Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Glad it's over

That is all I can say about the shower. Actually, it went really well and so many wonderful women pitched in to make it fun. I made Oreo truffles for the favors and cupcakes for dessert. We had a few easy finger foods for our meal, the shower was at 3:30 pm so I didn't feel the need to feed everyone a full meal. The mom-to-be was so sweet. She really appreciated all I did. She even brought me a little thank you gift. I will be showing off my creations for show-n-tell this week.

I didn't break down at all, not even after it was all over. I do hate conversations ALL about birth and babies, and that is what baby showers are all about. So I mostly listened in and gave a supportive ear without adding anything to the conversation. The gifts were the hardest part, but I kept busy by making sure mom-to-be could reach each one and them I re-packaged them afterwards.

Thank you for all your supportive words. I have sworn off throwing baby showers indefinitely.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Living in a dream

I had the most amazing dream last night. I was in a room with lots of people, all of whom I knew and loved. A doctor came in and turned on a machine and put a wand on my belly. "Lets see... Baby A is a boy and the other twin... is a girl." I burst into tears and hugged DH tight. My mom walked in the room and we all celebrated together. It was so real. The weird part was I was looking into my womb as the ultrasound was being performed, like I was in there with the babies, and they were wearing little t-shirts. HAHA! It was really strange, but the overall message was amazing. We went shopping for baby sized goodies after that. I was so happy.

I wish I lived in this dream world. It gives me great hopes for our upcoming IVF cycle.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Why do I do this??

I offered to throw a baby shower for a lady I go to church with.

I hardly know her.

This is her 4th, yes 4th, child.

Her second boy. (Her youngest is a boy. He's 5.)

Did I mention it is this Saturday...

I don't want to do this.

I don't want to do this...

Why did I offer??

I must be losing my mind!

Actually I think it is my way of saying, "Look I am playing nice. I am ok and have accepted my infertile state. Can I please have a baby now?"

Pathetic, I know.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Bad mojo - Part 2

And the drama continues. Last night J, my friend E's hubby, came over to discuss his side to all the drama. He didn't take a defensive stance, he just wanted us to hear what concerns him about E and things that are going on behind the scenes.

I really appreciated his honesty. I think both DH and myself were able to give him our insight into what E feels is happening in their marriage. One of the biggest faults dear J has is he doesn't take responsibility when he hurts E's feelings. He feels it is her fault she took something the way she did. I tried to explain he can't do this, and he wasn't really getting it. Then DH stepped in and gave him a harsh lesson in taking responsibility for his actions. (I just love him.) This is a lesson DH has learned over the last 6 years. If something he says hurts my feelings he need to own that and try to communicate better.

We learned a lot more about both J and E. Sweet E has some very self destructive behavior that is obviously affecting not only their marriage, but also her children. Yes, J has things he needs to work on, but E has to pull herself out of this bad place she is in where she hates J and herself.

I don't know what we can really do to help. DH has always felt I needed to speak out more when E is out of line. I have told him it is not my place, I don't need her to hate me too. Now let me say she is not doing anything like getting drunk or doing illegal drugs. Her bad habits are pity eating, spending $$, and drinking energy drinks, to name a few. (There are a few worse ones I don't think should be mentioned.) But when she was at our house venting Tuesday night DH wanted me to stick up for J and try to get her to talk to him. I feel she needs a place she can vent where she feels like she isn't judged. I have decided that from now on, she will not do this with me in front of her children. It is not healthy and they don't need to hear it. I am also going to try to encourage her to go to counseling. They have done marriage counseling, which didn't help too much, but I think she needs to do one-on-one sessions.

Thank you so much for all your comments on my last post. I really feel like I am at a loss and could use any advice I can get! And yes, we are a very different couple than they are. We have had 6 years to work on things just the two of us and E was pregnant with her first when they got married. So I think our relationship has a totally different dynamic.

Most importantly J said he has full faith E will return to the path she needs to be on. He knows this is just a big bump in the road and they will be ok. I hope he is right.

*As a little side note. I talked to DH about the not having kids comment he made last night and told him how much it hurt me. He apologized and said that was not what he meant. We just got in a new order of his Fertil.ity B.lend junk so hopefully that will help. We are moving forward.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Bad mojo

My BF IRL is going through a really rough patch. She and her husband are not getting along and it is taking a toll on everyone in their family, especially their oldest son who is 11. Both of them have a very hard time not fighting in front of their kids, but her husband feels the need to tell their children things that are hurtful and "adult" subject matter.

