothing is much worse than a BFN from a cheap endeavor.

A little side note, I haven't used OPK's in YEARS, so I may not be doing it right, but I got a positive result 3 mornings in a row. Is that normal? I used the cup all three days to be safe, but I wasn't sure what was going on. My pack I got said to use your first morning urine, I didn't do that since I get up a few times a night to pee, but I did use the restroom as soon as I got up to start the day and tested then. I'm wondering if maybe the hormone was too concentrated at this time. Ladies weigh in. I would love to buy a Cle.ar Bl.ue Ea.sy Fertili.ty Monitor to use, but not sure if I will. That way I would really know what was going on with all my crazy hormones.

It is fun to have some hope again without injecting my body with 10 different hormones a day!

Did I mention...

2011-08-07T10:20:00.000-07:00

...our surrogate is pregnant?? No, not with our baby with her own. I am excited and torn all at the same time. This is great news for her and her husband. (Although most people can get pregnant, so not a really huge feat.) She called me a few weeks back and said they had a "whoops" moment and now she thought she might be pregnant. So, I did see this coming. They did want to have another baby and her hubby did say he didn't want to wait for us to be ready to pursue treatment. So again, I am not surprised... so why did it hurt so much when she told me?

I guess it is just a reminder of my constant lack of being able to conceive. It feels like a kick in the gut when someone says, "I'm pregnant." And then I love how they wait and watch your reaction very closely. I feel like those moments sometimes go in slow motion. Like there are millions of seconds in between the time the words escape their lips and the time you smile and say congratulations. It is probably a blessing because I can tell myself in those million seconds, smile, it's ok, tell her congrats, give her a hug, and above all don't cry! Then you have to listen to them babble about due dates and gender guesses and how excited they are. Pure torture. My heart was being ripped from my chest and all I could do was smile and listen. Like the good infertile I am.

We have some other news happening around here that may push back treatment for a least 18 months, so really I should be totally fine with all of this. (I will have to post about that later.) Plus, we were really looking at doing FET and surrogacy since IVF with surrogacy is like way out of our budget. So my hope was that our next cycle would end with me carrying our baby. So once again, I really should be fine with all of this... but I'm not. And it hurts.

Step 2 and 3 for IVF #2... check

2011-07-15T11:47:00.001-07:00

I went in to get my bw done Wednesday. I knew the RE wanted a lot of tests run but holy cow! I walked back to find a large line of vials set out on the table.12 vials later I hope they have all the info they need to start the process again. I had my regular MD order them so I can go in and request a copy in a week.

Step 3 was requesting a copy of my chart from Clinic from Hell for my records. I had been putting it off becuase I just didn't want to talk to them again. I finally just told myself I needed to get it over with, so I called. The girl was super nice and told my RE just had to sign off on the release. I told her we would be in that city Monday and would like to stop by and pick them up then. (This Was Tues this week) She said it usually takes a week but she would get back to me. I got a call at 6 pm that night saying they were ready to go! So I will stop by Monday morning to grab them. I am excited to see them. Plus it will be a million times easier to set up consults when I already have my records. No more waiting for them to send them over.

I think I had a very productive week. We are headed to the beach with DH's family next week and I plan to relax and not stress about anything IF related. This year I won't have a pg SIL so it will be easier. Although her 10 month old is a pretty good reminder of my lack of ability to procreate. Here's to hoping it is better than last year!

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Step 1 to IVF #2.... check

2011-07-12T08:55:00.001-07:00

HrI went in on Friday for my annual app. Got the good old P.ap out of the way and had her order all the blood work new RE asked to have done. (Even Though we arent 100% sure we will be going to this RE the tests are pretty standard and will help any RE we decide to go to.)

It felt good to finally be doing something to get this show on the road. It is so hard in the waiting stages of this journey. I think we all just want to be moving forward, and this was a big step. I had scheduled this appt 2 months ago and knew we couldn't do another consult with another RE until we had some of the bw done.

Good old AF showed up today so bw will be done tomorrow or Thursday. Then my MD said I can go in and get a copy of the results in a week or 2. Praying for no hiccups as we start the road to baby once again.

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Every Little Miracle

2011-06-18T21:09:00.000-07:00

Most of the time when a baby related commercial comes on I change the channel. (Actually this is true of pretty much all commercials) But have you ladies seen the latest Pam.pers commercial. It literally made me cry. I tried to add the video to my blog, but blogger is being lame and won't upload it. Please click to watch it. May want to grab a tissue before hand, just a warning.

Clearing my head

2011-06-03T20:17:00.000-07:00

I was so upset yesterday about everything yesterday. DH suggested I take some time and clear my head. If only I could take the part of my brain that is constantly thinking about IF and push the mute button.

I tried to take a step back today and realize that yes, sending out the info on the discounted cycle was wrong, but pushing me toward the other two cycles is really in my best interest. I think I am so over sensitive right now about all of this crap. DH said last night that he really thought the refund program was the best idea because he isn't 100% sure this will work. Que tears and silence. After a good night's rest which always seems to bring clarity, I find myself agreeing with him. No one goes into and IVF cycle 100% sure it will work. I was about 90% sure with our first cycle and was blindsided by OHSS and then the low quality and quantity of embryos. I think being more cautious and protecting ourselves this time around really is in our best interest. And that is what DH and the financial consultant were both trying to tell me and I wouldn't have any of it.

I want this to work so badly I just want to go in and get it over and done with. I don't even want to think about it not working. Then I tried to tell myself how much more comfortable I would feel if I knew we would get 90% of the cycle fee back if it didn't work out. How much stress would that take out of the equation!?! I need to be more open to other's suggestions instead of always thinking I know it all! I don't and others, especially DH, have my best interest in mind.

Now this doesn't mean we are for sure going to go with this clinic. But it means I need to take a step back and not be so defensive. We are going to consult with at least 1 other clinic in the bay area that has a refund program similar to this one. (Slightly higher fee for one cycle and transfer of all remaining frozen embryos before refund is given.) There are two clinic I have been thinking about going to for awhile and both have the At.tain Re.fund program and that is like 3x the amount (like over $25k) but you are paying for 3 IVF's and 3 FET's. And then if that doesn't work a 70% refund is given. I would be doing IVF for years! Not to mention it would take years to save up the $$ to do it. So they have both been taken off the table for now.

What do you ladies think, is doing a refund program setting yourself up for failure?

Done before it ever began

2011-06-02T18:34:00.001-07:00

I had my consults with the nurse and financial counselors today. My chat with the nurse went ok. She did tell me if I wanted to start bcp with my next period I could be starting Lupron by July 14th. HA! I told her we need a little more time to get everything done and worked out before then. So not emotionally ready to start taking drugs again in 2 weeks.

The financial appointment didn't go as planned. They have "fin.ancial assista.nce" for their 1 cycle plan. Given DH is currently unemployed, we qualified. I was over the moon excited thinking it would cut some, not much but some, of the cost of this cycle. Nope. That plan is only for people who have no insurance coverage! Like no insurance at all. Who would be going through IVF to have a baby with no insurance coverage?!?!! Kind of need prenatal for the pregnancy you are hoping to have! No where on the sheet that stated the requirements did it say you had to have no insurance. Oh and did I mention they do not accept ANY insurance. So why does it matter if you have it or not??? And why did they even send me this sheet in my packet when the third question out of the RE's mouth was asking about our coverage. they knew we didn't qualify before they sent the packet. Surely they know how hard it is to hand over enough money to feed a small country to have a TRY at having a baby. They must know that some couples will meet the inco.me and n.et wo.rth requirements they have listed. So why not also state the insurance requirement?? I ended the conversation with, "well then maybe we need to find an RE that does take our insurance*."

I felt misled and pushed into doing the refund or multi-cycle plans. As I have said on here we are not financially ready to do IVF right this second, let alone doubling the cost with one of these options. I get these plans are an awesome idea! And if we were on IVF #1 I may have taken that route, but this is our second time around. Honestly I'm not sure if I can do a third or fourth cycle. I would really like to take it one cycle at a time. I feel like emotionally that is all I can handle. I hated that as I asked questions about the normal cycle she kept referring back to the other two options. I don't know, I just felt funny. I don't want to start at a clinic I already feel funny at without even ever stepping foot in the office. (Been there done that, and it didn't work out so well.)

So now we are going to continue to investigate other clinics. So many people have told us we should have multiple consultations to find the BEST clinic and RE available. (Easy for them to say when they aren't emotionally or financially invest in this.) I really feel I need to find a clinic that is a good fit for ME. That I feel comfortable at. I want to call in a feel like people are on my team and there to help. I know I will never be their only patient, but I want to feel like I am important. Please tell me some of you have this. And if you have gone to a clinic in N. Cali I would like to hear about them! I need some serious help!

*Our first cycle our RE was contracted with our insurance and they did cover the US's and bw. It wasn't much but it made a difference. And that RE could also order any test he needed and it would be covered, like SA's and bw. Since this clinic isn't contracted we have go to our regular MD or OB (still have yet to find one of those) and have them order all the stuff they want done. More time, money and energy I don't think I have. It was so nice at our last clinic for him to need something and to just write out a lab slip.

2nd Opinion

2011-05-31T19:22:00.001-07:00

We had a consult with another RE on Friday. All went well. There were a few revelations.

1. I have PCO's. Not PCOS, just PCO's. I was confused as most women with PCOS are overweight, have excessive hair growth, an-ovulatory and irregular cycles. (None of which apply to me) He clarified that one can have polycystic ovaries with out having the syndrome. Ok. I have never been told this, so it was a bit eye opening.

2. RE #1 aka The Quack, put me on a very aggressive treatment plan for IVF #1. Given that PCOS ladies are often high responders I think RE #2 was a little shocked at the does of Gonal I was on.

3. OHSS would have been 100% preventable with IVF #1 if; a) I would have coasted and not triggered when I did. b) not been put on such a high does of Gonal. c) been given the proper meds to combat it once it took over. Also my clinic told me to drink "as much as possible," Dr. Z's advice, only 1 liter of Gato.rade or other sport drink per day. (No wonder I looked like I was 4 months pregnant)

4. He's pretty sure I have some king of immunology issue that could be preventing implantation. (Since I have PCO and endo) Will be testing for that.

5. He was ok with pursuing surrogacy but really felt I should look at all options before I made the decision. I told him I didn't want to be unable to do a fresh transfer again. He said he really thinks I will be able to do a fresh transfer. Haven't decided yet what we will do.

At the end all I said was, "Dr, do you really think this could work?" He said, "absolutely."

So he sent me enough info to occupy this IF girl for days. Seriously, talk about information overload!! I had a mini-breakdown today after work, after reading about the immunology stuff and if I test positive for NK cells what all that entails. I told DH I knew he sent it to me because he wants me to be well informed, but it just made me feel like we are that much further away from a baby....

Next steps, I talk to the nurse and financial coordinator on Thursday. He also wants me to get a local OB. (Yep, we have lived her 5 yrs and I still don't have one. I am a slacker.) I need to get another HSG done, since my last one was in 2005. DH needs a recent SA. After that I will have my day 3 US and blood work done for the immunology stuff. Sometimes it seems so daunting doing this all over. And he is much more through than The Quack, which I greatly appreciate, but it is just a longer list of to do's.

Thank you ladies for all your support. I wish I could hug each of you and tell you how much you mean to me. You make this whole thing tolerable.

Ready to throw in the towel

2011-05-18T11:16:00.001-07:00

I am so over all of this! It took 2 weeks for my old clinic to fax my medical records to our new clinic. Then they didn't send any of my OBGYN or DH's urologist stuff. I called to inquire, they can't fax anything over from other MD's. So I had to call our other MD's to request the records. Haven't been to either one since 2007, records are in storage, gonna take forever. My consult with new RE is next Friday. The new office said it really ins't a huge deal if they don't get the records before then... I am just over it all! The lady from the urologist office was so rude and just mean. I wanted to cry. This crap is hard enough, gosh, be a little kind.

We still don't have all the $$ saved and our surrogate has kind of mentioned that her hubby isn't willing to wait forever, ie more than 3 months, for us to get everything lined up. We were setting out for an August cycle, but I just don't know how that is going to happen. Not to mention my anxiety is back in full force and I can't deal with all of this!

Sorry for the rant. This is just where I am today.

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Not one tear...

2011-05-09T10:55:00.001-07:00

... Was shed yesterday. I really felt at peace with the whole Mother's Day thing. (A First for me since ttc) I really can't tell you why or how it happened, it just did. I had a wonderful day celebrating the two women in my life who gave me and DH life. I even went to my own ward for church, also a first in 4 years. (The Lest time I felt so left out and ended up crying my eyes out ALL day long afterward, so I have gone to church wiht my mom every year on MD since.) It was truly a perfect day.

A friend, E, stopped by when we returned home and gave me a bouquet of roses picked fresh from her garden in a cute vase. We are not very close, so I was totally shocked. She is the mother of 5 b.oys and her youngest, who is 2, is adopt.ed. It was the kindest thing. I told her she didn't need to do that given I am not really a mother and she said, "we are all mothers." She is right. I told her this was the first year I feel totally at peace and she said that's becuase we are on the path and our blessing is soon coming. I hope she is right, but if not I am just grateful the day was wonderful.

I hope all of you wonderful ladies had a great day! We survived another year!

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Free stuff!!

2011-05-05T08:02:00.001-07:00

So I did something a little crazy, I ordered a nursing cover. I my defense, it was FREE! You can get a free one too by going to uddercovers.com and using the discount code MOTHER.

When we started ttc 6.5 years ago I purchased lots of baby things, as did my mother for me. Now I have given just about everything away. I had one little girl's dress I adored and kept for about 4 years. This cover is the first baby purchase I have made in years, well that isn't for someone else. I couldn't resist. I think it shows I have renewed hope in this whole baby making thing. And maybe that I am just a tiny bit crazy!

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Talked down

2011-04-25T13:24:00.001-07:00

I just wanted say a quick thank you to Jess who talked me down off a ledge today. This whole process is so hard and every time we hit a snag I feel like I may jump! Today Jess was my saving grace! The ALI community is amazing, and I am so grateful for friends in the blogging world. You ladies are the only ones who get it. Thank you for providing support in those dark times and for providing answers to questions I didnt even know would come up. Sometimes I just want to scream, "really, do you think this is how I WANTED to make babies?!?!" Nothing about this journey is easy. Thank you for making it bearable.

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New direction

2011-04-17T15:57:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a lot lately about what our next move will be. I have thought a lot about adoption and have not felt like that is the right move for us at this point. Surrogacy has been on my mind for the last few months, actually since we got our last BFN. It is kind of a strange thought because physically I should be able to carry and delivery a healthy baby, but there has been this little voice in the back of my mind that has kept the thought of using a surrogate in the mix. Well about 4 weeks ago a dear friend approached DH about being our surrogate. He wasn't sure how I would take it well so he wouldn't even tell me about it at first. When he finally did I felt... relief. I really felt like my body failed our first little embryos. I feel like doing IVF again will result in OHSS and yet another postponed transfer and more FET(s). These thoughts have been some of the major hangups for me. I haven't really moved forward with IVF #2 because I am so scared it will end the same way. Now I know every cycle is different and going to a new clinic will provide different results, but then there is that thought that I can't seem to push away, that there may be more to our fertility issues than just MFI.

After much prayer and thought we have decided to accept my friend's offer and proceed with IVF and surrogacy. I feel like the Lord has been preparing my heart for this option for many months and I feel blessed my friend R is willing to be an instrument in helping us bring our children into the world. I have felt peace and comfort in this decision and such overwhelming love both for and from my Heavenly Father. I don't know why this is the direction I have felt prompted to go, but I want to follow Him, He knows what's best. I have also thought this does not mean I will NEVER be pregnant. It just means that for now we are going to follow this new path.

I feel excited and hopeful once again. I cannot believe someone is willing to do this for us, that she is going to put her family on hold (they have 2 children) to help us. I can't believe she is willing to take all the pills and injections to prep her uterus. I just can't believe someone is willing to endure pregnancy for us. It brings tears to my eyes every time I think about it.

We still have a few things we need to get in order before we proceed. So we are still a few months away. I am going to contact the clinics office sometime this week to see what this new journey requires. I am grateful they employ a lawyer who specializes in all things fertility related. That will be easier than going out and finding a lawyer who does.

I have actually been a little scared to post about this new path because I wasn't sure what you ladies would think. I have not had multiple losses or uterine issues that would push us to this option. I came to this decision after only 1 IVF and 2 failed transfers. Know that it was not made in a day or even a week. It came after lots of prayer and fasting. I hope you will continue to follow our journey to parenthood.

Too much

2011-03-16T11:27:00.001-07:00

A few months back I ran to my friend L's house to borrow a few eggs. She is in her mid 40's and has 6 children, with only 2 left at home. We got to talking about our plan for our next attempt at having a family. She then told me she had rented a movie all about IF, The Ba.ck-u.p Pla.n. I could hardly contain my disgust. Have you seen the movie? If you have you, you understand what an awful pretrial of IF it is. J.L.o gets pg on her first IUI attempt, with twins no less. She has no side effects from meds and her twin pregnancy is 100% uncomplicated. She even goes into labor and delivers healthy babies with no medical intervention. The only "issue" she has is this guy comes into her life on the day of her IUI. They fall in love and the movie ends with her throwing up in a trash can, surprise she is pg again! This time with her fiance's baby after no TTC. This is the movie L watched and suddnely understood IF. She just couldn't believe all we went through. Really?!?? Because that movie made it look pretty easy. She then finishes with, "gosh, if I had to do all that, I don't think I would have kids!"

Pause to catch my breath...

I then told her how easy that made it seem and how what we did, IVF, was about 147x more complicated. Not to mention all the stupid complications I had. I still don't think she got it by the end of our conversation. (Even Though she was one of the many friends who came to visit when I was sick with OHSS.)

So is this all really worth it? Someone who had six children, without even thinking about it, seems to think it isn't. I now know why the Lord gave me the gift of IF and not her, he knew I would continue to fight. Becuase my children are woth it!

PS This is the same friend who often comments that she stopped praying for patience because every time she did she got pg. And that my friends is the real secret to getting pregnant. Why didn't I think of that!

Bid your heart out

2011-03-12T08:57:00.000-08:00

Sarah and Chris are holding an online auction to help their adoption dream become a reality! They have totally AMAZING stuff! Go over and help out this wonderful couple out.

Marital strain

2011-03-02T17:43:00.001-08:00

DH was in Phoenix a few weeks back, and while sitting in church I made the comment to my very fertile friend D how much I missed him the week he was away. Her comment...

"Yeah you don't have kids yet. You wouldn't miss him like that if you had kids."

To which I replied...

"No we don't, but you have never been through infertility treatment and had "timed sex" or had your hormones all over the place from fertility drugs, or had to drop off your husbands semen at a lab to have it analyzed, or..."

She stopped me before I could continue to list things that strained our marriage and made it just as"real" as hers. And said, "Yeah, yeah you're right."

A few months ago after hearing someone say something similar to me and me just nodding and walking away, I decided I would never do that again. I was going to tell whomever told me this next time just what it was like to be in an infertile marriage. We have been married for almost 8 years. Just because we don't have kids doesn't mean our lives are stress free and wonderful. I have had this comment said to me in one form or another SO many times. I swear, we could fund IVF #2 if I had $1 for every time someone said something like this.

I get it, kids are hard and they make it a lot harder to have alone "couple time", but infertility can be like a cancer for a marriage. One that, if not "treated" properly will spread and kill the relationship. Yes DH can have alone quality time and date nights any time we please, but we have yet to have the joy of being parents together and watching our children grow and develop. Yes, we pray and beg for that blessing everyday, but when it comes, will I love him less? No, I think it will only make us more in love with one another. And maybe that is what I needed to get from IF, that children are such a blessing. I do believe that my non-IF friends think this, at least part of the time, but they will never have the privileged of knowing it like we do.

On reunions and such

2011-02-25T08:38:00.000-08:00

My HS reunion is this year. Gasp, has it been that long already. I'm sure that 94% of my classmates are not where they thought they would be 10 years after HS. Yes, I have a wonderful husband, good job, beautiful home, etc. but still no kids. From what I can tell on FB there are plenty of my former classmates that are on the slow train, as far as kids and marriage go. So will I stick out and the "IF" classmate? No probably not. Well until they all find out we have been married 8 years and I still have yet to complete my degree. (What have I been doing the last 10 years!?!) I'm sure most of you fellow IF ladies have been here. How did you do it? What did you do? Should I skip the reunion? With FB these days you pretty much know everything you want to about the people you cared about in HS. I still have about 6+ months until the blessed event, but no way am I going to hope I will be pg by then. I am going to assume our life will be pretty much the same as it is now when I go. That way I am not setting myself up for disappointment.

Do your part

2011-02-05T14:43:00.000-08:00

Please go over to Chris and Sarah's adoption blog to see their online auction. We are all traveling down this path we never expected to be on, let's help one of our sister's find her rainbow at the end. Plus, there is some really AMAZING stuff! Happy bidding!!

Left behind, for the 245,731 time

2011-02-03T09:09:00.001-08:00

I have a friend who has been TTC #4 for about 5 years. We went to church together and she would often vent to me about how hard IF is. I should mention here that she has 3 beautiful healthy boys. Which she concieved the second her husband "walked inot the room". He must have super flying sperm! Anyway, she wanted a little girl in the worst way. So about 3 years ago she talked to her OB and found out she has P.COS. He told her she was VERY lucky to have the 3 kids she has. (Thank You OB!)

They moved an hour north about 2 years ago. We have kept in-touch via FB. They decided to pursue adoption through the state foste.r-ad.opt program. They have been considered a few times, but never got a placement. Well 2 weeks ago they were matched with a 6 yr old gi.rl who was victim of serious nel.glect. (she Wears 3.T clothes she is so tiny from st.arvation.)

So once again I have been left behind. When they started the process we were getting ready for IVF #1. I talked to her before it started and I remeber her saying, "we should have babies about the same time." I kept thinking, yeah right, this is going to work and you may be waiting for placement by the time I am due. Well looks like I was wrong. It just makes me sad. For some reason I have a hard time when people IRL get their miracle, I talking about those that have dealt with IF. I wish I was better about it, but it is just so hard for me.

In other news, after a lot of thought, I think we are leaning toward IVF #2. I just feel like I am not quite there with the whole adoption thing just yet. I really wish I was... It looks like we are still a few months away, financially, but we know where we are headed.

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Back to normal??

2011-01-10T17:50:00.000-08:00

So my good friend AF has been showing up when she feels like for quite awhile now. The cycle before our first IVF she decided CD 40 was the day to come. She has been all over the place from 31-40 days when not being brought on by stopping bcp. Before all the madness of last year, I would say over the last 5 years she has been coming between 31-35 days. This month... 28 days. WTHeck. So is my body resetting after a year of total insanity?? But really, I don't even remember the last time I had a 28 day cycle. I am grateful that I haven't "damaged" my body permanently with all the junk I put into in 2010. I am hoping this will become a regular occurrence.

On the adoption front, nothing else has happened. I got our paperwork and it has just been sitting on my kitchen counter. We have to put down $1000 at our first meeting, which will be applied to the final cost of the adoption, but that just seems like a big commitment to make right now. I need to call the adoption specialist and ask some general questions before we setup that first meeting. I guess I haven't fully decided this is the path we are going to take just yet. I think it would be different if there was a baby out there, like Sarah's situation, but for now it is just another dream.

So no for sure decisions just yet. We continue to fast and pray and seek guidance only the Lord can provide. It's hard when you don't feel like you are getting an answer. I guess that is why we must have faith.

A call

2011-01-04T10:17:00.001-08:00

I made a call today, to the adoption services offered through our church. We have been talking about it a lot lately and would like to have another door open in case I decide I can't handle another IVF now. I dont think that means we will never try again, just not now. I am excited, scared, anxious, happy, all over the place. I still have a little place in my heart that really wants a baby that is half me and half DH... But the fact is even with another IVF that may not happen. And I really feel like 1 more treatment is all I have left in me. (On Good days mabye 2 more cycles)

I am not sure where this road will lead us or even if it will end with a baby, but for today I am hopeful.

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UTI

2010-12-29T11:33:00.000-08:00

Well I got a UTI (urinary tract infection) for Christmas. Yippee! Actually it really showed up on Monday. Man this thing is painful! I haven't had one since I was a little kid. In fact I had a kidney infection that almost killed me when I was 5. So the MD was a bit worried about it getting so bad so quickly this time. Apparently I have a lot of blood in my urine along with white blood cells. Just praying this antibiotic does the trick. Nothing like staring the New Year with an infection.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas. Thank you for all your wonderful comments on my last two posts. It has been a pretty rough year and I am ready to have some positive things to say on this blog again. Hope you all have a wonderful and safe New Year!

This Christmas...

2010-12-10T11:07:00.001-08:00

...is So different from last year. Last year we were about to embark on our first IVF. I had my Jan appt scheduled with my RE. We were prepped and ready. There was such excitment in my heart as I hoped it would be our last as a family of two. I never imagined things would turn out the way they did. I did think we could possibly get a BFN, but to be honest, in my heart I believed it would work.

This year we are somewhat on the cusp on IVF #2. (Surely We will not be doing a Feb cycle like last year, possibly April or May) The difference is this time I have all the experiences of last cycle. So the excitment is gone. I am scared to do another cycle. Scared to fail, scared of the pain, scared of OHSS, scared to spend all that money, scared of the loss of control. I feel like we have a higher chance of sucess this time around due to the knowledge our RE will have from last cycle and the fact that we will have a new RE... I am just having a hard time getting over the fear. How do you ladies keep going, cycle after cycle?