Let me give you an example, last night she escaped to my house. I am pretty sure when her 4 children realized their mother was missing her husband informed them she had left them. Something like, "she left us. Can you believe that?!" I received a sobbing call from her 11 year old around 9:06 pm, right after she left, asking if I knew where his mom was. I told him she had just left and was on her way home.

I don't know what to do to help my friend. I really think they are just going through a bad year and need to continue to work at things. She is to the point where she wants to leave. I am wondering if it is better to do so given the current circumstances. Now let me also say her husband is not abusive or cheating. He is an overall good man who is just plain stupid at times.

So now, how this relates to me, seeing them argue over kids stuff is making my DH wonder why people have kids. I know he knows that the kids are not the issue, but he sees them as something more to strain a marriage. He told me he feels fortunate that we don't have them yet. Oh he drives me nuts! I think he was just saying it because that is how he felt at that moment. I wish he would think before he speaks.

The point, how do I support my friend without letting all of this bad mojo affect my marriage??

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Still working through it

I wanted to say THANK YOU to all of you ladies who commented on my last post. DH really makes my head spin at times and I am so grateful I have bloggy friends to help. We are still working through the "exact number" we will need to move on with treatment. That is such a hard number to decide on since we really don't know exactly what our final out of pocket fee will be. My insurance will cover the u/s, which will take off quite a bit, and I am praying they will cover some of the meds. I know they say an IVF cycle cost between $10-15k, but my calculations seem to be lower... maybe I am missing something.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for all the support!

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Freak out session

It all started Saturday night when we were on our way home from a fun filled weekend with our family. DH was talking about the bonus he was hoping to get in December. He has been working really hard at his new job and doing very well. He made the comment, “I will keep it all for myself.” Um, no, our marriage has never been this way. We do live the yours-is-mine principle, so I knew he was somewhat joking about keeping it for himself. I said, “Oh, I thought you would be adding it to our IVF fund.” I guess that was not what he had in mind. He went on to tell me that he doesn’t think we will ever get to the point were we can stick $10-15K into treatment. He doesn’t see how we could ever save that kind of money. Life just happens and we need to save “x” amount before we can even think about doing this. And basically how he still needs to be able to have fun with some money before we do all of that. (Hello, what has been going on the last 5 years!?!?) All I heard was, “it’s never going to happen, I’m not ready, your dream is not mine.” I cried and was silent for a long time. We discussed some more, which was going nowhere, and decided to sleep on it.

Sunday I was so sad I couldn’t go to church. I called a friend to teach my class and stayed in bed most of the day. I didn’t eat anything. I was just too upset. He apologized and tried to explain what he meant. Obviously what was said and what I heard were two different things. I felt like few things were resolved and we left it at, yes we would do treatment... but who knows when.

Monday I came to work and decided I was just going to move on. I had to find another “thing” to take up my time. I was still devastated, but like I said in my first post, I would not force him into this. I needed him to be on board 100%. And as hard as it was to accept, I love him more than my desire to have children. So last night he couldn’t really get why I was still depressed. I told him how I felt and what I thought he was saying. Turns out I was still getting it wrong. We are still going to shoot for December, but that looks like a long shot given that we are still a considerable amount away from our goal. He wants to be sure we still have money left over in our savings when our first cycle is over. I can understand that. Our plan is for me to stay home after our miracle comes, so somehow in his mind that translates into me getting pregnant and stopping work all in one day, which will NOT be the case. So to appease him we will have a cushion before we start treatment.

Please tell me I am not the only one with a DH who freaks out a bit about the financial aspect of IVF. Have any of your husbands freaked out? I know he wants to be a parent, but for him it would be so much easier if it just happened. (Which he has admitted he still thinks it will. Hello! We have severe MFI! Obviously he needs to listen a bit more at our RE appointments.) Our RE even asked if we wanted to use donor sperm for our IVF. My reply, “thank you, but no. If we were going to go that route I could just use an OPT and inseminate myself! Thank you very much.” I want to at least try to have my husband’s child. I mean we haven’t even had one cycle yet, why would he put that out there so early?? He isn’t sterile. Ok, getting off track. My point in all of this is I feel like I am the only infertile lady who has a DH who still freaks out about doing IVF, even after 5 yrs of trying and several MD’s who have told us we will never get pregnant on our own. I really thought we were past this stuff. I really thought we were on the same page. I think we are, it’s just getting the money to do it and helping him feel comfortable with writing that check.

*Sorry to any of you who may have read my venting session yesterday. I just needed to put it out there, and after I did, I realized I was being dramatic and needed to hold off until all sides were considered.
**Also, I am not opposed to using donor sperm if it comes to that. I was just using our RE’s comment as a bench mark for where our MFI is. I hope I did not offend anyone.