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Out of it...

2010-11-30T11:53:00.001-08:00

That pretty much sums up how I have felt the last few months. I am so sorry i have been MIA. I just dont feel like a lot of ttc stuff is going on right now. I am hoping to cycle again in the next 4-6 months. I have yet to pick a new clinic, but I figure we have plenty of time.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving! Ours was great. MIL drove me crazy, but that's nothing new. I wanted to say congrats to my two bloggy friends who just got BFP after their IUIs. I'm sorry I haven't been commenting. I have just needed a break and time to heal. 2010 was NOT our year. Between all the BFNs, OHSS, my grandma passing away, both of my parents being hospitalized with life threatening conditions, oh and throw on top DH losing his job a few weeks ago, it has been a rough year. (Yep, He is jobless once again. Really sucks, but we have saved all the money for IVF #2 and can afford to live on what I make.) I am so ready for the new year and the opportuinty to try again.

I really hope 2011 brings nothing but joy!

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I don't want your kids...

2010-11-09T09:48:00.001-08:00

Why is it that friends and family seem to think that just because we are infertile we want their children?? I'm sure all of you have heard the comment, "oh you can have him/her," 146 times or more. This happened to me on Sunday right after church. There is a darling little girl in our ward who was in the primary class I taught a year ago. She loves to come and sit with me and DH. I adore her. I sometimes think that if we would've gotten pg within the first 6 months of ttc we could have a child her same age. This girl even looks like she could be mine and loves to bake! One of my friends made the comment that we could take her home and people would think she was ours. The friend then made the comment to her mother C, who is also a dear friend, and C said, "you can have her." I laughed and continued walking. That got me thinking... No I really don't want this sweet little girl, I want MY daughter. I want MY son. I love other people's children, but I don't really want them. I am grateful they are willing to share them so I can enjoy them for a bit. All of our friends have wonderful children who I love, but it isn't the same. So the next time someone offers to send their son or daughter my way I may just have to turn and say, "no thanks, I'm waiting for ours."

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Putting on the brakes

2010-10-07T10:45:00.001-07:00

AF came on Monday. I was happy to see her and really thought I was ready to get this cycle going. But I could't bring myself to dial my RE's number. I thought, give it one more day and then try again. Nope. So we are not going to cycle this month, or maybe ever again with our last 3 embryos. I am really done with my RE and his office. I think it is time for a change. So for now we are saving for IVF #2. Hopefully we can find an new RE that will make our dreams come true.

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Lost again

2010-10-01T17:25:00.000-07:00

So it seems my AF has gotten lost yet again. Today is cycle day 40. Man IVF has really screwed up my body. I feel no symptoms which is nice. Well I guess I am a but temperamental. For those wondering, no I haven't tested. I do have one hpt left and I think I may use it is she doesn't come in the next day or two. I really don't see how I could have a natural pregnancy, but God does work in mysterious ways. Still I do not have my hopes up that that is what is going on.

We have decided to do our last FET this cycle, well once AF arrives I can start bcp. We are looking at a transfer date around November 8th. I don't know quite how I feel just yet. It has become somewhat routine. I'm not excited, I feel like let's just get it over with. I want to do it before the end of the year so we don't have to meet our deductible again and to have treatment with this RE's office be finished. It will be easy. Since this is my 3rd transfer I totally know the routine and am going to take the reins. 2 ultrasounds and then our transfer. I thought the 3rd ultrasound they threw in last time was a total waste, so this time I am not doing it. My body has done basically the same thing both times and it is hard for me to go back and forth to their office. Plus after all that happened last time I am so over all of them. The less contact I have to have, the better.

During our little break I started to take some time for me. It has been wonderful. I started taking pi.ano lessons 2 weeks ago and I love it! I have wanted to learn since I was little and just never had the time with all the other things I was involved in. Well what better time then now?!? It has been a real challenge. I am not really musically inclined, but have picked it up rather quickly. I am not Beethoven, but I have come to love developing this talent. It gives me something else to focus on. Which I feel I desperately needed.

One last development, I was asked to use my baking skills for a co-workers child's party. I LOVE baking and am so excited for this opportunity. Nothing big, jut some creative little cookie treats that look like witch's brooms. I made them about 3 years ago for a work thing and she remembered and asked me to make them again. So it will be the first time I have been paid to bake. I am pretty excited.

Waiting for our cake...

2010-09-11T10:42:00.001-07:00

I read this post on a fellow IF'ers blog. It is exactly what I needed today.Christine Dallimore at We are all mothers wrote a post about Infertility and Dessert. It is beautiful and amazing. I wanted to share it here.

Infertility and Dessert

Over the past several years, I have been confronted with many comments concerning my infertility journey. In my neck of the woods, not a whole lot of people can really understand the magnitude of the emotional luggage that comes with it. A lot of the comments have been something along the lines of....

"I wish I could understand your pain."

"I can't imagine what it would be like to NOT be able to have children."

In response, I usually smile and say....

"Imagine that you have never tasted chocolate cake before. Others that have tell you time and time again how wonderful it is. Then the day comes where the chocolate cake is sitting right there in front of you. It does look amazing. You want it more than anything. You want to experience the joy of it yourself. It's right there in front of you, but no matter what, you just can't have it. You are told you must wait. Now take that feeling, multiply it by 100 and you may come close to how infertility feels!"

After that, they usually nod in acceptance. After all, who can't relate to CHOCOLATE CAKE?!?

When I am emotionally vulnerable, I write. Shortly after I lost Conner, I had so many emotions that I didn't even know where to begin to sort through them. Talk about never writing so much in all of my life! This little ditty is a small reflection of that time. It's still raw and it's not perfect. It does reflect my journey thus far however. It also expands a little bit more on what I talked about above. I'll warn you though- it is long winded!!!

"Imagine yourself dressed up in your finest clothes. You and your sweet husband are attending a dinner together in one of the nicest restaurants in town. You both have planned, waited and saved for this evening. To say the least, you are very excited! You and your husband arrive and the atmosphere is more than you expected. Everyone around you is having a good time. The chandeliers are sparkling, candles are glowing and sweet soft music is playing in the background. To your pleasant surprise you see others there you know. You are seated with them and in your heart you think there just couldn't be anything better!

The table is just exquisite. Breathtaking really. The people at your table begin to talk to you in jolly conversation. You glance at the menu and you don't even know where to begin! You look over everything slowly and carefully, especially the dessert menu! All of your life you have been hearing about this restaurant's marvellous and divine desserts. Deep in your heart, you have been looking forward to enjoying dessert the most!

Everyone at your table orders their food. For dessert they all order chocolate cake. You think, "Hey that sounds perfect. I'll have chocolate cake too please." The waiter nods in approval and quickly swifts off to put in your order. In the meantime, you are still enjoying the surroundings, the music and the company. You grab your husband's hand and sigh "Yes, life just couldn't get any better."

The food comes and everything looks just pleasing. Some of the things you tasted you really love, some of the things you didn't. Either way, you know that dessert is on it's way. That thought in and of itself is just exciting! Then you see him, your waiter! Your wonderful, blessed waiter with a silver tray full of plates of chocolate cake! He comes and starts handing out plates to those you know. You look at the cake and to put it simply, it looks just divine. You're even more excited now! The waiter comes to your side and then passes you and your husband. You are shocked and think there must be some mistake. you don't know what to do, but rather than make a fuss you think, "Just wait, I will get my chocolate cake soon too."

Those that have their dessert are going on and on about how amazing the taste is. You smile, you are truly happy for them. Deep down you are anxious and their feelings only feed your curiosity and desire. Then you see the waiter again and think, "Ahhh, here he is." You notice that he starts handing out seconds and thirds to those that have already had their piece of cake. Your husband doesn't notice, he's busy chatting with the fellow next to him! Deep down though you get a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. You know something is wrong, something is very, very wrong.

You ask the waiter, "Excuse me please. Where is my chocolate cake that I ordered"? The waiter just replies, "The baker has said that you must wait." He rushes off and not another word is said. Time goes on. You still enjoy the surroundings, the people and the conversations. All the while though, you can't get chocolate cake out of your mind. Time keeps creeping by and soon your husband notices too, "Where is our dessert?" You hold his hand and look into his loving eyes and think, "Even without chocolate cake, life is still good."

Time, however, creeps and it creeps. At moments it seems like it has even stopped. It's getting late and people are noticing you haven't received your dessert yet. Questions start arising and you just don't know how to respond. You look around other tables and notice that people are also getting their third, fourth and fifth servings of dessert. "Why" is all you have to lean upon. You notice that others have ordered things for dessert besides chocolate cake. There is cherry pie, brownie ice cream sundaes, raspberry cheesecakes and such. They seem just as pleased, if not more pleased with their desserts and you wonder, "Should I order cherry pie too"? You talk to the waiter and he simply says, "I'm sorry ma'am, you just need to be patient and wait."

You are starting to burn inside. Despite all of your best efforts you are beginning to boil. You really want to jump on top of the table and stomp while shouting, "Where is my chocolate cake." You don't though because you know that will get you no where! Instead you look around and notice that there are some that are refusing their chocolate cake. "It will make me fat" one says. "Ugh. I have enough already" another states. One woman, simply dumps her beautiful chocolate cake onto the floor.

As you look deeper around you, you notice there are a few others that are waiting too. Your heart goes out to them. You smile and wish there was something more you could do. You know their pain and it hurts. It really hurts.

Finally, the waiter comes and he has chocolate cake on that familiar beautiful silver platter...and he has enough for two. One for your husband and one for you! Your so elated with joy that you can't hardly stand it!!! You tell everyone at your table and they are just as happy for you. "We knew it would happen" they say. "You just needed to relax"! Little did they know that deep inside relaxing was the last thing you were feeling! You look at your husband. Tears are in both of your eyes. You carefully take a taste. It's such sweet, sweet perfection. You go to take another and just before you do the waiter comes and gently takes your plates away. "Something is wrong" he says. "Don't worry my dear, the time is soon."

There's confusion. Sadness. Anger. Above all though, you are just deeply and truly heartbroken. Heartbroken to the very core. You don't know what to do. You turn to others for support. They cry with you and too ask why. You take a deep breath and find the strength to go on. You have been given the promise that you will receive dessert. It is just not understood as to when. You decide to put your full trust in the baker. You reach far inside within yourself and find the effort to ask your husband to dance.

He looks at you and smiles..."Yes, I would love to dance with you my dear one." You both get up, leave the table and set off to dance.

As you are dancing, you get your bearings. You again begin to notice your surroundings. The beautiful surroundings that have so magically grabbed your attention in the first place. You remember the music, the sounds, the smell of the sweet flowers. You breath. That's all you can do. You breath and slowly begin to enjoy the moment again. Slowly, it all comes back to you. The things you love. Being with the person you love the most. The pains you have just felt are still there. Still vulnerable, but you feel life again. Yes, life is still good.

After quite a few dances, you both decide it's time to sit at your table. People still have their desserts and their chocolate cakes. Your space is still empty. You decide, however, to really focus on those around you. In doing so you find more joy. The desire for dessert is still there- but it's manageable. Time moves on.

Then suddenly, out of nowhere, your waiter appears. He has the biggest smile on his face. He is pleased to announce that you and your husband's dessert is finally here!! Your heart wells up with joy, but you're afraid too. You ask the waiter, "Will you take it away"? "No, this one was made especially for you." You smile back, hardly believing that this could be true or real. You look at it and it's not a dessert you have ever seen before. It's then that you realize that the baker has made a dessert with all of your favorite colors and flavors. Careful detail was lovingly taken into every consideration. "How did He know that this is exactly what I wanted"? The waiter just smiles and says, "Because he knows and loves you." If you look, you can see him there. You look and at the door, through the little round window you see a gentle man with tears in his eyes. He is grinning from ear to ear and looking at you and your husband. You can't hardly see anymore because of all of the happy tears. You whisper a big "Thank You" and in your heart you feel that this simple phrase will never be enough.

You look at the people around you, they too have tears in their eyes. They too are smiling from ear to ear. Everything is so precious and tender now- even more so than when you first arrived here. It's then that you learn that the pains you have felt all along the way. The waiting, the crying, the agony. It's all been a special recipe to make this moment this much more wonderful and sacred.

In your soul you take a deep breath and slowly let out a big sigh of gratitude.

You grab your husband's hand and sigh again, "Yes, life just couldn't get any better."

Feb - 2003

By Christine Dallimore

I'm an aunt! (Again)

2010-09-02T13:07:00.000-07:00

DH's younger sister (although she is still 3 years older than me) had her baby today! Baby boy was born at 10:30 am. DH called to give me the news and he was so sad. In fact he freaked me out, I thought something happened to SIL or the baby. Turns out all is well, he was just very upset we can't have kids. I felt good and bad at the same time. Good - because he is really starting to feel this pain I have been dealing with for YEARS. Bad - well because he has to feel that pain. I don't think either of us really thought it would take this long. Oh well, onward and upward.

Good bye 27, hello 28!

2010-08-27T09:30:00.000-07:00

Today is my 28th birthday. Last year I wrote this post about the life I had imagined I would be living by the time I turned 27. Now here I am, another year older and still in the same place.

This year I will not be sad about the life I thought I would have by 28. I have plenty of time to live that life. Today I am just grateful for the life I have, for my friends and family. I am thankful that 27 is gone and a new year of life is just beginning. 28 will be a great year! No matter what the state of my uterus is. Bring it on!

Next step

2010-08-24T10:20:00.000-07:00

Not quite sure what we will do next. We do still have the 3 Day1 embryos left, but given that it took 6 to get 2 ok ones, I am not very hopeful about them. Plus my last cycle was a living crap fest! That really makes me think twice about jumping right back into things. I have a blog about my RE office I am going to post eventually. I am so fed up with them! Needless to say we will be looking for another office for IVF #2.

We are now in saving mode again. It looks like it will be at least 6 months before we can afford to do this all again. Which makes me feel sad but also relieved. Let's face it, this IVF thing is not easy and my cycle history has been extra fun, with OHSS and side effects up the ying-yang. I am kind of happy we have to take a break. And I think we will will re-evaluate what we really want to do. Yes, we did this before our first cycle, but things are very different now. Bottom line, I want to be a mom and being pregnant isn't as important as it use to be for me. After having so much fun on hormones I wonder if I will be able to handle being pregnant. I am kind of scared of it now. Does that sounds totally crazy??? I feel pretty crazy these days.

AF finally showed up yesterday, so I am hoping my body/emotional state will go back to normal now that I am not all hopped up on hormones. I have my WTF appointment next week, but I'm not really sure I am ready for it. So I may cancel. I just want this to be over with.

Bummer

2010-08-16T16:15:00.001-07:00

Negative...

Not surprised but devastated.

Still alive

2010-08-11T12:02:00.000-07:00

I am still here. Just laying low. My 2ww is almost over and I feel, well, peaceful. I know I will not die if I get another BFN. I am stronger than that. I really hope we get our miracle this month, but I need to trust in the Lord and His timing and His plan. Deep breaths.

RE switch, transfer, and Valium, oh my!

2010-08-03T07:27:00.000-07:00

Yesterday's transfer went well. We transfered 3 embryos back. 2 were at 5 cells and 1 was a little behind at 4. I was a little upset because my RE wasn't even there. He had the other Dr in the office, who I have only seen once at my last transfer for 2 min, do my transfer. There were things I had discussed with my RE at our last WTF appt that this guy didn't know about. I just tried to tell him what info I needed and move on. I was concerned about the embryos not being at 8 cells yet. He said they were right on track and were perfect according to when they were taken out and began to grow. They also had to use 6 of our remaining embryos. So my guess is they took out the first 3, one did not survive and the other 2 were not good quality so they quickly removed the next three. I did get pictures this time. They are so beautiful! I took a pic with my phone and sent it to DH. Last night he said he wanted to walk around work and "show them off" to people. HAHAHA! Then he said,"but then I thought that may be weird." He is already a proud dad.

I know that this is all in the Lord's hands and I need to just relax and let Him do His work. I had asked the RE if it was ok to put them back when they weren't quite at 8 cells and he said the best place for them to be is in my uterus, so that is where they are. Beta is on the 16th.

Oh one last thing. The 5 mg of Valium did NOTHING for me. HAHAHA! I felt no different. I was pretty relaxed about all of it from the second we got to the hospital. I only took it in hopes to relax even more and maybe get some rest during the time I had to spend in bed after the transfer. Oh well. It was a very good day and my mind was at peace about everything. I have done all I can.

Why do I worry?

2010-07-30T09:03:00.000-07:00

Seriously, what a waste of time! Yesterday my lining was only at 8.9 cm. The nurse laughed and said see, you are fine. (I called her in a panic on Tuesday, and she was so wonderful and totally calmed my mind. Have I said how much I love her.) So transfer is set for Monday. She actually said I could do it any day that worked for me, but with my boss being out next week, Monday will work best. I got my rx for Valium. YES! I am excited to be relaxed and carefree this time. Last time was so anxiety inducing. Hopefully my bp will be low and even and normal, last time it was so high before the transfer.

How am I feeling? Just kind of like whatever. Not really excited not doubtful, just whatever. I am excited to go in and see how our day 1 embies did. My RE has said they are more like fresh embryos, so they have a better chance at success. I am interested to see how many we have. They are frozen in sets of 3 and he said he would transfer 3 if they all make it. I see that as pretty unlikely, but that would be neat. I am also excited to get a picture of our little ones this time. All in all, I am just pretty ready for it to be over with. I want my embryos in my uterus now!

As far as side effects go, yesterday was a rough day. I was so anxious! I think it was because of the whole lining thing. Today seems to be a lot better thus far. I started my progesterone suppositories and antibiotics today, hoping they won't throw more insanity into the mix.

Getting thick

2010-07-27T10:40:00.000-07:00

My lining is getting nice and thick. I guess these hormones are really doing their job. Yesterday my lining was at 7 cm already. (I need to be between 8-10) I was excited and thought they would want me back on Wednesday to do another measurement. No such luck. They want me back on Thursday to check again. I went home and told my mom what happened and she asked why it only took 4 days (since the day my cycle stopped) to grow 7 cm and now they want me back in 3 days. Won't I be too tick by then?? I didn't even think to ask the nurse. So I placed a call in today to have her call me. I'm sure they know what they are doing. I am just worried because I have been so afflicted this time with side effects, and I don't want to do this over again simply because my lining got too thick.*

I have felt a tiny bit better yesterday and today. I still would like to put life on hold for a bit to just let my body adjust to all of this. I am so tried and could really use a break. Luckily the weather is cooling off a bit here and will be in the low 90's to high 80's. I can handle that a lot better than the 100's.

*I had asked my RE during my WTF appt for last cycle if we could postpone the transfer a day if it was going to be on a Monday since DH has a really hard time taking Monday's off. He told me we could but that it could adversely affect the outcome of the cycle because they transfer when my lining is best and letting it go one more day could be too much. So to me it doesn't make sense that I only have 1-2 cm to go and I have 3 days to wait.

Side effects

2010-07-24T08:47:00.000-07:00

Side effects, side effects, I love you! I looked back through my posts to see how I did with our last FET. Turns out I was lucky in that I had no side effects from the meds. This time is not the same. Not only am I ultra emotional, see post below, I also am super tired, anxious, nauseated, lethargic at times and just feel yucky overall. Anyone else experience any of this while doing a FET? I am not even growing eggs for heavens sake! I called the nurse and she said everything was totally normal and my body was just adjusting to the estrogen pills. Well hurry up already! Maybe last time my body was a little more use to it because I had just gone through our IVF cycle where my E2 was over 7000 the day of retrieval. So it was like "shoot E2 rising, no problem. Been there done that."

This cycle is kicking my butt, and I don't like it one bit. I even told DH I don't think I could do it again. My body just hates me too much. I know that in the end it will be worth it when I hold that precious little baby in my arms, but when you have failed before it makes the end goal seem so far off. Truth be told I would do this 10x if I knew in the end it would result in a real live human baby, but there are no guarantees. Sure the statistics are on our side, but you never know which side of the statistic you will fall in.

Ok, ok, I am done being negative now. I know I will do it again if we still have embryos left, which is highly likely. On a good note my boss has been AMAZING! I have been working from home on afternoons when I have felt really crappy. Which is nice since I have no sick time left. He has told me to just take care of myself and be sure to get the rest I need. I am so grateful. DH has also been wonderful, as usual, and has been taking very good care of me. I am so thankful to have such a great partner to go through all of this with. I know I couldn't do it alone.

Insanity

2010-07-20T20:49:00.000-07:00

Yep, I am living in a state of constant insanity. I cry like a baby at the drop of a hat. This hormone stuff sucks. My appt yesterday went well. E2 was at 58, I was a little nervous, but everything looked amazing. Apparently my RE was a little worried about how quickly my uterus responded last time because this time he wants to see me in a week. So I will go in for another scan on Monday. I am guessing my transfer will still be early the week of August 2nd.

Oh and surprise, I don't have to pay the $750 RE fee this cycle. I was a little shocked. When I asked the front desk lady why she asked if I had just done a fresh cycle, I said no, then she asked if I was doing consecutive cycles, why yes I am, then there is no charge she said. Say what?!? Ok, I'll take it. So I ran out the door as fast as I could before she changed her mind. I will still have to pay the $350 hospital fee, but that is no big deal.

So my SIL is pregnant, my brother's wife. Best part is I found out via FB. Nice. My brother texted us all about 2 hrs later to inform us baby #2 was on the way, little late bro. This is the same SIL who stole my baby name.* (And will be taking our other girl name if #2 is a girl or our boy name if it is a boy. Yep she is fun.) I guess I am a little upset about it because I swear she is just trying to get pregnant before me. She was trying to be all up in my business during IVF #1 and FET #1, but never really showed any interest after they failed. My sweet niece just turned 2 and SIL has been wanting another since my niece was 7 months. But, they live with her parents, and older sister, and my brother is still in school. So my brother has been able to hold it off until now. I guess her persuasive powers won the war. Really, I am happy to have another baby on my side on the way, since my bother and I are the only two married. I just wish it was me...

I hope I can get my emotions more under control. Luckily DH is amazing and has put up with all the insanity I throw his way. Poor guy. I don't really feel excited or nervous about this cycle just yet. It is like I am on autopilot just going through the motions. I did remember to ask the nurse for Valium for this transfer. No problem. I want to be as relaxed as one can possibly be with my bottom in the air for the whole world to see. I am really looking forward to that.

*Conversation with SIL while she is 8 months preggo with my niece...

ME: So do you have a name?

SIL: Well we like Rea.gan

ME: Please don't use Rea.gan I have loved that name forever and was planning on using it for our first little girl. Oh well, if you use it I can use Ken.nady. I like that name too.

SIL: Oh Ken.nady is going to be our second little girl's name

Mind you I had mentioned the name Re.agan several times before at family things saying that would be our first little girl's name. It's ok, my niece is darling and the name fits her well. It just makes me sad that she is so evil. I guess we will have to come up with new names.

Game of Life

2010-07-12T09:44:00.000-07:00

We bought the retro version of the game Life a few weeks back. I loved this game as a child. It was so much fun to go to college, get a job, get married, make money, and have kids. Now DH and I have been playing it about once a week when he needs a break from studying. I am embarrassed to admit I am obsessed with hitting the kid squares. Like if I have twin boys in the game maybe that will come true in real life. I don't even care about what occupation I have or how much money I win, all I want to see is, "A daughter is born. Collect presents." I will admit, last night I even cheated. I had passed most of the "kid squares" and spun a 3. I noticed that if I only went 2 I would have a son. Luckily DH was not paying attention and I counted 3 and went 2. I was so excited to finally have that little blue peg in the back of my blue plastic car. As if the little blue son was to say that now this "life" I was pretending to have was valid. As if I was going to have children in real life because the game, that I had now cheated at, said so. Like maybe this transfer would be the one. I feel totally ridiculous to admit that a child's game could lead me to believe such things. I am not a superstitious person, I do not believe in horoscopes or fortune tellers, so why does this silly game have such a hold on me. I even secretly hope DH will land on the squares, like maybe we can add all our kids together at the end to boost our chances. (Which, by the way, he had 5 kids last night! He didn't have enough room for all the pegs in his car and one son had to lay down in the middle.)

When we play and I have kids later in the game or not at all I look at my little blue and pink peg and feel pity for them. "They must be infertile," I think. I hope and pray that their luck will change, that I will spin the right number so I can add pegs to the back seat. After all, they are driving a 6 passenger car and what a lonely car that is when it is empty. Like our family car is and our 4 bedroom home.

I know, it's crazy, but every time I land on one of those squares my heart skips a beat and is filled with hope.

Trip

2010-07-07T17:36:00.001-07:00

I survived the IL's!! Even a very pg SIL. I am pretty proud of myself. I participated in all the fun activities and even baby/pregnancy talk. (Since that was about all the women talked about.) SIL was much better then I thought she would be. She didn't complain once and was taking every precaution to make sure she was being healthy and safe. (She even gave away a full pack of gum when she realized it had Aspartame in it.) She looks amazing and all I could do is hope that very soon I will be in her shoes.

So I only have 11 total pics from the trip. We went kayaking on Monday and my camera took an unexpected plunge in the ocean along with my entire body. Scariest moment of my life. I was pretty sure I was going to die as the waves threw my body, the ore and kayak like rag dolls. I was also right next to a very large reef. Thank goodness everything turned out ok, well except for the dead camera.

It was really hard to come back to work on Tuesday. Both DH and I survived and are looking forward to this weekend. I start Lupron on Saturday. My next appt is the 19th. Looking forward to stating it all again.

We're back

2010-07-04T09:53:00.000-07:00

I survived. The beach was beautiful and we had a lot of fun. There are lots of finteresting stories to tell, but I have so much to do. I will have to update more tomorrow. Let me just say my pregnant SIL was wonderful. Yes, most talk turned to pregnancy and babies, but I was ok. We will be there someday too.

I know so much has gone on in the past week. I want to send out my deepest love to Rebecca and her husband Nick who lost her little girl Lillian at almost 23 weeks due to premature labor. Please stop by and read about her sweet little girl and offer your support. It is such a devastating loss.

Bye for now...

2010-06-25T12:21:00.001-07:00

We are off to the beach to relax and enjoy our family. (That is if MIL doesn't drive me crazy.) Wish me luck as we will be in the same house as my very pregnant SIL who never wanted kids and finds her pregnancy to be much of a nuisance. (She read online that your fertility decreases after age 30, so before she turned 31 they decided to try and, big surprise, it worked.) I have a load of good books and lots of sunscreen. Until next week...

Protocol

2010-06-22T10:44:00.000-07:00

I just called the RE's office and got my protocol for our upcoming cycle. This is what I know so far...

Start Lupron 10 unit - 7/10
Stop bcp - 7/16
First u/s - 7/19

I am grateful I don't have to worry about injections until after we get back from vaca. We are moving right along.

And so it begins...

2010-06-17T09:52:00.001-07:00

FET #2 is underway. I started bcp on Tuesday. (AF finally showed up on cd39, Sunday) I saw my RE on Monday. The waiting room was totally packed! It was awful. There was a lady whose phone kept going off every 2 mins. There was a lady with her husband and 4 yr old son. (I’m not a huge fan of kids in an RE office, sorry.) Then there was the super skinny lady pulling receipts out of her wallet and balancing her checkbook. And not just a few. Like 30+. When I finally got called back I told rude coordinator that my bp may be high because of the waiting room, “Well it’s Monday morning. What did you expect?!?” I wanted to knock her upside the head. Then after she takes my bp I ask her what it was. No answer. She turns around about a min later and says, “Did you ask me something?” Yes rude lady, I would like to know what my bp was!

The RE comes in a few min later and answers my questions. Apparently they do grade the embryos and give out pictures if you ask for them. Don’t know why any woman wouldn’t want that kind of info. So I asked him about our last transfer and he said one was an A and the other was like an F. Ok, good to know.

Also they freeze the embryos in sets of 3, so they will only take 3 out to thaw at a time. It looks like they will transfer back all 3 if they thaw properly. I was a little nervous about that, but they won’t re-freeze any. So I would rather them be in me if they have any chance. So that could potentially give us 3 more tries at a FET. He did say if they thaw out one set and none survive they quickly thaw another. I would hate to go through the prep and have nothing to transfer. My transfer should happen the week of August 2nd. Oh and he didn’t even give me my schedule. They were so busy he said he would have rude coordinator call me in a few days to get it all set up. After all, I am an “old pro at this now”. (His words)

Mostly I am feeling optimistic about this cycle. I feel like since these are day 1 embies they are more like fresh ones. (At least that is what the RE has told me.) I have been sick the last few days, so I haven’t really had the chance to let it sink in that we are back in the saddle. Truthfully, I wouldn’t want it any other way. Waiting to cycle is hard. I am not one of those girls who just relaxes and enjoys the time off. It is always on my mind. I think I am finding more peace in this cycle now that I have been through it already. Last time I was so scared and didn’t even know what to ask, embryo grade, pics, etc. Now I do kind of feel like an “old pro”. I know not to drink as much water. I am also going to ask about Valium before the transfer. That seems to be pretty normal thing to be given to help the uterus relax. Any opinions on this? Plus last time I was so tense, my RE asked me to relax my bottom. I’m sure it was not the most welcoming environment for our embies.

Looking back I am glad things turned out the way they did. I would love to be pregnant right now, but it wasn’t meant to be. Now I can go into this transfer calm and ready. I just feel so blessed we have 9 more tries. 9 more little ones that could possibly be our baby!

No I haven't

2010-06-10T09:09:00.001-07:00

POAS that is. I really don't see how with our MFI I could be with child on my own. Certainly I will not doubt God's power and ability to make that happen, miracles do happen. But for us I feel like when we get pregnant with IVF/ICSI that will be OUR miracle. Sometimes medical intervention is the miracle. (And being born in a time when it is available, and being able to afford it.) I only have one stick left. I have considered using it, but that thought leaves me pretty quickly. I guess some of it has to do with the failed cycle. I had at least one perfect little embie on board and not even it resulted in a line on the stick. I figure if I haven't started by Monday I will have the RE's office do one. Well maybe. If they think it is warranted.

I wish I was charting like Sarah had mentioned. I haven't done that since... oh who knows, the beginning. I'm sure miss AF is just lying it wait. She is a tricky little devil.

PS I have no symptoms either way. I just feel normal.

Lost??

2010-06-09T15:06:00.000-07:00

My AF seems to be lost! Today is cd 35 and I am pretty regular with 31 day cycles. I am guessing this has something to do with all the drugs and hormones I have been pumping into my body the last few months. Has your cycle been longer after a failed IVF or FET??

I did schedule my next appt with my RE on Monday, so I will be asking him if she hasn't come to visit by then. (cd 40) The only other time I have been this late is right before our IVF in February. And that was stress related. I know I have been stressed lately but come on! Hopefully she comes soon.

I received my letter from the office stating bcp need to be started on cd3 for the cycle starting after June 7th. So I will be starting those pretty soon. Transfers will be taking place between August 2-13. Man that seems so close! Didn't we just do this?! I am starting to get a little excited!

I know, I know

2010-06-03T19:51:00.000-07:00

I have been missing. The last week has been hell! (to put it lightly) My step-dad had a hear.t atta.ck last Tuesday, 5/25. He is ok and came home yesterday. We were all really worried and scared he wouldn't make it. Luckily he did and all is well now. It's a long story, but the Read.er's Di.gest version is: He had a hea.rt att.ack 2 years ago from a freak birth defect artery that he never knew existed. The docs put in a stin.t and a few different meds to control everything. He had his hi.p rep.laced two weeks ago on 5/19 and had to go off all meds, so that he didn't blee.d to de.ath during surg.ery. Refused bl.ood tran.sfusion the next day even though his doc recommended it. (Duh dad, it is 2010 it's safe to get a transfusion!) And a week later he was rushed to the ho.spital via am.bulance and then right to the OR. Crazy week! There was tons of drama far beyond what anyone should deal with, he has in.sane children from his fir.st marriage and they are awf.ul to say the least. Bottom line, he's fine.

I have been really bad and have yet to go back to my RE for my WTF appt. I just have no motivation. It looks like a July transfer is out. Maybe we will shoot for August. After our BFN I have no desire to do that all over again. But every time I see a baby all I want is to have our own. Ironic that the only way I can do that is the thing I am now avoiding like the plague. Plus sweet DH is studying with a new program for the C.PA. He has been out of school since Dec. 2005 and started getting serious about it about a year later. He has yet to pass any of the 4 parts. Lots of time and money spent on heartache. We are hopeful that this new really intense, really expensive program will help him accomplish his goal. How does this relate to IF, he is required to study 30-35 hrs per week from now until November. Did I mention he works 45-50 hrs per week and has a 2 hr commute? So I now feel like I will be going at this next cycle somewhat alone. I thought about postponing all IF related stuff until he is done, but I don't want to. I want to continue, well most days I do.

Still really considering transferring to a new RE if our next FET is a bust. We won't be able to afford another fresh cycle, mostly thanks to above mentioned program, until the beginning of next year. I guess I have plenty of time to mull this over in my brain. I think this is a contributing factor to my reluctance to use our last 9 embies. I know that once that cycle is over we are back to square one. Sigh...

I didn't mean for this post to be all depressing. Life really is going well and I am trying to enjoy DH while he still has free time. (He starts the study program June 7) We are taking our trip in 3 weeks and I am looking forward to a little R&R. Oh and the food! I swear I could eat my way through any city.

Already?

2010-05-24T12:27:00.000-07:00

Today is our 7 year wedding anniversary. All I can say is time has flown by! I feel so blessed to have married my best friend. I have enjoyed the last 7 years immensely. This journey through IF has not been easy, but it has been bearable with DH by my side. I hope this will be our last anniversary as a family of 2.

Next...

2010-05-20T13:28:00.000-07:00

I am feeling better. Thank you for all of your love. This IF journey is just hard sometimes. Ok, maybe ALL the time! I had a bloggy friend who got a BFN after her IVF today and my heart broke for her. All the feelings of disappointment and failure flooded back in. If you have a second, go over and support Mrs. A.

I guess part of the reason I am so on edge about this next FET, which still isn't officially scheduled by the way, is that if this doesn't work we are done for a while. We cannot afford another fresh cycle, and it will be a bit before I am ready to go back to that. (After all the happened with my last cycle.) I wonder how likely I would be to have OHSS again... anyone know??

I am just taking life day by day and hoping I can find the energy to cycle again. I know it is only a FET, but getting another BFN would hurt so much. I don't know how some of you ladies do it cycle after cycle. It is too hard. Trying to find that positive person that was here a few weeks ago. I think she is buried real deep. She might be hiding in a corner. I'm sure I'll find her, eventually.

Hope...

2010-05-13T08:40:00.000-07:00

I am trying really hard to get the hope back from last cycle. It was hard to get a BFN when I was SO sure it worked. I know that it is His plan, I just don't get it. How do you revive the hope that seems to be lost?

We have the 9 embryos left and after that we are back to square one. We have been praying a lot about possibly switching clinics. I do like my RE and his staff, but there are just some things I would like to be different. I would like to have a more active role in my care. I felt like I had to pull the info I wanted out of the IVF "nurse". The real nurse at the clinic, that did my u/s, was always more than happy to tell me everything, but I only saw her for all of 2 min. So it was hard to get all the info out. I just felt like they didn't think I was a well informed woman who wanted to know as much as possible about my blood work, medication, embryos, etc. I felt like they told me the bare minimum, and when I asked for more it was a hassle. It really bothered me... But the location is wonderful and they are a couple thousand dollars less than other clinics.

The cost isn't the main hurdle, it is location. Our clinic is 1 hr south of us and our families live in the same city. So I always have a place to crash and a sister or my mom to go with me to my appointments. The other 2-3 clinics we have been looking at are 1-2 hrs north. We have no family or friends that live close by. So that means I would have to travel both ways on the days of my appointments. Plus I would not want to go alone, so I would have to find friends from church to go with me. DH may be able to go to a few, but his work is not super flexible. The stress and anxiety of trying to line up fiends to go with me may be more of a hassle and hindrance than it is worth. I'm not sure.

IF just sucks!

Moving forward

2010-05-06T08:41:00.000-07:00

Thank you again for all your support. You ladies are simply the best! Today is CD1 and I feel totally at peace with everything. Do I wish today I was celebrating being almost 5w pregnant instead of CD1, yes, but that is not the way things worked out this time. I know that the Lord has a plan and we just have to have faith and trust in Him.

So our next step will be going back to transfer our remaining embryos in July. We have a family vacation planned for the last week in June to Pismo Beach and I want to be able to ATV and kayak without having to worry about possibly being pregnant. (Since I would be in the middle of our 2ww if we did a transfer in June.) This vacation will be hard because DH’s youngest sister will be 7 months pregnant. I would’ve been 13 weeks if this cycle would’ve worked. So I’m sure pregnancy and birth will be all the women, MIL and my two other SIL’s, will be talking about. Plus we will be having a baby shower for her since we all live pretty far away from each other.

We have 9 day 1 embryos left. I think we will unfreeze all in hopes to get two perfect ones to transfer back. I first wanted to take out 5 and hope for 2, but given that we had 8 growing when we thought we would do a fresh transfer, before my OHSS got really bad, and only 3 became good embryos, I think we will do all 9. I don’t want to do all the hormones and get prepped and not have any high quality ones to transfer. The good news about freezing day 1 embryos is they are not as affected by the freeze thaw process, according to my RE. Hopefully that will be the case and we can have success in July.

I don’t know how you ladies do all that you have. Going through one failed cycle was really yucky. And mine wasn’t even a fresh transfer, so the likelihood of failure was much higher. Now looking back I don’t know how I thought it would work. My clinic has very low success rates with frozen transfers. I remember saying that to the IVF nurse when she said we would likely skip the transfer and freeze all embryos. Her response, “When I first started here we didn’t have ANY pregnancies from frozen transfers, but now we’ve had like 7! In fact my best friend had twins from a frozen transfer.” Really, did she think that would make me feel better?!? A whole 7 pregnancies, now I really want to freeze everything. I felt like I had just flushed $10k down the drain. Maybe we can bring that total up to 8! HAHAHA!

Got the call

2010-05-03T14:47:00.000-07:00

I was really hoping that the pee stick was lying. Nope, nurse at the RE office called, negative.

Thank you for all the love and support. I cannot tell you how much each virtual hug helps. I love you ladies! I couldn't make it through this without you.

BFN

2010-05-02T09:36:00.000-07:00

I peed on a stick this morning at my mother's urging. It was negative. I know it's not fully over until the blood test, but it feels over. Today is 12dp3dt. It would've been positive if I was... Tears, lots of tears.

What IF....

2010-04-30T09:44:00.000-07:00

When Mel posted the What IF Project I thought it would be really easy for me to write about the fear I have of NEVER seeing those two pink lines. That is what my original What IF was all about. I mean isn’t that something most of us fear, that it will never work… Then something changed, I know it is not if I will see them but when. So my original pick for the What IF was thrown out the window by the knowledge I now have that I will be a mom. I am still on cloud nine and feel more positive about this cycle every day, so I wanted to choose a What IF that was a little more positive and that, if it was a reality, would make this whole journey so much easier. So this is my new What IF…

What if every state passed a law that would require insurance companies to cover fertility treatments and A.R.T. so that people like me and my husband wouldn’t have to choose between their mortgage or having a family (from Melissa G)?

IF the above What IF happened, we would be able to have the family we have always dreamed of. When DH lost his job in February of ’09 we were in a very difficult situation. We had been saving all we could for IVF while still paying a ridiculously high mortgage. We decided to let go of our house instead of using our savings to pay the mortgage for 6 months. It was an agonizing decision. In the end it worked out wonderfully. (We purchased another home in this down market that is twice the size and ½ the cost of our first before our credit was ruined forever. Now our mortgage can be paid on one income.) But the point is what would have happened if our insurance covered IVF and we never had to make that decision.

I know for sure that if we had coverage for IVF we would have done it a lot sooner. We more than likely would be parents by now, and we could continue to build our family through the miracle of A.R.T. We live in Cali and some things are covered by our insurance. My ultrasounds and blood work were covered, as was my medication. I still had to pay the RE his fee and the hospital. So we paid over $10,000 out of pocket, which is not as much as most. I just wonder what it would be like if every family experiencing IF had the opportunity to pursue treatment if that is what they wanted to do. There will still be those that will opt to adopt and certainly even if insurance does cover treatment it’s no walk in the park. Certainly my OHSS was severe enough to scare me. So I do not think that IUI or IVF would be for every infertile couple.

I believe that if it was covered, infertility would not be so taboo. Maybe seeking treatment would be more openly discussed among friends, if it was seen for what it is a medical condition and not something brought on from bad luck or bad decisions. Maybe we could seek treatment earlier. I loved what Mel said in her talk on the Hill, “If the children are indeed America’s future, we’ll do more to ensure that they get here.” I hope to see this What IF become a reality in my lifetime.

Please check out this link for some basics on infertility: www.resolve.org/infertility101 And this one to learn more about National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW): www.resolve.org/takecharge.

And now for my What IF's....

What IF I end up with what I have always wanted and it all makes sense in the end?
What IF this journey changes me for the better?
What IF I can help just one person by sharing my story?
What IF my marriage is strengthened because of this journey?
What IF I am a better parent because I had to work so hard to get my children here?
What IF…

Not quite sure why...

2010-04-27T10:59:00.000-07:00

I am so happy today! I just have this smile on my face and feel like I am walking on a cloud! Now, this could change in an instant, but for this moment I am happy. I really feel like things are going well in my uterus. I feel like we have a little one, or two, growing and making their home for the next 37ish weeks. I may be totally wrong, but I cannot deny this feeling I have growing in my heart. I thank my Heavenly Father for this blessing!

I have been really mixed on the outcome the last week. I have been scared and nervous and feeling like maybe it didn't work... Then we had this amazing spiritual uplifting weekend and the good feelings are sticking around. I am so grateful.

Some have asked if I will be testing before my beta on Monday. I think I may POAS on Saturday or Sunday morning. I haven't really felt the urge, not quite sure why. We shall see what the early morning hours of this weekend bring.

I am going to join the "What IF" conversation Mel is having, but I have had a hard time thinking about the negative the past few days. I do not want to pass up the opportunity to recognize National Infertility Awareness Week, so I think I will see what I can come up with in the next few days.

To all my IF sisters, much love and happiness from this IF lady to you! Life is good!

Tears, tears, tears...

2010-04-26T10:06:00.000-07:00

I have been a big crying mess the last few days. Holly moley I hope this is a good sign. I know it is still too early to really tell one way or the other. I'm sure all the tears are due to the hormones I am forcing into my body. Good times. I actually feel better today than I did last week. Today is 7dp3dt. I don't know that that is a good sign. I am trying really had not to freak out and realize that what will be will be. Good or bad. Easier said than done, I know.

2dp3dt

2010-04-20T16:19:00.000-07:00

I have waited so long to type that kind of title. I was so excited on Monday to finally have the opportunity to have embryos in my uterus! Let me recap the day for you.

Transfer was set to begin at noon. I was instructed to be at the hospital by 10:30 am. My mom was taking me and we got there a little bit before 10:30. While I was checking in with the receptionist, the phone rang. She had just started writing my name and I was a but annoyed that she didn't finish before answering the phone. "I am checking her in right now," she said. She got off the phone and told me they were running ahead of schedule and were ready for me. She had the one of the ladies check me in right away, even though there were like 10 people in front of me. We checked in and went up the elevator. We sat out in the waiting are for about 5 min and a nurse came out to take us back. She took my bp 134/105, whoops I guess I was a little nervous. I promised it was never that high. She said she would check it again later.

We went to my little holding room and I changed and got ready. The nurse came in with some bottled water and told me to start drinking. I reassured her I would not need very much, my bladder is the size of an acorn, I don't think she believed me. Then the OR nurse came in and my RE not much later. He told me we had 2 out of 3 embryos to transfer and that one had not survived. He said one was perfect and the other a little slower growing. My mom was quite concerned that one was slow growing, I told her not to worry that what would be would be.

They came to wheel me in a little after 11:15. They moved me over to the nifty IVF bed and got me into position. My RE slid some leg warmers on my feet and the nurse placed them into the "this-is-not-a-joke-don't-move" stirrup. Then they pulled my gown back to my naval. I had no clue I would be so exposed. I guess I should have figured since they have to do an external u/s. Luckily having to pee occupied all my thoughts. My RE got me prepped and ready while the other RE, the one I have never met because he only does IUI's, held the wand in position. They made sure the catheter was in the right place and then removed it and stuck it back in with the embryos. The RE holding the u/s turned the monitor so I could see the white spot that was located in the center of my lining. "And that's them right there," he said. I was amazed. I had real live things inside me. Then my RE emptied my bladder with a catheter. I was in heaven at that point. Embryos in, pee out! The nurse checked my bp again 90/70, perfect.

I laid in the OR for 15 min and was then transferred to another bed and taken to the recovery room. (All of the IVF's are performed at the hospital next to the RE's office, but they hold all the IVF patients in a separate area. Which is nice.) I stayed in the 45* angle with my feet above my head for an hour and then they slowly transitioned me to sitting up. I felt so incredible after it was all done. I still feel pretty great!

Bed rest the last 48 hrs has not been very fun. It is hard to stay in bed with your hips propped up. I am glad that part is over. Now begins the wait until my beta on May 3rd. I do have 2 pee sticks in the house and I'm sure I will use one before then.

PUPO!

2010-04-19T19:44:00.000-07:00

Everything went great today. We had 2 embryos survive the thaw. One perfect and one slow growing. Both are now resting nicely in what will be their new home for the next 9 months!

The transfer was pretty uncomfortable. I was pretty positive my bladder was going to leak all over our RE. Luckily I was able to keep it all in. The RE graciously emptied it for me when we were done. I am on cloud nine thinking about these little things growing in me. I will update more later.

Bed rest

2010-04-16T11:03:00.000-07:00

I need some advice, after an ET how long should you be on bed rest? My RE recommends at least 24 hrs. I was thinking more along the lines of 48 hrs. We are doing a 3dt so I think I need longer than a 5dt. I don't know. I want to be as careful as possible. I think most of us would stay in bed a week if we knew we would get a BFP at the end of a cycle. So ladies, what did you do?

On another note I cannot stop smiling. That was my FB status update today. I am so ready to do this. It is going to work! I love happy thoughts!

All systems are go!

2010-04-15T10:30:00.001-07:00

I woke up feeling really great today. No real reason, I just knew it would be a great day. I went in the RE's office expecting this my first u/s and I would need to come back on Monday. Apparently my body is amazing right now and my ute knows just what to do because my transfer is set for MONDAY!!! My lining is at 8.8 and has a beautiful 3-layer look. I guess that is what they want. So no more u/s or blood work. Which is nice because the lab lady jacked my are a bit today. DH is a bit worried since he told his work at the earliest it would be the 22nd. I told him sorry but all systems are go! Now I am just praying our 3 little embies un-freeze perfectly and 2 look as perfect as they did the day they were frozen.

I am so happy!!

Happy 101

2010-04-12T19:26:00.000-07:00

I have been very happy lately. I think the final little ailments from the OHSS are FINALLY gone and I am starting to feel like me again! (YEAH!) So this post really fits in well.

I was given the Happy Blog Award by Rebecca at The road less traveled. If you don't know her, you should! She is a beautiful blogger and a great support during times of so much pain. I am so grateful for her friendship.

The rules: List 10 things that make your day & then give this award to 10 bloggers.

1. Having a partner in all of this that I truly love and adore and who has been my rock.

2.Not having side effects from the hormones I am currently putting in my body.

3. Having bloggy friends who are the only ones, other than DH, who know "the whole story". And who have supported me through all of this crap.

4. Knowing that I am not alone in the land of IF.

5. Good chocolate leftover from Easter.

6. Yummy local honey bought at a Farmer's Market.

7. Having a beautiful place to come home to at the end of the day.

8. Planning DH's 35th birthday surprise. (Even of it was spoiled a bit today.)

9. A wonderful loving and supportive family and great friends.

10. Knowing there is a plan for all of us and feeling at peace with that.

The 10 bloggers that I’d like to pass this award on to…

1. Secret D

2. Priscilla

3. Sassy IF Lady

4. R.J.

5. Ms. A

6. Hannah

7. Jem

8. Tracey

9. Rebecca

10. Sarah

These are amazing ladies and I am so thankful for them.

I go back to the RE Thursday. I am hoping my body is still doing what it needs to.

Seeing blue

2010-04-09T16:57:00.000-07:00

Today was the first day I could use the Estradoil the way it was intended, since AF left yesterday. (BTW this means sticking the tiny blue pill up inside my lady parts, for those that don't know.) I guess I didn't give another thought to the tiny blue pill until I went to take my first bathroom break a few hours later. I whipped and, "oh my heavens what is this blue junk!?!" Oh yeah, calm down, it is the aftermath of sticking a blue pill up my vajay-jay. Got it. Infertility, how fun you can be, making me see colors I thought I would never see on a sheet of TP. I felt like screaming out, "My discharge is blue!! It's blue!!" (think of Kate Hudson in "Bride Wars" when her new "wedding hair" is unveiled only to reveal the color was botched and she now has blue hair.) I'm sure some of you veterans out there are thinking well what did you think would happen sticking a blue pill up there? I guess I didn't think about it.

Tomorrow I start my patch. I wonder what adventures that will bring....

(By the way I am getting more pumped about this cycle. I cam to the conclusion that thinking the worst will not make it any easier when the worst happens. So why not be positive and think the best?!)

First appt

2010-04-06T16:52:00.000-07:00

I had my first appointment yesterday for my FET. It went smoothly. Everything looks good. I asked about our embryos. IVF coordinator said we have 9 2pn (day 1 embies). I was like, "Um what about the other 8 they left out when we thought we would do a transfer. I know 5 were slow growing, but 3 were apparently great." Her response, "Oh well those often don't make it by the time we go to freeze. There is no report here that we froze any embryos. I can go check your file." Um, yes please do! Hello!! After what felt like an hour she comes back and says, "yep, you have 3 that were frozen and 5 slow growing that they discarded." Exactly as I thought. Way to give a girl a minor heat-attack. We knew about the 9, we want to use the 3 this time. I am hoping we can use the 9 for babies number 2+ (or 3+ if we get twins this first time. A girl can dream.)

I am trying really super hard to stay positive this time. This is going to work!! I keep telling myself this over and over. It will work. My body has responded beautifully to everything. It has started my menstrual cycle when needed, grown follicles, perfect uterine lining, etc. So I keep telling myself that our only issue is fertilization and now that we have passed that hurdle I will get pregnant. Once those embryos are in they will implant and everything will go according to plan. Like I said, a girl can dream right...

(PS We are looking at a transfer date of April 20-24)

FET underway

2010-03-23T17:56:00.001-07:00

I am slowly getting back into the swing of things. I returned to work yesterday and have enjoyed not sitting in the house all day. It started to get really depressing. I had my appt with my RE, I guess you could call it a WTF, but I already knew what went wrong. I started bcp on the 17th and Lupron will start up again on Sunday the 28th. Ask me if I am optimistic about this cycle...

Not really...

I know women get pregnant from FET, but all the statistics show that a fresh transfer is so much better. I just feel jipped that we didn't even get to try it. I know we still have plenty of embryos... I know our chances may be better than most... it still doesn't take away the doubt. There was no way in my condition we could've done a fresh transfer, but it still really sucks!

Success stories about FET needed, please.

OHSS will be the death of me!

2010-03-12T10:01:00.000-08:00

Seriously, this is not fun. On Sunday and Monday I was in so much pain. I cried for hours. Luckily yesterday and today have been so much better. I went for a "check-up" with the RE yesterday which meant I got an u/s and then the IVF coordinator, glorified medical assistant, came in and told me to keep up my fluids and took my waist measurement. (Which by the way is up 7 inches since retrieval last Thursday) I was like, I thought I was going to see the NP. Nope apparently not. She looked over the u/s and sent me home with more pain and nausea meds. Fabulous.

At least I can eat now. I haven't really eaten in days because my stomach gets full super fast and then it kills. Plus the nausea which made it next to impossible to eat anything. Most of that discomfort has gone away. Now it is just breathing and sleeping that are the main pains. My lady parts are floating in a sea of fluid. Did I mention I look 5 months pregnant? I didn't realize I looked that bad until yesterday in the lab they had me pee in a cup. In the last week I haven't really worn anything other then baggy sweats and sweatshirt. Today to go out in public I was wearing yoga pants and a normal top. I took one look and just started in amazement. Here is a little pic...

Yep, that's all fluid. No wonder I feel so gross. I have also developed several large cysts on each ovary. That, the RN who does the u/s, is why I feel so awful. She said if it was just one or the other it wouldn't be so bad.

So sorry I haven't been around much to comment. I promise to be back in full force soon! Miss and love you ladies!!

Transfer canceled

2010-03-06T10:39:00.000-08:00

I am devastated. I have felt pretty awful, so I know it is the best decision, but that doesn't take away the sadness. I talked to my RE this morning, all the embryos that have yet to be frozen still look great and will be frozen today. He said given the number of embryos we have he really thinks we will have a successful FET. He was still somewhat willing to do the transfer, but really felt like it was not a good idea. When I told him I was feeling like we should postpone he said he agreed. He did call me in a pain medication, anti-nausea, and some kind of suppository to help with the symptoms.

I know 17 is a great number but I wanted 2 in me today. This journey has been nothing like what I thought it would be. I never imagined I would get OHSS and that is would reek havoc on my body. I didn't want to complicate things and make them worse by getting pregnant. That wouldn't be good for me or the baby. I know I made the right decision, it is just hard.

Fert report

2010-03-05T09:31:00.001-08:00

We have 17 embryos!! The clinic is going to freeze half today as they wont be affected by the freeze thaw process at this stage. I still don't know if we will do the transfer due to the OHSS, which by the way is the worst thing ever! I now look like I am 5 months pregnant due to the fluid in my abdomen. Luckily I haven't been throwing up or put on any weight. (Well I guess that's not entirely true. Yesterday I was down 5 lbs when I got to the hospital and now I am back up to where I was all along.) I was in so much pain last night I told DH I don't want to be pregnant. I just want to feel better. I am so glad the morning brings clarity and peace. I am feeling better today and hope it continues to get better from here on out.

21!

2010-03-04T17:01:00.000-08:00

They retrieved 21 mature eggs today. Not as many as I thought given my E2 levels. I am extremely pleased though. I am feeling pretty achy but good overall. I feel like pockets of air and gas are caught in parts of my body like my shoulder and chest. As I get up and move around they seem to get better. My mom and DH were both there which made me feel relaxed about the whole process. I am just grateful it all happened and wasn't canceled because of my E2 levels.

If this post seems a little all over sorry. I am still under the influence. Sorry I haven't commented much lately. OHSS has really kept me in bed most of the time. Hopefully I will be back up and running in the next few days and after transfer.

OHSS

2010-03-03T08:15:00.001-08:00

Yep, I have it. I was so giddy when I saw those 25 big follies. Then I started to feel sick a day later. I went in on Monday for my second u/s and they said I was just about ready, most of the follicles were between 14-16. I was not to take any more Gonal and just coast for one day. I went in yesterday and they looked amazing. She counted 21 that were between 15-19. (Most were at 17-19) She told me there were more that were in there that she couldn't measure easily and guessed I had way more than 21 that were ready to go. I wasn't feeling great, but figured the follicles were sucking out all my energy. On Monday the nurse who does the u/s did show me the pockets of fluid that were pooling in my abdomen around my uterus and ovaries. She talked about how I can get dehydrated and feel sick so I need to drink water like a crazy person. It wasn't until Tuesday that I realized it was kind of serious. My IVF nurse came in and started saying things like, no transfer, and hospital stay. I was confused. Then she told me my E2 was really high and they needed me not to go into major OHSS.

E2 Levels:

Baseline - 39
After 7 day stims - 3067
After 9 days stims - 5826
9 days then coast - 6615

She said the absolute highest they like to see the E2 is 4000. Whoops. I guess I passed that a bit. So I triggered last night only with Ovadril and did not use the HCG Novarel. She said the Ovadril can actually help with OHSS while the HCG will only make it more severe.

I am trying not to freak out. I know this is out of my hands and there is nothing I can do. I am set to go in at 8 am tomorrow for my retrieval and hopefully have my transfer on Saturday or Sunday.

There are some good signs that it will not progress into a major problem...

1. I have not gained a single pound
2. I am not vomiting, I am nauseated but can keep everything down
3. My waist is measuring what it did before this cycle

So for now I will be drinking much more than the recommended 1/2 gallon of water. I have also noticed that taking a nap helps. Luckily since my clinic is over an hour away from home, I have not had to go to work. I have been staying with my parents and they are so wonderful and are making every accommodation to help me. The down side is DH has still had to work and hasn't been here with me. He dropped me off Sunday night for my Monday appt and will return tonight for the retrieval tomorrow. I miss him like mad! I don't do well away from him. I also will not be looking around Google for info. I don't need negative thoughts running around in my brain.

It will all be ok. I just need to remain calm and trust in the Lord.

Follicles!

2010-02-27T10:04:00.000-08:00

I am feeling a lot better now than I was a few days ago. I still feel a little crazy, but realize it is a small price to pay. My main symptom now is the BLOAT! Wow, I feel like there is a ball in my belly! After today's appointment I know why I feel SOOO bloated.

I went back into the u/s room and the cute hip nurse put Wanda in place. "Wow, look at all those follicles." On my left ovary I had over 15 follicles that were between 10-13 mm. My right ovary was no father behind. She counted over 10 that were right in range. "And you have a whole bunch that are under 10." Well no wonder I feel like I am going to pop! My uterine lining also looks perfect. I did my bw only an hour before my appt, so they didn't have the results in for that just yet. So now I continue on Gonal 150 iu for today and tomorrow and I am back on Monday. DH also gave his sample for our frozen backup. I asked if they would call to tell me how many men they found, they said they would only call if they couldn't find any sperm to freeze. So now news is good news today. The nurse said that the "big labs" don't always number them when there are so few. But the embryologist can take a much better look, so no worries, they will find what they need. I am trying hard not to think about it. Worrying won't improve his sperm.

So I need to keep drinking a half gallon of water and keep with the low salt high protein diet for a few more days. Hoping all these follies are in perfect range on Monday.

This is not fun

2010-02-23T16:49:00.000-08:00

I am on day 4 of Gonal at 225 iu and it sucks! Please tell me there are other women out there who have had issues with stims. I can't even really describe how I feel. I feel anxious a lot of the time and just kind of all over the place. I think my body is revolting. I only have one more day at 225 iu and then Thursday and Friday will be at 150 iu. I am over this. It is funny because I had no real issues with bcp or Lupron. A headache here or there, but nothing to complain about. Please tell me I am not slowly going crazy. DH thinks I am just sick with something else and doesn't think it is from the meds. I do think my allergies may be flaring up, which can make me feel loopy. I just need to make it until Saturday and hope my follies are looking amazing. Also, I am feeling some fullness in my lower abdomen already. Is it too early for that? I am not like having to wear different pants or anything like that, I just feel a bit bloated.

This IF stuff is not for the weak.

First real appt

2010-02-19T10:09:00.000-08:00

Let's start with the good:

Ovaries and uterus look amazing! My E2 was 38, also great. I will start on 225 Gonal tomorrow. Next appointment is Saturday, also wonderful, DH will be able to come.

The bad:

DH's recent SA was still not good. Very few sperm and not much motility. So we will be doing a frozen sample on the 27th to have as back-up.

The appointment was a total breeze. The nurse who did the u/s was wearing super cute boots and was so nice. She looked like she was about my age or younger. I was kind of surprised that she wasn't wearing scrubs. (like everyone else) They did take a bit to get DH's SA. Apparently they sent his results to some MD in the town we did the sample in (about 90 miles N) and not to our RE. I had never heard of the MD. And they put a "c" on the end of his last name instead of an "e". So no wonder they couldn't find the results. Overall I still fell really zen about everything. I am trying not to stress about the lack of sperm and realize all we need is "a few good men". It will all be ok.

Prepped and ready to stim!!

The Big Box

2010-02-11T16:33:00.000-08:00

The rest of my meds finally came today!! It was a BIG box.

I ripped it open to find this...

Well I should say most of this. Some of it did come lat week. It wasn't as much as I thought it would be, still enough to make me go a little crazy but not bad.

Also I did my first Lupron shot last night. (Actually DH gave it to me.) It wasn't bad at all. I could barely feel the needle. The medication did sting a bit. But all in all a very good experience. I sat there afterwards and thought, "ok, I can do this." Not that I was going to chicken out now. I am so excited to get this ball rolling. It has been 5.5 years in the making.

Oh and my grand total for meds, $291.73!! That is with paying full-price for the Lupron. I cannot tell you what a blessing it is to have something covered. Now I will have to write two very big checks in the coming weeks, one to the RE and one to the hospital, but somehow I am not as worried. It is all going to be just fine. I can feel it!

Updates...

2010-02-08T16:11:00.000-08:00

I survived the flu! YES!! So far looks like DH will not be catching it. Double yes!

Well bcp have been no big deal. Today will make day 7 on them. On Wednesday I start Lupron. Not super excited about that, but hey it's what we IF ladies do. I received 1/2 my med order from Free.dom Pharmacy and the other 1/2 will come form CV.S. Good news is our meds will be covered by our insurance, CV.S! I really wasn't expecting that, which is why my order was broken into 2 parts. Our insurance would not cover injectable(s) unless they were provided by them. The only issue I had was I didn't know how long it would take for them to get my Rx approved. So I had FF ship the Lupron and non-injectables so we could have that in time for our start up on Wednesday. I didn't want to be even more stressed.

The insurance company called me today to go over the meds. (Yeah like I know what I am supposed to be getting!) I told her just to send it and then I would talk to the nurse at the clinic. The nurse called me before I could get to her. She said as long as I have Lupron and Gonal we will be fine for now. I will make a list of all the other great stuff I have and we can review it at my next appt on the 19th. Sounds good to me. I already feel like I have a ton of stuff and we aren't even half way done.

I had a friend ask me today if I was excited. Truth be told I am! It has been 5 1/2 long years in the making. I am nervous at the same time. Mostly about how my body will do all pumped up on hormones. I don't want to get crazy!!! I guess I need to keep in mind it won't last long and the end result will be worth it.

Home sick

2010-02-04T07:28:00.000-08:00

I am home sick with the flu. I feel like death. I have been woken up the past two nights to quickly run to the bathroom and vomit. Sounds lovely I know. I have updates on meds and all kinds of fun stuff, but for now I would really like to just stay in bed. Maybe tomorrow I will feel good enough for a real update. Until then...

Finally CD1

2010-01-31T16:15:00.000-08:00

So my period stopped. Yep, I had spotting on Wednesday and then lighter spotting Thursday, by Friday there was nothing. I was devastated. I cried a lot yesterday. I know I have no control over ANY of this, but having a 40 day cycle! Come on! So AF has finally returned full blown. I started sometime in the middle of the night. So I think I will start bcp tomorrow so I at least have a full 2 weeks on them. Does stating cd3 vs cd2 really matter?? I hope not.

Sorry friends that I have not been there lately. I have had so much stress in my life. (Obviously my period was 9 days late!) I'm not going to get into it all right now. I may at a later time. I just feel so bad I haven't been commenting and cheering you all on. Know that I am thinking about you all the time. Secretly saying prayers in my heart for all of you no matter what stage of the game you are at. Anther problem is they blocked blogger at work. Totally sucks. I use to get on during lunch and breaks to comment and now I can't. I still have my phone, but the internet is slow and I can't comment. So I am reading you posts, and I am thinking about you ladies.

Well wish me luck. We are really doing this!

Hello old friend

2010-01-28T16:12:00.000-08:00

AF has arrived. Well sort of. I have had spotting, but it's red, so I'm counting it. It started yesterday morning. I was sure that by today she would be in full force, but not yet. Maybe tomorrow. I will start bcp tomorrow and continue until the day after Valentine's Day. Quick question, will I get another period when I go off bcp?? I start Lupron February 10th, and I'm not sure if that will keep it at bay or what. Well if I do that means I will have another period in 18 days. Yuck. Oh well, it will be my LAST for at least 40 weeks! (Fingers crossed)

I went to Bath & Body last night to get some good bubble bath. I have decided to have a nightly routine during this process to help me relax. I have read several places about how important it is to pamper yourself during treatments and I plan to follow that advice. Anyone have any good suggestions? I thought bubble baths and maybe some good meditative music. I am excited to have a reason to do it. We so often forget to take time out for ourselves, and this is really going to force me to do it.

POAS

2010-01-25T16:56:00.000-08:00

It was negative. As I expected. Still no sign of my good ol' friend AF. Where the heck did she go?? I am ready to start punching myself in the uterus until she comes. (Not really... unless you think it would help. j/k) So there you have it. DH really wanted me to test today, so I drove to Target bought what I thought would be a good choice for hpt's. (After all we have only been in this hell hole called IF for 5.5 years.) Went upstairs did the deed and waited. There it was, the blank white abyss just staring back at me. Oh well. AF you are on notice!

Really???

2010-01-24T09:49:00.001-08:00

So still no AF! I don't know what is going on. I haven't had a late cycle in a long time. (Well other than maybe a day off.) Even when it has been a day late I have had some spotting to tell me she is about to come. I have had NO spotting. Not even a hit of pink. I have felt a tiny bit crampy... I think my body is all screwed up. DH thinks I am magically pregnant since we are doing IVF next month. I think he is crazy. I am going to give it until Tuesday and then I will POAS if there is still no sign of her. I am still fine cycle wise for our plan. As long as she comes sometime this week. I am just annoyed. Why is it when I want her to come she doesn't?

Waiting as patiently as possible

2010-01-21T16:25:00.000-08:00

That's about all i have been up to lately. We did DH's SA Monday. I will call for results next week sometime. Waiting for AF to get here. She is due tomorrow, but I am hoping she is just a day late because then I wont have to refill my bcp Rx. (I will be 1 day short if she comes tomorrow.)

In other news my friend C is going to have her sweet little boy on February 18th. Man time went by fast. I am going to make the cupcakes again for her shower next Saturday. A lot of people thought I should be throwing her shower. Well I just don't feel like I have the time or energy to do that right now. So I just never offered. Another woman from our ward (church group) offered to do it and asked me to make the cupcakes. I gladly accepted! I will make cupcakes any day of the week. I was so grateful someone else finally stepped up so the pressure was off of me.

Not much else going on. Hope you all have a happy weekend.

Our decision

2010-01-16T10:55:00.000-08:00

Thank you for all your words of encouragement and advice on my last post. We will be doing another SA on Monday to see how DH's numbers are looking now. We have decided to have him give a sample a few days before retrieval so they can freeze some swimmers. He will also be giving a sample the day of in hopes that will have more than enough sperm to choose from. The back-up frozen sample will only cost us an additional $240 which is well worth it.

If I wanted to use a donor I would be doing IUI. We are doing IVF so we can have our children. We will move onto dIUI if needed.

If you are the praying type we could really use them right about now.

First appointment

2010-01-12T20:40:00.000-08:00

Everything went really well today at my first appointment. I will start bcp on day 3 of my next cycle, should be Jan 21, and I start Lup.ron on Feb 10. My next appt and first u/s is Feb 19. Expected retrieval Feb 28 and transfer date March 3.

I'm feeling a bit nervous. I know, I know, I said that last post. It's still true. I am nervous.

Also our RE, Dr. Know-it-all, suggested we have "back-up" donor sperm just in case DH's sample doesn't yield any good swimmers. I was like, "Really! You don't think he will have 20 good sperm?!" He said, "Well his last SA was AWFUL. It is just my recommendation." Worry and sadness set in at that point and I wondered what the heck we should do. DH has been on Fertility Blend for 3 months, (4 1/1 by the time we need those guys) so I am hoping that has helped. He needs to do another SA ASAP so we can get a better picture of what is going on right now. I hate worrying about extra stuff. I told Dr. KIT we are planning on doing dIUI if this doesn't work. He was like, "well then why not have the back-up now so if he doesn't have any sperm we can use it. You know there are better success rates with IVF vs. IUI" Really?!?! Thanks I didn't know that. I just left a bit more frazzled than I should be. I guess we will have to wait and see what these next SA results say. DH is at better job and much less stressed then he was in Jan '09, so that can't hurt either. What would you do ladies?? Would you have a back-up?

Because I want to know

2010-01-07T11:21:00.000-08:00

I have a new poll up to the right. I would really like to know how you paid for your IVF(s). For those of you who read my blog regularly, you know we are paying cold hard cash for ours. Our insurance company will cover the u/s's, so that should wipe out a few hundred bucks, but the majority of it will come straight from our savings. I know that most infertility related things are not covered, so I am not complaining. (Well not totally) I feel blessed we can do this and have been able to be diligent in our savings. It will be hard to write that check, but we know when we finally get to meet our little one it will all be worth it!

So please, take a second and weigh in.

Stop by and say Hi

2010-01-06T09:30:00.000-08:00

It's National Blog Delurking Week. For all of you out there that are lurking around it is time to stop and say Hi. Just leave a quick comment. No big deal. Tell me about yourself. How did you find my blog? If that's a bit too much you can tell me what your favorite 80's movie is. (I love Pretty in Pink.) Sounds like fun, right?

I love meeting new people in the blog community! So come on, out yourself.

Ready or not!

2010-01-05T09:32:00.000-08:00

I have my pre-cycle appointment next Tuesday the 12th. I am nervous! Yes, this is what I have been waiting for for the last 5+ years, but... sometimes I wonder if I am ready. I know, it sounds totally crazy right?? I have been hoping, praying and wishing for this. Well now the time has come. DH keeps saying, "Don't be nervous, it WILL work!" But maybe I am nervous about that too. I am scared to be pregnant. I am scared to be a mom. Yes it is all I want in the world, but... am I ready. I certainly am scared it wont work. For sure! But I'm trying really hard to not let my mind go there. So it will work. I should be starting bcp once my next cycle has started sometime around the 22nd. Oh my gosh this is really happening!!

Bring it!

2009-12-30T12:19:00.001-08:00

I am so excited for the New Year. 2009 was a bit of a bust. Last year at this time we were gearing up for our first RE appt. I really thought 2009 would be "our year". It's ok. Things happen, plans change. So here we come 2010! Ready or not!

PMS + The Holidays = Good times

2009-12-23T13:25:00.000-08:00

Just kidding! Why must AF come right in the middle of all the action. Saturday we had to get the rest of our shopping done. Oh that was fun. I had to run into Kh.ol's to return a pair of shoes. I waited in line for like 20 min only to get up to the register to be informed they don't do returns there and I would have to do them at their Customer Service counter. UH!! I grabbed my stuff and walked out the door. Tears started streaming as I called DH to come get me. He had dropped me off so I could just "run in". I cried the whole way home and climbed into bed when we got there. I just needed to rest and not deal with everything. PMS + Holiday Madness, not a good mix. I have yet to go back to try and return them. Maybe this weekend.

Today is CD1 and I realized this will be my last drug free cycle. Next cycle I will start bcp to prep for IVF. I am ready to get the hormone party started.

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas!

They should win

2009-12-17T10:56:00.001-08:00

That's what my husband told me last night while watching Monday night's DVR'ed episode of Si.ng O.ff. He was referring to the Colo.rado group named F.ace. You see, one of the group members is married to a br.east can.cer survivor and she was rendered infertile after che.mo. Before going in for treatment they froze a few embryos hoping to have her carry them after treatment. Unfortunately the dang drugs took that away from her too. The story goes on that one of the band mate's wife offered to be a gestational carrier for the couple. They are now the proud parents of a son. So after seeing this story on the show, DH looked at me and said, "Aww, they should win." I thought it was really sweet given the fact that DH really doesn't like to talk about IF stuff and seems to fell only marginally sympathetic for me when I have a total break down about it. (But I really don't think he knows what to do with me in those instances.) I simply agreed and was singing hallelujah on the inside. He gets it!

Getting my Christmas wish

2009-12-15T07:31:00.000-08:00

It looks like we are a go for a February cycle! So that means bcp will start next month. I am scared, nervous, excited, hopeful all at the same time!! I am trying to be cautiously optimistic... but I really feel like this is going to work. It certainly will be the closest we have EVER been to being pregnant.

I am also happy to report I am finally 100% in the holiday spirit! We have a little family in our ward that could really use some gifts this Christmas, so we are going to play Secret Santa. They have 4 children, 2 girls and 2 boys. They range in age from 8 to 2. Each will get a new coat and a toy. Christmas is all about giving and I couldn't think of a better thing to give. DH and I don't need gifts. We are so blessed.

What have you done to get in the Christmas spirit?

What would you like?

2009-12-07T11:48:00.001-08:00

DH asked me last night what I wanted for Christmas. I told him all I want is to meet our saving requirement so we can get this baby making show on the road. I wish I could send out a mass email to our family and say, "This year for Christmas please do not give us gifts. We would prefer cold hard cash. Please and thank you." Tacky?? Um, yes. Just a bit. Ok, maybe a lot! Even if it was only $20, I would rather put that into our savings than some ugly fleece vest my grandmother felt I had to have. Oh well. At least I can tell DH not to buy me anything. I think it may also help us remember the true meaning of Christmas.

What are you asking for for Christmas?

Thanks!!

2009-12-04T11:20:00.000-08:00

I wanted to first thank all of you wonderful ladies for your suggestions with my Holiday Blues. I am doing a lot better now. I am generally a pretty happy person, so I can only stay down for so long. So now, onward and upward!

Sweet Elle at Hope and Envy gave me the Kreativ Blog Award! Thank you Elle!!

The Rules:
· Share 7 things that you don't already know about me.
· Name 7 other blogs to receive this award.
· Leave a comment on each of the blogs I nominated.
· Thank the person who gave you the award.

Ok so, 7 things you didn't know about me...

1. If I could have any profession I would be a baker. I would love to open my own bakery one day.

2. I love big cities! I have always dreamed of living in a loft over some cool Thai Restaurant. (Well like 4-7 floors above it.) We have talked about moving to San Francisco several times. Maybe someday we will!

3. When I was a kid my grandmother always made us use the bathroom before bed. She would even wake us in the middle of night to use it. Now I still have to go right before bed. If I wake up in the middle of the night, which I do very often, I can’t go back to sleep until I have gone to the bathroom. (Oh pregnancy is going to be fun!)

4. I don’t like pizza.

5. I LOVE all Asian food! From Pho to sushi.
6. I love to fill out forms. I know that sounds strange, but I do. DH has never filled out a medical, DMV, or tax form since we have been married.

7. I learned to swim before I could walk. I still love the water.

I would like to nominate all the ladies over in my sidebar! I want to know 7 things about you!!

Not so jolly

2009-12-02T13:38:00.000-08:00

I have to come clean, I am having a really hard time this holiday season. Yes, this is my 6th holiday season in IF land, but for some reason this one feels different. I think a big part of that is we are trying so hard to save money we aren't really giving gifts to each other or taking a trip. The last few years we have gone somewhere to "escape" all the family Christmas stuff. This year DH can't take time off from his new job and we need to save every penny. I don't feel merry or jolly. I have no desire to do anything Christmas related. (Well I did get our tree up, but that's it.) I'm sure all my fellow IF sisters have been here before and many are here right now. I honestly have never been so depressed over the holidays. It just doesn't seem like Christmas time.

Sigh...

I'm sure I will get over it. Just not today.

Deck the halls...

2009-11-30T08:12:00.000-08:00

We survived Thanksgiving! It was so much fun. I was totally exhausted by the time DH's parents left at 7:30 Thursday night. I still had to put our furniture back together and wipe down the kitchen, so I couldn't just go to bed. The best thing about hosting Thanksgiving is all the leftovers! Our fridge is stocked.

We set up our tree on Saturday.

Before....

After...

I took these with my phone, sorry they aren't very good. I bought all new ornaments last year the day after Christmas. I was so excited to put the tree up. Now we just need to get the lights up outside and we will be set. Hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving! I can't believe 2009 is coming to an end. This year went by way too fast!

What would you bring??

2009-11-23T09:43:00.001-08:00

Since Mel is hosting her own virtual feast, I thought it would be fun to do these same. What is your favorite Thanksgiving item? If you were coming to my full house what would you bring to share? I am a dessert hog! So I would like share my Turtle Pumpkin Pie with all of you.

Mmmm...